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#2585109 07/06/15 12:32 PM
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desp13 Offline OP
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its been two months and I cant seem to remember every detail of my situation but Ill try.
W 25 me 23 we have D1 2y years old.
We got married when I was 18 she was 20 ever since we met we always thought that we were meant to be well at least I did and still do.
since day one we hard a rough path economically and emotionally since my family gave us a hard time at first but we worked as a team and we made it through a lot of obstacles, we went from living with my parents, to living on our own from having one car to having two after 2 years of marriage we got pregnant and thats when her attitude changed a lil bit got full of regrets of being a mom and a wife, every time she could , she would express herself in a very negative way about both (marriage and parenting) I know she was kind of unhappy but I though our love and our goals to move up in life were stronger.
So due to all of our struggles, I fell into a depression I would complaint about my job and my car most of the time and I would take it out on her, I would also complaint about her not knowing how to help me or what to say to me when I had my moments. and that went on for 3 months or probably even more.
The whole month of april She was different a lill colder and distant than usual, I say usual cuz thats her personality she is anti clingy and very independent and reserved.
so I asked and she blamed it on her period so ok I moved on from the subject. A month later, 13 day into the month I decided to ask her one more time since period was gone and she didn't have any excuse not explain the real reasons and that was when she dropped the bomb on me.
she told me that she was confused and That she didn't know if this is what she wanted, that she was horrible and meeting people expectations and that she loved me but not they way she was supposed to. in my ignorance of db I pursued,begged and wrote letters and sent her text messages more than usual I called her a lot I sent a lot of love quotes. and asked her to work things out to go couples counseling but she said NO and told me to back off. ( not her exactly words but I got the message), so later on that month she moved out and went to her parents house with my daughter. she started taking her stuff little by little, thats when I decided to buy the book and I started reading it. by the time I finished I stop all the pursuing, and attempts to have her change her mind I stopped texting her unless it was about the kid or money since we still have join accounts, I started woking out and I've gotten results and she has notices them, I act like Im fine always smiling and make jokes with her family and have fun while Im there but at the same time very distant from her and I don't initiate conversations or ask her questions, but she does, she will ask me If I went to the gym that day or when Am I off from work and stuff like that... but the only thing I haven't been able to do unfortunately is to detached, I still go to have breakfast at her parents house, some times dinner, I been trying to stop little by little but its been hard for me since they were my only family. she still invites me to lunch at her parents or breakfast but I'm saying more no than yes, still working on it. we've gone out twice once was for dinner with the baby and the other one was recently to a bar with her friends. its confuses me but I know if I ask again she will say that we're not getting back together.
Now all she wants to do its dance and go to the mall with friends and go out to do stuff that supposedly she never liked doing. I never told her that she couldn't do it when we were together and I never mind doing it with her but she will say that she prefer going to a restaurant and watching a movie.
Im hurt and confused, Idk if she misses me if she has any feeling left for me. I'm trying to move on without her but I love her and our family so much that still keep my hopes up, still pray for her to come back, and I still think she is THE ONE and that we're meant to be. I had opportunities to go out with other woman but I just don't cuz I want her.'
please any advice any questions will be highly appreciated.


Me:23
W:25
D: 2
YT: 6
M: 5
BD: 05/13/2015
W MO: 05/29/2015
Joined: Nov 2009
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
(http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534754&page=1).

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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desp13 Offline OP
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Thank you. Ive been reading a lot in this forum before I actually posted my story.!


Me:23
W:25
D: 2
YT: 6
M: 5
BD: 05/13/2015
W MO: 05/29/2015
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,121
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Hello Desp13,

First let me say that I'm sorry for the situation you are in.

Based on the information you have shared, I can see why you are hurt and confused.

It would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me to discuss our program at 303-444-7004.


Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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desp13 Offline OP
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Im desperate.. Im rejecting her invitations to have lunch at her parents, Im acting like Im moving on, but Im really not All I do its wait all day for her to text me. yesterday after all day she texted me asking about a conversation I had with her best friend boyfriend about me and him being roommates. apparently she thinks its a good Idea idk why? when everyone else thinks other wise. We had planned before the separation that we were taking the baby for the first time to the movie theater I told her that I was going to take her this weekend and she said yeah "WE'RE" taking her this weekend so I guess she is part of the plan now. Im kind of happy and sad cuz I know it doesn't mean anything but I get to spend some time with the two girls I love the most.! It messes with my emotions cuz Thats something that I really enjoyed doing with her and to think that, that's not going to happen ever again it kills me.. I wish I could tell her how much I miss her and ask her to try to work things out.. but I hold my self I haven't touch the subject since the bomb but Idk how long should I wait to ask her.'
This is really killing me.


Me:23
W:25
D: 2
YT: 6
M: 5
BD: 05/13/2015
W MO: 05/29/2015
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
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Originally Posted By: desp13
All I do its wait all day for her to text me.

STOP waiting and get out and GAL.
You need to pick yourself up and stop wallowing in depression!

You can do this!


Me-70, D37,S36
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Desp -

I'm so sorry that youre here. While it's a great place, i certainly wish I were somewhere else. My advice is to stop thinking in such absolutes. You have i idea what the future holds, so don't spend your time worrying about whether your relationship will be repaired or not. Accept that there's s possibility that it may or may not and then keep your hope alive.

Also, nobody is telling you to MOVE ON. The whole thing is so new that you can't be expected to have healed and be ready for a new relationship. Instead you need to move forward. Don't let your life stop just because of this. The pain doesn't stop until you make it stop by going through the process. Self-reflect, improve, GAL....they are buzzwords here, but that's because they WORK.

Wishing you strength during this time.


At BD - Me: 33 Her: 33; M: 10 T: 15; D: 6 and 3

BD: 3/25/15
S: 4/20/15
D: 11/9/15
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 106
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desp13 Offline OP
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Thank you for the advice.!! Im trying but I get anxious to see if there are any changes in her attitude.. I've been hitting the weights but I really don't have much time to do anything else since I prefer to spend my time off with my daughter.!
But my mind doesn't stop picturing a happy ending...


Me:23
W:25
D: 2
YT: 6
M: 5
BD: 05/13/2015
W MO: 05/29/2015
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,647
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I understand wanting to spend time with your daughter. There is nothing wrong with being the best dad possible. But. Your daughter is 2. I'm guessing she's in bed by 7/8 o'clock. Also do you have her EVERY night?

It's SO important that you have time to yourself to get out and do things. Go to meetups, find a divorce group, hang out with friends. WHATEVER. Do something to take your mind away. The more time you spend with your mind occupied, the less frequent and less intense the pain becomes.


At BD - Me: 33 Her: 33; M: 10 T: 15; D: 6 and 3

BD: 3/25/15
S: 4/20/15
D: 11/9/15
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


Me-70, D37,S36
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