I wish I found this site, and book a couple years ago...
The BD was in May 2013, and it was clear that the EA was in full swing with OM. We went to MC and had some success that was followed by a "weekend getaway". We never fully recovered, and the EA started back up, and by June 2014 the BD again. We ended up at Retrouvaille, and things seemed to be improving, however, after less than a month the EA was happening again. It has been a long couple of years. I started reading the book a month ago, and a few weeks ago I really got to the point that we had a fight, and I pushed saying, "make a choice, because I am done being cake..." She seems decided to move forward with a D. I am focused on continuing to DB, and try to minimize the impact on my children.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
It is amazing that you have made it this long. From what I understand about EA's they shut down for a while and all it takes is one message and they are in full swing again. Sounds like this is what is happening with your wife. My wife has been having an EA for 3 months and has filed for D. She tried to shut it down on a couple of occasions for a week and then it fired right back up. I know it is hard to see her having and EA. Has she been exposed to her family and friends? Is it a long distance EA. Do you know that it has not become a PA?
Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs EA: Started 3/2015 MC Started: 4/2015 She moved out and served 6/2015 PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015 2 young kids
"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
I should have given some more background... We were high school sweathearts that got married while still in college. We have 3 kids S14, S11, and D6. We have been married almost 17 years.
She has been exposed fully in the last week to her family etc... It is not a long distance relationship, and based on all the information I have it has not become a PA. I thought after all this time that the OM would have moved on...
I think part of the reason he has not moved on is because it has not been exposed. Part of the thrill is keeping it a secret. They get an adrenaline rush from it. Now that she is exposed she will probably move a little closer to him at first. This is because she thinks he is the one that really understands her.
I exposed my wife and she just took it underground more--Bought a burner phone, created secret Skype and gmail accounts. Once I exposed her the second time she filed for divorce 2 days later. Her family told her to just divorce me if she was not going to stop the affair. They told her she was just hurting everyone. Of course, this is typical family behavior and is not what she should be doing considering we have two little kids.
I sent messages to his sisters and mother telling them of the affair. I feel like it all needs to be exposed before things can move on. Now I am going to start the detaching and GAL.
Is the OM Married? Do his friends and family know?
Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs EA: Started 3/2015 MC Started: 4/2015 She moved out and served 6/2015 PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015 2 young kids
"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
The OM is divorced, and like many good EA's it started when he was going through his D. The ironic thing is that he was the "victim" of a PA in his marriage that led in part to his D. She teaches at a small religious school, and we live in a small town. The "fantasy" is going to unravel... I am really working on detaching, exercising, focusing on the kids and the big goal for today is to avoid logging into Facebook whatsoever.
The OM is divorced, and like many good EA's it started when he was going through his D. The ironic thing is that he was the "victim" of a PA in his marriage that led in part to his D. She teaches at a small religious school, and we live in a small town. The "fantasy" is going to unravel... I am really working on detaching, exercising, focusing on the kids and the big goal for today is to avoid logging into Facebook whatsoever.
She's most likely violating the code of conduct required for her job. I'm not advocating church discipline here on DB but wonder if it's a consideration or in process. She shouldn't be allowed to continue teaching at a religious institution while remaining defiant to it's likely foundational principles. Even if you didn't want to do it at some point the children need protection from her.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
I have thought about that, but not something I want to pursue at this point. It would be a catalyst to her waking up and realizing the true impact of her actions.
I have thought about that, but not something I want to pursue at this point. It would be a catalyst to her waking up and realizing the true impact of her actions.
Good idea not to pursue that potential issue. It will make you look manipulative.
What were the issues in your marriage? You have been dealing with this situation for a long time. What have you changed to become a better husband?
Look, the affair(s) is the symptom of the problem(s). Many of us become complacent, which leaves our relationships vulnerable. That's why it is so important to address the issues within yourself, no matter the outcome of your sitch.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
