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Thanks Lou and Toots.

I'm still getting over the loss of my little rat. I miss her so much. Yesterday, was a little rough because it was the first day back to work after my weekend and since she died. Usually when I would get home from work, her cage would be my first stop after getting home just to check on her and tell her good morning. Now, her cage is empty. I still have her cage because I haven't decided if I want to get anymore or not. I really want to, but it makes me so sad when they get old or sick. I'm going to think about it for a few days. I really want to get a small dog because they live longer, but I don't have the room for one right now. I kind of want to wait until I get my own place and I have no idea when that will be.

I took her to get cremated and should have her remains back next week. I'll put them on my nightstand next to her sister.

I started training this week for a promotion. They want to make me a team leader and troubleshooter. Of course when that happens, that will come with another raise. I've already had two raises and have only been here 11 months. I really like this company a lot. It is a major satellite tv company and they treat me really well.

I'm starting to have slight feelings for my friend here at work, but I don't think she feels the same. We still have amazing conversations and she goes out of her way to talk to me. Others have noticed it too. She's really cool.

I had a very interesting conversation with S20 the other night. He initiated it. He really opened up about a few things. He told me that XW rarely contacts him and his brothers nowadays. Just a few months ago, she would contact them everyday. Yesterday marks 2 years since she married OM. It didn't even bother me though. He also told me that he feels sorry for her and he thinks that she doesn't even care about S22's band. He thinks she just goes to his shows so she doesn't look bad. He seems to be starting to realize a few things.

It is supposed to be 110 here in Phoenix this week. I plan on hitting the pool this weekend.

I am doing better as far as XW. I think I'm doing A LOT better. I still think about her, but it really doesn't hurt when I do. Maybe I'm becoming indifferent.

I'm a little better as far as my rattie goes, but I sure do miss the little girl. I spent so much time with her. I actually think she waited on me to get her out of her cage before she died. She died while sitting on my chest and turned to look at me when she passed. The funny thing is, a few minutes after she passed, I stepped outside to cry a little and have a cigarette. I was standing on my porch when a bird landed on the grass about 5-6 feet in front of me. It looked right at me and started chirping really loud and spreading and flapping it's wings like it was trying to tell me something for about 30 seconds or so and then it just flew away. It was almost like it was telling me she was ok. Not sure if I believe that, but it was odd and I'll never forget it.

Anyways, just wanted to update.


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
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Journaling:

Nothing really going on with me. I'm switching hours in a couple of weeks. Instead of working 10pm-8am, I'll be working 2pm-midnight. I think I'll like the change.

Yesterday, S24 says to me: "I got a strange text from mother earlier." I asked him what it said and he says: "I know you don't like these texts, but I just wanted to say I love you." I asked why she would think that he didn't like the texts and he said he didn't know. He then tells me that he thinks that maybe she is starting to realize a few things. I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not. Either way, it doesn't affect me.

I'm torn. I'm seriously thinking about getting a couple more baby girl rats. I'm going to think about it for a few days...

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
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Posts: 7,319
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Tad,

I am a bit concerned for you if you DO decide to get baby ratties. The reason is that it will just keep you emotionally and physically stuck in your apartment without getting out to meet new people/experiences.

I'd strongly suggest that you hit the pause button on getting any more ratties. I have hit my own pause button in getting new puppies/dogs because I wanted unlimited freedom to grab life by the horns unencumbered by responsibilities in caring for the puppy/dog.

Down the road I still plan on getting a puppy/dog. Right now, I love sampling what life has to offer me.

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Thanks Wonka. I will give it a lot of thought. Some people say I should and others say I shouldn't.

I had one of the best Fathers Days I've had in a long time. S24 had to work, but the other three took me bowling and out to lunch. Haven't had a good one since XW joined the circus.

It was fun and nice to get out of the house for a while.

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,249
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So glad to hear it, Tad. Best news I've heard all night! Keep momentum!

Happy Father's Day!

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Tad,
I'm so glad your sons took you out for the day. I hope that you and your sons can do this again very soon. You need to be out and about and enjoying what life has to offer. This was a step in the right direction!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Tad,

I'm glad to hear that things turned out well on Father's Day.

I agree with wonka that I don't think you should get another rat for the time being. To be honest, they are a crutch for you and hinders your interactions with others. To you, they represent something that you can control. You know what to do, where they are, how long they'll live, etc. And that's a poor substitute with human interaction.

You're still concentrating on your friend at work who has already told you she is not interested. It's time to move on from her. Start going out and socializing. Go out with your other co-workers or peers. Start getting a life.

I hope you're still seeing a C. Now is when I think is the most critical time for it.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Thanks everyone. I just wanted to journal a bit, but first, MrBond:

Quote:
I agree with wonka that I don't think you should get another rat for the time being. To be honest, they are a crutch for you and hinders your interactions with others. To you, they represent something that you can control. You know what to do, where they are, how long they'll live, etc.


Very true sir. They also represent something that will love me unconditionally and won't hurt me. I sure do miss the little girls though. As of right now, I don't plan on getting any more. But then again, I can't make up my mind about anything these days. I'll walk into a convenience store to get something to drink and spend an eternity trying to figure out what I want. Even my boys have noticed. Someone told me recently that I may have a slight case of PTSD. I'm very emotional when I see something sad and am very indecisive. On the other hand, there are some things that I'm just completely numb about.

I'll agree with what you said about my friend at work. I'm ok with being just friends with her. We still have some great conversations and she has been sharing a lot more with me. She has also been hurt very bad in the past.

Counselor? I saw one off and on a while back. I just don't feel comfortable. I may try going back again.

Journaling:

I'm doing much better as far as XW is concerned. Things still bother me from time to time, but I'm doing so much better. I've seen her a few times lately at S22's shows, but that's it. She acts like she wants to say hello (although she hasn't) and I can pretty much care less. I really don't care if we ever talk again. Maybe that is wrong of me? I don't know.

I'm doing better as far as my little ratties are concerned. I sure do miss them though and think of them everyday. I can't put into words what I felt for them. They were my babies. I have them both tattooed on my arm and have their remains on my nightstand. I know. Ridiculous right? Five years ago, I would have never believed it if somebody would have told me that I would be that way towards two little rats. But....I've changed. I've changed a lot towards animals AND people. Example: last night while getting out of my car at work, I stumbled across a smashed bug. I think it was a cockroach. What did I do? I felt bad for it. Yeah, a bug.

In early June, I got a new pair of glasses because my eyes have been really bothering me. Well, last week I went back and had them checked again. It turns out that I need another pair. I should get the new prescription next week. The doctor seems to think it could be because I work in the dark.

I feel so old. And look old too. I kind of had a weird conversation with S22 the other day. We were out to dinner. When the bill came, I was getting out my debit card and figuring out the tip. I must have been fumbling or taking too long because he says:

S22: "Look at you." (Giggling a little, but I could tell he was serious.)

Me: "What?"

S22: "You're falling apart."

Me: "What do you mean?"

S22: "You're falling apart. You're a mess. You seem so much older than what you are."

Me: "I know. I feel like I've aged 10 or 15 years just in the last five."

S22: "It's bad though. Just in the last year it's gotten really bad."

Me: "I know."

S22: "It's kind of depressing."

So, I guess I'm not the only one that has noticed.

My big thing that I've been REALLY struggling with lately is getting out of the house. I have no problem going out with my boys, but can't seem to do anything with myself or for myself. Since this all started, I've had a hard time getting out and doing things, but just in the last month or so, around the time when my rattie got really feeble, it has been really bad. When I start my work week, I tell myself "I'm going to do something this weekend." Then, the turmoil starts. I fight with myself. As it gets closer to my weekend, it gets worse. I'm getting to the point where I don't even care what it is....I just need to do something. It is almost a desperate need to get out, but I come up with excuses not to. Then when the weekend is over, and I haven't done anything, I'm almost disappointed and even p!ssed with myself for not doing anything. Then, I go back to work and the week-long fight starts all over again. Last weekend, I thought of seven different things that I could do. I then came up with seven excuses not to do anything. I think if I could just get out one time....just ONCE, it would be so good for me. I would like to meet people and maybe even a lady, but I'm scared. I have no confidence at all and I'm scared. I guess I'll keep trying. I'm going to try again this weekend. Wish me luck.....

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Hi Tad, I'm a good one for - shall I do this, or that - oh, but then there's this factor and that factor, and Oh I'm not sure. And I get so indecisive I end up doing nothing.

I have decided that sometimes you just have to decide - okay, I don't really feel like it but I'll do this. And go do it. Life doesn't come knocking on your door, you need to go knocking on life's door I've realised...

Maybe just start off with something of shortish duration and low key that feels manageable and take it from there. Success breeds a little more confidence and so on...

Are there things you have previously enjoyed that you haven't done lately??


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Tad,

You might want to check out this book by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, Excuses Begone! through either Hay House or at Barnes Noble bookstore. This book will help you with your mental blockages.


Last edited by Wonka; 07/06/15 07:42 PM.
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