First, no R talks. None. Not even hints or questions. None.
Second, no snooping. Even if you find something out, what are you going to do? Tell her and she'll blast you for snooping. You clearly want to know and control her. She is clearly telling you she will leave you if you can't stop. So you just need to stop. Get out if you need to, until you can control yourself.
She wants someone who is strong and consistent during a time when she is weak and struggling. You are falling apart, and it is not attractive. Again, get out and visit friends or something if you can't keep it together. Better to be absent than continue to show her that you are having trouble handling things.
You are your own worst enemy right now. Almost all of us have been there. So, don't think you're some exception and a failure. You haven't killed it, but you do need to stop doing all of the above right a way.
Yes. I have mastered the snooping. I don't do it. I don't even want to know anymore. What would it help?
These R talks, they start with just a tiny hint of a question and then take off in crazy directions and last WAY too long. I can't even ask the little questions. Have to just kill that completely.
Showing strength. I need to know what that looks like. What does a "strong" person do? What actions? How do they appear strong? Even when I am dying inside I want to put on a strong appearance.
Perhaps I take a cue from my wife. She is setting the tone for our interaction by removing herself. I could have done that. Only, we are in the same house with 2 kids. How do I show similar strength? What are ways that I can demonstrate strength since to this point I have failed to do so?
Strong person GAL, doesn't beg or pursue, doesn't start up R talk, respects her wish for space, and is consistent. Not the stereotype of strong, but someone who doesn't appear needy and can keep getting what needs to be done during a painful time. Think of it as her wondering if she can count on you when the sh*t hits the fan. It is hitting it hard and she wants to see you stand up in the moment and do what is necessary, including doing the things you don't really want to do (like stop wooing her).
The R talk coming from little things is why I said there can be none. You need to go cold turkey. Again, if you need a few days away to gain that kind of control, do it. No matter what she says, you are not to ask about the R, talk about the future together, or anything. That is going to be number one on your agenda right now.
Good luck. I know it's hard.
I think online EA activity is accelerating. It used to be that happened behind closed doors but the phone is now with her always. Reading something, texting back, putting the phone down quickly & face down. Right when she is sitting there with me! She always has an excuse ready for someone safe that she is talking to. The phone is in her pocket, goes in the bathroom, always by her side.
I really hope she does not cross the threshold into a PA with someone. I really really hope. I am working as hard as I can but it takes time. During that time I have to watch this happen?
Last edited by Last; 07/03/1501:53 AM.
Me: 39 W: 38 T-18yrs M-13yrs 2 Girls: 10 & 3 EA BD 5/24/15 Separate Bedrooms 6/12/15 PA BD 7/3/15 Separate Residence 8/8/15
Good. Don't make her use those "someone safe" she is talking to by not showing the least interest. You have to act like you are not her spouse right now. Nothing that smacks of restricting her freedom, checking up on her, and nothing that makes her lie to you. You know you won't get truthful answer, so don't press that sore.
Try to look at it as an outside observer. Carrying your phone around with you and acting like she does is very childish. It shows you someone who is not in a happy place and is desperate to not feel that. It can help, as it brings out sympathy rather than resentment, and it doesn't feel so much like a bitter rejection when you see it for the behavior it is. That isn't to say you get smug and judgemental, just that this is a lot about her bad emotional state than that you are somehow not good enough. It helps you to stop trying to show her you are good enough, when you know that this isn't really what it is about and therefore can't help your sitch.
Keep up the good work.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Good. Don't make her use those "someone safe" she is talking to by not showing the least interest. You have to act like you are not her spouse right now. Nothing that smacks of restricting her freedom, checking up on her, and nothing that makes her lie to you. You know you won't get truthful answer, so don't press that sore.
Try to look at it as an outside observer. Carrying your phone around with you and acting like she does is very childish. It shows you someone who is not in a happy place and is desperate to not feel that. It can help, as it brings out sympathy rather than resentment, and it doesn't feel so much like a bitter rejection when you see it for the behavior it is. That isn't to say you get smug and judgemental, just that this is a lot about her bad emotional state than that you are somehow not good enough. It helps you to stop trying to show her you are good enough, when you know that this isn't really what it is about and therefore can't help your sitch.
Keep up the good work.
Ok I WAS doing good, until I saw her getting dressed in hot black lace lingerie to go meet her girlfriends for a drink. Now I am getting a little edgy.
Ladies...Give me a good reason a woman that never wears lingerie would put it on to go meet girlfriends for drinks??!!
Me: 39 W: 38 T-18yrs M-13yrs 2 Girls: 10 & 3 EA BD 5/24/15 Separate Bedrooms 6/12/15 PA BD 7/3/15 Separate Residence 8/8/15
I am so sorry for your pain, lost. How did you interact with her when she came home from her "night out"? Did you confront her about what you know?
It's time to change your game plan just a bit, but first, take time to regroup. Today will not be the happiest of birthdays, but you may be able to prevent it becoming worse, First however, if you can tell us if she knows that you know it went PA.
Please do not engage in any R discussions at the moment. Get alone to regroup and so you can communicate with the board before doing anything else.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am so sorry for your pain, lost. How did you interact with her when she came home from her "night out"? Did you confront her about what you know?
It's time to change your game plan just a bit, but first, take time to regroup. Today will not be the happiest of birthdays, but you may be able to prevent it becoming worse, First however, if you can tell us if she knows that you know it went PA.
Please do not engage in any R discussions at the moment. Get alone to regroup and so you can communicate with the board before doing anything else.
Confronted and admitted. The desk clerk called her when I asked directions to her room. So, she knows I know and called me on my way home. What followed was a tearful reckoning over 3 hours last night. She started very sad and contrite, willing to go NC with OM immediately, willing to go to MC with me on Thursday. But already in the light of day she is backing off that and saying that she wants to wait to decide on NC after talking to therapist.
I am very close to abandoning DBing. The level of deceit that she engaged in to get to that tryst, standing in that room... It was all so horrible.
I thought we had about a 20% shot before. Now it's about 2%. I welcome your advice.
Me: 39 W: 38 T-18yrs M-13yrs 2 Girls: 10 & 3 EA BD 5/24/15 Separate Bedrooms 6/12/15 PA BD 7/3/15 Separate Residence 8/8/15
Take time to yourself and breathe. Think through all of this and make a clear headed decision on what you want to do next, and if it's worth it to even try.
Regardless of what you decide about whether you want to try and save this, the action is the same. No contact, detach, PMA, and STFU.
Remember, your actions and words from here on "can and will be used against you in a court of law". Everything you do, and the decisions you make should be for you and your children's future.
This is tough. I'm right there with you. Talk to an attorney, and educate yourself on the legal process, regardless of which way you eventually go.
You can't change her, but it's time to start driving the car/steering the ship.
And no MC in my opinion. Others may disagree with me on this. She's having an A. The M is over/unsavable as it stands now. She needs to make a full, concerted effort and take the steps necessary to prove the A is over.
