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Dif, thanks for sharing. I've read this article in the past but I needed to read it again. Important things to understand with that article even if we hear bits of it all the time. I'll have to regularly reread this when the process starts to get me down,just like the lighthouse story.


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Thanks for the article highlight Dif, lots of gems in there about the real work of true love. I agree that soul mates aren't found, or maybe they are but they bring with them the opportunity for even more work than we bargain for.


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Four years ago today, my W and I were in Thessaloniki, the last day of three spent in Greece. As the evening turned to night, we were enjoying ourselves with her cousin and a bunch of friends in an outdoor bar on the banks of the Aegean sea. The financial crisis (which just keeps getting worse) was all around us, but that doesn't stop the Greeks from enjoying their libations!

As we traveled on that trip to nine countries, I wanted to be sure to have the authentic food and drink experiences of each place we visited. So while in Greece, I had a little ouzo at every meal. Mind you, there are two kinds of ouzo in Greece - the "female" ouzo, which has an anise flavor and is fairly mild - and the "male" ouzo... which is, well, a bit stronger.

I'd been handling the "female" ouzo with no problem the whole trip, but this night when I ordered it, they brought out the high test stuff. Even with it being a bit stronger, it goes down easy.

Way too easy.

Enjoying our political and intellectual conversations around the table, I ordered a second.

My W's cousin, who lives in Greece, said to my W... "umm, Dif probably shouldn't have that second ouzo." My W didn't think anything of it, and didn't try to stop me.

Well, she should have. There comes a time where my memory completely fails me, because I passed out on the sidewalk as soon as we left the restaurant. My W tells the story of what happened next in such a way that has everyone who hears it rolling on the floor in laughter. But in all seriousness, that woman literally carried me through the streets of Thessaloniki that night, got me to vomit so I would come out of my stupor, and tucked me safely into bed.

I woke at 5am and had it slowly dawn on me that I couldn't remember the night before. I looked over at my W and asked what happened, and she told me how scared she was, and how happy she was that I was okay. We had a five hour drive back to Pristina. She covered me with a blanket in the car and kept checking to make sure I was okay. Back at her apartment, she took the day off from work and just took care of me the whole time.

"I don't know what I'd do if anything ever happened to you, babe. I love you so much."

Her love was self-sacrificial - I mean, I guess any partner would do what she did, but maybe not with such love and forgiveness. I posted a funny comment about it on Facebook this morning, since many of my friends love the story. I hope she sees it and is reminded we have a history, and within that history, she loved me - and as opposed to affair love, REALLY loved me - very much.


Me: 46 Her: 41
M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18
3/26 W and I meet OW
BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring
W goes to stay with OW 6/26
NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16
I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
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Diff,

Hold on to that memory...that is love that W showed during the Greece trip. It is a validation what you had together is authentic love.

Thanks for posting the Cliff notes of the article.

Cadet, would you please cut and paste that article to create a link for your welcome post to newbies. We all could use that as an affirmation that A's are not real and doomed from the get go. Thanks! smile

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Dif, awesome story. I wouldn't mind having some of that ouzo right now.

I agree with Wonka, hold onto that memory as authentic love. What shes having with OW right now is just a symptom of her own problems. It will never compare to real authentic love in the long run.


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Wonka and Fogg, yes... I'm holding onto the authentic love. I still have it for her. And no matter what happens, I suspect I always will. Authentic love might change, but it doesn't die.

And Fogg, you can have the ouzo. I'm never touching the stuff again!


Me: 46 Her: 41
M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18
3/26 W and I meet OW
BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring
W goes to stay with OW 6/26
NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16
I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
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Wow - what a great article. I get it too - affairs are kids stuff - things that sullen teenagers do. It's so freaking sad.

I too had a similar story of w on our last trip to Hawaii. She got overheated on the beach and just barely could make it to the car a long way back from the beach. She threw up all over herself. I had to lug all of our stuff back to the car, get the kids in the car, crank up the a/c, drive us back to out room, helped her into bed, washed her down with a washcloth and washed off her face and hair. She kept saying thank you - I don't know what I would do without you. I got her ginger ale to drink and pointed the fans on her.

I just said hey, it's ok - it's why I'm here , go to sleep and you will feel better. Once she woke up of course she felt better.

I didn't give that a second thought. That's what love is. She had done that for me a hundred times before as well. That's what real love is. Love is giving and expecting nothing in return. Enduring love. Real love.

Such a good article- thanks for posting. It really resonated with me.

Have a good fourth Diff


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Yeah, it is a great article guys, no?

I've already referred to it a few times today myself. I spent the night at my friend's last night, and it's clear my W did not spend the night here last night, either. I know the OW has the day off, and it's a rainy day that they are likely spending together at her house, doing the things that, well, new lovers do. As I recall from the email exchange earlier this week about my W's irritation at "having" to go to a dinner hosted by the boys tonight, she was lamenting that she couldn't spend the whole day with her.

Of course, that's her fantasy life - all the great sex and just soaking up each other's company. This lasts how long again? A few months? Because if she'd spent this rainy day here with me, she'd be on the computer working the whole time. So would I. Had it been just a few months ago, we'd be moving toward our Friday night routine... getting close to the time when I'd open a bottle of wine and she'd start making pizza, and we'd enjoy a family (or a just the two of us) dinner on the porch enjoying the rain before coming inside to settle on the couch and watch something on TV.

The affair scenario sounds exciting, but it doesn't last. The routine has been ours for years, and I wonder when the first Friday comes that she'll miss it. I'm hoping maybe, even just a little bit, she'll miss it today.

Heading off for that dinner in just a few... although we've agreed to meet at a local pub instead of going to the boys' house. I am really hoping I say and do the right things, and leave her with just enough of a nostalgic twinge that it disrupts the rest of the night with the OW. This means: no fighting!!! I just have to be charming and self-assured.

I can do this...


Me: 46 Her: 41
M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18
3/26 W and I meet OW
BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring
W goes to stay with OW 6/26
NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16
I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
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And... I did it. smile

Had a pleasant dinner, she hardly even looked at her cell phone. Hardly. I let my leg brush up against hers several times and got no resistance. She mentioned something about the grocery shopping she did the yesterday, and I went ahead and caressed her bare leg (she was wearing sorts) as I looked her square in the eye and thanked her. No resistance at all.

She told me all about her business, then told a story about one seller who noticed she didn't have a wedding ring on her finger and wanted to know if she was "available." She said no, and I was a bit irritated by the obvious reference to her "ring-less" finger. But my older son later said he wanted to ask, "Yeah, where is your wedding ring, anyway?" Funny guy...

So at the end of the dinner, I went with her to her car because she had the mailbox key in it, and we needed it. She looked up at me and asked if I needed anything. I never know how to answer that, so thankfully she got a phone call while sitting there and it began to rain, so I sat in the passenger's seat. When she got off, she mentioned a few things about finances and gave me a not unkind look, saying, "Babe, we just can't stay in this house anymore."

I smiled back (knowing that we could, if we wanted to), and said, "I wish that when I start this job next week, I could just dump my paychecks right into our account and pay for the lions' share of everything. After all, that was my plan."

She looked into the distance for a minute and said, "I know, I'm sorry."

"In fact," I said as I got out of the car, "I had the whole plan worked out. It could have been so simple."

She smirked a bit and said, "Really???"

I smiled back, winked at her, and said, "Yep, really. Have a good night." And closed the door.

And... that was it.

The boys just came back from the store with some gelato and are going to crash here on the sofas tonight... I can't say I'm disappointed! I doubt WW will come home at all, but it doesn't matter. In a few, I'm off to meet with the neighbor who is looking for a roommate, as this might be the best interim living option for me right now.

Hoping some seeds were planted tonight... even if that's not supposed to be my concern. smile


Me: 46 Her: 41
M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18
3/26 W and I meet OW
BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring
W goes to stay with OW 6/26
NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16
I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
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Posts: 541
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After I got home tonight, I texted my W to see if she would be coming home at all this weekend... so I know whether or not I should bolt the front door. She responded... hours later... to tell me she is going "out of town" and won't be sleeping here till Monday.

She's not going "out of town." She's sleeping at the OW's house. Which she's done several nights this week anyway, and which I have wondered why she hasn't done more often.

Irritates me on the one hand, but I'm glad on the other. Spend all that time together, please! Crash and burn...

I texted back, admittedly with a bit of snarkiness, "Enjoy your time out of town (or rather, at least, out of the bounds of Raleigh city taxation).

(I know the OW's house is in this district, since they just sold it, and my W can't stop telling me these sorts of things.)

Eh... I am such a great example of someone who isn't perfect, and especially who isn't perfect when it comes to DB.

But all in all, I got the sense something was a bit off with her today. In a good way, for me...

Patience...


Me: 46 Her: 41
M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18
3/26 W and I meet OW
BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring
W goes to stay with OW 6/26
NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16
I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
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