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Originally Posted By: Aj8
Asitis yeh I didn't know if I should tell her but thought she should know , she was such a caring wife with a big heart didn't expect such cold responses...:( so yeh when she texts on Friday she doesn't want me home so I'll be cordial and won't be home when she comes to pick up more of her stuff . Also What do I do about the ring , it's a lot of money.


Remember that she is not the W you knew. She may be again some day, or at least someone more like that person, but during the pain and stress of the sitch, she will not act like the person you knew. This is one of the hardest things to adjust to, because you don't really know them in the present, and so what worked in the past may not now.

On the ring, remember that it may have cost a lot & replacement value might be high, but what you'd get selling it would be much, much less than you expect.

On the charging straight ahead, do you suspect an OM in her life? Was there some big event in her life that really could have traumatized her and caused her to want to run hard and fast?

With no kids in the picture & only recently M, she can push this through fairly fast (I'm not familiar w/ CA law, but if I remember it has a fairly short waiting period after serving petition). It [censored], but you don't know her mindset completely, just what she is telling you and doing. It doesn't mean that she won't change her mind. Just keep detaching, focus on GAL and yourself, and she may surprise you.

Sorry that we can't offer much other than vague encouragement to stay the course, but it's not over until it is.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
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Thanks all, just don't know if it will work she texted today that I'll get D papers this week , also with no child to link us she will have no reason to contact me once the D is finalized, bc even now she doesn't even want me around when she comes by to get her clothes to take back to her moms. She's set the D date and even the date when the moving truck comes to get all her stuff. I have nothing to cling to not even a chance, even though I'm making steps to change myself for me


Me:35 W:30
7 years together
11 months married
No children
W Left me-moved to her moms: June 2015
W filed for D: July 2015
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 136
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Thanks asitis Cali law has six months separation before finalized. No OM as far as me or anyone knows ...anesthesiology school has her stressed and depressed which exasperated this all . I won't fight the ring it cost me 14k+ but not worth it Cali law will ultimately give it to her anyway .


Me:35 W:30
7 years together
11 months married
No children
W Left me-moved to her moms: June 2015
W filed for D: July 2015
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Forget the ring. Why do you want it? As a souvenir? As a bargaining chip for later? Let her keep it, pawn it, whatever she wants to do with it. You're trying to hold on to something of "hers".

You are the pursuer right now. She is the distacer. You have to work on yourself to change that dymamic. Read the distancer/pursuer homework from Cadet and it will start to become clear.

Start to accept that there is nothing you can do at this point to change your W's fellings, actions, opinions, thoughts, etc.

But you can change YOU.

Last edited by ralphy; 07/06/15 09:37 PM.

Me: 39y/o male
Wife: 35y/o
1 daughter, 2y/o
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So you have 6 months. There's plenty of stories about people calling it off at the divorce table or walking into the courthouse or even getting back together after divorce. There's no reason to give up hope until you decide to. None of us know what the future holds. Think about where you were six months ago. Now think about today. How do you possibly know where you'll be six months from now?

So all we can do is be READY if that time comes when our W will consider R. So who do you want to be if that time comes? That's the work to do now.


At BD - Me: 33 Her: 33; M: 10 T: 15; D: 6 and 3

BD: 3/25/15
S: 4/20/15
D: 11/9/15
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They will give her the ring itself, but it will (probably - again I'm not expert on CA common law statutes) go against her share of the marital assets, so you aren't really losing financially.

Don't worry about the lack of contact after the D, as the D is 6 months away. You don't know what will happen. I still think something is missing if there is no OM, some traumatic life event, or some really serious incident in your M that caused her to run like h*ll. Not that it would likely matter, but it doesn't add up.

Hang in there. All you can do is GAL, stop any and all pursuit, and see what happens. It changed on a dime. Read what you want into that in terms of what could happen in the future. If it changes again, you'll have a lot of work figuring out what happened, how to address that, and whether you can hitch your wagon back to that M after this.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 136
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Thanks everyone , the death of a beloved friend /companion /dog today made me sob even more and then when I text my wife the news --she knows how my parents and me loved the dog like member of the family but she replies about D stuff , wanting the ring back,? I'm like to myself who is this women, I don't know her these past three weeks . Honestly no traumatic event Asitis , that month she came back she was distant when I begged for her to stay then she left . Said its Bc she knows I don't want kids (I do) , doesn't love me anymore , I don't show enough affection , etc....


Me:35 W:30
7 years together
11 months married
No children
W Left me-moved to her moms: June 2015
W filed for D: July 2015
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AJ,

I am very sorry to hear for your loss and the way your were treated by your W. That is inexcusable!

I think we all wonder who are WAS' are. As painful as it was, I think W was trying to get to you by not mentioning the dog at all. Again, totally inexcusable but your best move is to not say anything more about it. Maybe W will acknowledge it in a day or two.

Hang in there my friend.

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
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Give her the ring back. This is about so much more than a ring.

Dont send texts. Dont respond to mean/angry texts.

Even if you reconcile, your current marriage is over. You will be starting fresh. You need to be the best YOU possible.


Me: 39y/o male
Wife: 35y/o
1 daughter, 2y/o
Joined: May 2015
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I am/was right where you were a month ago. Be patient. Things do get better, but it takes time. My W said the exact same things to me. She is coming around slowly. But I'm not pushing her either.

one of her concerns was I was too dependent on her. If I continued to show I depend on her, then that wouldn't help much would it? I had to pull a 180 and start being dependent on ME. I have a long way to go. I slip up. I backslide. I kick myself and wake up sometimes. I lean on people in this forum...but one thing is sure...I dont NEED my W anymore.

Breathe. This too shall pass.

Slowly.


Me: 39y/o male
Wife: 35y/o
1 daughter, 2y/o
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