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well fireworks cancelled as my daughter wants to go to her grandparents instead but we did go out to my favorite place to eat! It was so nice going out just me and my baby girl. AND it just happened he left to take a car for a drive he was working on and i left without a word! so proud of myself!


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Originally Posted By: 4mykid
Matt777 yes it was a lot of information! I like to give as much information as i can so I can get as much feedback as I can. I am so scared of messing this up and losing my family for good. I have NO relationship with ANY of my family so this is all I have. MIL and I are close. Lived with them at 17 when my mom abandoned me! fighting we got into a huge fight on tuesday night and he told me to leave he does not care about me, our friendship anything. he is starting to hate me. He said he will no longer hug me spend time with me or cuddle. He even said he wanted to take a loan out so i could get the hell out of his life. I am not sure if I should believe him. he also told me everyday I am here just makes him hate me even more. I struggle with believing him as he was angry.
dont believe anything he says and only 50% of what he does. Just because he says something doesn't mean that it's true or it will happen.

He did give me a half one arm hug throughout the end of this week. I text him around 12 today saying hi and asked if he wasnt talking to me! BIG MISTAKE. he blew up told me he didnt need to text me in the mornings or talk to him period. when i asked what was wrong he said nothing. I called when i got off so I knew how much money he needed out of bank for gas and of course he was pleasant. I feel like he is on a rollercoaster not me! and I do not understand how we can go from hanging out all the time cuddling hugging talking ect to this!
you HAVE to stop pursuing him. You don't need to text him to say hi! You want HIM pursuing YOU. Imagine that you're back in high school and a boy you don't like keeps sending you love notes and things. You probably bristle or make fun of him with your friends, right? So leave him alone! That doesn't mean he will ALWAYS see you that way, but he does right now.

Im so confused by his actions. please help me understand! I had been doing very well at just walking away I slipped up twice in a row in less than 10 days. I know i need to get back on track and that is my goal to just walk away and ask to discuss at different time.
there is nothing you can gain from fighting with him. Walk away as much as you need to so that you can discuss things rationally when you are both calm.

There would be no support as my child is not his and we have never been married. as for finances. we have seperate accounts but we ran his cc's up so 10,000 debt i dont want to just leave him with as we both spent. paychecks i budget bills and know what we need to pay. all of our money is our money we do not split anything. i got paid yesterday have no checks so deposited into his account and paid bills. we have never split bills because i am a control freak and it is always a fight when we try to discuss it so for me it easier to just share money.
By split bills, I don't mean split who does them, I mean split who contributes the money to them. If you make similar money, you should get to spend similar money. Why does he get to do all the fun stuff and you have to feel guilty about a $7 CD?

plus i do all the grocery shopping and all of that he doesnt like to. he does a good share of housework and i take care of kids unless i am at work. I do not worry about HIS relationship with the kids i worry about him telling people I am unwilling to watch them when i am at home just sitting. plus everytime i have refused or said i dont want to watch them for one night he treatens to not let me watch them period. he will just take them to sitter and then well i get to help pay for that too!
i think you should work to arrange a schedule. You watch these nights and he can watch the other nights. Then you don't have to play all these games and feel guilty about who is doing what.

AS for GAL i am excited to tell you I am taking my daughter to see fireworks tonight. I told him I would drop his oldest off at her moms (I am going to the town she lives in and we are really close). probably just watch them with her! I simply told him plans changed i would drop her off when i leave. he asked if i was taking my daughter i said yes did not figure you would watch her as you already have plans with OW. I did not tell him when i was leaving where i was going or what i was doing. He just knows I am dropping daughter off! Saturday I will take the girls to races and fireworks and he will be across the track with OW missing out on kids.
mostly good! My advice is to stop referring to OW. She isn't worth your time or your breath. Use as few words as you can!

Pursuing..so hard to stop. i understand why i shouldnt and see how its helpful just soooo hard! What do I do if he asks me to sit with him or he sits down with me and throws his legs over mine? so my goal for this week 7 days is to not text him unless he texts me, not ask him to spend time with me and stay on my side of the bed! sorry so long again. you will want to run soon im sure!
its ok to do things with him. Just don't initiate unless it's for finances or about the kids. But again, only accept his invitations maybe 1 in 3-5 times. Remember that you don't want to be his plan B! Just because isn't around OW doesn't mean he should get all of your attention and affection!


I see progress in your thoughts. Stay strong. Keep fighting for you and your kids.


At BD - Me: 33 Her: 33; M: 10 T: 15; D: 6 and 3

BD: 3/25/15
S: 4/20/15
D: 11/9/15
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Originally Posted By: 4mykid
Matt777 i forgot to mention. it seems so weird not telling him where i am going as he usually never asks what I am up to I usually just tell him! well for whatever reason today he asked what i was doing. I just said not sure yet. nothing more! I am also confused on doing what works. in the beginning we are always best friends inseperable talk all the time cuddle all the pursuing stuff. telling me how wonderful he is amazing ect. now i am supposed to pull away seems so weird. then i got hit with reality and everytime i have done just that not talked to him acted like i didnt care as soon as the other relationship ends he comes right back apologizing. I WANT it to be different this time. I want him to come back and WANT to work on the problems not just sweep them under the rug and try again. it always fails. so pulling back slowly or just do a 180? helpful hints due to us living together?


In my opinion, there is nothing you can really do to work on your relationship until the OW is out of the picture. Until he is ready for that step, you pull WAY back. Saying "I'm sorry" isn't good enough. You wouldn't be here if you were ok with being his girlfriend only 5 days a week.


At BD - Me: 33 Her: 33; M: 10 T: 15; D: 6 and 3

BD: 3/25/15
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rdy2chg Offline OP
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I think I can finally agree there is no point in working on a relationship he does not want. He has it easy. I will watch kids take care of house work ect. They can text all day laughing and hang out friday and saturdays. I swear its an easy way out thing. He can go out forget about responsibility and then come home. I do think I am going to pick one night a week that is for me! I will go out or just shut myself in my room. He can take care of everything that day. I need a break too! I did go 12 hours before I text him today and it was a good luck tonight you have a lot of people here supporting you. He was racing tonight. He did leave OW in pits at races and came over and watched fireworks with us. I was suprised. Asked if I needed help carrying anything and offered to take kids home I just told him no. I did ask for a hug today but we got busy loading everything for races and he never gave me. It hurt at first but then I remembered for the time being its whats best it will get easier in time. It seems so wrong to be distant but like other posts i have read if it feels wrong its probably the right thing to do! question though. I was taking a nap today he came in to wake me up laid down beside me and threw his leg over me how do i respond. just act casual like it doesnt affect me? what if he comes and sits with me or lays with me do I ask him to leave or just let him do it and just dont reciprocate? I am not sure I get that part. as he is usually the one that will ask/hint for me to sit with him or he will just come lay in bed beside me or pounce on top of me and cuddle up to me?


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Woke up to an extremely grouchy H. Not sure what I did but this rollercoaster is CRAZY! He goes from fine last night to complete opposite when he came home at 3AM and is still a grouch. He is the one that says he knows what he wants and it is the OW and not me. so if he is happy what is with the constant rollercoaster. I am going to lose my mind AND patients. I asked him to get up D4 this morning of course he was still asleep when it was time to go get her so I just left and got her and he called me i was a little short as i asked him to go and he didn't he hung up on me refuses to tell me why he is upset and I did pry this morning with several text messages and a phone call but I know it does not work so I will just let it go and let him be. I will go on with my day and forget about it. I do need help understanding why he is on the emotional rollercoaster????


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4mykid -

Here's a simple question.

Why do you want to cuddle with him when you know he's sleeping with another woman?


At BD - Me: 33 Her: 33; M: 10 T: 15; D: 6 and 3

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Truth- because it is something to hold over his head which is totally wrong. Plus I guess I felt like if I kept that and the SL it would mean he didnt care as much about her. I also looked at it like it was keeping OUR connection to each other if that makes sense. Like if he could still do those things he had to care about me too. but now the more I think about it it is his way of keeping me on the line I think. He always tells me he is sure he doesnt want to be with me but will say Probably not in the future too. Its like he can not give a definate. so i guess it helped me to hold on to hope. I am just not sure how to react to situations like that. if he initiates then what. do it and dont let my feelings get in the way? I also would like to tell you i feel bad/mean/spiteful but its 130 in the afternoon he has yet to get out of bed so i made the girls and I lunch. I would usually go wake him up and bother him until he came and ate with us. Today I just let him sleep. made lunch ate with the girls and laid them down for a nap. I left leftovers out for him when he gets up and now they will sleep until 3 or 4 and he is the one that lost out on time with them as it will be play for an hour or two baths and bed. I decided Im tired of babysitting him to. Why should I have to wake him up at 1 to eat a meal? If going out all weekend with OW makes him that tired and lazy why not let him be. I am not missing anything. I got up went and got her and spent time with them. I am sure he will be angry and make me feel bad. I am just going to say it seemed as though you were tired I thought I would let you catch up on sleep. NO blame no fight. It also makes me think he is keeping me here on the back burner and convience. he can have life here where we take care of things together and he can leave and go with her on the weekends and forget about everything else and have fun. My goals for this week are no pursuing meaning no initiating text messages, only pleasant general conversation, no asking to spend time together, no hugs, no ILY. If he initates a pleasant conversation I will participate, if he texts i will respond an hour later not right away unless has to do with kids. I will turn him down one time when he asks me to bring something to work or run an errand with him. As for GAL I will go out one time this week and do something for me. I am still working on detatching. I am very scared of this part. I need to read and reread the thread so I can understand what to do. I feel like detatching to me means not talking to him being cold. so read read read I will do today. thanks Matt777 for sticking with me! I need the help and hard questions asked so I can dig deep inside and find the true answers not the ones yoou give friends and family so you dont look bad! keep asking and making me think. and the great feed back is perfect. I am an advice junkie lol! thanks again


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well I was successful at not calling or texting him today. He did text me at Noon asked if i was having a good day. convo went like this
H:having a good day?
M:yes busy but good got a lot done u?
H:garbage lol (he was picking up garbage he works at a park)
m: in the rain frown need to know if you want me to get groceries or no it will have to come from savings?
H:all day so far lol
M I can look at ad and see what cost is lol r u wanting to grill still then or no? (for dinner)
H IDK lol what do you think
M: about dinner or groceries lol
H: grill for dinner? And what do you want to do for groceries
M:ill have to look at add let you know lol well I know you dont want to grill in rain but D7 has been asking so how about griddle inside. I really wanted potatoes and onion with it but i could just do that inside too unless you want something else?
H: (3 hours later) however

I tried to keep it simple pleasant and task oriented. dinner groceries how was your day! I sent a few (5 or less) texts on saturday night mainly good luck racing and to let him know kids and i made it home. but otherwise I have not text him since friday when he was short with me. I did not cuddle up to him last night in bed either. and we sat on opposite ends of the couch for a few hours last night. I did get him a bowl of ice cream when i got mine (i offered) and I did go out to garage and read a book and helped unload racing stuff. otherwise there was little communication yesterday. It actually was not as bad as i expected!


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It is raining her so no plans with the kids. they want to watch a movie so that may turn into the plan while he is out working in the garage! Needing some guidance on detatching!


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Originally Posted By: 4mykid
well I was successful at not calling or texting him today. He did text me at Noon asked if i was having a good day. convo went like this
H:having a good day?
An hour or so later
M:yes busy but good got a lot done
u?
H:garbage lol (he was picking up garbage he works at a park)
m: in the rain frown need to know if you want me to get groceries or no it will have to come from savings?
H:all day so far lol
M I can look at ad and see what cost is lol r u wanting to grill still then or no? (for dinner)
H IDK lol what do you think
M: about dinner or groceries lol
H: grill for dinner? And what do you want to do for groceries
M:ill have to look at add let you know lol well I know you dont want to grill in rain but D7 has been asking so how about griddle inside. I really wanted potatoes and onion with it but i could just do that inside too unless you want something else?
H: (3 hours later) however

I think it's not bad. But what if you had the conversation I marked in blue?
It isn't like he answered any of your questions about dinner anyway, right? You're going to make dinner anyway, right? You want HIM to be the one to want to keep the conversation going. Get him to pursue YOU.

Originally Posted By: 4mykid

I tried to keep it simple pleasant and task oriented. dinner groceries how was your day! I sent a few (5 or less) texts on saturday night mainly good luck racing and to let him know kids and i made it home. but otherwise I have not text him since friday when he was short with me. I did not cuddle up to him last night in bed either. and we sat on opposite ends of the couch for a few hours last night. I did get him a bowl of ice cream when i got mine (i offered) and I did go out to garage and read a book and helped unload racing stuff. otherwise there was little communication yesterday. It actually was not as bad as i expected!


Sounds like good baby steps. Continue to treat him like a friendly neighbor or a not-that-close friend.


At BD - Me: 33 Her: 33; M: 10 T: 15; D: 6 and 3

BD: 3/25/15
S: 4/20/15
D: 11/9/15
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