seperated 4 months

[help67]

It was bad for a long time when we were together, we both needed this seperation to heal, and do the work. I decided at the beginning that this was necessary, I love my w, she was my best friend and that I would always love her and do anything to be back with her. This wanting to be back with her is what set me back and led me to make all the db mistakes. So now I focus on making myself better, and enjoy any time I have with her. I think it is getting us somewhere, we are more caring about each other, make each other laugh, we are becoming friends again. You will learn how to be patient, there is no way around it.

[PigPen]

I also smoked (pot), been straight & sober for 9 months. It was a long time coming, I wanted to stop many times, but kept going back because I didn't do the work. When my w left, she was scared to meet and work on the agreement unless it was a public place, and wasn't sure if she could trust me with our d. I was never physically abusive, but I had anger issues and she didn' t know how I would react. I have always been a great dad, I now realize that was not the case, being drunk, emotionally absent, and everything that goes along with addiction. IC, meditation, and reading has gotten me to this point, and there is no going back.

My w, a couple of months ago said she believes I mean it now, the changes I am making, but it is not about look at me I am not going to be bad anymore, forgive me and come back. She said she wants to live for now, and not worry about the future. She said she will remain open, but cannot make promises, and doesnt know what the future holds.

So I have to keep progressing, be patient, and enjoy the time we spend together or interact. It's very hard as I finally understand what she has always understood, and want that deep emotional, intimate connection with her again, we did have it, but not for awhile now.

Also, my w has work to do herself. We both come from dysfunctional families, her much worse than mine. She was never good at setting boundaries, until she did when she left. This time apart was probably the only way for us to get better. Keep at it, and we will all get better.

We have mirror situations. MIRROR.

I agree with the space. I know she needs to heal from living with me. I truly do. I was never abuse either but was so inconsistent and just emotionally volatile. She told me she never knew what she was going to get on a daily basis.

My W was the exact same way with boundaries, and on some level I believe that her leaving me was the start of her ability to set them. That this was the most empowering move that she could make for herself and she needed that empowerment.

I've said this in my original post but I had a feeling that my W would leave me in order to start a business that she had tried to for years in our M. She's using her maiden name as the basis of it and I was OK with that and even recommended it when we were M. I believe that part of her leaving (despite all the BS I put her through) was that she needed to feel empowered enough to start the business, and to be the woman with the maiden name.

Long story short, she left me on a Saturday and her new website went live the following Monday morning.

That's not to take away from the destruction that living with a functioning addict had on her, nor the depth of it, but there's always a lot to these pictures. Couple that with the fact that my W came from a really dysfunctional family as well - and works at drug rehabs, and I know that there's a lot of time needed here.

Glad to hear your story help, I hope it continues to progress well.

PP

[help67]

I invited waw to watch fireworks last night, but she was to tired. She sent me an email today saying she was sorry she couldnt make it, but that d had fun with me. I try not to analyze, but I find it interesting that she apologized for not hanging out, I read 5 live languages and found that ihave two, one being quality time together, the other being acts of service. I also found that I didnt speak to my w in her languages.

[help67]

Could really use a vet for help right now. My waw just told me she is dating someone who is married, but it is an open marriage. They have known each other for a few years and they didnt start dating until after she left me, but I imagine it was an ea before that. She confided in him while she was preparing to leave. Can she be in a mlc, I didnt think she showed any signs of one. She told me she doesnt really know me because of my drinking, we have been together for 27 yrs, I believe she doesnt really know herself maybe.

She said she likes the way we have been interacting, and that I should date. She also said this doesnt mean we cant continue to build, who knows what the future holds. I have been changing, and have been there for her, but now this changes everything. I told her I was sorry she felt like this, that I did want to rebuild, but I want her to be happy, so she needs to do what will get hr there.

I dont know how to proceed from here, I wont be in an open marriage with her, but I dont want to walk away.

[help67]

Any vets have advice I really could use it now, I cant believe I was so foolish to not see the ea my ww was in. Not sure how to proceed, I dont want to give up.

[help67]

In the 9 months we have been seperated I have dug deep, but obviously my w hasnt. Her background growing up was really bad, and she has self worth issues, I didnt help that, we are very similar. To be with a married man who is in an open relationship shows she doesnt think she desrves more, but I guess its more than I gave. I am ready to be that person she needs, but I dont know how to interact with her now. What we have built these last 2 months is her cake eating. I know I must still work on me, she needs to "fix" herself. Do I pull back and just deal with child issues. Do I insist we do the seperation agreement which she wanted but it isnt done yet. I know she is confused, I know I still love her and want to rebuild, but how at this point. I appreciate any help, especially from the vets. Let me know if there are any questions regarding my sitch as I havnt posted much.

[help67]

Sandi, I could really use your help if you have the time. Thanks

[help67]

Thinking about sending my ww an email validating her reasons, letting her know I want to rebuild with her, but I wont be in a open marriage if she doesnt want to rebuild. Someone tell me why that is a bad idea, I guess I already know it is. Do I just go nc other than childcare. She said she has enjoyed the last 2 months of our interactions, just a way to keep me attached I guess. I am very lonely and confused rihht now, going to IC soon.

[help67]

I feel like I am at day one again, like the movie groundhog day. My ww has not been mean to me as I have seen on this board, other than what she is doing of course. Why could that be, she was done maybe, maybe we can start over. My texts must sound like a newbie. Afetr all this, I still believe we are soulmates, time will tell.

[help67]

I still love her. What if this is not a dealbreaker, as I fully understand how I contributed by not meeting her needs for so long. Does this affect how I proceed. I still love her.