Hi HaWho, sorry that you find yourself here, but welcome. You have been getting some great advice from some of the best so listen and learn.
My advice is to read everything you can about MLC, it really can help make some sense of what to expect from your h. Next thing is don't take anything h says personally and don't believe anything he tells you either - he will say and do anything he pleases, whether to get him out of a sticky situation, whether to try hurt you or just because he can - build armour quickly - it can get very hurtful at times.
Sadly this is the start of a long journey and no ones knows how it will end. All you can do is let your h go on his journey into crazy crisis and focus on yourself and your kids now. Try to do something nice for yourself everyday, even if it is just a walk in the fresh air or a bath, its important you are kind to yourself and look after your mental and physical well being - especially for your kids, they need a stable parent and right now you are it.
HaWho, I really feel for you, you are doing great,hang on in there, look after yourself
Thank you LouR for all your kind words, wonderful advice and your support.
I am working hard to maintain my PMA throughout the alien moments. This is the part of my armor that has too many kinks in it right now. Plus, as you say I am the only stable parent in the home right now and they need the PMA too.
After a few days of peeking his head out (further than he has up to now) H is right back to withdrawing. I see the pattern of this cycle and am getting used to it.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
In AM H seemed to be testing me; I really do think he was trying to pick a fight. He has been very angry and I think he wants a reason to pin it on me. I acted as if and he actually said hello cheerfully-wow!!
Question: I know they test to see if changes are legitimate. Are there other reasons? Any other logic? H really seemed to want me to react and circled back to same issue.
Some good:he was doing some paperwork and instead of doing it in his room he did it in the dining room. He faced out and stayed for a few hours! I played music that I used to listen to in college. It brought me back to such happy days! I also played Monopoly with the kids, then went to movie. Despite the bumpy start, great end. PMA gave me some control!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Should I also sometimes leave without saying anything. It kind of feels like playing games or doing the whole tit for tat thing? I would never normally behave this way. Some advise this as a 180/adding mystery, I know. Thoughts?
No! If you enjoy having him keeping you informed of his whereabouts, then you do the same.
But, continue giving him time and space... LOTS!
Do this and he'll be less likely to leave, and more likely to maintain connection with you.
You sound like you are in very good shape, considering what's going on with your H and M. Good for you!
Last edited by ForeverYoung; 07/04/1505:40 AM.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I have gone back and read some about your sitch. Like you, my S is also in the house. Seems to be rare in the MLC world!
I laugh out loud at a lot of your posts. Love the idea of getting drunk at w's work event and explaining the sitch at home!
We were at the beach w/kids and others yesterday. We drove separately. When H went to leave on his own, one of the guys said "you guys drove separately?!?" Traffic and parking are a nightmare this time of year. It was embarrassing. I left H to flub through an answer.
Wish I could've just said: oh, H is having his MLC right now. Anyone else in MLC can carpool down with him!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Need to vent and have parenting through MLC question. As I am making a nice 4th of July breakfast H just decides to leave for a walk!
I ask casually: should we wait for you or eat without you? He asks: what are you making? When I answer he says "nah" and leaves.
Unfortunately children are in the room. Lord, after they watch this all for years I wonder if they will consider this all normal social/marital behavior? I feel like I am giving them a doormat 101 tutorial. Anyone out there living with MLCer and kids have advice on how to handle this with kids?
Gotta LOVE the selfishness of MLC. I wonder if the planet will ever stop revolving around him?
Going on cheerfully "as if/PMA" with my kids.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Ok - fell of my PMA/as if perch today. So hard to keep this up with MLCer in home.
H came back from walk as kids and I were clearing dishes from 4th of July brunch. I wanted to get out the door for a walk with kids and dog before he returned but he came back quicker than expected. I was still mad when he returned. Just wanted to get away from him.
As he came in he said he did not realize I was making a breakfast. He thought I was just making english muffins? I don't know if I buy that. There were cooking items spread out on the counter. But with his fog who knows what he sees in his parallel universe.
As kids said we were taking dog out he said: ok I'll come. I really did not want him to as I was still mad about breakfast. Wish I had just bowed out.
He was waiting for me outside. I think it was his way of apologizing. I should have walked with him, even if in silence. But instead I walked ahead. Not mature on my part & missed 180 opportunity.
Toward end of walk he mentioned something to one of the kids and I interjected. Should have just kept my mouth shut. We seemed to be working through it. He asked me to calm down. I did feel really worked up inside--need to recognize that and control it better-a 180 I need to do.
Then I brought up breakfast. He said I should have told him I was making it. I said I did but he said that I only did so as he was walking out the door. I insisted he must have seen the cooking items spread out on the counter. He says he didn't. I said "then you should get your eyes checked." Not my proudest moment. He was quiet. We went back and forth a little. Mostly calm & he told me it was no big deal. I thought: easy for him to say as he WAS NOT the one working to make a nice breakfast.
I shot a passive aggressive truth dart saying "yeah well if it had been x and y (his two new regressive MLC friends) you sure would have been there." He came home and went in his room. No shocker there.
BUT: after 20 mins. he came out and hung out with us for an hour! I made him a cup of tea and he made me and the kids a smoothie. As he made me the smoothie he joked "do you want gin or vodka in it?" I said "both!"
This is a 180 for both of us as usually we held onto things for too long and gave too much silent treatment. See where I need to work. But, it was HUGE that we moved past it so quickly. If he makes it out of MLC and this part stays, I welcome this new aspect!!!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I can imagine it's tough with him in the house. I think it's great that you are recognizing your own behaviors and reactions that you want to change. It sounds like you still have a lot of expectations from him
Imagine how you would speak to him if he were a roommate or neighbor. You wouldn't take it as a personal affront that he skipped breakfast-- because you likely wouldn't have been making it for him. And you wouldn't have brought it up later.
Something my coach told me that I thought was great advice was to ask myself if my actions are more likely to draw him closer or push him away? It seems like you are doing a lot of pushing.
Can I ask how you feel like a doormat? It's an honest question that I think is worth exploring. I think it's great you responded to him attempt at getting past the conflict. Perhaps wanting to go for a walk with you was another attempt at that-- you weren't ready for it. And he tried again! I see a bunch of positives. Can you see them too?
It sounds like he wants a bit of space and less expectations/pressure... can you give him that?
Hi Claire - nice to meet you and thanks for chiming in.
I do see the positives. I saw them as they were happening. I know that I should have reacted differently at the onset of the walk. I also need to lower my expectations to zero and REALLY think of him as a house guest. My DB coach told me the same.
Why do I feel like a doormat? That is a very good question. Since BD I have been parenting by myself for quite a while, like those of us with kids do. In the last few weeks he has again started to realize that there are children in the house! I know this is a VERY positive turnaround. But, these last few months, where I have been parenting by myself have reminded me of when my kids were young where I also shouldered most of the child rearing myself. H supported us very well but raising the kids, bathing them, diapering them, etc. was all my job, even on weekends. It was extreme by anyone's standards. I recognize now that he was immature and didn't grow up enough to do the things he didn't feel like doing. And I put up with it. It makes sense he needs to have his MLC and that I have resentment.
As kids grew older he was better. He wanted us to spend more time together as a married couple. We did. Deep down it just felt to me like too little too late. I tried to talk to him about it on several occasions but he could admit no fault whatsoever. So I held onto that resentment because he has never truly validated me on this issue. A few months ago it came up again in conversation as he was in the fog and he told me he was "flawed" in this area. That is the closest he has ever come to acknowledging it.
Those were rewarding yet hard, lonely years. I felt everything was on his terms and here again, it's everything on his terms. His MLC, his need for time and space. Blah, blah, blah.
Oddly the day turned around. We took the kids out and had a nice day. The kids wanted to do different things and one child asked if I could take one to do "x" and while H could take the other child to do "y." A month ago H was suggesting this sort of thing ALL the time. I thought he would jump all over it today. But today H said "no, why break up the band?"
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
