I am being SO good, so patient, such a good listener, being really nice to my inlaws, I am SO proud of myself, digging in really deep to make this work. And this morning an old friend picked me up so we could take our daughters to the beach for a walk, while I was waiting for her H tells me about some comment I made that wronged him over a week ago, and how his IC thought it was wrong and of course I remember this but from my perspective it was totally innocent and I believe that no matter what I do, no matter what I change, he just wants to find fault and will take any thing I say and put a twist on it to reflect how terrible I am.
So we were discussing this as my friend pulled up, I tried to have a good time with her, and actually did to a degree, but this was in my head the whole time. So apparently he spends MC complaining about me, AND his IC session complaining about me too. This is so hard. I spend ALL my time reflection on my self and how to be better, stronger, etc. And I feel like no matter what I do I am going to fail because he won't cut me any slack. I really think he just wants out and no matter what I do will not make a difference. I am not giving up yet, just feeling really discouraged and really sad.
Maybe this will help you see more clearly about the detaching.
Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)
I. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.
When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.
When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.
We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).
We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)
PART II Detachment (found around here)
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.
* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
But you can't control the things he says or thinks. So dont worry about them. If he wants to pay for an hour of IC to complain about you, so be it. We both know there's a better way to spend the money, but oh well.
It sounds like you're on the right path. Stay strong, photoka.
Thank you Matt. I just got back from a party at his parents friends friend's house (in other words, I am pretty sure we crashed this party but it made the inlaws happy) and I put on an academy award winning performance of mingling and being social. Another complaint my H has is that he says I am socially incompetent and I cling to him at parties. I knew nobody there (neither did any of us) and H sat there on his iPhone, I made new friends and am actually playing words with friends with one of them right now.
As far as the self improvement goes, I should have done this years ago, I am actually feeling better about myself despite the broken heart. I am so much more friendly, thinner (not on purpose though), I dress better, I am more patient, just better overall. But dying inside. Not forever, I know. Hope you are all enjoying the weekend. I am in a way, lots of ups and downs but definitely some ups in there. My kids are awesome and I notice I am feeling more emotionally available to them lately. For three months I was in complete shock and not even sure what they ate or if anyone did any homework, now I am back to enjoying them. Well, in between all the sibling rivalry nonsense.
I keep reading and rereading everyone's advice and others stories and it is helping. I am doing fine. H this morning felt the need to criticize me because I used hand gestures while talking, said when I move my hands it indicates that I am telling him that what I am saying is not what I really mean????? I did stand up for myself and told him my hands were moving because I was processing my thoughts, and if he notices everyone does it including him to one degree or another (I actually don't very much, I am a pretty quiet person, actually that is another complaint he has). So I defended myself but without emotion (or Hand gestures God forbid!) So apparently no matter what I do he will find fault. The more he talks the more I really believe this all has very little to do with me. Yes, I have faults, and yes, I am not the perfect wife, but he is digging deep to find problems. He leaves tonight to head back home and I have 10 or 11 days to continue vacation with my kids. I hope he stays in contact but that is up to him.
Sandi, your detachment advice is helping me! I was thinking of it more like withdrawal. Since BD H has taken down Facebook pics of me and blocks anything he is tagged in with me, but loves to post pics of himself hanging out with his friends. Trying to project a single lifestyle I guess. I have been taking lots of pics (photography is my hobby) and posting them of the kids on our vacation. At first I posted them and didn't tag my H because I was thinking "he doesn't post anything to do with me on FB" and then I realized I was choosing my behavior based on his. When I realized that I tagged him in the photos and decided that it was his choice to keep them up or untag him, but he is still here and these are his kids and his wife until he decides otherwise. When he said goodbye last night (he is going back home while I continue our trip with the kids) he gave me the nicest, longest hug and actually kissed me on the lips and I think- not sure- I am not a mind reader- but he seemed emotional. So that was nice. He did text me a few times since last night and I responded but didn't initiate anything.
Trying not to obsess. Doing ok, at my sister's house but haven't heard from H in 3 days. He has IC today. I "did" amazing with his parents. I keep reading when I get some free time and then keeping very busy with vacation activities. I just wish he'd call me. I don't know how to keep my mind from from obsessing.
Thanks Cadet, I have been keeping really busy and actually having fun, going to a health club this afternoon to put the kids in activities while my sister and I work out and go to the cafe. But even though I am busy I just keep checking my phone A few times I left it in the other room for a few hours so I couldn't check, but it is so hard. I don't know how people do this for extended periods of time. Maybe I should leave my phone here at my sisters house when we go out. Also doing a hike and the place where we go has no cell reception.
