Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 7 of 11 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,119
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,119
You don't have to give up hope to detach. You give up letting everything she does or doesn't do (or seems to do or seems not to do) not get to you so much and not cause you to react toward her. You still care. You still have hope. But it is tempered by the reality that even if she decides to come back it will take lots of work and that your mutual decision to continue to stay M is the outcome of that process.

You're right that she has not taken steps to move this along. This may or may not mean anything, but at a minimum it means there is time, and that is your ally. That should give you hope even if she is not going slow because deep down she still thinks she might reconsider.

I'd also ask how much of your marriage were you having substance abuse issues? She may be giving you the time to see if the changes are for real. It will take a long time for her to trust that, and she is not going to give you hope if this is part of her agenda. Think about it as the scientist not wanting to interfere with the agenda because they want to know what the true results will be. You are doing well on this path, so just keep it up and focus on what you need to do. She will be more likely to respond positively if she sees you really focused on changing yourself for yourself rather suspecting by your attention on her of just doing it to win her back.

While you can't help marking dates and time in, they are totally arbitrary and unimportant. You don't know what it will take in terms of time for her to start changing her mind, so the dates really, really don't matter and will only make you frustrated if you dwell on them.

Just keep up the good work you have been doing.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,387
P
PigPen Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,387
Thanks as always for your wisdom As.

My W knew I had substance issues when we were dating. They got worse, got better, got worse, and throughout out M I "quit" numerous times for no longer than a month. I know that's a factor. She told me that she's seen me get clean before and it didn't stick. She also works at drug rehabs so knows the percentages working against me.

What's different about this time? I went to AA, I got a sponsor, I started working with an IC. I called my folks and told them I was in AA. I told my business partner, he and I would get high and have meetings... I told my clients, I told her parents, and am still working the program. What's really different is that I looked at what was beneath the problem, not just trying to find ways to manage it.

But you're right, she's seen 1,000 people get to the 6 month mark like I have and go back in headfirst.

She's also been hurt by it all and has said, it was never an issue of substance use, it was the issue of trust. I lied about how much I was using, and that everything was fine. I told her she was making things up when she wasn't. This is a multi headed monster.

I know that she also craved intimacy and that was completely missing on the level that she wanted it. I was the classic NMMMNG and thought that if she ever got closer to really knowing me she'd leave. Thus she was married to a ghost emotionally.

Time will tell. And I hear you on detaching. My goal for the week is do to all of the things I know that put my mind on my big picture goals. The ones that are going to lead me to have an amazing life whether she gets to be a part of it or not.


M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,902
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,902
Originally Posted By: PigPen
She also works at drug rehabs so knows the percentages working against me.

But you're right, she's seen 1,000 people get to the 6 month mark like I have and go back in headfirst.


That may work in your favor in the long run. Since your changing for you and not her, those changes will continue.

You say shes seen so many go back and backslide on those changes after the 6 month mark. That means she understands how difficult it can be. As time goes by and she continues to see those changes sticking they could prove to her how much effort you really are putting in to change yourself.

Detaching is difficult, but something you have to keep practicing and doing. Its separating yourself from the outcome of whats happening. You don't want to be too focused on only getting her back, but at the same time you don't want to stray to the other side and focus on not wanting her back at all. Avoid those actions that will push you too far either way and focus on your journey. Just keep moving forward and face what happens as it happens.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,387
P
PigPen Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,387
Thanks Fogg, I spoke with a counselor that works at the same rehab she does. He told me I'm doing everything right as far as getting and staying sober and that he has a ton of respect for how I've handled everything. Said he couldn't ask for anything more on my end. I'm hoping (detachedly) that this means she feels the same way. They talk, they work together, so she knows the work I've put into this if he does.

If there's an X-factor and she just wants to be with someone else - there's nothing I can do about that now. At least I know I've done everything in my power to build myself into the man that any woman would be happy to be with, let alone my W.


M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
PP,

Okay...the MC session is just around the corner. Yeah, no pressure, right? grin

If I may, can I ask that you please let us know how you plan to address W during the first session? My initial thought is to pull out a piece of paper where you've written/typed out your thoughts and read them outloud to W as your whole body faces her with some eye contact.

Last edited by Wonka; 07/06/15 08:45 PM.
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
PP

Those that relapse are abstaining not recovering. The stats on those recovering are as much as 60% clean after 5 years. The recovers accept and know this is a management issue and believe that is a life long journey. They work their steps and build their support structure, they know their triggers.

That's you.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 07/06/15 08:50 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,119
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,119
V makes a great point.

I'd also add if the subject comes up, that it is super important to validate her concern. "I understand fully why you can't trust at this point. I know that trust is something that will take time. I hope you will give me that time, but I'm going to do this for myself regardless."

You might also look over the chapter on healing from infidelity. While you weren't unfaithful, seeing things from this perspective may help you. You will need to be prepared to open yourself up to scrutiny like an unfaithful spouse. Full transparency. Making sure there is nothing that would even appear as you possibly hiding anything. If she seems open to giving you that time, tell her that you will want to do this as part of the process.

If it were just substance abuse, it would be helpful, but the lying about it and covering it up are similar to the obstacles that prevent healing from infidelity. Taking a page out of that game book might help in your sitch.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,387
P
PigPen Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,387
Originally Posted By: Wonka
PP,

Okay...the MC session is just around the corner. Yeah, no pressure, right? grin

If I may, can I ask that you please let us know how you plan to address W during the first session? My initial thought is to pull out a piece of paper where you've written/typed out your thoughts and read them outloud to W as your whole body faces her with some eye contact.


Hi Wonka, yep no pressure at all. I've been hitting the weight pile and the meditation mat with a passion so far today.

My plan is exactly as you stated minus the paper. I've been a public speaker for years and despise notes. I know what I want to say and don't want to look down at anything or have a reason to break eye contact.

My opener is a second or two of holding her eyes with mine to establish a connection, a deep breath and then with quiet strength validating first and foremost that I know how I've hurt her. Then going into how.

My counselor said this isn't a confession where I need to let her know every time I was out back with a joint but more about having her walk out thinking, "ok, he gets it. this isn't about his addictions, it's about how I felt being married to him while he had them."

V - you're right. I've got so many darn fail safes in place for my sobriety. From a sponsor, to an IC, to my friends and family, and speaking about it publicly. I have an online presence where I've talked about it so it's very real. Most importantly is myself. I've decided to live my life in a way that's congruent with the values I've had for years, nothing will change that.

Asitis - I read "After the Affair". I didn't have one, not even close. But in the relationship prior to ours, my wife moved to another country to be with a boyfriend, and found out two weeks later that he was cheating. That scarred her. One of her statements to me was always, "If you'll lie about getting high, you'll lie about everything else too."

I also view my addiction similar to an affair, it was often secretive, there for me when I was mad at her or upset with her, and didn't make me deal with what was happening in real time. If she went out of town I was relieved that I could just drink and smoke with impunity. I've read enough of the threads on this site to see the parallels.


M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
Hi PigPen!

I just wanted to stop by and encourage you about your upcoming meeting. I feel you will do great.

Keep moving forward. Wishing you all the best!

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 190
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 190
Just checking in, reading your post. Your ready for this meeting.

Comparing your addiction to an affair is a powerful analogy.


Me44 H47
M22 T28
D23 S17

Page 7 of 11 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard