New to this forum. I have extensively read through all the posts...and I only wish I had started reading them when I first found out about my wife's affair.
Here is my story...
My wife has been having an affair for over 5 years now (This is the sixth year). We have had a rough marriage, but for the most part we hung together for the sake of kids (we have had fights, but we have also had some good times together). The affair was discovered by her partner's wife a year and half ago. While initially my wife declined to tell me the whole truth, eventually it became clearer that she and her partner (we used to be family friends) were deeply engaged in an emotional affair. In spite of my (and her partner's wife's) calls to end it, they have continued to talk to each other and see each other.
Four weeks ago when I discovered that this affair had no signs of abating, I cornered my wife into admitting if she wanted out of our marriage, if her partner becomes "available" i.e. goes through divorce with his wife. According to her, his wife and him have been supposedly having a rough time reconciling after the discovery, and in fact have started planning for divorce (this is what he tells my wife repeatedly - and has been saying this for the last year).
So for now, both husband-wife pairs are married, and then there is this affair that continues unabated. Both families have kids.
My questions for you all:
1. I get the feeling that my wife's affair partner is being disingenuous - he is not being honest. He says the divorce is happening only to string along my wife into believing that she will eventually get with him (having the cake and eat it too). I think he wants to stay put as he does not want his kids to see him as the guy who walked out on him. Instead I think he is expecting his wife to file for divorce...which she may. Am I right in my thinking here?
2. My wife is now saying she wants to give him one more year to get out, or call it quits. During this time she wants to stay married...either separated or living together. For now we're living together because I'd rather not jeopardize my kids midstream. I wonder how long I should continue to be a Plan B for my wife?
3. What are the odds of this partner and my wife getting together as a couple right after divorce. They both confess love for each other, but it appears that kids, and the stress of separation may make things a bit complicated? Am I right in assuming that this situation is not so straightforward?
Supposedly the affair started off as two unhappy individuals sharing a connecting emotionally. But my question is, why did they continue to stay put all these years, and are only now talking of a divorce when they had a year and half after discovery to file for divorces respectively and come together? Something does not add up in terms of truth.
I apologize for not using acronyms here.
I have been doing 180s/DBs since few weeks but I also told her we should start the process of divorce by mediation...I read somewhere about consequences. I don't know if that is going down the right path.
Sorry you are here. I'm not sure what to tell you in a sitch like yours, where the A has gone on for so long.
Has your W shown any indication that she would reconcile and continue with you? Why doesn't she want a D regardless of OM? You say you have had a rough M, but what has changed recently on your end that gives you any reason that the M can be saved? Do you think you could be happy being the fallback? Why? What would it take to make that work?
Most A are recent attempts to get something missing or soothe someone who is hurting. Yours seems to be much deeper than this. I'm sure at least one of the vets can point you to a sitch similar to yours that might shed light.
Have you considered getting a DB coach? You may need some extra DB-foo in a sitch like yours.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Thanks asitis. The length of the A is the single biggest flag most people (including my friends) point to...it's simply baffling how long it went on w/o either party wanting to convert into a R or MR.
My wife has not officially said she wants to reconcile...in fact quite the opposite. She in fact said that she does not want to reconcile till she figures out what's going to happen w/ her AP. Clearly I am her plan B. I am not sure why she does not want a D - my feeling is that she has a sense of security at home with me kind of being her doormat (My 180s approach is recent). So she feels its nice to stay married and wait it out. Kind of a luxury. This is why I pushed her for a D mediation. I cannot let this go on her terms.
To your question on can the M be saved...I don't know if it can be. Not if my WW is not willing to commit. But I am not sure if DBs/180s will help the situation.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
You know it hit me....while I was researching on this forum. Is it likely that my WW is the one actually stringing along the OM? What if she is the one who wants to exit the M, and is forcing him to exit his so she can get "safe haven" when he does so?
In any case I think keeping the pressure on during mediation may show her that in the event that her AP does not divorce his wife (or she does not divorce him), then she'll have no one - not me nor him. Perhaps reality may be stark.
Or may be both of them will get divorced, and get together - and then my WW can cycle through her emotional needs with him too.
Hi Sandi - Thanks. I have read many of your posts...you're work is nothing short of noble. Appreciate your insight.
I found out about the A last January (2014). In fact, my W's AP's W found out. At that point my WW dismissed it as 'just conversation'...basically since the last year and half she 'drip fed' me information. Even then when I concluded that it was an EA, she dismissed it - however, I immediately started implementing changes. No more fights. Made sure I was always there for her and the kids. In fact in my W's own admission, the last year and half were the best days of our married life.
However in spite her so called 'commitment to end the A', it never did. The calls switched from familiar numbers to pay phones (the OM calls my wife). I confronted her at that time (in May this year), and she said that there was 50% possibility of her getting back with him as a H/W. At that point she told me she needed another year (till May 2016), to figure out which option she wanted to go with.
Then a few weeks ago I found some letters she had written to him last year...in which she clearly said that she wanted to 'lie low' till I gave up my suspicions, and that this 'giving up the A' is part of a bigger plan to keep things low till such time that he is able to D his W. When I confronted her, she dismissed those letters in typical fashion as being written in a moment of weakness. I don't believe her.
When I pushed her, she said that her ultimate goal is to get with her AP as a W, and that she has for now given up any and all hope in our MR. If she wants to come back, she wants to ensure her A is completely over otherwise no. She has told me that she has pulled out all stops to continue her A in full swing. In fact I recently found a prepaid phone and some condoms in her office bag. Things are in full swing.
When I put these two developments together, I concluded that (a) I could not wait for another year only to be a plan B, while watching my W continue her A without any regard for her family and (b) Why wait for her to tell me and then file for D...I'd rather be in control of the situation.
We are still on talking terms, so conversations that are non A related continue as if nothing happened. We also socialize with friends together for the sake of kids. But inside of me now I have made up my mind to move on - with or without her. In fact our mediation sessions start this Wednesday.
Unless someone flips a switch inside her, I think our M is over. She has given up any and all hope...and now I have as well. DBs/180s may push her even further I am afraid because it will reaffirm her belief that I am independent, emotionally detached...and not the person she wants to cling to anyway.
There's a major fact to point out: Your wife is admitting to the affair openly, telling you that you are Plan B, or C, etc. And that she wants to leave you for him. This is a declaration of warfare.
The longer you allow yourself to be plan B the more she will lose attraction for you. The more she will gain power in the situation, and the less likely she will ever get a sense that she can really lose you. At this point a harder line and showing some backbone is actually attractive.
She needs to feel your absence. She needs to stop getting any benefits from you as her husband.
Here's my advice:
1. Do not move out of your house and unseat yourself as the paterfamilias. It may also turn against you during divorce negotiations. If she wants space, she can move out or move to the basement couch.
2. Go see a lawyer to know your rights, even if you plan on mediation.
3. Do what is best for YOU and the children. Your wife is now acting in a hostile manner and is trying to destroy your family.
4. The earlier chapters in Divorce Busting may be a little too mild to work right now. Michelle Weiner Davis talks about the Last Resort Technique, After the Last Resort Technique and Ultimatums. This is where you need to start.
5. Sandi gives great advice. Follow her thread on husbands with Wayward Wives (cheating wives). Keep following that thread it's a goldmine. It's hard-core. It's what you need NOW.
Yeah, unfortunately given the length of the A and your wife's openness about her priorities, DBing in your case really does seem about getting yourself to a healthy place to learn about what went wrong so that you can not repeat the mistakes in future Rs and keeping things as amicable as possible for your future as co-parents.
Only you can make the choices, but marching toward getting into mediation with an eye to settling and moving on seems the prudent choice. It may yet lead to a real change of heart on her part, but given her track record, do you really think the M can be saved? If so, it will take a whole lot of work and absolute investment on her part. And, I don't see that possibility via any other path in your sitch other than pushing through with mediation and D. It may yet save your M if that is something you still want at that point, and at least you leave with some sense of self-respect and pride that you had the courage to stand up for yourself.
A g*d-awful situation. You may doubt it, but you've definitely got some fortitude in you if you've managed to stick with it this long. Bodes well for doing what is necessary to get to a healthy place for you and your kids in the future.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
