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V,

I do understand. In the states we are celebrating our independence day. I am thinking of you today, happy Independence Day. You are free! Let his crap bounce off you, and I hope you enjoy a beautiful day.


Mid 30's
Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH
D 9/15; NC forever on

You can't DR your way out of abuse.



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Big healing hug to you V.

I'm sorry your H is still causing you trauma. He most certainly is addicted to V and causing you problems. What a nightmare you are trapped in.

Your H will have to find someone else to abuse soon. Once he realizes that he can't get his fix from you he will inevitably have to move on, I've seen this numerous times with stalking and obsession cases. Your full dark NC rule is perfect. Eventually his attention will shift. Prepare yourself to wait out this storm and it will pass.

No sugar and alcohol sounds like a great start to your own physical strength. Put as many eggs into that self care basket as you can right now.

You are in my prayers and thoughts V. Today is Independence Day here in the states and I pray for yours. It will come. Hang tough V.

Much love,
PP


M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
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Hey V! Stopping by to lend some support, to remind you to take care of yourself. You are an amazing woman.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
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Hi Vanillia. Any help I have given you has been repaid 100 times over.

Time to let go of the past and heal. You deserve it


Take care. Rd

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Originally Posted By: Vanilla
Zelda

Some days are ok, I function but can't perform. At least I am doing something. Other days I flaff and fluff and I get nothing done.

I panic and feel exhausted, permanent hard knots of anxiety. My stomach feels like there is a solid rock in it. My heart is heavy, my knees hurt.

The weather is good but I don't want to be outside. Mainly I feel like resting but I still don't feel less tired.

I go GAL and there are moments when it's ok, brief glimpses of normality.

This is not about WH, it is about being.

I haven't checked my email for a week, there could be time bombs.

I let myself off the hook for this, I know it has to be, it is part of the trauma healing process and I must face it down. I accept that joylessness is part of the pain. I will get as much from this as I can, it's part of life.

Today is another day, I want to be well, extreme care. I have given up sugar, alcohol goes completely too. Exercise will come next.

I want to be really well, I want to eat, glow and nourish, but it seems like too much like hard work and I will just have to push through it.

I have been reading books about abuse, whilst that fixes some ideas other thoughts emerge. It takes two to Tango, you can't be abused without your consent. But that's not my experience, at the point I said I will not be abused, it worsened, I changed I set boundaries. I tried almost everything I could, every technique. I looked at posture, tone, neutrality, grey breeze block, STFU, walk away, coolness, responses, anger return, withdrawal, and validating. And I prayed for guidance for WH to stop because he wanted to stop.

I tried intervention, VSO support and counselling. I consulted, discussed, sought help from my higher power.

At the end of the day all I have is NC, pitch black but that hasn't stopped it. The wretch turns up unexpectedly, texts and rants. All about money.

This abuser abuses, did I train him this was rewarding, is it in him?

At this point I do not care why, I just want it to stop.

V


You are doing fantastic and you are an inspiration to many of us. WH is a broken man who needs to break down others to feel ok about his own brokenness, and v is strong, complete and has the tools to put her life back together better going dark is the best thing you have to avoid having him sabotaging your progress. Those who cannot build themselves up knock others down.

I am realizing this about H. He never was h a lot I got my job even that was all he said he wanted was to me to get a job like that to take the pressure off him. When I got it he mocked me for having to stay so late and said that I am going to fail. I believed him and it happened. He brought ow around into my kids life to show I was incapable of being superior and doing my job. I believed him and let my job suffer so I could reclaim my family from her skanky hands. Cutting me down so he could feel like less of a failure. We might not have realized what was happening at the time, but now that we do it is time to make sure they can never cut us down again.

On those days when it feels like too much work to meet your goals set a smaller goal just for that day. It's about progress. If you have 10 things you want to accomplish and can only one of those it is still progress.

There is a goal setting system called tiny habits. The focus is to choose tiny goals rather than focusing on the big picture. So instead of saying "I will run 5k today" instead say "I will put my running shoes on". That is easy to do, and once those running shoes it is easier to say, I am going outside . It's little goals like that. Tiny successes that keeps you going. So rather than thinking no sugar ever, think I will not put sugar in my coffe right now. Staying in the moment is all we have, especially on those days when something as getting out of bed in the morning feels like more than we can handle. Those days I think, all I have to do is put my feet on the floor, that's it. Once those feet are on the floor, standing up seems a bit easier.


40s 2teens M14Y
BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14
BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14
EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues
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D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
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Originally Posted By: Vanilla
Zelda

Some days are ok, I function but can't perform. At least I am doing something. Other days I flaff and fluff and I get nothing done.

I panic and feel exhausted, permanent hard knots of anxiety. My stomach feels like there is a solid rock in it. My heart is heavy, my knees hurt.

The weather is good but I don't want to be outside. Mainly I feel like resting but I still don't feel less tired.

I go GAL and there are moments when it's ok, brief glimpses of normality.

This is not about WH, it is about being.

I haven't checked my email for a week, there could be time bombs.

I let myself off the hook for this, I know it has to be, it is part of the trauma healing process and I must face it down. I accept that joylessness is part of the pain. I will get as much from this as I can, it's part of life.

Today is another day, I want to be well, extreme care. I have given up sugar, alcohol goes completely too. Exercise will come next.

I want to be really well, I want to eat, glow and nourish, but it seems like too much like hard work and I will just have to push through it.

I have been reading books about abuse, whilst that fixes some ideas other thoughts emerge. It takes two to Tango, you can't be abused without your consent. But that's not my experience, at the point I said I will not be abused, it worsened, I changed I set boundaries. I tried almost everything I could, every technique. I looked at posture, tone, neutrality, grey breeze block, STFU, walk away, coolness, responses, anger return, withdrawal, and validating. And I prayed for guidance for WH to stop because he wanted to stop.

I tried intervention, VSO support and counselling. I consulted, discussed, sought help from my higher power.

At the end of the day all I have is NC, pitch black but that hasn't stopped it. The wretch turns up unexpectedly, texts and rants. All about money.

This abuser abuses, did I train him this was rewarding, is it in him?

At this point I do not care why, I just want it to stop.

V


Hi V,

I'm sorry you are struggling still. I wanted to say a couple things.

First, you did not train him by allowing him to reap rewards from abusing you. He had those tendencies long, long before. His addictions may have gotten worse during the years with you, and that may have lead to him becoming more abusive, but that's also not something you had any control over.

The "two to tango" notion is about allowing it to continue (or even escalate - but the escalation is a combination of the dance and other factors in the abuser's life) and creating the particular dynamics within a particular relationship. As you are already aware, you behaved in ways that gave him a short term fix to soothe his wounds and sent him signals that you didn't deserve to be treated otherwise. I know you are exploring your side of things via reading (& from reading your posts, a very smart lady), but I hope you also get counseling with someone who has training with abuse survivors to address your part of the dynamic for a future healthy relationship.

That said, when the abused finally says no, the abuser often reacts by escalating. What does that tell us? If it were just the accumulation of unconscious habits built off of dynamics in your M, and he really loved you, he would have been shocked into facing the reality and would have shown remorse and tried to fix at least some of his ways. I know that I've done some things because of my own problems that were emotionally abusive at times to my W (it really is hard for this not to happen a bit given male/female socialization in our cultures). When confronted with it, I woke up, apologized repeatedly and profusely, took responsibility for my words, worked on correcting any behavior, and did the hard work at facing what in my beliefs and my problems contributed to this. Not great DBing in most cases (which is the irony of this - you do the right thing, but it further hurts your M). Is that what your H did? Nope. Your H is clearly a deeply damaged serial abuser. You had confirmation when he didn't stop that he is not someone capable of healthy love and you did the right thing to take steps to get out and close the door.

At some point, for your own sake, you will want to find a way to forgive him by understanding how deeply he was mistreated as a child (this is where he is coming from) and how the man you did honestly love and find something attractive about is not, and likely will not, ever know a healthy loving relationship. But that is for sometime in the distant future.

For right now, going dark, taking any legal measures to protect yourself from stalking or unregulated contact, and dealing with the traumas and wounds left to you are all that matters. I haven't been able to read back over all your threads, so maybe you are doing some of this and will excuse my suggestions, but IC & finding a support group from women victims of abuse are really important.

You clearly show signs of PTSD (the traumas can be cumulative and not just from one-off events). I won't try to diagnose (not appropriate nor am I qualified) you as such, but you do show many classic signs. Finding support in a group of fellow survivors where you can do all the physically intimate support (cry, laugh, hug, rage together, etc.) is something most people in your sitch find really, really helpful at getting their life functioning again. Some kind of body work (yoga is the go to for this) can be therapeutic as will (this is backed by a growing literature for abuse/trauma victims). Still, IC with someone with training & experience with abuse survivors is a key piece to figuring out what fears and beliefs lead you to dance the dance with an abuser and how to make sure you are building for a healthy next R.

You are a brave soul and have done something wonderful in turning your pain into a means to help others here who are facing the same or similar abuse. In reading your recent post where your reading of abuse literature points brings out the two to tango message, please, please, please don't turn that message into a reason to blame yourself, add shame onto the pain you are already feeling, or see it as you having defects that made this possible. That isn't what the message is. It is one of thinking how you can break the cycle now and in future Rs. We all have "defective" beliefs, habits, and fears that make us all vulnerable to abuse. Those are things that grew out of your early years as a child and your relationship with your parents (don't blame that 5 year-old self for developing some fears, beliefs, and habits to protect herself when love wasn't available), and they are deepened in the way our culture(s) socialize young women into certain roles with certain beliefs and habits. Again, that isn't your fault. You allowed yourself to be abused, and that is a painful enough demon to wrestle with, but don't ever make it your fault. This is one of those situations where taking responsibility to change is better served by recognizing that it was not something to about you for which you deserve blame or shame. It is about seeing all the ways in which you were vulnerable to this and recognizing where they came from so you can effectively work on those habits and trainings. Recognizing the role of socialization of women, recognizing the role of your family of origin, recognizing the core beliefs about the way the world should be, recognizing how you developed certain coping strategies as a child that you carry with you to this day (as we all do), require that we let go of blaming ourselves to see the bigger picture of how we arrived to where we are and how so much of who we are (for better or worse) is not our fault.

Good luck with your struggles. We're rooting for you across our digital bridges to you.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
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V, like Jim, I find it hard to post here lately. I do check in to see how things are going with you. Part of me doesn't post because I feel that I can't offer you much...the other part of me finds it hard to reach out over this medium.

I want to give you empathy...but since learning about NVC, I know that empathy is about more than relating experiences. Empathy is about creating a space for you to be able to share your experiences and for us to listen with giraffe ears and hear your wants and needs. What I hear is someone who is wanting to make sense of things past...and I suppose that's all of us in one way or another.

You will get there, lovely V. Forgo the sugar and vino if you must, but never the cheeeeese. I'll really start to worry about you if you give up the cheeese!


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
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Gan , Jim

I wanted quickly to address the posting issue as I suspect their are more board members who find this difficult.

There could be a number of reasons I think, but this is how I see it. I decided (rightly or wrongly) to be completely open. Gg and Z have been amazing to me and brave, Scherman and our lovely mustardseed are exposed, if we are going to make this issue one which is capable of acknowledgement then the confusion and difficulty are exposing our vulnerability.

It's hard to post about so I can really know it's hard to read about and respond to. I expect that.

If in their own sitch, board members recognise elements there can be denial or confusion.

In addition at the moment I have few answers, I couldn't change the abuse or stop it and I haven't recovered from it. That's hard to know for me and the distress is obvious to me and all my friends and family. I hope not to H.

It will take time and I trust that's ok. I promise to work hard to recover and to try everything. Some things will work better than others.

I am grateful that you read and consider my confusion. Pray for me and wish those of us who work with abuse in our sitch recovery, that is for those with compulsions, addictions and those affected by it. I value that gratefully and with gratitude.

The odd 2x4 is helpful too.......

Cheeeeese is handy, if you come across Liam on your travels, grrrrr

Tons of hugs

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Z, PP, thank you for your support and comfort.

RD, my special friend, much peace to you and your fabulous family, I think of your joy and life together and it gives me great peace.

Sunny, lovely to see you posting, thank you.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Msd and ast there is much in your posts for me to think about.

Ast, I have few childhood issues so this abuse hasn't really stemmed from FOO issues and I am definitely not codependent. This is simply about being taken in by a man with compulsive issues and being naive and trusting.

That is why in my IC view I awakened very early to the abuse and started to set boundaries which escalated the abuse very quickly. DB helped me break free and identify the trauma but yes I am left with Trauma Bonding and PTSD. Of that I have no doubt at all, my doctor tells me my cortisol level is almost the highest he has ever seen.

I will get through it though, I am resilient and have survived the death of a spouse, a miscarriage, a stillbirth and an (amicable) divorce. This is another life step and I can rebuild.

I am lucky, very lucky, I am loved, I have many friends, I have a business, I have a home, a white van, a little old red convertible, my 12 steps, DB, my IC, my Gamanon and my higher power.

And I have the wisdom of the DB posters and their gentleness.

I understand Msd about small goals, my goals are grand and there will be success along the way, my performance will return in time, as will yours, this is a small set back Msd. I take great confidence from you and the work you did in those last months at your job, how you kept going and growing until the very last moment. The lessons you learned in your growth. How you plan your fins, one amazing lady.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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