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Cali,

Even as I read your most recent post, I can feel your impatience seeping through it. Instagram with OM notwithstanding, I get the vibe of "let's just get on with a real M...what are you waiting for?" with your foot tapping on the floor.

In recalling my post-MLC life emotional-wise, I surmise that it took me approximately TWO years to re-integrate all of my "loose parts" like a wrecked 3-CPO. I believe it took Raine's H about 1.5 to reintegrate himself completely.

Mrs. Cali is light years ahead of many former MLCers in that she's attended Retrouaville and is actively engaged in many convos with you about the A along with forging a new M with you. I mean....it has only been, what, about 2 to 3 months into this piecing process.

Patience, my dear.

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Originally Posted By: Wonka
Cali,

Even as I read your most recent post, I can feel your impatience seeping through it. Instagram with OM notwithstanding, I get the vibe of "let's just get on with a real M...what are you waiting for?" with your foot tapping on the floor.

In recalling my post-MLC life emotional-wise, I surmise that it took me approximately TWO years to re-integrate all of my "loose parts" like a wrecked 3-CPO. I believe it took Raine's H about 1.5 to reintegrate himself completely.

Mrs. Cali is light years ahead of many former MLCers in that she's attended Retrouaville and is actively engaged in many convos with you about the A along with forging a new M with you. I mean....it has only been, what, about 2 to 3 months into this piecing process.

Patience, my dear.



WOnka .... totally agree .. and yes, the patience thing is an issue with me, one I know can easily wreck all this. Admittedly ...the OM Instagram thing was a blow .... on the surface I STFU and heard her out ... not buying all of it but knowing there is nothing I can do either, and in a way I am checked out a bit .. maybe I needed that whiff of MLC to detach again.

I realized this weekend .. just as you all have said I have to just sit and be patient. As job put it very well ... I seen a glimpse and for whatever reason want to start fixing all this ad try to move on and fix the M, its just not like that, it will take time .. alot of time, if this is what I want, so I struggle between trying to be patient ( One of my strongest suits as you all have pointed out ... ok I laughed) and being faced with the question .. can this work, is this what I want .. more importantly can I have my needs met with W 2.0 ... all unanswered questions and do I have it in me to wait years to have these answers.

I think Jack called me out long ago .. saying he thought W would come out with the things that she shared with me during crisis but it would come down to my patience with her ... dude must have the crystal ball .. I think that was only a few months after I was here.


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Yeah, somebody once said Jack has crystal balls. I think they said crystal anyway wink


Quote:
I realized this weekend .. just as you all have said I have to just sit and be patient. As job put it very well ... I seen a glimpse and for whatever reason want to start fixing all this ad try to move on and fix the M, its just not like that, it will take time .. alot of time, if this is what I want, so I struggle between trying to be patient ( One of my strongest suits as you all have pointed out ... ok I laughed) and being faced with the question .. can this work, is this what I want .. more importantly can I have my needs met with W 2.0 ... all unanswered questions and do I have it in me to wait years to have these answers.
For what it's worth, I do think this is a fairly normal trajectory of things for you two. I think Jack was right, you're the one that needs the patience for this to work.

This is really a good test of YOU and your ability to be different than the person who "fixed" things in the past. There's a balance to be sure, but not to go back to how it was. I see glimpses in the exchanges you post that indicate she is "testing" you or is still working on the old patterns. Either way, this is the crucible that helps you to solidify the new you even more than you have.

This really is the hardest part, Cali. To be you, to be patient, to be present and work through the hurt. But from the outside, where I am, it seems to me you need this experience. I don't know what for yet, but you do seem to need it. And I for one think you're doing quite well at it.

It would have been a lie if you hadn't reacted the way you did. You can't just sweep it under the rug and you did not make it a huge deal. That's a far cry from the previous version of you.

And she's reacting quite well to the new you.

But as mentioned, there's a long way to go before the grass is greener. She's still baking and it could take a lot longer than you hope for.

But be honest - there's a lot of progress to date. From both of you. Be grateful for the chances and the experiences and see what's next. I think you'll be glad you did smile

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
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Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
I think Jack called me out long ago .. saying he thought W would come out with the things that she shared with me during crisis but it would come down to my patience with her ... dude must have the crystal ball

Yea - he has read the script once or twice.

Let me just also say that no matter what happens right now - don't forget that she is still in the crisis.
Don't forget everything you have learned and trained for up until now.
Just because the pendulum swings one way or the other.

I hope that makes sense!


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AJ ... ok I laughed at the Ball crack ... lol

YEah .. this patient thing is my krypto I swear. I think I am going to hit up the book store this week and find a self-help book on the topic ... heck I have read more "Whats wrong with me and how to fix it" books this year than I have in my entire life. What is another one on the shelf?

Cadet ... yeah .. spot on and I have had the DB tool box on alert for some time, I have mentioned I have even used the principles at work & with S and they have been effective... MWD might be sitting on a gold mine here laugh


So last night was interesting. W was fairly quiet all day, and I was good with that honestly. I picked up S and was headed home and called W thinking I could swing by and grab the dog, as it was my night with S (The schedule is cloudy as I have been over at her place frequently.) She did not pick up, but TM saying she was on the other line with her recruiter and called me back about 10 min after. I told her we just got home and was only calling to pick up the dog .... seemed to catch her offguard as the assumed I was coming over ... like it was 'home'. Asked if I was keeping S and I said yes, she went on to tell me she had resume stuff to do and it was ok to leave the dog there.

I started dinner for S and I, Sriracha burgers and tater-tots ... also tossed a pot roast in the crock for my lunches. W TM asking if we were going to do our 'homework' I TM her back that I would be available after dinner, asked when a good time would be, she said anytime. S and I ate, I took a shower and went over to her place .... not sure if I have mentioned after I have moved we live about 5 min apart.

I arrive and have S jump in the shower at her place, W and I start talking, she telling me about her day, new job opportunities and I just STFU and listen, but feeling detached. She asks is anything was going on and I assured her all was good ... and we should get ot our hmwk before S got out of the shower. So we did our thing, I see how the system is set up, the questions are trivial and its about expressing feelings and understanding the others feelings without conflict. We finish up and begin to talk. I shared a bit of my frustration with Saturdays events, and suprisingly she sipped on a STFU smoothie, never seen her do that. After she looked at me and told me she sees the pain I am in, she knows why, she shared she wants toe old fun Cali back. We talked about that, about what I need to get there, telling her thats a side of me that has not died but I have to feel close, with time I believed it would come back. Was a good talk, we both understood how things happened and the factors that lead up to it.

Then she started sharing a few things I found interesting. She told me not to get upset, but wanted me to know... That it took the A for her to realize that the things she did to me, she did to OM, and realized it was not me as she always thought, as she always blamed for several things but infact was her ... it took the A for her to realize her faults, problems and issues. Since then she shared she has been doing alot of soul searching and going back to her childhood to address these issues. She described it as peeling back layers of an onion. Later in the evening she shared that she knows she has to fix herself and was hopeful that would help fix our M. I STFU and validated here and there ... thinking ... wow .. where have I heard all this before ...lol.

She asked me to stay the night, after that share session I felt comfortable doing so (I was going to just do Hmwk and go home) So I walked the dog .. grabbed the mail and came back in. Her PT who is helping her with her neck issue, also helping her with 'peeling back the layers' suggested a book after W had shared we had started reading SSM together last week(I was reading it and she wanted to read it with me) I looked into it and had the book shipped to W's place and it was in the mail. W had said that her PT told W it was a very positive thing that I took the initiative and ordered the book, which W sincerely thanked me for ... looking at this .. I did not think much of it but it is a 180 from Cali 1.0.
So in bed we read a bit of it together, W seems very excited about this book, I think due to PT's recommendation, seems the IC with her is working well and she is starting to rediscover herself a bit.

So goal for myself... I must be patient and allow things to just progress as the will, you can not rush a plant to grow, nor force it to bloom.


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^^ Forgot one little tidbit.

So ... in the hmwk we do .. its basically a letter you write to your spouse, in it one of my assignments is I talk about a trait W does and how I feel about it. For as long as I can recall, when we hug .. and I mean really hug. She has this cute way of putting her feet on top of mine, when we were young she would tell me her feet are so pretty she was doing me a favor and hiding my caveman feet from the world ... was always 'our' thing. So I wrote about that as she had done it that morning and has been doing it more often as of late.

During this entire crisis ... just a handful of times she would do this. Call me nuts ... but if anything it was that little thing, that action that made me feel the girl I knew and loved was deep down in there some where and this was her way of saying 'hi, don't give up on me'.

During our heart to heart .. she brought this section up (I just mentioned the toe thing and how it was 'ours' and I found it endearing), I shared with her that in the past 2 years ... when she did that it was one of the things that stopped me from dropping it all, I felt that she was trying to tell me something even though she was lost, she smiled and told me "Yeah it was excactly like that, I remember doing those things wanting to tell you so many things but not able to look at you ashamed of what I've done, and in a way that was me telling you I Loved you"


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Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
^^ Forgot one little tidbit.

So ... in the hmwk we do .. its basically a letter you write to your spouse, in it one of my assignments is I talk about a trait W does and how I feel about it. For as long as I can recall, when we hug .. and I mean really hug. She has this cute way of putting her feet on top of mine, when we were young she would tell me her feet are so pretty she was doing me a favor and hiding my caveman feet from the world ... was always 'our' thing. So I wrote about that as she had done it that morning and has been doing it more often as of late.

During this entire crisis ... just a handful of times she would do this. Call me nuts ... but if anything it was that little thing, that action that made me feel the girl I knew and loved was deep down in there some where and this was her way of saying 'hi, don't give up on me'.

During our heart to heart .. she brought this section up (I just mentioned the toe thing and how it was 'ours' and I found it endearing), I shared with her that in the past 2 years ... when she did that it was one of the things that stopped me from dropping it all, I felt that she was trying to tell me something even though she was lost, she smiled and told me "Yeah it was excactly like that, I remember doing those things wanting to tell you so many things but not able to look at you ashamed of what I've done, and in a way that was me telling you I Loved you"


Love, LOVE this part!!!! Made me smile real big here. laugh

Yeah, just continue being the Lighthouse for Mrs. Cali. You're doing a really good job right there.

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That's awesome. Something so small but has such meaning.


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Aw Cali...I love these conversations you both are having. Big smile here smile


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Quote:
YEah .. this patient thing is my krypto I swear. I think I am going to hit up the book store this week and find a self-help book on the topic ... heck I have read more "Whats wrong with me and how to fix it" books this year than I have in my entire life. What is another one on the shelf?
Book? Seems you are getting this via OJT (on the job training). Heck, you might be able to write a book about it before long wink

The foot thing is a nice thing to hear, Cali. Very nice to hear that you two are getting to share some personal things.

Seems she is following your lead with the STFU smoothies. Funny that, no? Wonder what else, like..I don't know, patience, she might follow too.... wink

Peace,
AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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