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Any advice on how to proceed? I am optimistic but cautious. He is no longer so mad about what he read... but that doesn't mean he wants to work on the marriage. He has been kind & more his normal self but so far it is like we are friends/roommates w/ no affection/intimacy. So my thoughts are to continue with the plan until he brings up the topic of wanting to work on the relationship. At this point all he has said is he is not so mad anymore. Am I right in letting him approach this topic?


T: 14 M: 12
D: 9 S: 6
BD: 2/18/15 (H affair)
Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15
Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15
H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15
H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,647
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Hope -
Stick with what's working! No reason to change course now.


At BD - Me: 33 Her: 33; M: 10 T: 15; D: 6 and 3

BD: 3/25/15
S: 4/20/15
D: 11/9/15
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hopeOK Offline OP
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It is so hard to be patient!


T: 14 M: 12
D: 9 S: 6
BD: 2/18/15 (H affair)
Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15
Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15
H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15
H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,647
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So hard. But take however long you think this may take and multiply it by 4. That's probably the low end. Stay strong and PATIENCE.


At BD - Me: 33 Her: 33; M: 10 T: 15; D: 6 and 3

BD: 3/25/15
S: 4/20/15
D: 11/9/15
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 230
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Originally Posted By: Matt777
So hard. But take however long you think this may take and multiply it by 4. That's probably the low end. Stay strong and PATIENCE.


Thank you, I appreciate the encouragement.



I guess I kind of thought that once he was no longer so mad at me, that everything else would just kind of fall into place... but so far it hasn't. I am very thankful that we are not in such a bad place anymore where I am waiting for him to do something/ say something out of anger. It is far less stressful now than it had been. And I am much less afraid of divorce at this point.

However, we are living day to day on a friendly basis... nothing more. In my mind, I thought he would not be so angry & then soon after that he would maybe approach me for intimacy & I would then say something like, "well, are we still separated or are we working on our marriage?" (He had messaged a friend right after he became so angry with me a message that said- "we are basically separated but living together") But so far nothing of this sort.

So this leads me to question- is the w/ the OW? Is that why he is content to just keep our life going on a friendly basis b/c he is getting his romantic needs met through her? This is my biggest fear. If not for this, I think he would eventually come around & I would find it easier to be patient.

So my big question... when setting the small goals, in the book it says to talk with your partner about them, if you are in a place to. Well I definitely was not in a place to talk to him about them b/c he was hating me and so angry. So I proceeded to work on DB w/o him knowing the plans. Now that he is no longer so angry at me, do I share my goals at some point or do I continue on w/ him not knowing what I want to have happen? I do not want to pursue and push him away... but also want to talk to him about where we stand & what he wants. Ugh. So difficult to figure out the right thing to do.


T: 14 M: 12
D: 9 S: 6
BD: 2/18/15 (H affair)
Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15
Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15
H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15
H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 230
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hopeOK Offline OP
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Anyone?

So my big question... when setting the small goals, in the book it says to talk with your partner about them, if you are in a place to. Well I definitely was not in a place to talk to him about them b/c he was hating me and so angry. So I proceeded to work on DB w/o him knowing the plans. Now that he is no longer so angry at me, do I share my goals at some point or do I continue on w/ him not knowing what I want to have happen? I do not want to pursue and push him away... but also want to talk to him about where we stand & what he wants. Ugh. So difficult to figure out the right thing to do.


T: 14 M: 12
D: 9 S: 6
BD: 2/18/15 (H affair)
Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15
Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15
H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15
H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
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Posts: 13,533
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I would try to find a safe person to talk to, your spouse is probably not that person at this time point in time.


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hopeOK Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Cadet
I would try to find a safe person to talk to, your spouse is probably not that person at this time point in time.


Ok. So is there a sign or a way to know when it is time to talk to them? I really want to just say- now you are not so angry at me, what is going on in your head? And are you talking to the OW again?

But I don't want to push him further away either. But it seems like he has gone slowly down hill w/ his mood towards me since telling me he was no longer so angry... So I wprryy distance is making him think I not wanting to work on the relationship.


T: 14 M: 12
D: 9 S: 6
BD: 2/18/15 (H affair)
Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15
Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15
H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15
H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 230
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hopeOK Offline OP
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Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 230
Ugh. I messed up my plan. This morning I clued in to him not wearing his wedding ring anymore. I tried to breath and resist asking about it. But in the end, I asked. He said he took it off when he was so angry with me. I asked if he was still so angry with me and he said yes. I said, "you told me last week you were starting to not be so angry." he said, "no, I said I was trying to not be so angry." I said, "no, you definitely said you were starting to not be so angry." so then we went through stuff that was overall probably unhelpful but I tried to not say anything terribly detrimental. But he ended up being really mad anyway. He is just so up and down. He seems happy some times (like at the beginning of the weekend) & then has just slowly gotten moodier. He thinks that all through the counseling that I was faking it... because how else could I say what I said and make fun of him if I had really changed in counseling. Ugh. We have gotten no where. Maybe worse off now that he decided not to wear his wedding ring anymore.


T: 14 M: 12
D: 9 S: 6
BD: 2/18/15 (H affair)
Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15
Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15
H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15
H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,922
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Hi Hope,

I'm sorry you find yourself here. You are in the best place for a terrible sitch. I want to be very clear that I am no expert, however, a couple of things about your scenario jump out to me.

Did I read correctly that your h has a history of cheating in his prior Rs and that he has a few failed Ms? I don't mean to sound harsh, however he sounds like a serial cheater. Granted, you can only control you and I certainly understand you want to save your M.

He's mad. Okay. He stopped wearing his ring because in his mind he isn't M anymore. Stop asking him questions and focus on you. Trust me, he knows you want to work on the R so please don't think for a minute that if you GAL and work on what you need to work on that he will think you are not wanting to salvage the R. As soon as you take the focus off of his every word and action, you will feel sooooo much better.

He's not ready to talk to you and I don't think sharing goals with him at this point would produce the results you want. It's time to start from scratch and realize the old R is dead. Put a fork in it. That doesn't mean you can't build a new one, although perhaps now is the time to truly evaluate what you want and need in a R.

Your sitch is very new so I realize this is all very overwhelming. There are no quick fixes and he will try to bait you. What would you like to change for you? Not for him. What changes do you feel you need to make to make you the best Hope possible? Maybe you R and maybe you don't. No one knows. However, if you want to maintain your sanity, get off the hamster wheel.

Oh, and from experience I can tell you to avoid unnecessary drama on SM (FB, Twitter, Snapchat). Don't. go. there. Analyzing who is friends with who and liking photos will lead you to question the trajectory of our culture as whole, so I wouldn't waste my time. However, again, your h isn't here and you are. It just sounds like projection when he is referencing OM when he is the one who is/was cheating.

Hopefully, others will pop by with sound advice. Hang in there..it gets much better:)


Last edited by Georgiabelle; 07/06/15 01:21 PM.


3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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