as_it_is - my adventure continues (part 2)

[asitis]

First thread hitting the 100 post limit, so I'm starting a new one. Here is the first thread for those who want to read back:

as_it_is - my adventure continues

So, bit of a summary of background & where things stand. Married 12 years a week from tomorrow, together 17.5 years. M 50, W 43, 2 Ss (6 &3). March '14 wife, after meeting with a student who just had recovered memory of childhood sex abuse, was in our kitchen and just started shaking and realizing that she wasn't happy and had been in denial of this, and that I was not treating her well but that she was making excuses for me. She lets me know something is wrong. Over the course of the next months, she is more explicit about my problematic behavior and her not feeling loved and respected, her feeling like I whittled away at her self-esteem over the years, and that she was not able to ask for what she needed or wanted (she understood this as a long-term pattern starting in childhood).

I get the message and start really pulling out the stops to be more demonstrative, emotionally open, helpful on the household tasks she feels are unfairly put on her and that she cares most about, start addressing my tendency to have a short fuse and be irritable.

She gives me the ILYBINILWY talk in early summer, lots of love you like brother, we are family, but... Every improvement on my part seems to lead to new boundaries erected and more distance. She asks me to sleep in the spare room over the summer. I ask for MC. MC is mostly her clarifying why she doesn't think we are working then in Nov. 14 after about 5 sessions, she confirms that she wants a separation. MC switches to separation logistics. Separate in early Feb. '15. Somewhat unusually, we share an apartment and our house, so that the kids stay in the house and my W & I rotate back and forth. This is to keep the kids stable environment. Sep. was meant to see how she feels and take some time to let emotions cools and then come back to work on the R. We agree to take a break from MC for a month & then re-evaluate.

All through this, she is sending me mixed signals, and while I give her more space I'm still trying to woo her and show her what a good H I am. In Mar., she says she is finally able to feel all her rage. I give her more space. In 13 Apr. '15, she asks for a divorce, something she says she wanted for a while and regrets not asking for earlier. I take it in stride, which surprises her (she feared I'd explode like her father - something I've never done, or fall apart). We set up MC to discuss this announcement. Feel betrayed that she seems to have had no intention of working on the M, even though she claimed she would.

I finally get it, and stop all wooing. I let her know that she will need to pick up some of the tasks I've been doing as I was still doing all the household/family tasks that I had traditionally done, and much of hers. I had DB, but a colleague who does mental health counseling and is D herself, recommends I read the first chapter of DB. Start reading DB. Get DR, read it. Develop plan. Come here and start reading for about a week, then join and post. Get a lot of help fine tuning the plan and correcting some no-no's I wasn't fully aware I was doing.

About a month ago, I got a DB coach (Jody), and have had 2 phone sessions. Very helpful and optimistic. Still no real babystep changes from my W. She is clearly in a bit of an MLC on top of having issues w/ our M. I have made huge changes w/ regard to problematic behavior, but of course tried to show her before she was ready to see. No evidence of affair.

I'll post a summary of my DBing plan/steps in the next post.

[asitis]

Goals:
Big Goals for the R are my W investing in our R again; having us start working together on some of the areas of mutual responsibility that we have been weak on (e.g., finances, yard, and problem areas of house); being honest with each other in communicating our wants, listening better to each other and learning to fight better; more family time and start having couples' time again; and have W acknowledge the good in our M and our past.

Big Goals for Me: detach, detach, and detach; stopping all pursuit; work on my fears that drive me to want to control the situation and my W; focus on improving my relationship w/ kids; wrestling w/ some of my bad interpersonal habits by working on them with people other than my W; try new things and continue to strengthen my social support network.

Babysteps w/ W include: getting her to start initiating contact; having her show me some consideration; seeing signs that she is not finding having her social life revolve around a few college students (mainly a couple young men - and no A there); having her initiate conversations about topics of interest (our R was built on this); having her show signs of opening up and talking about what is going on in her life.

The most important of those are the first couple.

What I am doing to move in that direction. GAL activities & enjoying the other aspects of my life (doing well on this); being happy, friendly, but keeping interaction short while with W, and making more eye contact; keeping up new habits that show I have changed, but now they are for me and my well-being; playing more with the kids, esp. when w/ is around; avoiding initiating contact unless really necessary and delaying my response to contacts by her; keeping up my fitness routine;

GAL activities: I'm a practicing Buddhist, w/ a good daily meditation regime. I read a lot in the subject, have a formal student-teacher relationship with a Zen priest, am active in a local weekly sitting group, and since November '14 have done monthly weekend sitting intensive retreats all but 2 months.

I also have been good on exercising regularly & trying to eat healthy to support my sanity as well as get in a bit better shape/be more attractive.

I have started taking pottery classes, and have really enjoyed it. None right now, and I'm missing the activity.

I've joined the local Unitarian Universalist Church, and go fairly regularly. Good group/social support.

I'm starting down the path toward a new career. I currently teach political science at our local uni., but as an adjunct, which doesn't pay well enough and is not secure enough if I have to support myself. I've entered a graduate program in mental health counseling. It will keep me very busy during the school year, between teaching my classes for work, taking classes for my master's, and being a dad. Lots of new people with shared interest, and we go through the program as a cadre, so it a lot of friendships and social opportunities. Also, very nurturing environment - after all we all are interested in helping others with their emotional issues, and this includes each other.

I've also been reading and commenting on a number of threads on this forum. Found it very helpful to support others, but sometimes I do feel a bit like I get over focused on saving my M and don't spend enough time just doing what I want.

DB coach has me emphasizing not doing anything that smacks of spousal relationship w/ my W, but instead focus on being friendly, humorous, upbeat, and attractive. In fact, attractiveness is the mantra and lens I am to filter my words and actions through. She also has me focusing even more than I already did on being childlike w/ the kids, esp. when the opportunity arises to do so in front of W. She also wants me to focus on my tendency to offer ideas/suggestions to an issue we need to deal with on the house or kids as an opportunity to show respect and admiration by asking W's opinion.

Again, little in the way of signs of progress from W. Jody says patience is best indicator of success in the DBer, and w/ MLC thrown in, it is extra important.

Many more signs of progress re: myself and goals for myself.

Things I still need to work on more:
1) Self-medicating w/ alcohol. I need to cut back on this. It is too easy to start having a drink or two every day, and more on days when I don't have much to do & am feeling a bit down.

2) Keeping focused on myself and not worrying about W and what she is or isn't doing, especially the lack of signs of progress on the baby steps.

3) Eye contact & listening. I don't get enough practice w/ W at this stage, so I need to look for more opportunities w/ other people.

[asitis]

OK, now that I've summarized where I am and what I'm doing, a little journalling.

Mixed day today. Had to go over to do some lawn mowing at the house (we share this duty as it takes a while). Saw the W & kids. Pleasant interactions. W went to grocery store while I mowed, and she got a good view of me from behind manhandling the mower. She always loved my broad back and shoulders, and other views from the rear. I wondered if it still had any effect on her.

She was going to bring the kids over to the apartment pool, and I was planning to work out in the fitness room, which looks out onto the pool. Didn't really want to see them and not be part of the fun. Fortunately, she either changed her mind or came earlier than I thought & didn't stay long.

Had a good workout. Watching a movie tonight. I'm not a big fireworks fan (I'm a bit sensitive to loud noises, as are both my Ss). Still, a bit down because it is supposed to be a day for family activity and togetherness, and that wasn't going to happen.

Monday, I go for a colonoscopy (a delayed 50th b-day present - yeah). W will be taking me & picking me up. Sort of wish I had asked someone else in retrospect, but drinking the potion and getting put under are going to be much bigger negatives to the day.

If I'm not too groggy from the anaesthesia, I have my monthly movie discussion group at church. We've seen some good movies together, and the discussions have been interesting. Good to get out and be around adults, which has been in short supply since getting back from vacation.

Tuesday, we have our new monthly meeting to work on the finances and nagging house issues. Both of us have made some progress on the goals we set for ourselves last month, and last time the working together on something important felt good. Having some success should add to that. Still, you never know.

Happy 4th for those of us here in the U.S.

[PigPen]

That's a lot of great stuff As, you've got this well mapped out and a great path in place. I have faith in you my friend, you've got just enough contact with your W so that she can see the changes but enough distance where you can work on yourself and really let them set in.

Patience is the best indicator in the success in the DB'er huh? I needed that one. I've spent the not detaching about who my W may or may not be hanging out with. Detach, detach, detach.

As for your goals, they're awesome. Even before I jumped on the wagon myself, I worked with a lot of people for whom alcohol wasn't a big deal, but was big enough that they mentioned it. I always recommended the same thing - take a month off. 30 days is a great reset. It lets you know that you're not going to go without forever, but is enough time to really let the positive effects set in.

Couple that with the inevitable 5-7 pounds that they all lose and it's a win/win. Give it some thought, it will definitely help with your fitness goals as well as your meditations. After my first 30 days of complete sobriety I had lost 5 pounds and I workout every day. It's more than just the additional caloric intake, there's an inflammatory component to drinking and as well as some nutrient absorption issues.

Food for thought anyway. I currently end the day with a glass of kombucha poured into one of my old beer glasses. Works well.

You're a big contributor to a number of the threads around here and we all appreciate your wisdom and advice. It really does look like you've got all of your bases covered and following this thread would be a great way for all newcomers to the site to design their next few months.

Keep at it As, I look forward to following along with your situation. Let me know if you want any workout or dietary tips too, I'd be happy to pass them along.

Happy 4th.

PP

[Bob723]

That's a lot of great stuff As, you've got this well mapped out and a great path in place. I have faith in you my friend, you've got just enough contact with your W so that she can see the changes but enough distance where you can work on yourself and really let them set in.

Patience is the best indicator in the success in the DB'er huh? I needed that one. I've spent the not detaching about who my W may or may not be hanging out with. Detach, detach, detach.

You're a big contributor to a number of the threads around here and we all appreciate your wisdom and advice. It really does look like you've got all of your bases covered and following this thread would be a great way for all newcomers to the site to design their next few months.

Hello asitis,

Our great friend PigPen summarized today's posts very well. And I second PP's comment about us appreciating your wisdom and advice. (The same goes for you, PP!)

I think it's fantastic that you've entered a graduate program in mental health counseling. Good for you, asitis.

Bringing up patience helped me, like it did PigPen. Thanks for mentioning that. All in all, I think you are headed in the right direction.

I wish you well, asitis. You can do this!

Bob

[asitis]

The patience saying was from my DB coach, who said it was the best indicator/predictor of success in the people she coaches.

Thanks for the kind words.

Am planning on the time of booze for a while. It's not helping anything. I love a good bourbon and a good beer, but when I'm at the apartment, it's become more often than not. And, I definitely wouldn't mind dropping those 5-7 pounds.

Cheers.

[asitis]

Good hand off day. W was more talkative than usual, and actually asked questions about my mom when the subject came up. She mentioned some little frustrations. Lots of eye contact. Let her go out and do her share of the lawn mowing. Coordinated on my colonoscopy adventure tomorrow, my up coming trip to the monastery for 2 weeks, her vacation plans, and having to re-arrange our schedule for who has the kids before long in anticipation of the fall semester work & class schedule.

One funny moment. She walked out to go mow, and I was in the kitchen putting some groceries away. She came back in to tell me that the two college boys were over on Friday to help with the yard in exchange for dinner, and they changed from work clothes to a clean change of pants and socks, so I shouldn't think the wrong thing about the clean folded men's pants on the chair in the kitchen. It was sort of funny, and she clearly wanted me to not think get the wrong idea. I actually hadn't even noticed it, knew they were coming over to work, and knew that she wouldn't have a sleepover in the house w/ the kids even if she were sneaking in an A (I really don't see evidence of one). I'm not going to read anything into it, other than my being amused.

Tomorrow is my older S's 1/2 birthday. Because my W's b-day was 5 days after Christmas, she is sensitive to the fact that gifts all get concentrated in a short window. Elder S's b-day is 6 Jan., so we've had the practice of a small 1/2 birthday gift. As I'm going to be out of it for my colonoscopy, we're going to the sporting goods store for his first ball glove, and a t-ball set up. I find it interesting that I've always been largely in charge of the kids' gifts, but in the current situation, I'm thankful I get to think of things that we can bond over.

Maybe some pizza out.

Also, I'm happy that I'm finally really getting back into my good routines that were disrupted by vacation and I wasn't doing well on until the last few days (exercise routine, meditation, reading).

[asitis]

Tonight W texts me asking for the root password on her laptop so that she can install an updated version of Flash. I'm a Linux user, and all of our computers run it. She shouldn't need a password for an update, so I suspected that she was trying to install a version from Adobe, which is a no-no.

So I call, yep. She has been getting error messages and crashes on websites that use flash. I told her that this sometime happens with the sites misreading the browser or flash version, but not to do what she is doing. I then said, bring the laptop over tomorrow before she takes me to my colonoscopy, and I'll look at it.

Part of me wanted to say, you don't want a husband so you'll need to figure out how to manage your computer on your own. But she is taking me to the doctors and picking me up after (they won't let me go home by myself after anaesthesia), and we've been getting along fairly amicably. No great improvement, but generally pleasant and friendly. Figured I'd do more harm by refusing. I know it is continuing to take care of something I always did that & now she is rejecting the rest of the M, so shouldn't I cut her off. Just seemed petty.

Thoughts?

[Fogg]

Not sure I see the refusing part causing more damage, unless you mean not giving her the password at all? Then yes, I agree.

Its one thing to tell her to bring it over so you can fix it, but you assumed the problem right away and told her what it was. What might have happened if you just gave her the password and let her continue?

She may have broken something and then still needed your help, so you may have still ended up fixing it. I can understand the urge to fix something for her but you don't need to protect her from making the mistake in the first place.

She will need to see the consequences of her actions in some way.

[asitis]

Yes I see that. It would have taken a lot more to untangle, but ...

I'm thinking of having her search the relevant forums until she can find the answer herself, try each possibility and then let me know. At least she'll see what it takes and what I've been doing.

It's hard to stop instinctively just taking over.

Thanks.