Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
#2582797 06/28/15 03:35 PM
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 320
L
lionhrt Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 320
Hi,

Long time since I have posted here (was going through a bad patch) and have had to change my details as had a lot of my accounts hacked.

Brief summary of sitch:
BD 2012 confused feelings, Moved out Nov 2012, son with special needs and step son. W left home and a whole host of debt behind. W upgraded her house to one that was twice the size of the family home (even though she is on benefits) and suspect she is living with OM.

Both agreed we wanted a straight forward D on basis of 2 year separation.

A lot has happened since I last posted. W e-mailed me in Nov 14 about divorce and stuff, also admitted she had been seeing OM since early 2013 and felt now was the time to be honest because she has respected my feelings by making sure OM is not around whilst I pick S up.

In e-mail mentions divorce and basically agrees to sign house over(no equity in the property), she won't apply for spousal maintenance but requested on-going financial support for special needs son whilst he still lives with her.

Conversations that followed were reasonable and I basically agreed with her proposals as they seemed fair given her new long term relationship status, the fact I am paying off all the marital debt and there being no equity in the house.

Fast forward and because I have been paying off debt against the house I was finally in a position to realistically transfer property over. After W announcement re OM also felt high time I got the divorce started.

Spoke to W a few weeks back that provided nothing has changed re our agreement then I will talk to solicitor to check if any problems from a legal perspective and then we would discuss again the following week re petitioning etc. I also made the mistake of mentioning the house that I could feasible transfer because there was now a small amount of equity in....big mistake.

So I speak to solicitor, get fixed price for what should have been a straight forward D (W stated she also wanted a straight forward D) on the grounds of 2 year separation. The following weekend when I pick S up W announces she has already filed. Receive the petition and whilst she ticks the 2 yea separation box as grounds for divorce she also decided to fill the additional information box with a whole load of grievances about how she felt I resented working to support the family, she gave up her life to raise our S etc etc. My solicitor was taken aback by this as in the rant W had forgotten to actually put the dates we were separated and a possibility a judge may reject it!

Agreed for solicitor to write to W with outline of what we had agreed financially with house etc. W receives letter and does a complete U-turn and is now out for everything (lump sum, spousal maintenance, on-going child support, equity in property etc etc). In her response to solicitor W also sends a length note of 'additional information' about how she left the M home with just Ł30 and more re-writing of history etc.

More a vent post than anything as I had actually thought there were some signs of improvement in W. Its just that I know for me personally I am done and wanted a line drawing under it. Now looks like this will drag on for ages.

She also hacked my FB account the other week (managed to trace)!

Losing the will fast!

To any out there (particularly Forever Young who I know has been out there a similar time to me) thanks for the support. I have changed my username for safety!

Thanks all

Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
Hi Lionh,

Nice to have you back.;-) I'm sorry the crazy train has sped up again.

I'm sure Forever will be by soon.

This MLC process is very unpredictable and unfair. It sounds like you are getting your life in order. It's only a matter of time before this awfulness passes.

It's hard to imagine after all this time and admittedly living with the OM, that she would have any right to spousal. And, you have consistent documented investment in the house while she lives in another home... So I'm thinking that equity could be argued as yours with a decent atty at the helm.

Just my two cents.

Heather


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
LoisB #2582815 06/28/15 04:49 PM
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 320
L
lionhrt Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 320
Hi LoisB,

Thanks for the encouraging words.

I agree, think I have a good case....its the cost of it all that is going to put my finances back again to where they were on BD!

Frustrating that I have just started to see the end of a long financial black hole and fear I will be plunged into it again! These last 12 months especially I've had my plan, built myself up, looking forward again and more importantly moving forwards with my life.

Its funny because there were signs of improvement, she started to come out to the car to wave S off, more and more comments re clothes etc.

Throughout the admission (finally!) re OM I remained calm, but assertive around the fact that she had OM around my son but not informed me and that aspect was not acceptable.

She has been desperate for me to accept OM.....asked me to stay for a drink with them both when I dropped S off on xmas day, had already cooked me some dinner when I picked S up after work on his birthday. I agreed that I would be civil/polite but that is where it ends.

So very true about the crazy train! Just when you feel like you are off, it has the habit of sweeping you up again and spitting you out at the next station......along way from where you were and want to be!

Take care and thanks.

Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 2,148
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 2,148
lionhrt,

Probably the OM and her solicitor is telling her to go for as much as she can.

Work with your lawyer on this. Let him do the talking. You don't need to be friends with her. Clearly she doesn't want to be friends with you. This will set you back some, but at least you will be able to move on.

Theoden




Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
Hi R Lionhrt, Thanks for your kind words, and for thinking of me. I'm so sorry W is putting you into the position you are now in, but I know you will do what you have to and make it through it all with flying colors.

You DB with the best of 'em, for your marriage and your son. Unfortunately we know going in that there are no guarantees here, especially with all the MLC craziness.

Don't be a stranger to the board, there are many people here who can help you through your D.

Originally Posted By: lionhrt
She has been desperate for me to accept OM.....asked me to stay for a drink with them both when I dropped S off on xmas day, had already cooked me some dinner when I picked S up after work on his birthday. I agreed that I would be civil/polite but that is where it ends.


Good for you. I think if I were in your place I'd consider offering him a free Taekwondo lesson whether he wanted one or not. smirk

Last edited by ForeverYoung; 07/01/15 03:44 PM.

M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 320
L
lionhrt Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 320
theoden and FY thanks for dropping in,

Completely agree re solicitor doing the talking. Quite difficult with W as S has no speech and therefore I have to communicate with her to know how his weeks been etc. For that reason I have tried my best to be as civil as possible in order to not make things harder than they need to be.

Re friends it is her that has always initiated the trying to be friends and I used to get caught in the push/pull dynamic. I have withdrawn completely from this dynamic but will remain polite and civil for the sake of S.

It is frustrating because I feel she used S disability to keep her secret with OM. He would have told me for sure if he could. Sandi2 warned me in the early days of what she could be capable of......so I have been preparing for OM revelation for a long time. When it came the preparation paid off.

I am pretty sure OM is going thru MLC as well! Just bought a new sports car, presumably with my child support money!

I am still doing a good job of keeping the business side (finances) and emotional side separate in the D.

FY - thank you. It is so good to see you are doing so well and am happy for you. It seems like a lifetime since we were first on newcomers on what was then a very similar sitch. Been a long ride so far and just goes to show how 2 similar sitchs can turn out so different.

You have been a great example of patience and I know it has been a tough ride for you.

But you can definately get yourself over here for the lesson! I'll pay the air fair smile

I won't be stranger but needed time out to get my life plan together (without W) and was making huge strides getting some financial security back and enjoying S. The D is sad because I know that with the new me we would have had a much better M . But it is time to move on.

I hold my head high in that no matter what she has thrown at me so far (and there has been a lot which I haven't shared here) I have remained strong, resilient, learned from my mistakes and to still apply DB. I am the lighthouse and it seems like it irritates W that she cannot draw a reaction, that no matter what she does I grow stronger and yet she still seems stuck with resentment and anger.

For that I will always be extremely grateful for DB and the people here, without which I would have definitely sunk into a much darker place.

Thanks again and keep up the good work.

Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 320
L
lionhrt Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 320
Interesting few days. W unblocked me from FB then put a profile pic of her and OM.....urghh. She also wiped her entire history except the last few months! Know I shouldn't look but couldn't help myself!

Had text today from a friend asking where I was at S school summer fair on Friday. Seems no one bothered to tell me! Double urghhhh!!

Picked S up this am, W and OM seemed intent on suggesting activities for S...... Arghhh!!! Need to stop this but rely on W telling me how his weeks been! Think I would prefer an email update or something instead! Whilst I have to accept there is OM its like they r wiping my nose in it!

Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 320
L
lionhrt Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 320
Feel like I am falling into a bit of a backslide at the moment. I have done what I usually do when I feel this which is to type out a message to W but not actually send it. However, the start of D has got me in a more reflective mood. In particular the stages of W MLC are becoming clearer to me and I am starting to think about how I have enabled some of her behaviours.

I am pretty sure with hindsight that she went through the Denial, Anger stages throughout 2009 and 2010. It was at this time she started to get very resentful of her mum. Her dad died when she was young and resentment with regard to how she felt her mum neglected her during that period surfaced. She also started to get Angry at her immediate family and mum for not supporting her enough with S with special needs. Her use of FB and contacting old boyfriends on FB started part way through 2010.

This was also the time period when issues started at S school and his behaviours got worse.

This lasted until mid way through 2011 when in hindsight W had become more withdrawn and OM family came on the scene and IMO was in full replay. OM was someone she met at an adult education course in around 2006. In 2011 we started to do things with OM, his W and family. In hindsight she was looking for excuses to bump into them. For example W and I would go for lunch and coincidentally OM was at the same place with his W. Possibly a coincidence but on more than 1 occasion. I also left my job in mid 2011 and started a new job later that year.

Communication with OM and W was frequent throughout this period but at the time did not read much into it.

Late 2011 came the confused feelings. Coincidentally OM issues started with his W in December 2011 and he left in Feb 12. W confused feelings continued throughout early 2012 and went away in Feb 2012 for some space. When she returned she wanted to work on the M. However, the confusion continued and she became withdrawn from the M again, finally admitting she was still confused in May 12. Aug 12 came BD with a number of scripted responses such as being like brother and sister, its not you its me, I need to find myself etc.

I discovered DB in September 2012 but W had already started the hunt for property by then and my DBing was too late to stop her from moving out. She also admitted an EA with OM. About this time was when the anger go more noticeable at me and she moved to the spare room, removed her wedding rings etc. She moved out finally in Nov 12.

I continued to DB and in the early months that followed her moving out she was closer. She would cry a lot at S pick ups/drop offs and on one occasion apologised but said it was all for the best.

However, in the following 12 months 2013-14 her behaviour became ever more manipulative regarding S and money.

W emailed in 2014 confirming OM for over 12 months (but not admitting a PA whilst we were in the same house). Said she didn't tell me about OM because she was protecting me! She again commented about D, but made no move to file. My reaction to OM was calm because in truth it was a relief for it to be out in the open.

Soon after this W deleted me from FB and only this weekend unblocking me with her history wiped. This and an army of new friends.

In May 2015 I was the one that initiated conversations re D and getting things moving....I was ready. W then decided to file before I had chance to do it. The anger, resentment also seems to be resurfacing in W. It is like she is blaming me for the fact that S had disabilities and the extent to which a S with special needs restricts her life.

I still think she is stuck in replay and the truth is I cannot see her getting unstuck.

However, I also think my own behaviours have contributed to this and fear I have become a doormat. OM is a good example where I have wanted to keep the peace on S pick ups and therefore not set any boundary on this or him being around. I do think that OM bothers me and I have pent up anger when I need to just let it go.

I have also neglected my own life to a certain extent by having S every weekend which means I get no break between work and caring for S. Whilst this has been good from the perspective of my R with S, it also means W has every weekend free for herself without spending any time with S. Don't get me wrong in that I do GAL during the evenings in the week, I also love time with S and have kept his home here stable. But my life has become so busy now I feel I am getting exhausted. I also fear I will not have time for a new relationship given commitments with S, work etc. Asking another woman to spend her weekends with a special needs child is a tall ask for anyone.

Long reflective post for anyone that takes time to read it smile.

Thanks

Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 320
L
lionhrt Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 320
forgot to add that it is also more visible how W is trying to find a resolution to her unhappiness. OM, attempts for more money, trying to get me to have more time with S, blocking and unblocking me from FB,trying to get me to have more time with S so she has more breaks etc. Like she is looking for a reason she is still not happy but can't find it if that makes any sense.

Probably too much focus on W for now smile!

Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 320
L
lionhrt Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 320
W seems to be going all out to assert her authority on the world. Next up is S carer. W revealed she has put out an advert for a new carer and is going to sack S carer when she finds someone.

Basically W wants more time off in the school holidays. 1 day a week and all weekend is no longer enough and S carer can't do anymore hours in the week.

S has an excellent relationship with his carer and this will affect him.

Not sure where to go with this one. W sounded like she was going to enjoy sacking S carer when she gets the chance.

W is really making my skin crawl at the moment. She seems to be getting worse not better!

Page 1 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard