Where to start.. My wife and I have been together since she was 19, I was a 26 year old and met her just months after she had a baby girl (who's father took off and moved to another state). We became best friends and soon fell in love.
I pledged to take care of her and her young baby and we moved in together within a year of starting to date.
We had some rocky times during our time before marriage but always seemed to work through them, At one point my then girlfriend developed a drinking and gambling problem for a couple of years or so, and her family had an intervention without my knowledge(Information that I had just been told recently by my MIL.)
During this time we separated for a couple of months until I saw her starting to get better (We continued dating each other during this time and I still was supporting her and her D while I stayed with my Mom.)
Also during this time, I began to have an EA with an ex which my then girlfriend discovered, I quickly ended all contact and gave full transparency.
After both of our issues settled down, I moved back in. After a couple of years we gave birth to a baby girl and a year later she became pregnant with my son. I decided after 9 years of being together and surviving through our problems earlier in the relationship, It was time to ask for her hand, She had wanted to get married for a long time, as a matter of fact, she wouldn't allow my D to have my last name b/c we weren't married. It took awhile for our trust issues for each other to subside and now they had, so It was time.
My son was born and we were married on 5/1/2010. I was happy to be married to my best friend and confidant. We had succeeded in weathering the storms and now it was us against the world forever.
NOT SO FAST! the first two years were great but then my son developed a growth on his neck which we had biopsied(negative) and removed, my wife had a tumor on her ovary discovered while she became pregnant with my youngest daughter which was removed during the C-section(also negative) and the bills began to pile up.
Also during this time my wife had taken out credit cards w/o my knowledge and also bought a van. The credit cards got maxed out and the van repossessed twice, We were drowning. My wife works as a waitress/bartender. During this time my wife took on a second job to help get us out of our troubles, part time, at a local sports bar. I was against this as I already work alot of hours during the week and just thought this would cause more issues in our relationship with her not being home. Well we worked it out so that she was home during the day and me at night. She had thursdays and sundays off so we had some time as a family every week together.
After awhile, she started going out much more, being short on her income responsibilities,(Tips are very easy to hide, even from your husband.) And hanging out with a new group of friends.
We still got out together as much as we could and still were getting along great, when we saw each other.
But then she had an opportunity to get a job Managing another sports bar, I was leery of this because her hours would go up immensely and she would be home less during the week. I was against it but she took the job anyways and I gave her my support. She did a great job turning the bar business around and I was very proud of her, but she opened up her own checking, and was still never forthcoming with her money, not to mention home much less and I started to become resentful, resentful of the time she was spending away from our family, resentful of the time spent with friends when she could have been home. Then this past December, she called me from home in hysterics that she needed to talk to me, I was in a very important business meeting and she wanted me to leave work and come home, to talk. I couldn't.
I told her that I would come to her work to talk if she needed or I'd take a day off to discuss whatever problems she was dealing with, but after that day, she started fading away. She would start coming home way after close, she would stumble into bed smelling of booze.
She stopped wearing her wedding ring, We began to fight over money as she told me that she needed to be able to have more disposable income for herself. When she was home, she was miserable to the kids and me and slept all of the time. I begged her to go to MC with me but she said that she didnt want to.
Finally, one night in February, I came home from work and my wife told me she had to run into work for awhile, she left and was acting strange, she didnt come home until 3:30 and her bar closes at 2. I called my sister in law the next day b/c we had become close over the years to talk about the situation and found out that her and her husband were at my wife's bar and my wife wasnt there. I called my wife and asked her to tell me the truth.
She said she had been having an emotional affair with someone, and wouldn't tell me who. I asked her to not come home and stay with her parents for awhile while I sorted things out. She did and I cut off contact for two days until, on the third day, she came home in the middle of her shift in tears, she told me that she had been unhappy for a long time and she tried to tell me but I wasn't hearing her. She told me that she wanted to work things out and come back home. She also told me she had broken things off with the OM.
I told her that I wanted full access to all her messaging and email accounts as well as her phone, also got her to agree to MC.
She came home. During this time, she was exhibiting as bad if not worse behavior, not being forthcoming with her phone or passwords, never taking any accountability and blaming me for everything during our counseling sessions. She even no showed one day session.(which I took half day off to attend) b/c she dropped my D3 off at my MIL and went and got drunk with her friend. Our MC decided that my W wasn't participating in the sessions and recommended my W seek IC for her "emotional" issues. During this time my W was attending IC but missing sessions occasionally and we were fighting about her behavior often. I knew what was going on, I just had to prove it. That opportunity came in May.
I was in a meeting at work around 3:30pm when she started blowing up my phone. I stepped out of the meeting and called her back, she said she had therapy at 6pm and wanted to know where my SD14's cellphone was.(I had taken her phone and hid it as a punishment for something the day before).I asked her why, and she said b/c she wanted to go tanning before therapy and wanted SD to have phone in case I wasn't home by the time she left. (I get off around 5 so i get home by 5:30 normally)I told her that I hid it in the basement and I would leave a little early so she could go do what she had to do. She said ok but then called me back 15 minutes later explaining that she wanted to leave sooner cuz she wanted to get gas and coffee and she couldn't find the phone.
I told her where it was exactly and I made up an excuse to leave work, When I pulled down my street, I saw her pull out and head the other way, I knew she didn't see me so I kept a safe distance and followed her all the way to the next town over, watched her park in the street and walk up to a house and go in.
I found an inconspicuous spot to park where I could see the door but wouldn't be noticed. I sat there for the longest 40 minutes of my life as I waited. I watched her come out, holding OM's hand as he walked her to her car, watched them laugh and kiss passionately and watched her drive away. I recognized the guy from pictures on facebook, and he actually talked to me one night while my w and I were out with friends for her birthday(In January), so I knew who he was (A regular at her bar). It took everything in my power not to attack this jerk but I had other things to worry about so I inconspicuously drove away. I called my w and told her I was home and asked her if she got her tanning done. She said yeah and then I told her I had followed her and she tried to lie and say that she borrowed a CD from him and was just returning it, I told her to tell me the truth and she admitted that she had been carrying on this affair since December and had been sleeping with him all along.
I WAS DEVASTATED!!! She told me that she would be leaving the next day and didn't know what else to say. I asked her to end the affair and she told me flat out NO.
The next day she took all her clothes and necessities and was gone by the time I got home from work. May 7th 2015. And so my seperation saga began. I will talk about that saga in my next post.
Last edited by Cadet; 07/04/1509:36 AM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
T14 M5 SD15,D8,S6,D3 "Not Happy" 12/11/14 EA discovered 2/11/15 MC started 2/17/15 MC "put on hold" 4/3/15 W IC started 4/5/15 PA admitted 5/7/15 WW moves out 5/8/15 WW gets her own place 7/15/15
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Sorry for the delay! It has been an interesting couple of weeks, but we will get to that later.
So after my wife left, I called her Mom and told her everything that happened, I explained that I needed her to help me fill in the gaps still on the children. She was more than helpful,I took on the "Going Dark" technique naturally. She was trying to contact me and I ignored her. I knew she was staying at her parents and I was a mess. Finally on Mother's Day she texted me that she was coming to get the kids and I said that was fine. She had a cookout at her mom's house and invited me to which I declined.
When she brought the kids back that evening she wanted to talk about arrangements. She agreed to continue to pay the debt on the van and for her car insurance which is in my name. She also agreed to be at the house at 7:30am m-f to get or stay with the kids until she had to leave for work or I got home.
I asked her why she did it, she told me that I should have treated her better, that he makes her feel good about herself.
After she left, I broke down like a heap. I didn't know what to do. The next week was rough. She called me crying that she has lost everything and her own family won't talk to her. She missed the kids terribly and continued to come take them for a few hours here and there, I was cordial but distant. I missed her terribly but I knew that I couldn't ever trust her again.
Then at the end of May, I talked to W's sister in law who called to check on me. She told me she had talked to W and said that W seemed so remorseful and talked about reconciling. I told her that W had alot...too many changes to make and that I hadn't even considered it.
But it planted a seed, then I did some searching on line and found this site. I ordered the DR and read it cover to cover. It gave me a new perspective. I knew I had to take responsibility for my part in this. I knew I had to better myself..be the spouse she would be a fool to leave.
This is where things start going crazy. I had friend-ed an ex of mine on Facebook (Yes, That Ex) My wife saw it and went crazy, Started texting me that I was just doing it to get back at her and that she knew that Ex and I were meant to be together. She told me that she knows I still love my Ex. All ridiculous of course. I didn't do it out of spite or to make her jealous.
My wife started making comments about me and the ex sleeping together and how she knew I would run to her again when things got tough. ugh.
Then one night my wife asked me to go out for a beer with her, she knew that the kids were staying at my moms house and I picked her up from work and went to a quiet place we always went to. She drank too much of course and got overly emotional, telling me that she is not in love with the OM but she knew that I was once in love with my ex and that she didn't trust me with her heart or know how to be with me anymore.(Because I was friends with someone on Facebook).She told me the OM wanted more from her and was in love with her but she couldn't give him that. She told me that I was the only man she will ever love and she hated what I had done to our marriage.
I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone!
Well she was to drunk to drive so I let her sleep on the couch in our house. In the morning, I went to give her a hug, she kissed me and we had sex. Weird sex, very unattached.
After that, things went more berzerk. She ended up in a fight with her mom and stopped staying there. She almost got fired from her job for drinking while working. She kept telling me that she was in a very dark place. She would come over to see the kids every night she could,(even though she was spending all day with them during the week) which was fine.
She seemed obsessed with them. We even got into it one night b/c she wanted to stay and tuck them in. I told her it wasnt a good idea to break routine and they were adjusting. She left in a huff. I was worried about her. I was hearing stories of her just staying on anybody's couch who would let her. Although she continued to see her therapist, I was watching her spiral.
Then one day the kids asked her to have dinner at home with us and I told her that was fine. She ate with us and we went for ice cream and were having a great time but her mood changed, she said she wasnt feeling well and was gonna go to her moms to lie down, and she left. After the kids were in bed,I let my 15 year old know I was going out for a minute and would be right back. I drove by the OM's house, and her car was there. I lost it. Kept it to myself but was devastated.
Right there, I decided that I would LRT. I did for a week, she texted me every day, would hang around the house when I'd get home from work trying to get me to talk to her. I wouldn't budge. Then one night she started blowing up my phone with calls and texts that she needed to talk and she didn't understand. I texted her the OM speech. OM= No relationship with me, friendship or otherwise. She said she understood.
Didn't hear from her for a couple of days, then one Saturday night a couple of weeks ago, she texts me, "I Kinda Need Sex"
I asked if she was texting the right person. She said yes. I told her that wasn't happening and I dont play second fiddle. She said that she hated this and that she loved me and missed me and wanted to come home so bad. I told her that if that was the case, she had a lot of work to do. She said "I Know" and I love you BFF!
I was not buying any of this. I went on FB and discovered the OM was in VA beach for the weekend.
So the next day, Sunday, she came by to get the kids and said she was really struggling to find a place and that her friend offered to be her roommate cuz her lease was up. I said great, then she asked to borrow some money, I said no and she ignored me the rest of the day.
So after that she had a therapy appointment later in the week, I hadnt heard from her at all but saw on FB that she was "Depressed and walking through the park to clear her head" I started to worry about her again, but stayed LRT. She started leaving before I got home from work and stopped taking the kids on her night off. No texting, No calling. She still was showing up in the morning but often late, making me late for work. She seemed very detatched and distant.
She got a place with her friend finally and is moving in today. She blew off her plans with the kids on Sunday, No call, No Show. She dosn't try to contact me much unless its concerning kids or money. HAHA It's like she is LRTing me now, but I know that she must have decided that the OM is where she wants to be now.
I am not pursuing, LRTing and GAL but I gotta tell you it has been a hard and lonely road and I feel I am going backwards.
That's where I am today.
T14 M5 SD15,D8,S6,D3 "Not Happy" 12/11/14 EA discovered 2/11/15 MC started 2/17/15 MC "put on hold" 4/3/15 W IC started 4/5/15 PA admitted 5/7/15 WW moves out 5/8/15 WW gets her own place 7/15/15
So the last couple of days have been tough. Friday my d8 told me that she had been struggling for a couple of weeks about something and proceeded to tell me that her friend tried to touch her inappropriatly. After calming D8 down and holding her she asked me to call mommy.
I tried but got no answer. A few moments later, I got a text asking what was up. I told her what D8 told me and she freaked out. I expected that b/c my ww was molested as a child by her neighbor. She said she felt sick to her stomach and that I needed to tell D8 that she loved her. D8 made me ask her to come home to see her. I did but ww said she couldnt and she would stop by tomorrow.( Saturday) to talk to her. My d8 was heartbroken. I did the best I could to calm her and d8 slept in my bed.
Saturday, ww came by after work and talked to D8. Ww and myself walked up and talked to d8 friends mom and came back home where ww told the kids she was gonna take them to see the fireworks on Sunday night. There was a homecoming carnival the next town over.
Well sunday am came and i got a text asking me if i wanted to go see the fireworks with them and I just said i didnt want to intrude on her kid time. She said ok. Well......evening came and went. No call...no show. The kids were devastated. I explained that it was raining.(it was lightly all day) and that the fireworks probably got cancelled. D8 said...i dont care about fireworks, i just wanted to see mommy! I texted her telling her that the kids were upset that she stood them up. I got no reply.
Monday: she showed up late of course...i didnt say anything...i just left. When I got home...she was there watching a movie with SD15 while getting ready for work. I was cordial but my house was a mess. After she left, SD15 told me that ww left around 11a to get the keys to her new house she is renting and didnt come back til 3p. Sd15 said the younger kids made the mess and she was having a hard time handling them. I have always had an issue with my Ww leaving the younger kids alone with SD for long periods of time.
Yesterday(tuesday) wife got there on time!!! Yeay! But around 3 ww calls me to tell me the kids are home alone and the power was out in my house. She said she couldnt find anyone to go over there and she was moving stuff into her house. I left work and went home. When I walked in, Sd15 was upset and screaming at the little ones. She told me that ww told her that ww's friend was coming over to watch them but never showed.
My Sd was freaking out and actually pushed my S6 down while arguing with him. I tried to calm her down but she was losing it. I took her cell phone and told her to go upstairs and calm down. Yeah....no. She started trying to take the phone back from me and screaming at me. I went outside and called ww. No answer. She texted "whats up?" I told her to call me immediatly and she did. I told her what was going on but she said she would call me later on to talk about it cuz she was driving a moving truck and couldnt talk."
I went in and sat down with sd15 in her room. She told me she was sick of mommys lies and using her as her babysitter. She said the kids dont listen to her and she dosnt want to do that anymore. I apologized for not being able to help the sutuation. She hugged me and told me that she dosnt want to live with mommy.
Well do you think my wife ever called back to talk about this? Nope.
Today, ww wife showed up on time. I waited for her on the porch and had a stern but loving conversation about how the kids are feeling. She said that she has been busy and that she would talk to them. I told her that none of this situation is their fault and that they need her more than ever. She said she knows. I told her that she could not leave the kids with Sd15 anymore. She said ok and went in the house. I left pretty pissed today.
T14 M5 SD15,D8,S6,D3 "Not Happy" 12/11/14 EA discovered 2/11/15 MC started 2/17/15 MC "put on hold" 4/3/15 W IC started 4/5/15 PA admitted 5/7/15 WW moves out 5/8/15 WW gets her own place 7/15/15
I guess I am at a crossroads. I need to decide if I continue to try DBing or quit and file for D.
T14 M5 SD15,D8,S6,D3 "Not Happy" 12/11/14 EA discovered 2/11/15 MC started 2/17/15 MC "put on hold" 4/3/15 W IC started 4/5/15 PA admitted 5/7/15 WW moves out 5/8/15 WW gets her own place 7/15/15
I guess I am at a crossroads. I need to decide if I continue to try DBing or quit and file for D.
Here is my take on that, filing for D - will get you just what you are asking for divorced. It will not be a tactic with her. You will still have the same exact problems that all of those that go through a divorce will have.
DB'ing is about learning new skills and being able to use them in life. So whether you are divorced, married or anything else you can not avoid learning about DB. If you do you will just cycle back to the start and go through this again later down the road.
I suggest you start with the homework and reading the book.
Well just got a text from Ww saying, " I talked to the kids and made them breakfast., you need eggs btw..lol..busy day today, im sure things will calm down soon." I responded...how do you mean calm down soon?
She said....just between the kids and me
I said...ok
I hope this wasnt seen as pursuing...i just wanted to see what she meant.
T14 M5 SD15,D8,S6,D3 "Not Happy" 12/11/14 EA discovered 2/11/15 MC started 2/17/15 MC "put on hold" 4/3/15 W IC started 4/5/15 PA admitted 5/7/15 WW moves out 5/8/15 WW gets her own place 7/15/15
I do have alot to learn. I have read DR through twice and have read through most if not all of the beginners learning threads. I have not read DB.
I understand that I need to do the DB work to better myself no matter what, but I am just still so in love with my wife. No matter what she does.
I will continue to do the homework for change and put my marriage in God's hands. I dont want a divorce but wont stop her if thats the path she takes.
I can handle alot, but when she hurts the kids, i get really emotional.
T14 M5 SD15,D8,S6,D3 "Not Happy" 12/11/14 EA discovered 2/11/15 MC started 2/17/15 MC "put on hold" 4/3/15 W IC started 4/5/15 PA admitted 5/7/15 WW moves out 5/8/15 WW gets her own place 7/15/15
Hello HurtJef. It sounds like you need to set some hard boundries regarding W visitation with kids. I had a similar situation with my first W and I eventually felt very taken advantage of. Maybe a legal separation with set times to have the children would work for you. It is easy to sit here and opine on your situation and my own is very much a mess but I'm pulling for you and praying for peace in all of our lives.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
