Really Random Ramblings

[LouR]

Hi Tad

Awwww, I really do feel for you, you have got yourself in to a vicious circle and I think you are aware that only YOU can break it.

Its easy for us to say "just go do something, anything, the first time will be hard but it will get easier" some of us have been where you are now. But that is us and you are you. What you are feeling is genuine and valid.

Reconditioning your thought process takes determination, it takes willpower to make yourself see things differently. We can suggest things for you to do and try but only YOU can choose to make the steps necessary to change your life - and it will be a change for the better, you know that.

Your s seems genuinely concerned for you - why not enlist his help with this. Ask him to go to/do one of the 7 things you thought about, make it less scary by doing it with someone you know and trust. That way it takes the fear factor level down a notch or two. You will hopefully see that there was nothing to fear, that is was ok and you can do it again on your own.

Tad, I feared going on out my own, doing new things, meeting new people - I felt sick with nerves, even drove to a few places, sat in the car park and then drove home cross with myself that I just missed out on something I really wanted to do through fear. So I broke it down - go for 15 minutes, if I don't feel comfortable then I can leave, but I have to stay at least 15 minutes - I am much more confident going to things now or trying something new (in the beginning the fear of looking at idiot held me back, what would other people think) I still have the 15 minute rule, but now I have new friends so I don't go to or do many things alone now - but I know I will be just fine and most likely enjoy myself if I do.

You come across as a really nice guy Tad, don't let the world miss out on having you in it and you miss out on the world.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Wonka, Toots and Lou.

Everything seems so much easier saying them than doing them. My weekend is over and.....

I failed.

I get three days off every week.

Day 1: I had planned to head to the local bar. Not to drink, but just to socialize a little bit. Shaved and put some nice clothes on. Thats as far as I got...no motivation.

Day 2: Had planned on going down to the pool in the evening just to chill and get out. Got my swimming trunks on....and thats as far as I made it.

Day 3: I was going to take a "party bus" to northern Arizona and to check out one of the new casinos up there. I EVEN MADE MY RESERVATION. I over slept.

I fail.

Just can't seem to get out.

Maybe next weekend.

I hope.

Tad

[LoisB]

Tad,

What does successful GAL-ing look like to YOU?

It may not look the same as it does for someone else.

How many friends do you feel would help you get your needs met? How many events or interactions with others do you need to feel successful socially? Start with a defined goal that works for you.

And, the fact you shaved and got dressed shows me you did have motivation. Look at it differently. You took the initiative, but stopped short of arriving at the pool or whatever. How come? What stopped you from stepping out of the door? What could you do differently next time to get a little closer to the pool?

If you find yourself doing the same things over and over and over and getting the same similar results, then something else is going on. It shouldn't be so hard to get to the pool.

So what is the extra thing going on?

This board is designed to help people dealing with the MLC of a loved one. There is stellar advice on handling MLC. It's not, however, designed to help someone with undiagnosed Asperger's, Autism, chronic depression, general anxiety disorder, panic attacks, etc... Posters who mean well and want nothing but the best for you, may give you the wrong impression that you simply need to try harder which will give you the impression that you are failing... when, in reality, there is something going in your inner workings which is causing you to get stopped up.

What if there is something more? You will still need to do the footwork if you really want to see changes.

Honestly, Tad, in my opinion... NOT A DOC... You sound like someone on the autism spectrum with the social difficulties and depression you describe. If this is the case, you will need to adjust your expectations.

What kept you from walking out to the pool? Was it anxiety? Were you feeding yourself negative messages? Were you overwhelmed by the pressure you put on yourself? People generally avoid things because they have had consistent bad experiences in the past. Did you set yourself up to fail before you even started? Did your brain get overloaded in some way?

What if you redefine your idea of success?

Most of us on these boards have more than just an MLC-er causing us issues. For some, those issues are more profound and have caused years of perceived failures and frustrations. By the time we reach mid-life, we have years of shame. In my case, I have some other issues which contributed to the breakdown of my marriage.

At this stage of the game, you know yourself Tad. YOU know yourself better than anyone on these boards.

Sounds like you have figured out the career piece and it took you some time to sort that out. Give yourself props for that. Now, you have to sort out the social and depression piece. Pick one, set reasonable goals and make adjustments which work for you.

Did you know there is a group online called Rat Assistance and Teaching Society? Sounds more up your alley than a casino.

[tadpole1025]

Wow. I'll try to answer your questions. This could be a lengthy post.

What does successful GAL-ing look like to YOU?

Honestly, I'd be happy just getting out and socializing once or twice a week. ANYTHING right now would be an improvement. Before everything started, I had friends coming out of my ears, I could have any woman I wanted when walking into a bar. (I'm not bragging. It's just the way it was because of who I was and what I did for a living.) Of course, I never acted on it because I'm not one to cheat and it just wasn't worth losing what I had at home. I was the life of the party. When this all began, I kind of went into a self-imposed exile. I fell off the planet. Now, I socialize with nobody outside of work. I still have some radio friends, but I rarely talk to them.

How many friends do you feel would help you get your needs met? How many events or interactions with others do you need to feel successful socially? Start with a defined goal that works for you.

Again, just once a week would be a start. I'm not looking for a miracle. I just need something. Anything.

What stopped you from stepping out of the door?

I'm not really sure. I just never went. I don't even remember if I made a decision not to go...it just didn't happen.

This board is designed to help people dealing with the MLC of a loved one. There is stellar advice on handling MLC. It's not, however, designed to help someone with undiagnosed Asperger's, Autism, chronic depression, general anxiety disorder, panic attacks, etc... Posters who mean well and want nothing but the best for you, may give you the wrong impression that you simply need to try harder which will give you the impression that you are failing... when, in reality, there is something going in your inner workings which is causing you to get stopped up.

Yeah, even though this all started with XW's MLC, I've been wondering if I should even post here anymore. I've basically gone back to how I was when I was a kid....a shy, non confident loner. I went from one extreme to the other: A shy non confident loner to being a locally famous celebrity back to being a shy non confident loner.

What kept you from walking out to the pool? Was it anxiety? Were you feeding yourself negative messages? Were you overwhelmed by the pressure you put on yourself? People generally avoid things because they have had consistent bad experiences in the past. Did you set yourself up to fail before you even started? Did your brain get overloaded in some way?

I' not sure. I think I put too much pressure on myself because by the time I got around to going, it didn't feel like something that I wanted to do. It felt more like a chore: something that I HAD to do.

Did you know there is a group online called Rat Assistance and Teaching Society?

Yeah. I haven't checked it out yet though. I've been trying to stay away from that sort of thing because of the way I am towards animals these days. That is probably the weirdest thing of all since this all started. I'm different towards them: more love and compassion for all animals. I was NEVER an animal person before. Just last week, there was a little dove on my lawn. He was learning to fly, but hadn't mastered it yet. He could get his wings going a little bit, but not enough to get him back into the tree. I thought about helping it, but didn't because I didn't want to interfere. I thought it would be better that way. He eventually made it back into the tree, but....I spent two days worrying about him.

As for rats, I want to get a couple more, but I haven't yet and am not sure if I will, just because I get too attached to them. They have very short lifespans. I'm done with death. It is so sad when they get old.

Overall, I'm not really sad these days with a few exceptions. I'm more upset about my little rats than anything else.

Well, the post wasn't as long as I thought. Wanted to write a lot more, but maybe another time. I'm tired.

My S22 has a show this weekend. That's something. Atleast I'll get out then.

Tad

[Wonka]

Tad,

I want to bring these parts in focus here:

Before everything started, I had friends coming out of my ears, I could have any woman I wanted when walking into a bar. (I'm not bragging. It's just the way it was because of who I was and what I did for a living.) Of course, I never acted on it because I'm not one to cheat and it just wasn't worth losing what I had at home. I was the life of the party. When this all began, I kind of went into a self-imposed exile. I fell off the planet. Now, I socialize with nobody outside of work. I still have some radio friends, but I rarely talk to them.

Yeah, even though this all started with XW's MLC, I've been wondering if I should even post here anymore. I've basically gone back to how I was when I was a kid....a shy, non confident loner. I went from one extreme to the other: A shy non confident loner to being a locally famous celebrity back to being a shy non confident loner.

You are writing as if YOU had nothing to do with HOW you handle events. It sounds as if the bogeyman is at fault here for how YOU act nowadays.

Excuses...excuses.

You are THE ONLY person in the world that's responsible for your own life. Your XW did not make you a loner. Your XW did not make you withdraw. Your XW did not make you anti-social.

It is all ON YOU. Why? It all comes down to choices. You talk and act like all of that ^^ is beyond your control.

Hogwash.

I am getting exasperated with your fear of the outside world. Yeah, go right ahead and become the "hermit" recluse. Good luck with that.

We cannot help you here any more. We've done all we can here with suggestions, helpful tips, guidance.

We just cannot make the horse drink water. I guess you'll die of thirst....die of isolation.

Your choice.


You need professional help...seriously.

Oh that's right...your excuse is that you "don't like" this or that therapist.

You do what you want to do here, Tad.

Look...we all have faced losses and fears. We just push through it. There's no secret formula here.

Just push through it. I do this myself as with thousands (if not millions) of other people. Force myself out there. I am glad for it because I've made some cool friends and met my hot new girl.

[AJM]

You need professional help...seriously.

The engineer in my is jumping up and down excitedly, because of course you can make a horse drink. You put the hose down deep enough in his mouth and turn the water on...

Seriously though, Tad - you do need help. What you describe is depression. Clinical. What the cause is? We can't tell, but you'll need to get that taken care of. YOU.

Get a therapist and a doctor. Keep them. Break through the excuses and DO IT.

AJ

[LoisB]

Yikes Wonka. Harsh much?

You may want to pass on that job as an advocate for the mentally ill.

In my experience, people create default behaviors for good reasons. Uncover the reason and you are on your way to changing the default. Or, maybe the default just needs a small adjustment.

Tad, consider looking up information on Aspergers. Something is going on... Depression, anxiety, ASD?? And, I don't believe this is a simple matter of you pushing through. Whether you choose to explore the possibility of something deeper, that's up to you. But, a little support in the right area could make all the difference.

[Wonka]

Heather,

Harsh? It is a matter of perspective.

For me, I wanted to lay it all on the table for Tad for we all have had this discussion several times over a period of time. In my mind, it is time to push himself. No more BS.

It is not my place to tell (or imply) people that they're mentally ill...nor would I ever do it.

As you can see, Tad is very much stuck. We all have said this in some fashion over a long time:

-seek professional help
-try one outing a week
-try to connect with people
-try a hobby/interest

We all have given our time here to support Tad. We all are very sympathetic to Tad's struggles.

I think it's pretty much the time to either chit or get of the pot. Yeah, sometimes it takes a person to step up and lay it all out here.

((Tad))

P.S. I have a close family member who suffers from agoraphobia...soooo....

[LiveNow]

Tad -- have you tried meetup.com? Whatever your interests, there is a group (or 2 or 3 or 4) for you. It's a great way to get back out there and make some new friends. Everyone is in the same boat -- everyone goes to their first meetup at some point. I found everyone to be so welcoming. I've gone to some really fun events. It helped me a lot over the past few months. After a while, you kind of get the hang of it, and meeting new people becomes second-nature.

One foot in front of the other, Tad. Just DO it.

LiveNow

[LoisB]

P.S. I have a close family member who suffers from agoraphobia...soooo....

What?

I have a grandparent with a heart condition, but I'm not qualified to perform her triple bypass.

I can't imagine a trained professional giving someone with agoraphobia an ultimatum.

What I see... from the perspective of someone who has some similar issues to Tad's... pressure doesn't work. It's just more pressure.

Pressure and anxiety is the enemy.

Encouragement and calm and steady support is the hero of the day.

I've watched people give Tad tough love over and over and I don't see it ever moving him to reach out for professional support.

In my experience, it's not when people point out my crazy that gets me moving... it's when people point out my victories.

And, we can't possibly know all of Tad's story from these boards. For all we know, he could have a developmental disability, a history of sexual or physical abuse, some childhood trauma which is stopping him from interacting with others.... the point is... I believe it's very dangerous to tell someone on the Internet that they are seriously troubled and don't bother posting anymore because we've tried to help you and you are helpless.. which is essentially what you said.

Tad, if seriously clinically depressed, could read that and decide.. WTF? I should just off myself because I'm obviously too crazy to even get support on an online forum.

Wonka, I don't believe anyone has the right to add to the negative chatter in someone else's head. Especially when someone is very fragile and frighteningly alone.

Whatever the reason for being so alone... Not my place or anyone's to judge.

I think Tad has shown some remarkable strength in putting his job situation in place. His employment piece is settled and that's no small accomplishment for someone who appears to be clinically depressed. IF there's agoraphobia or Asperger's or whatever else going... then IT'S AN EVEN GREATER VICTORY!

He could be unemployed. He could be on welfare.

Armchair psychology can be very damaging when someone is fragile.

What I've learned from this journey? Love people unconditionally. You can't force someone to do anything they aren't ready to do. Love them anyway. Don't make it harder than it already is.