Hey Claire! Just saying hi, I didn't realize you'd moved over here. The texts with your H and the events at work are such a positive reflection of you. Good job. I get the impression you are settling in to a new Claire. And she is fabulous!
RAI and SunnyB -- thanks for your kind words and support. They mean a lot.
I was thinking the other day that if he wanted to work on the relationship now, it would be much harder for me to agree to that. I don't know that I'd be willing to do that anymore. Last night I was trying to think of positives in our M, and it was really tough. And yet it was easy for me to think of times when I felt disrespected or dismissed or simply not cherished. I don't know how he really felt-- I have a drawer filled with cards that have plenty of loving words on them, but his actions didn't back that up. And even now, he'll say one thing, but his actions don't always back that up.
I may post later about some recent co-parenting things that have come up that I'm hoping I handled ok...
I'm certainly still a work in progress but grateful for the support I've gotten here because it has helped me get to where I am!
Co-parenting. Hoo boy. Let's just say it's not all sunshine and unicorns in my hood. Stbx has been on vacation with D4 since wed night. (I dropped her off at his place on wed at 5 pm).
Get a text today:
[I am meeting babysitter at your place at 8 am (to drop off D4 before camp). D4 has been asking if you will be there. Might be nice to spend that time with her, but of course, your call.]
Trying not to hear anything nasty in this, but wow. Thanks for the suggestion to spend more time with my daughter! @$$.
Claire, I didn't hear anything nasty there. Daughter has been asking for you, H is letting you know. The end. 😊 that's the way I saw it.
I think you are well on your way to detaching, your future issues are going to fall around parenting. And I'll bet that settles down after a while, as you both get used to it and let your walls down.
I just drafted and deleted a whole post explaining a but more of our interactions, but I deleted it. It sounded whiny, like I was just looking for someone to say, "You're right, he is a jerk."
But I realized that I don't really need to vent. If it makes him feel good to tell me how to be a good mom, well that is HIS sh!t. I am an amazing mom. I'm glad he is around as much as he is, but his opinion of matters not.at.all.
I'm no longer trying to save my M, so I don't have to overthink and plan every interaction. I'm not going to be nasty or spiteful, I am just going to be me-- the best, most authentic me I can be-- and not worry whether he finds me attractive or not. I'm not trying to win him back. He is not worthy of me.
It's so freeing to finally feel that way. Sad, but freeing.
For a long time I couldn't even imagine getting to this point. But now that I'm here, it's feels good.
So a brief update: I got confirmation today that stbx is dating the coworker who is 10 years younger than him (and me), and with whom he's had an inappropriately close friendship for years. Every time I expressed discomfort with their friendship, he acted offended, got defensive, "she has a boyfriend, for crying out loud, Claire!" That kind of thing. (That's what the kids call "gaslighting", no?)
Anyway, I feel strangely at ease. I mean, at least I'm not as crazy as he made me out to be. My gut instincts were right. And, what chance did our marriage have when his heart and mind were with someone else and I was in the throes of a mental health crisis, home with a baby. Of course someone 10 years younger with no responsibilities would seem more attractive.
Kind of icky on both their parts, if you ask me. I wonder when he first realized he had feelings for her... was it when he asked me to marry him? While we planned our wedding? When I was pregnant? Or when I was suffering from PPD and out of my mind?
He's bailed on the last two weekday morning visits with his D, most likely because he's spending time with OW. (I have some evidence to support that). He is very content to be a part-time dad. And he's living in la-la land with OW.
Whatever. I'm trying to find some compassion, but right now I feel a LOT of anger. The realization that he basically left me a LONG long time ago makes it hard to feel anything but disgust for both of them. Gross.
I am ranting like a child right now, but just need to get this out of my system. I continue to hold my head up high. And while I want to call him out, or embarrass him publicly, that is not in line with my values. He has to live with himself. And she has to live with him. And so perhaps, if I look at it that way, I am doing pretty ok.
Oh, and I turned 40 this week. Happy birthday to me! Had a fun time with several fun mini-celebrations. Had some sad moments-- stbx and I met exactly 10 years ago, right before I turned 30. Sigh. Thanks for listening.
Happy Birthday Claire! I do hope you treated yourself nicely. I have yet to celebrate a birthday without STBX, even last year we did a family dinner at a nice restaurant.
Sometimes even now I have a few heartburn moments, had one last night as a matter of fact. But I took some space for myself and texted a couple of friends. And then I remembered how I do not want to go back to the life I had with STBX. And I move forward. That's all any of us can do Claire. You seems to be doing quite well these days, pat yourself on the back for me.
Some days i feel so strong and capable... and some days I freak out about my budget, and I get so angry and resentful for being placed in this situation. I think about what I really want to say to him... and then realize, of course, that there is nothing to say.
This is happening, and there are STILL some days where I can't believe it; where it still feels like a bad dream that I will someday wake up from. And then I'll be in some situation where I'm surrounded by intact families who are all dealing with stuff but are sticking by each other and staying committed, and I think, "i want that so much." Or I'll read or see something and STILL think that he is the person I'd most want to share it with.
