Listen to Sandi ... your W is seriously hooked on that online drug that just got a huge boost when it left the cyber world and became a real world tangible rush.
On your Birthday? Seriously .. drop the rope she is obviously all about herself right now and you have every right to 'dump' her as you should. It needs to be felt by her, with a capital Thud.
I get you want your M, but at this point she is addicted to something you and you rM can not provide, once she treats this for what it truly is .. and you regain some self esteem and self respect, then you can use the tools here, develop some rules .. and that's only IF she comes in and tells you she would do anything to save the M.
No, YOU don't leave the home and your children. She is the guilty party here, not you. There are other steps you can take first. Look back at the first thread I posted on help for the newcomer LBH'S with WW. Reviewing it right now will help you feel that a plan will come together.
Board traffic is slow on Sundays. In the morning, things will pick up again.
Reading through it again and again. So much pain. Her too. She is dying inside I can see it. Why would she choose to sacrifice so much for 30 sweaty minutes in a crappy hotel room???
Not for you to figure out right now. I doubt she could explain it to herself, much less you. Focusing on it will only make you miserable and make your DBing harder. Focus on you and what you need right now. Leave the other until after the dust settles a bit and she still shows an inclination to work on things.
Tap that support network now. Do things with your kids. Get out with people.
And, of course, listen to Sandi on this.
Hang tough.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
No, YOU don't leave the home and your children. She is the guilty party here, not you. There are other steps you can take first. Look back at the first thread I posted on help for the newcomer LBH'S with WW. Reviewing it right now will help you feel that a plan will come together.
Board traffic is slow on Sundays. In the morning, things will pick up again.
Reading through it again and again. So much pain. Her too. She is dying inside I can see it. Why would she choose to sacrifice so much for 30 sweaty minutes in a crappy hotel room???
Not for you to figure out right now. I doubt she could explain it to herself, much less you. Focusing on it will only make you miserable and make your DBing harder. Focus on you and what you need right now. Leave the other until after the dust settles a bit and she still shows an inclination to work on things.
Tap that support network now. Do things with your kids. Get out with people.
And, of course, listen to Sandi on this.
Hang tough.
I am prepared to do what I must. It's the watching it continue that I am not sure I can handle or WANT to handle. Having to sit here while my wife steps out for what is now certainly sex outside our marriage. I am not sure I am prepared to make that sacrifice.
Me: 39 W: 38 T-18yrs M-13yrs 2 Girls: 10 & 3 EA BD 5/24/15 Separate Bedrooms 6/12/15 PA BD 7/3/15 Separate Residence 8/8/15
How did you pull away when she asked for space? Do you really think you are to blame for her going and having sex with someone? Really?
Validate her feeling: "I'm sorry you feel that I pulled away when you asked me to give you space, maybe you need to explain better to me what you meant by that so I can understand." "I'm sorry you feel mad, I'm trying to understand why respecting your wishes for space made you mad."
At this point, don't get into a fight about the A. You can't win right now, and if you try, it will be a bitter victory.
Get some space for yourself. I can't recall your sleeping arrangements, but see Sandi2's thread on WW. Ask her to leave the MBR. If she gets angry and tries something else, that is her bad choice. Stand up for yourself. You don't need to be mean, just firmly draw the boundaries so that you make clear that you will not accept certain behavior.
She will keep pushing you as long as she thinks you will back down. She may keep pushing anyway. You aren't pushing her out. She is doing this to herself and to you. Don't believe otherwise. It isn't about winning or punishing her, but you need to gain some space to sort all this out, and right now, that means asserting boundaries that give you that space.
And, don't you be the one to leave. You are not the one to have the A. You are not the one wanting to end the M.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
How did you pull away when she asked for space? Do you really think you are to blame for her going and having sex with someone? Really?
Validate her feeling: "I'm sorry you feel that I pulled away when you asked me to give you space, maybe you need to explain better to me what you meant by that so I can understand." "I'm sorry you feel mad, I'm trying to understand why respecting your wishes for space made you mad."
At this point, don't get into a fight about the A. You can't win right now, and if you try, it will be a bitter victory.
Get some space for yourself. I can't recall your sleeping arrangements, but see Sandi2's thread on WW. Ask her to leave the MBR. If she gets angry and tries something else, that is her bad choice. Stand up for yourself. You don't need to be mean, just firmly draw the boundaries so that you make clear that you will not accept certain behavior.
She will keep pushing you as long as she thinks you will back down. She may keep pushing anyway. You aren't pushing her out. She is doing this to herself and to you. Don't believe otherwise. It isn't about winning or punishing her, but you need to gain some space to sort all this out, and right now, that means asserting boundaries that give you that space.
And, don't you be the one to leave. You are not the one to have the A. You are not the one wanting to end the M.
Yes, the next chapter is going to be over the terms of separation. I have no intention of "leaving" my home and children. She seems to think I should be the one to go based on some logic of hers about who is the better parent.
One of the things we have discussed is setting up a 1 BR apt nearby where we will trade shifts. The kids stay in their house everyday but mom and dad switch off every few days. Has that sort of arrangement worked for others?
The alternative is 2 households with identical stuff (one where everything is more cramped and a little crappier) and we make the kids shuttle back and forth. The former would seem to be the more cost effective solution and easiest on the kids.
Me: 39 W: 38 T-18yrs M-13yrs 2 Girls: 10 & 3 EA BD 5/24/15 Separate Bedrooms 6/12/15 PA BD 7/3/15 Separate Residence 8/8/15
Yes, the next chapter is going to be over the terms of separation. I have no intention of "leaving" my home and children. She seems to think I should be the one to go based on some logic of hers about who is the better parent.
Hi Last,
I've been keeping up with your sitch, and it seems like every time I want to say "Hello" or offer some advice or encouragement something comes up. Ok, enough with the excuses! LOL Here I am.
I loved your reply to asitis, in particular the part above. Good for you!
I see you been in good hands with asitis, CaliGuy and Sandi, to name a few.
You have this buddy!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
We do it that way. Three nights I'm in the house & W is in the shared apartment, 4 nights the other way around. I tend to have them longer on the transition days, so it is almost a 50-50 split. It is much easier to move ourselves than the kids. The kids are in a more stable situation.
Also, we have agreed that the apartment will be a haven to retreat to. Keep it clean, have some pleasant decorations, books, etc. Not ideal of course, but I think both my W & I prefer it and are planning to renew the 6 month lease when it is up at the end of the month.
It also keeps both of us in the house for financial negotiations, and avoids having to do too much of the fighting over who gets what furniture at that could have started the separation off on a hostile note.
Certainly, not for everyone. You need someone you can work with to keep both places up or one ends up having to clean up both messes, and that won't be a good sitch.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
We do it that way. Three nights I'm in the house & W is in the shared apartment, 4 nights the other way around. I tend to have them longer on the transition days, so it is almost a 50-50 split. It is much easier to move ourselves than the kids. The kids are in a more stable situation.
Also, we have agreed that the apartment will be a haven to retreat to. Keep it clean, have some pleasant decorations, books, etc. Not ideal of course, but I think both my W & I prefer it and are planning to renew the 6 month lease when it is up at the end of the month.
It also keeps both of us in the house for financial negotiations, and avoids having to do too much of the fighting over who gets what furniture at that could have started the separation off on a hostile note.
Certainly, not for everyone. You need someone you can work with to keep both places up or one ends up having to clean up both messes, and that won't be a good sitch.
I am very interested in this arrangement. I would like to know what kind of ground rules you have. What I have read is that when one or both partners starts dating it can get very touchy. Have you addressed that?
Me: 39 W: 38 T-18yrs M-13yrs 2 Girls: 10 & 3 EA BD 5/24/15 Separate Bedrooms 6/12/15 PA BD 7/3/15 Separate Residence 8/8/15
Yes. We have an agreement to not see other people, and should one of us decide to change it, we need to give advanced warning and discuss the ramifications and ground rules.
Mine would be not in the house even if the kids were not there, and I'd be reluctant to allow it in either place. Go do it elsewhere. I don't want to be sleeping in the same bed as, you know.
We do respect each other's privacy. If for some reason we need to come to the other place, it is with advance permission. Rarely happens in the case of the apartment, but more often with the house, as their is maintenance that needs to happen, and it is much more likely that something necessary will be forgotten at the house.
So far, there have been no problems with this. But, my W & I have been very good at handling the separation and the relationship at the level it is at the moment. Our MC has pointed it out to us that we are unusual, and I often joke to my friends when they are astounded by how we are working together to make this sitch work, "yeah we have a really strong M, except for we don't."
You can at least discuss the situation and see where that discussion leads. The original idea was a suggestion of my IC. Oh, and we worked for quite a few MC sessions on logistics of the separation.
Last edited by asitis; 07/07/1504:13 AM. Reason: added last line.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
