I'm sorry you find yourself here. You are in the best place for a terrible sitch. I want to be very clear that I am no expert, however, a couple of things about your scenario jump out to me.
Did I read correctly that your h has a history of cheating in his prior Rs and that he has a few failed Ms? I don't mean to sound harsh, however he sounds like a serial cheater. Granted, you can only control you and I certainly understand you want to save your M.
He's mad. Okay. He stopped wearing his ring because in his mind he isn't M anymore. Stop asking him questions and focus on you. Trust me, he knows you want to work on the R so please don't think for a minute that if you GAL and work on what you need to work on that he will think you are not wanting to salvage the R. As soon as you take the focus off of his every word and action, you will feel sooooo much better.
He's not ready to talk to you and I don't think sharing goals with him at this point would produce the results you want. It's time to start from scratch and realize the old R is dead. Put a fork in it. That doesn't mean you can't build a new one, although perhaps now is the time to truly evaluate what you want and need in a R.
Your sitch is very new so I realize this is all very overwhelming. There are no quick fixes and he will try to bait you. What would you like to change for you? Not for him. What changes do you feel you need to make to make you the best Hope possible? Maybe you R and maybe you don't. No one knows. However, if you want to maintain your sanity, get off the hamster wheel.
Oh, and from experience I can tell you to avoid unnecessary drama on SM (FB, Twitter, Snapchat). Don't. go. there. Analyzing who is friends with who and liking photos will lead you to question the trajectory of our culture as whole, so I wouldn't waste my time. However, again, your h isn't here and you are. It just sounds like projection when he is referencing OM when he is the one who is/was cheating.
Hopefully, others will pop by with sound advice. Hang in there..it gets much better:)
Thank you for your advice. I do want off the hamster wheel it is just so hard to not react. I feel a bit like a doormat... he does all these things to punish me and I take it in & try to push kindness back out.
Yes, he has cheated in a couple of his other relationships. His mom was a serial cheater... so there is something there. He abhors his mother's bx and yet he has followed in her path, possibly as a result of his lack of trust and to not be hurt like his father was. I dunno. But yeah. We made it 11 years w/o infidelity (as far as I know & I had not seen any indication until this recent affair started). I thought we were different but I was naive. I married much too young & should have really walked away when I saw his history laid out before me in black & white. I nearly did... but he won me over.
Now I am angry from an email he sent me yesterday & I want to just run in the opposite direction. He points out all these resentments he has towards me. All the things I've done wrong. All this ugliness. I know that nothing I can say will change anything he does or says... but why do I want to try?! Or go in the opposite direction & punish him back. Last night I did do little inconsiderate things & I am now ignoring his texts today. I am reacting to him & acting out of anger. But how do I set limits & boundaries in healthy ways? How do I move on with my life while living in the same house as him with children? I want to just do my own thing w/ the kids, even if I know he wouldn't want to do it just to spite him. To push him to either give up the time he could have with his children or do an activity he really didn't want to do. It is being manipulative, I recognize that... but how do I live my own life, distance myself from his painful jabs, but also be considerate towards him??
I am so stuck and lost. I want to do the right thing but am struggling to see what that even is.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
Try toremember that he isn't trying to punish you. He's hurting. The natural response is to try to ease that pain. In his mind, hurting you, lashing out, throwing a temper tantrum all make him feel better. Just try to remember it isn't about YOU. It's about HIM. He's going to say and do things he knows will hurt you, but it's truly not about you. Time to buy stock in spew jackets.
With that in mind, try not to punish him back. You get to choose how you act and react to him. Act with the grace that you wish he had. There's nothing you can say to change him right now, but how does fighting back help you to heal or help him see the error in his ways. Be the person you want and deserve to be. It's not easy, but I believe you can do it!
Try toremember that he isn't trying to punish you. He's hurting. The natural response is to try to ease that pain. In his mind, hurting you, lashing out, throwing a temper tantrum all make him feel better. Just try to remember it isn't about YOU. It's about HIM. He's going to say and do things he knows will hurt you, but it's truly not about you. Time to buy stock in spew jackets.
With that in mind, try not to punish him back. You get to choose how you act and react to him. Act with the grace that you wish he had. There's nothing you can say to change him right now, but how does fighting back help you to heal or help him see the error in his ways. Be the person you want and deserve to be. It's not easy, but I believe you can do it!
You are so right, and I know this. I know hurt ppl hurt ppl. But I am getting so tired of it because I have a hard time not letting it affect me. I think I have mostly done good to not react badly... I haven't said anything hurtful & have only this week started to back away from him... Avoiding him when I can (when the kids aren't right there with us). But I am having a hard time detaching w/o being cold.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
And just when I think I can steel myself for the long haul, last night he wakes up and puts his hand on my arm. I asked him what he was doing & he said, just putting my hand on your arm, do you want me to move it? I said no. I started to let hope seep back in but remained still and calm. Then a few minutes later his phone has a weather alert, he moves his hand & then stays on his side of the bed. I try to go back to sleep, can't, & so I ask him what he is doing. He said he didn't know. Ugh. And now I am back to the tormented state because of this. Then I can't resist & go look at his fb (which I am no longer his friend) & see that he is no longer friends w/ the other woman. I get that hope back but then tamp it down telling myself she could have Unfriended him!
Ugh. I just want to have better control of my emotions & not let him affect them so much. Up or down!!
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
What is the difference between detaching and withdrawing?
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
Detaching means you are not hitching your wagon on the spouse's actions, behaviors, or words thus being influenced by them. It is like being thrown about like a ragged doll. Detachment means you are not impacted by another individual's actions, behaviors or words. You still care about the person and interact with them without being thrown off kilter.
Whereas withdrawing is a self-protection mechanism where there is no contact and shutting yourself off from the event, situation, or interaction. Withdrawing from a person is total disengagement which means that YOU are affected by the attendant event/situation.
Detaching means you are not hitching your wagon on the spouse's actions, behaviors, or words thus being influenced by them. It is like being thrown about like a ragged doll. Detachment means you are not impacted by another individual's actions, behaviors or words. You still care about the person and interact with them without being thrown off kilter.
Whereas withdrawing is a self-protection mechanism where there is no contact and shutting yourself off from the event, situation, or interaction. Withdrawing from a person is total disengagement which means that YOU are affected by the attendant event/situation.
Make sense? Hope this helps.
Ugh. Yes. That makes sense. I have had a history of withdrawing which was the cause of our previous relationship problems and now I find myself being pulled to do it again. I have read & reread the detachment sticky but am having a hard time with it. In reality, all I do is in an effort to get my spouse to work on our marriage.
So I guess I just don't know how to detach when I really care about wanting intimacy and closeness in our relationship. I just end up withdrawing (avoiding contact with him).
So if he does something... like not wearing his wedding ring... this is hurtful and makes me panic. But if I were to detach, I wouldn't be hurt by it, not worried about it? Or just not react to it outwardly?
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
If you were detached, you would recognize that it's his choice whether or not to wear his ring and it wouldn't impact your emotional well being. Just like you shouldn't base your choice on wearing your ring on how he may react.
[quote=Wonka] So if he does something... like not wearing his wedding ring... this is hurtful and makes me panic. But if I were to detach, I wouldn't be hurt by it, not worried about it? Or just not react to it outwardly?
^^^^^^^
Exactly! Ideally you will not react either way. It may take some time and as been hardest part of DB for me. You cannot control that he chooses to not wear ring, so it is wasted energy to get upset or obsess about it. He also may be tring to get reaction from you/pick argument. It is REALLY hard though.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
If you were detached, you would recognize that it's his choice whether or not to wear his ring and it wouldn't impact your emotional well being. Just like you shouldn't base your choice on wearing your ring on how he may react.
Easier said than done though, huh?
Ok, ok. I see. Going to focus on that. What he does is his choice & should not let that impact my emotions. Yes, so much easier said than done.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
