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Cadet,

Remember that Bob's W's main complaints were that he was overly critical and appeared not to care about her at all. So Bob really needs to showcase that caring side in his interactions with his W. This is Bob's 180 right there.

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Originally Posted By: Cadet
Yes 7/15 is fine.

Of course I dont usually say too much. smile smile smile

LOL! laugh


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Joined: Dec 2014
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Gr8ful3, Toots, Cadet, Aj8 and Wonka,

I can’t thank you all enough for your valuable insight, encouragement and advice. I’m at work now, so I don’t have a lot of time now, but at lunch I am going to dedicate a prayer to all of you. I’ve always been a man of faith, but this crisis truly has brought me closer to God which has led me to me more prayerful.

If we could somehow meet (I know, won’t happen) I would buy you all as many of your favorite drinks as you could drink!

Wonka, you hit the nail right on the head: “Remember that Bob's W's main complaints were that he was overly critical and appeared not to care about her at all. So Bob really needs to showcase that caring side in his interactions with his W. This is Bob's 180 right there.”

Cadet & Others, Wonka described my situation better than I did last night to Cadet. LOL

I am going to send Wonka’s suggested post to my W: “Yes, 7/15 is fine. I am sorry that you feel this way. Take care and have a good day.” Why? I have gotten great suggestions but Wonka’s makes the most sense for the reasons she stated:

“Say nothing about "understanding her reasons for leaving" because:

1) You really don't at all
2) Why continue to "reinforce" that notion in her head??
3) Her leaving is ALL on her”


Through the Db’ing, I think we all feel “lost” as to what our next step should be. I’d be SO lost without you all I think I’d be somewhere on Jupiter by now.

Thank you and God’s blessings to you all.

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
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Oops....although I thanked her last night, I forgot to mention Vanilla. V, thanks for the assistance and I will pray for you on my lunch, too! You got me headed in the right direction.

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Joined: Jul 2014
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Bob ... I just read up on your sitch a bit .. and Wonka as always is spot on with the Text ... as she always is with TM and email exchanges ... little does she know I changed my number in my wife's phone to hers just to keep my fat fingers from wrecking it all.


I think that TM shows strength more than anything ... I have hear that "I just can;t go back to that life" more than I would ever care to, but honestly, I realized I could not go back to that either and we both had to do our share of changes.

You have been working at it, you need to allow her to do the same, might take a bit but seems more times than not they start to realize it was not all on us ... we took the blame and when we are no longer the target it forces them to look in the mirror a wee bit.

Hang in there.

Last edited by CaliGuy; 07/07/15 05:40 PM.

M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Hi Bob,

Thanks for stopping by my thread. I wish you peace my friend. You're doing all that you can do, and that is a lot of peace to be had.


Mid 30's
Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH
D 9/15; NC forever on

You can't DR your way out of abuse.



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Hi Bob, how's the day going? You certainly got the help you needed with your text. I'll echo a few others in that you are doing the best that you can in a horrible situation. A few months ago you were always on here, and now you are missing for a day or two due to GALing. That's awesome. It's very interesting to go back and look at our past posts. They help to show us how far we have come.

Keep the faith, watch out for bears, missing planets, and killer rabbits.

I keep you in my prayer list every night.

hugs

E


M 46 / H 43
T 24/M 18
S 4
11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY
1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom
1/8/2016 H moved out

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Quote:
I also realize that one of Sandi's 37 Rules is to never say we have changed.


Well technically, it says never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes. smile

Quote:
I do care about you - I just can't live like we did before.

Sandi, having been in my W's position (similar at least), any thoughts about her last sentence?


She is trying to show her nicer side. Saying the words that she does care about you, is not equivalent of saying ILY, so please do not spend time pondering over it. It is just a nicer form of her saying she doesn't wish anything bad for you........but it does not change her decision to leave the M. She's doing this to prevent you from pressing her about the relationship. As if to say, "Let's just be friends".


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
Well technically, it says never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes. smile

She is trying to show her nicer side. Saying the words that she does care about you, is not equivalent of saying ILY, so please do not spend time pondering over it. It is just a nicer form of her saying she doesn't wish anything bad for you........but it does not change her decision to leave the M. She's doing this to prevent you from pressing her about the relationship. As if to say, "Let's just be friends".

Hello Sandi!

Thank you for stopping by. Excellent comments, as always. Yes, I was going by memory and I misquoted the comment about changes. Thanks. smile

I did send Wonka's suggested text about 24 hours ago. It went thru right away (many times W has her phone off) and I have not heard back from her. I did not expect to, at least not this soon.

Your suggestion about not spending any time pondering why my W writes "I do care about you" is so good. I need to hear the truth, especially from someone who has been in a similar sitch as my WW. I suppose there was a part of me that thought MAYBE she was starting to reconsider her decision. No expectations, I know.

I know you have your hands full at home so I can't express how much it means to me that you took time to stop by. I am praying for you, your H and D nightly. First, I pray for my children, and then you and your family are next, as I know you are in a rough spot with the health issues.

Sending friendly hugs your way . . .

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
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Hey CaliGuy,

Thank you for taking the time to stop by and the encouragement!

You are awesome. Please hang in there, too.

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
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