My wife is leaving me after 15 years. I have beaten cancer but the recovery is also very tough. I have read DB and DR and have done my best to implement the steps laid out therein. Also have read Sandi's rules and many of her posts. GAL has been challenging with the cancer and treatment. I'm not looking so much for pity as I am words of encouragement.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you Cadet. I've been reading these posts for a year now. Everything seems to be spot on. Read MWD's books a year ago. My wife is in therapy and I am as well although we have not gone together.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thank you. I am familiar with much of the advice here and as far as I know W does not know of this site. I did break one of Sand's rules in the midst of my cancer treatment and talked to the one sister of mine that can't keep her mouth shut and word got back to W. Of course with very bad results. Still love my sister though!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Very sorry you are here. I'm a two-time cancer survivor, and I had a rough treatment about a year before my W had her wake up to realize she wasn't happy and that I wasn't giving her what she needs. It definitely is one piece/trigger for her fleeing.
Are you still under treatment that impacts your health and daily life? Are you finding other support?
Keep posting. You'll get a lot of support & help.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Hi asitis. My treatment ended late April. PET scan was all clear and very good news. My biggest physical challenge at this point is having lost so much strength and having no stamina. Also starting new job to make sure of having insurance coverage when and if D comes. I have a big family that is very supportive and loving. Interestingly we have all had trouble in our marriages in the last couple of years. We have had four divorces, two separations and another likely separation. Our children have hit their teen years and that seems to be when the mid-life issues come into play. I have a new found respect for the people fighting cancer and I hope you are doing well in your fight. It is certainly very hard on families and caregivers.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Had a huge fight over dividing our assets. The first fight we ever had that didn't involve my two children from previous marriage. I have never seen her so venomous. Definitely helps to detach from her to see so much hatred in her eyes.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Welcome to the group, Shotgun. Prayers for your continued recovery and health, and of course, for your marriage.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Thank you for the prayers DifRent. I am fighting to get back to pre-cancer health by running and working out. It is certainly a very long and hard road back. I do plan to run a 5k by Fall. I ran 1.75 miles this morning very slowly. Have to start somewhere!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Does anyone have advice on detachment? I have read as much as I can on the detachment thread but it is the hardest thing for me to do. Maybe it is for everyone here as well.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Tonight is my first real attempt to GAL since learning of my cancer. My wife invited me to go to the fireworks but some friends had already invited me to a 4th of July party. Very hard to do but even though I don't feel as good as I would like, I know that I have to soldier on!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
I'm glad you have a goal on doing the 5K. It really helped to get back in shape. I lifted weights before, and after my chemo, I was back to beginner weights and struggling to keep from vomiting. When I got back to body weight on squats, I knew I had crossed a major hurdle.
On detachment, one of the best things is to focus on you and GAL activities. Making yourself happy and healthy allows you to be less reactive to the things your W does and says.
Having a list of reminders like: I can't fix her, I can only fix myself; remember not to believe most of what she says and a lot of what she does [I don't like the 100% on what she says, as there is usually a nugget in there worth considering]; patience is the best predictor of success; often doing nothing is the best thing you can do; she is hurting, scared, and angry, so what she says is more about her than me; etc.
It just helps to remind yourself of these over and over and over. Re-read Sandi2's 37 rules regularly.
When you feel triggered by something your W does or says, come here and vent about it and get advice first.
And, just because it is so important, again, the focus needs to shift to yourself and figuring out what will make you happy outside of the M.
Good luck.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Thank you asitis. I am completely starting from the beginning on the weights. I had put an inch on my chest and a half inch on my arms and lost three inches off of my waist before my cancer diagnosis. Now I can barely do ten push-ups. As I regain my health I believe I will be able to rebuild a social life and begin to detach from W. After a year and a half of hearing about all of my shortcomings I am starting to see that she has a few too. I guess there is just no easy way to detach.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Sorry I should have said four divorces, three separations, and another likely separation. I could add the passing of the family matriarch, my grandmother to the pain my family has had to face. Maybe it only gets better from here!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Today I am shopping for an attorney. I feel that I need some information about dividing assets and custody arrangements and support. Certainly not what I want to happen but I must protect myself. W says she needs to live alone for a few months to see if she wants to be away from me. It's so shocking to be at this point.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
I'd ask you if you really want to save this M, given your W's behavior when you most needed her support. I know a lot of people run when something comes up that is really threatening, especially the fear of losing a S or facing their own mortality. Still, is your heart still in this given her behavior during your struggles w/ cancer?
Do you have IC? A lot of issues for you to work on within and without the M.
Use the space & time to explore your feelings on this M.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Thank you asitis. I do have an IC. Not sure where I would be without her. A lot of what I have done in there involves the cancer. She has also helped me to recognize that W is just not into our M at this point. Hard medicine to swallow. I guess I'm like a lot of people here trying to hang on and hope for the best. So much of what Michele has written in DB and DR are effective in drawing W back to me but perhaps there has just been too much water under the bridge.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Spent the evening backing on guitar my s13 who is a musician while he played the mandolin and sang some old Carter songs. It really took my mind off of the sorrow of a failed marriage.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Met with therapist for an hour tonight. She said that I have to wait one year after the divorce to start dating. Not sure I can do that one.
Probably a better litmus test on dating: are you doing it because you are lonely and need someone? Bad idea. If W said she wanted to reconcile, would you drop OW and come running back? Bad idea.
Don't rush things, but at a certain point, you'll likely start getting a sense that someone is interesting to you. At that point you can start doing all the self-examination to see if you are ready to jump back into the pool. No sense worrying about that kind of thing until it happens.
For now, just heed your therapist: you won't be able to have a healthy relationship for a while, so avoid the temptation and focus on healing and where you want to take your life.
Besides, you'll be surprised how fast a year goes by and you have no idea where you're feelings will be at that point.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Fifteen years ago today I started a new life with a girl that I truly loved. Now my heart is broken. Not sure if I will buy flowers or not.
If you buy flowers, buy them for yourself, not for your W who left you while you were struggling through cancer treatment. Don't pursue.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Thank you asitis. I am incredibly lonely. I'm trying to fill some of my time alone with work, friends and family. Our family has had so much turmoil that there are a few of us with alone time on our hands. Trying to get into a routine of hanging with my sisters. It's the human contact that I miss and missed during my cancer treatment.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Ran 1 and 3/4 miles this morning. Did a plank for 60 seconds. Didn't have the strength to do another. I'm going in the right direction physically. A twenty minute workout is also twenty minutes that I don't think about my troubles. For those twenty minutes it all seems like an ancient nightmare and my family is intact and I never had cancer. Then I remove my shirt and see the scars and am reminded that it is all real and I must fight through the pain and rebuild my shattered life. Starting new job Monday and should be plenty busy and distracted.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
One of my early fears was, who will want to get serious with a 50 yr-old divorced man who has had 2 cancers, one of which is almost certain to recur every 5-10 years, 2 young kids who are his first priority, and so on. I saw myself as broken, at least in terms of my attractiveness as a potential romantic partner. Then there is the how will I be able to let anyone into my heart enough to make a good partner.
Trust me, especially as you work on yourself, these fears start to pass. You start to see yourself as someone who is capable of having much healthier relationships & who is more attractive than so many of the other men in your age range who are facing the same thing but haven't done the work.
There are two other things to try in the mean time with regard to the loneliness. First, don't look just for people you can spend time, but for activities or groups you'd like to get involved with. What interests do you have that you could connect with others who share that interest. What things have you always wanted to do, or now that you have the freedom of time to experiment, sound interesting? What did you do when you were younger, but gave up due to the realities of work and family obligations? Are you at all a spiritual person? Is there a divorce support group in your area? Start looking at your surrounding area with that new openness to opportunities to do things with others.
Besides the human contact, if you are doing things that interest you, you are more likely to be attractive to others, because you will be happier and more fulfilled, and you will slowly (or quickly depending on your inclinations and introversion/extroversion) make friends around those shared interests. As you expand your network of friends and acquaintances, you will meet more people through them. And, when it comes time to dip your toe back in the dating pool, you will have both that network of people who know you are available and activities where you will meet women who share at least some common interest.
The second thing, is work on the feeling alone, the fear of being alone, and the feelings that to be happy you need to have a close romantic relationship to fill some void. This is work that probably is best done in therapy, and between the cancer and relationship problems is just a small chunk of the emotions you have to work on in therapy, but it is worth bringing this up with a therapist so that they can help you work through them.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Thanks again asitis. It certainly feels as if my life is starting over completely from scratch. There are many things I would like to do more of. Most of which I couldn't get the cooperation of my wife or maybe it was permission that I was waiting for. The few activities that I hung on to were very much masculine in nature (shooting, hunting fishing) and facilitate very little female interaction. Would like to be more involved with counseling cancer patients and the local symphony and theater. I do hate the thought and feeling of being alone. Your point is taken about working on myself and developing an ability to have healthy relationships. The hardest thing for me to figure out is why I struggle so much in a marriage when every other relationship I have is so easy. Perhaps it's the type of girl I fall for. Through my cancer I came to realize just how many people cared for and loved me. It became an overwhelming feeling to accept all of the phone calls, cards and letters from so many people. I know that I must work out whatever it is that leaves me shorthanded in a marital relationship.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Thanks again asitis. It certainly feels as if my life is starting over completely from scratch. There are many things I would like to do more of. Most of which I couldn't get the cooperation of my wife or maybe it was permission that I was waiting for. The few activities that I hung on to were very much masculine in nature (shooting, hunting fishing) and facilitate very little female interaction. Would like to be more involved with counseling cancer patients and the local symphony and theater. I do hate the thought and feeling of being alone. Your point is taken about working on myself and developing an ability to have healthy relationships. The hardest thing for me to figure out is why I struggle so much in a marriage when every other relationship I have is so easy. Perhaps it's the type of girl I fall for. Through my cancer I came to realize just how many people cared for and loved me. It became an overwhelming feeling to accept all of the phone calls, cards and letters from so many people. I know that I must work out whatever it is that leaves me shorthanded in a marital relationship.
You never know on the hunting and fishing...
The struggling with M is partly that we are sold a load of cr*p about romantic relationships and bring all sorts of expectations into the R that we don't into other Rs. Further there is a level of intimacy, mutual interdependence, and the vows that are missing from our other relationships. The fact that you can take a time out from a friend, and that it is about mutual pleasure without the day to day mundane work and the feeling of being bound to each other, that make the friendship a lot easier. It may be a lesson about how you want a future romantic relationship to be: more space for each of you, fewer habits that underline the obligation/vows (like asking where the other will be, what they are doing, having expectations that they will be a certain way or do a certain thing because it is expected of them) and more of the focus on the mutual pleasure of friendship. Anyway, something to explore with a therapist and learn from so that you can do it better in the future.
I know the feeling on being overwhelmed by the support. Sometimes you just want to not have to be so grateful and play a role of thanking people and saying over and over and over how you are doing and feeling. If that is what happened with you, think about why you felt the need to play that role. Why not ask for what you really needed, thanks, but it would really help me not to have to discuss over and over how I'm doing. It doesn't mean I don't appreciate everything, just that I'm really struggling with having to keep going over something that is very painful to me to live through. So, I'd rather hear what's going on in your life...
Good idea on counseling cancer patients. That will both give some positive meaning to your pain and struggle around cancer, and one of the secrets to happiness is helping others. And, you will meet lots of interesting people who will be open to making personal connections in ways only the vulnerable can. Getting that contact from lots of people is a good way to not load too much of that need onto one person, as we often do in our romantic relationships. You may find that is one of your answers to being "shorthanded in a marital relationship."
Sounds like you have some good ideas on the GAL front to get started on. Next step is to take the initiative to find the opportunities. On the cancer support, just contact the center where you received treatment. They will know about the groups doing support and opportunities (they likely will have some need themselves that may not be exactly what you were thinking but would be a good start and way to find something more along the lines of what you'd like to do). The symphony & theater should be easy too, as they will have someone who coordinates volunteers, unless they are totally disorganized. Figure out which one you want to start with, and then set a deadline for when you will make that first call.
Cheers.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Could someone explain why my wife is so angry in light of her taking control of her life in a new home in another town suddenly able to take the journey to "find herself"? She is sweet and loving until we have a disagreement about dividing assets or household items or discussing her move out and then this venomous unrecognizable personality comes out and points out every shortcoming I have and every time I put my needs in front of hers. Is it her genuine anger or is she using it to get me to cave in to her out of guilt for my marital failures?
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Any number of reasons, but one huge potential reason is that she has to cast you in the role of the bad guy to justify her doing something that is deeply painful and which she is ashamed of. In our society women are socialized to see themselves as responsible for managing relationships. They are judged on their worth based on their ability. Not only is her M failing, but she is the one walking away from a vow that almost every little girl is trained even today that this is one of her life's biggest dreams and accomplishments. That's a lot of baggage to be saddled with. In that kind of situation, there can be a lot of protecting oneself from the slings and arrows of self, friends and family, and society, as well as hurt that she couldn't have that dream and is a failure in her own eyes and society's.
She also may be hurt that you seem to be getting on without her rather or seeming to do OK while she is still a wreck inside.
Some people come to grips with it and let go of the anger. Others, unfortunately never do. Not returning the anger, listening and validating and detaching, etc. are the best things you can do to help her be the former and not the latter, but ultimately it will be up to her.
So, while it feels very personal, and there are certainly some real reasons for anger towards you, a lot of the reasons are not about you and not personal.
Now, it also could be a negotiating strategy, as well.
Either way, not biting the hook is the best way forward. Lots of STFU smoothies are in your future for a while, unfortunately. IC and support network, as well as other means to healthily vent are good to have in your plan.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
It is just so strange. Her Mother is still angry at her Dad after twenty five years of being divorced and both having remarried. The tough part for me is knowing that I will have to deal with this angry ex for the rest of my life. Hopefully in the end there will be peace for her because number one she deserves it and number two if she ain't happy ain't nobody happy in her world.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
I sat and read the information and the threads on here over the last seven months and I was just to sick to implement anything as far as GAL but over the last few weeks I have started to run and work out again. While I am very weak and my stamina is very diminished I am improving and the best benefit is the peace that a really good workout brings. So many impart that wisdom to the folks who are suffering from the problems in their marriage and I am here to attest to how well it works. I'm also going out a day or two a week and reconnecting with some old friends. Amazing how they have allowed me to jump right back in with them after so many years apart. Running two miles now so I am 2/3 of the way to my goal of running a 5k.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
So out of the blue this morning W calls. Wanting to know how I have been. Her friend had seen me at the gym and W wanted to know how that was going. The honest answer was that I am a train wreck and my body is in excruciating pain. My response was that I am doing fine and my body feels great. Informed her of having found a picture she was looking for. Would like to know why she would further confuse me when I am trying so hard to detach and move on.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Spending the weekend with s13 putting a new roof on our camper. Got the rubber in place just before a heavy downpour. The cold rain felt amazing after having completely soaked myself in sweat. After a shower we went to a pub and had a cheeseburger and fish & chips. This GAL thing is going to save me! So thankful for that lesson learned from the kind folks who post on this website.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Thank you Cadet. I've been trying to DB for over a year with a seven month respite while battling this illness. I struggled early on as W kept changing her story and keeping me off balance. In early November she informed me that we had worked things out and she was committed to the R. I know don't believe anything they say.......... By December I was fighting cancer. I have very few memories of that time period (kind of a blessing) but do have a few memories of some very abusive behavior by W. It's probably much too late to save this marriage but I am definitely feeling better about myself and my 180's have made me much more independent. I'll never allow myself to become dependent on my wife or anyone else in the future. The toughest thing for me now is to drop the rope although it is beginning to feel appropriate to make that call to my attorney to file for dissolution.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Met with therapist tonight. She said that I need to feel comfortable telling my wife what I want. It should not have been a revelation but it was. I am always too concerned with everyone else feelings. And that can be unattractive. So I called my wife and told her what I want in regards to custody of s13. We have been unable to reach agreement on the issue. I was surprised at how well she responded to it. I think it has always been the case that I was just too non-confrontational.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Just read your posts and very pleased for you that you beat cancer. You have through a very difficult time and I think you need to look after number one.
That is my guess, but maybe your wife is angry at herself for what she is putting you and your son through, and doesn't know how to repair the damages.
I'm not sure but has she filed for D? Did you get any paper? If not there might still be a chance.
First pimouse I would like to thank you for your prayers. One thing I learned from my bout with cancer is that the people who really are sincere offer prayers for you. My wife has not filed for divorce. She has however moved out and has recently purchased a house. She has become a person whom I no longer recognize. When I met her she was a generous, loving and non-judgemental person. Now she doesn't like anyone who is not wealthy or very attractive or well known. She told me that she wanted a man who was very successful and wealthy. This in spite of our having assets of several million dollars. It is proof that money does not buy happiness. When we negotiated our custody arrangement she was weak and whinny but when I mentioned splitting our assets she became very venomous. I intend to file as soon as my insurance kicks in at my new job. I have read here that many people file for divorce but then reconcile. Who knows at this point. I found it pretty easy to finally detach when she left me while I was still very sick. Now I am trying to hold down a job and take care of my son and to get healthy. I do have the help of a therapist who is very good and has helped me to see things clearly. It is expensive and I know that I am fortunate to have the money to spend on it. God bless you and I pray that you find peace and the wisdom to move forward!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Shotgun, just finished reading through your thread. I can only imagine how difficult it would be to go through cancer, as a few on this board have survived, much less a WAS also. Hope things continue to improve with your recovery.
I understand you have an IC that is helping you, thats a great asset to have. My IC has helped me in so many ways during this year.
Its obvious your W is working through some issues and has problems of her own, the money part seems to hit a nerve with her. Forgetting about her for now, you haven't talked much about what may have been some of your issues. You stated your W began to state all of your shortcomings and that you put your needs in front of her when talking about dividing assets. Many times they rewrite history in order to justify their actions(I'm sure leaving someone going through cancer would need alot of rewriting) but there are often grains of truth within the spew that can help us become the best version of ourselves we can. It may be good to think through those things and see if there is anything you can pull out. We cant do anything about them changing but we might as well take what we can from this experience to grow.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Thank you for your interest Fogg. As best I can remember my wife and I only had one fight. It so happened that it lasted fifteen years. There was just never a resolution to it. It started on the eve of our wedding. In a courtship that lasted nine months we never had a disagreement or harsh word. The fight was about the two children that I brought to the relationship. For the rest of our time together we fought constantly about it. I had full custody of them with their mother only seeing them one night a week. The argument would take many forms but would always end with her complaining that I had taken their side. A couple of years into the marriage we went to a counselor over the issue. The two of them opined that my parenting style was to do nothing to correct their behavior. My counter was that sometimes by doing nothing you are doing everything possible. Through many quarrels with my wife and many challenges with my children I managed to raise two highly functioning and successful men. One is in the military and both attend major colleges. Neither has asked for a dime or assistance of any kind since graduating high school. In the time period of my marriage they never argued with her or raised their voice to her but did not ever develop a close relationship with my wife. My wife complained bitterly that their mother should be paying support but the attorney that I hired explained to me that due to my making significantly more money than her that I would have to pay her support even though they were with me most of the time. In our state custody is considered joint in almost all cases and I was advised that I would be unable to get anything but that. Through stalling tactics and keeping my ex a little confused and desperate I managed to never sign an agreement involving support. In the end my wife compiled a manifesto of my shortcomings that is found in every story that I have read on this website. She had found that she had feelings for another man and it was my fault. I like most people here did everything completely wrong although last fall my wife informed me that we had worked things out and she was committed to the marriage. Then the cancer came. I have had repressed memory of my treatment but a lot of things are slowly coming back to me. I am starting to recall a person who was disgusted by my appearance and inability to function. One such memory is of my wife and I having been invited to a party and her informing me that I could not go if I looked like a cancer patient. I know that is about as bad of a thing as a person could say and I would like to say that she is not a totally evil person. She is however someone who I am probably much better off without. I do continue to DB as I have learned how much it does for me. I still occasionally pray that God somehow fix this for my family. At this point it just seems over.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
I can only but admire your strength and your wisdom. You are a very caring and kind man that only a fool would leave.
Now you have to focus on YOU. I don't think that money brings happiness (it helps, I guess), but your wife is going through a phase that she only can deal with. Do what you have always wanted to do, live each day to the full. It might be not a straight forward road, but you will get there.
Thank you pimouse. Very kind of you to say in light of the challenges that you face. We are fortunate to have others to lean on through this site and my family has really been there for me. I hope that you are as lucky to be able to reach out to family members and friends. When I went through this twenty years ago I was completely alone. I was left with a three year old and a one year old and only one night a week to rest. Instead of GAL I would catch up on sleep. Several years after our split my first ex gained a little stability and began keeping the children a couple of more days a week and it was during that time that I met my wife. I thought that I had met the girl of my dreams. It was perfect until that one night and it was a glaring red flag, but I believed that it was just jitters about the wedding. To sit here all these years later I just feel so stupid about having gone forward with it. I do however have a son who is amazing being a musician and incredibly bright. For that it is worth all of the pain that I have gone through. I hope we can continue to lift each other will remain in contact.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Congratulations for bringing up two young kids on your own when they were so young. It surely wasn't an easy task.
At the moment things seem to be all black as it out of our control. All I can say is that probably thorough out all these years, there were some joyful moments and you need to focuse on how they made you felt at the time.
I'm starting to understand that the mind is a powerful tool, but if you let just one ounce of joy in, it'll start to switch from negatives thoughts to happy ones. It will take time for your brain to see the world in a positive light, but you'll get there.
One of my H grief is that I'm very negative, and I'm now seeing that the glass is half full not half empty. I know for sure that I don't want to go back to that depressed, negative Pimouse.
Pimouse you seem so positive. I hope that you are able to remain that positive in your own situation. There were indeed many happy moments. I loved being married to my wife and never once imagined my life without her. It is very tough indeed to end the marriage as I still love her and wish that we could work it out. There has just been so much water under the bridge that I don't see how it could. Each day that my body further heals I get stronger emotionally. Soon I will have the strength to deal with the very tough move of going through the divorce.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Thank you for your kind words. Being on this forum has been the best thing that has happened to me. A few months ago I wasn't that strong, but I took each day as it comes and no longer live for the past or the future.
Would it be expected of you to heal that soon if someone dear to you passed away? No. You have been married together for 15 years, so my guess is that it'll take time to grieve.
It's good to hear that your body is healing, and that emotionally you are getting stronger. Like I was told here, one little step at a time. I know it's hard to keep the faith, but I do believe that out there is someone watching over us and guiding us through this rough patch.
My dad always told me that without hard work you get nothing. We need to work hard on us to be a better us and have no regrets.
Thank you pimouse. I agree God is watching over us and he has given me great comfort. Today has been very tough but I will persevere. I am trying to figure out the way forward. I pray for peace for all of us and the strength to give our children what they need. Love your Dad's advice about working hard.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
I have to admit Rouky that I am struggling. My new job is very physical in nature and I am very tired at the end of the day. They have been very accommodating however. Everyone there knew of my illness when they hired me.
I have realized since W moved out that W did not want me hanging out with my family and friends and I am now reconnecting with them and having a lot of fun. It's funny that it was her who claimed that she had lost all of her friends during our marriage but what I remember is her having her friends come to stay with us fairly frequently. It was something that I encouraged her to do and I always enjoyed them being here.
I think it is more of a case that she threw everything into raising S13 and she spent about eleven years totally absorbed with spoiling and focusing on him. During that time S13 was a complete momma's boy and they were inseparable. About two and a half years ago it flipped and he suddenly wanted to spend all of his time with me. At that time everything changed. She started to dress differently, became very depressed about her job and started to complain bitterly that I would do nothing to change her situation. I would try to convince her to stop trying to live like a rock star and start to live a more simple life and we wouldn't need the incredible income that her job provided. Ultimately she informed me that she wanted someone to financially care for her. I simply couldn't replace her $200,000 a year job.
When she started running the bars, the men she was hanging around were all older, very successful guys. I have done my best to not pay attention to what she does but it just always pops up. The attorney that I hired said "Oh I know her, she's the one that hangs out at ........ and flirts with all the old guys".
This is all so gut wrenching but I know that I will be better off someday. I will have my health back and I will find someone who returns my love. Our son will be fine if I can do the right thing and keep my focus on him.
Thank you for your interest Rouky.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Was out GAL last night with some friends. Ran into an old girlfriend. She informed me that she is taking care of her husband who has cancer and that there is no chance she would abandon him no matter what happened.
Had a great time and stayed out too late. Going to need a nap today! I feel like I was cheated out of some great DB opportunities while I was sick.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Good on you for going out. For me GAL isn't about going out all the time, but to do something I like even if it's at home. I just sat down with a nice cup of tea and played with my dog.I feel SO much happier after this.
You are wise Rouky. I think you know what makes you happy. That makes the point that someone in your marriage doesn't. Same story here. Just be sure that you do some things that make you feel young and make you laugh. I don't drink alcohol at all but last night I ordered a beer. I only drank about ten sips of it but I was out, I had a really long conversation with a very good friend and I had fun. For me the biggest joy outside of my family is the outdoors. Always has been my sanctuary and now I have returned to work in a state park. So thankful to be where I am. Thank you again for your prayers as God has heard them and given me great peace today. I have not been this euphoric in two years. Many tough days ahead but I am ready. God bless you and stay in touch!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
God bless you PigPen. Love the handle! I can't help but feel that if the cancer never came I wouldn't be here. I have really only been able to DB for about a month and the results are amazing. I have gained a lot of clarity since she moved out however.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Having our S around can be difficult as it clouds our judgement. You are not constantly reminded of things if she was in flesh in front of you.
Time apart can only bring the best out of individual as they start to realise that part of the problem comes from within, and they are the only one that can change that.
For some it happens but it's a long process. For other they decide to remain the victim and blame others instead of looking deep inside.
On the drinking side, I can fully relate with you and enjoy your outdoors activities :-)
GAL update: Running strong for two miles, added weight to workout this week, started yoga classes Saturday morning. Feeling a little stronger physically if not mentally. Amazing workout in yoga class. My back was popping like I was with the chiropractor. Had a really ugly encounter with STBEW. She reminded me of all the reasons that she is divorcing me. Not sure of her intent as I am well aware of her greivences.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Bro, this is the worst thing ever. I don't have cancer, but I am getting in-home infusion therapy 5 hours a day 5 days in a row every 4 weeks for a disease I have. It is so hard to see my strength and endurance disappear while trying to project a positive attitude and confidence.
Way to go getting more fit. i have really found CrossFit to be a god send.
M: 36 yo W: 36 yo S: 7 D: 4 M: 13 yrs BD: 6/14 (??) PE Confirmed 7/15 (4 months) The road to recovery starts now
Stay strong guys. Training hard is going to really help your PMA's. The stronger you feel in your body the stronger you'll be to handle the crap that's going on in your situations.
One day at a time.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
HurtHus I am sorry to hear of your challenges. This is tough but you have to put your health ahead of even DB. It is too much to ask of a human to fight two wars at the same time. If your S doesn't have compassion for you during your illness then there isn't much you can do. Being brave and being a fighter has a positive impact on normal healthy individuals but these WW are not normal or mentally stable. They just can't see beyond their own feelings. Be open to your family and friends who reach out to you and accept all help offered. I will pray for you!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Thanks Shotty. I'll be praying for you as well. Since I read your post about getting back into hunting and fishing I think I want to get back into going to the range more regularly again. It's been entirely too long.
M: 36 yo W: 36 yo S: 7 D: 4 M: 13 yrs BD: 6/14 (??) PE Confirmed 7/15 (4 months) The road to recovery starts now
Hey HurtHus. There is nothing better than getting together with the guys (or girls) at the range and blasting some clays or some bulls eyes! Anything that helps me forget about my troubles for a little while is worth doing. Unless it makes me sick in the morning! Got the ball rolling on the big D today so hopefully I can get this over with soon and begin to heal.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
So sorry to hear this buddy. I think it is an indication that she knows better and knows she shouldn't be doing this, but is so conflicted that she can't stop. She is like an addict refusing to admit there is really a problem.
I really hope you can find some peace through all of this.
M: 36 yo W: 36 yo S: 7 D: 4 M: 13 yrs BD: 6/14 (??) PE Confirmed 7/15 (4 months) The road to recovery starts now
Sorry to hear about OM. From what I have been reading, with the OM our S is in a different world. I know it's hard but try not to think about her or him, and do what you enjoy the most.
Tough days here. Just want it to be over and get on with life. I don't want to know any more info about W's involvement with OM. Things just keep popping up. Work is getting a little easier. The physical activity is helping me to get stronger but by the end of the day I am exhausted.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Hang in there. I know the just wanting it over feeling, but of course it won't end until you've worked through the emotions and detached fully anyway.
Here you on the struggle back to physical health after chemo. It took a while, but it did come. Now I worry about other reasons for feeling exhausted, but chemo effects did finally wear off. Chemo fog and a slight tremor were the last to disappear for me. I'm still never sure now whether there is a touch of chemo fog mixed in with the being a parent and stress of S & possible D that makes me forgetful. I've gotten really bad remembering people's names when I'm talking to someone else.
Good luck on all fronts.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Thanks for the support asitis. I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one dealing with memory problems. Names and places are extremely hard to remember. Detachment is my biggest challenge regarding my situation. W was very good at keeping me hanging on. I think she was unsure of what she wanted for a very long time. I had done pretty well DBing until the cancer. Ultimately I was never able to convince her that I could move on without her.
Just curious how far out of treatment are you? Do you have side effects remaining besides the memory issues? What is the status of your health challenges?
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Got my walking papers today. My summons was stuck in the door at home. Have to get to work on all the particulars of that in the next couple of days. I have 21 days to attend a class on parenting through a divorce. W wants me to go with her but I just can't having just learned of more information about her affair. I'm just too hurt and I can't even look at her let alone sit next to her.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Sorry about this. This is her & her L's openning salvo. Consult your L. It won't be on her timetable.
Not unexpected, but still must hurt like h*ll.
I'm about 2.5 years out from treatment & no detectable side effects. I may have heart problems down the road, but no sign of that yet. The memory is likely other causes at this point, although there may be some lingering contribution. Otherwise, I'm back to normal, w/ a different perspective on a lot of things.
Hang in there. You're showing incredible courage and resilience, which bodes very well for you.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Not feeling so resilient asitis. Do you feel that there is any connection between your illness/treatment that contributed to your W's issues with you. My wife is not a caregiver on any level and I knew that I was in trouble with her even though she stated that we had worked everything out and that we were fine and her therapist told her that I had said all of the right things. When treatment got tough she just checked out. I have also learned that OM was contacting her at that point.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
You are dealing with your treatment & recovery on your own while going through all this, and you are more detached & able to think this through better. I'd call that resilience.
On the impact of my illness on my W, the answer is yes. We went through a rough 7-8 years with deaths in the family, career disappointments, moving to another state for a year, then back, two children, then my cancer. Along the way I got depressed & wasn't all that much fun to be with or supportive of her. That was a lot. She felt like she was always paying attention to everyone else's needs & not her own. When she let me know she was that unhappy, I tried to do everything I could to support her taking care of her needs. It wasn't enough or it made it worse.
She is also about the age when hormones start shifting for menopause, is starting to notice that she is getting older, she claims she is happy w/ her job, but I see signs of "is this all there is for the next couple decades?" blues on the career.
How that all stirs together, and what is responsible for how much, is not something I can answer, but that is a potent brew.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Rouky I am so appreciative of your support and your prayers. The one thing that I have learned through my ordeal is that the people who really care are the ones who say "I am praying for you". I do feel comfortable going to the class alone.
Asitis I am curious as to whether there was a period when your W felt closer to you after learning of your cancer and the possibility of losing you. My W was more passionate toward me in the first month after learning of my diagnosis that ever. Three weeks into the treatment that all changed though.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
I didn't really notice a difference. W said that when I was hopped up on anti-nausea meds (esp. Atavan & Marinol, the latter is synthetic pot), I was very mushy and appreciative, and she was like 'finally.' When that didn't last, she felt let down. That was towards the end of my chemo, but she never told me this until after she had said that she was no longer happy (about a year later). If she had, I would have shown here more of that, but her inability to ask (or wanting it wo/ having to ask) got in the way. It made me very sad to learn this in hindsight, as have a number of things.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
I fell apart during treatment. While I have very little memory of it I do know that I was completely unable to do any DB and that it was very distressing. To make matters worse I had a cancer navigator who was making things worse with my wife. She was yelling at me and very critical. When I got home my wife was yelling the same things at me. At some point when my wife wasn't there I fired the navigator. I was at a very bad point physically and emotionally and knew my marriage was disintegrating. I am having a very hard time with the belief that we would have made it were it not for the cancer. Maybe I am wrong about that but it is certainly how it feels.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Shotgun I never have the chance to say thank you for supporting me and offering me wise advice during that "interesting" period.
Can I just chip in regarding your W during your cancer. It is my dad who had it (leukaemia) and he needed two transplants. My mum was beside herself all the way through, and to a certain extent is. She would argue with him, and made his life not pleasant. To me she didn't know how to deal with it. We were so close losing him and she had conflicted feelings. She also felt hopeless because it was something that she couldn't control or help with.
Maybe this is what your wife felt as she didn't know how to help you, how to offer you support, and at the same time deal with her own feelings. I don't agree with being involved with someone else, but to a certain extent I can understand that she might have needed someone to talk to and to listen to her.
I know she is putting throught a lot, but try to see her views. How would you have felt if it had been her? How would you have been able to support her? What would have been your reactions when it was treatment time? Wouldn't have you been scared and lost? You both had a lot to deal with.
Keep looking after yourself and keep PMA. There is a light at the end if this tunnel. People think I'm crazy but I do believe that things (bad or good) happens to us for a reason. I wouldn't have thought like that few months ago though :-)!
Rouky that is a great perspective. I know that the cancer was too much for her. In the first few weeks after diagnosis she was very caring and loving and affectionate. I was also unprepared for how sick I would get. I was in shock from what was happening to my body and my mind. My wife was in therapy during that time but I am not sure how effective her Doctor is. The person who she mostly communicated with was my Sister. It was from that communication that I learned of the extent of her affair. I also accept that no one is prepared to care for the person who is battling the cancer as I felt that even the medical professionals couldn't understand what I was trying to tell them.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
I'm doing a little better Rouky. Thank you for asking. I keep adding weight to my workout routine a little at a time. Seems like there isn't time to take a run these days. I have found yoga to be very relaxing and a good workout. My sister is going with me to yoga now. I have started to fill out the paperwork for the divorce and finding it to be very depressing. Having a tough time deciding if I want to keep doing the rental properties or sell them. Nice income but a lot of stress.
I feel like I have recently gone through the anger stage of grief. My therapist agrees. I do feel the anger is lifting though. Thinking more about the future these days. Also recognizing some of the early signs in my marriage that things were not what I had thought them to be. I heard a song on the radio that I had learned to play and sing to my wife who was my fiance at the time. After playing it and singing it to her she told me how poor my playing and singing were. Should have been a sign or at least an indication that she was not nearly as romantic as I was.
I need to work harder on GAL. I am very tired when I get home from work and do not feel like doing anything socially. I'm having a hard time getting used to not seeing my son every day and it has me depressed. I'll bring that up with my therapist Tuesday.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Can you have a renting agency doing the renting for you? I know they charge more but they are the ones dealing with all the stress.
What kind of film do you like? What book do you like reading? For me GAL isn't about going out of the time but it is reading a good book or watching a movie I love.
I can only imagine what you are going through filling in the paperwork, and not being able to see your son everyday. Could it be possible for you and your wife to have him 50/50?
My view is that if you have been able to beat cancer, you'll get through this too! I think that when a door closes, another one opens. Maybe not now, as you need to go through a process to discover WHO the REAL shotgun is, and once you are happy within yourself that new door will open.
Praying for you. I know that you'll get through this :-)
Hi Rouky. Dark days here. Thanks for the ideas. There is a management company that will take care of my rental properties for me. I'm going to look into that as soon as I get the divorce settled.
As for the custody arrangement for my son, I get him half of the time but only in a technical sense. In reality it's much less because of the location of his school and after school activities. I need to let go of some of this as I am very happy that he fits in well at the school and he is happy there. We did have a great weekend however and went camping and to a music festival. He and I are developing quite the repertoire of songs that we can play and sing. He is really quite amazing on several instruments.
Thank you for reminding me of having beat cancer as I sometimes am not as thankful as I should be for having beat it. I do have my life ahead of me and I will find my way. I do need to think real hard on the GAL activities.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Shotgun, a lot of spouses can't handle a life-threatening illness well. It reminds them of their own mortality for one. It reminds them of how weak they can become. It scares them that the person they have come to rely on is unable to be there for them, and unconsciously they take it as a kind of betrayal. It is not healthy, and this is why IC is so important for the S as well as the patient in those situations: it draws into the consciousness this unconscious reaction so that it can be seen for what it really is and addressed.
So, on the one hand, recognize that your W is far from unusual in this even if it is deeply hurtful that she added abandonment at the moment you needed her most. I know that it contributed to my own M problems, although to a lesser extent than yours obviously. On the other hand, it makes you aware of the fragility of Rs during times of great stress and to appreciate the need to see any future R in a new way. I'd have a lot of trouble forgiving the kind of betrayal you experienced.
And you are turning around and making your difficulty living up to some kind of stoic image of courage that men are supposed to exude. There is a lot of shame for letting your W down, for failing your M, for blaming your own frailty and humanity for the disaster. I'm sure you blame your W a good deal, but the way you put things really screams a particular type of male shame that is something that society saddles us with to our suffering. Please don't see yourself in this way. The reality is that even the strongest of us can be reduced to pleading, begging, weak, dependent creatures. The bravest heroes in the classical Greek heroic literature (read the Iliad for instance) are very different from our pop culture heroes. One minute they are wading through the enemy seemingly beyond human limits. The next they are cowering, running in sheer terror, and with a total loss of dignity. We do ourselves great harm if we don't recognize that all of us can go through such times in our lives. Men are particularly susceptible to this kind of self-loathing, as society has sold us a bill of goods.
Please show yourself some compassion for your weakness. It is a sign of your humanity. It means that you are just like the rest of us. Really. And, the courage comes from your picking yourself up and not letting those times define you. By seeing that you are incredibly courageous and strong to stand up and do some very hard work to get yourself healthy after such an ordeal.
Trust me that I had to go through some of the same process. I reacted to my own weakness and dependence, at my feelings of failing my family (esp. my older S whose dad couldn't be there with him in the way he had for the first 4 years of his life) by throwing myself into regaining my sense of strength and vitality. It was natural (and healthy and good in a practical sense - so I'm not trying to discourage you from continuing to throw yourself into regaining your life), but fortunately I had a therapist who pointed out that I needed to deal with my shame at being laid so low and fear of not being the kind of man none of us could live up to. If you don't have such a therapist, raise the issue yourself in a therapy relationship. It really is a lot of harmful baggage we are much better learning to shed ourselves of.
Man hugs!
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Thank you for your kind words Asitis. It touched me reading that I am just like everyone else. I am human and deserving of compassion. I have felt so helpless for so long and have only recently started to stand up for myself. I do recognize that my non-confrontational personality is very unattractive to women. I am working on forgiving myself and getting better at it.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
For me I don't see it as being not confrontational but you were taking into account your W's feelings. I think you just need to learn how to have boundaries :-).
Working on financial statements. Signed up for parenting class. Hearing next week. Fighting over pickup/drop off.
Still working out at the gym and running and going to yoga class. Lots of cute girls in there but most are married.
Trying to find peace and strength to finish this divorce. Counselor suggested Prozac for me. Said it is a year long commitment as it takes some time to kick in and you have to wean off of it.
Going camping next weekend with S13. Looking forward to it.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Sounds like you are hanging in there. Glad you are keeping up with your exercise. And even if they are mostly married, they have friends and relations who aren't.
On the fighting over pick up & dropping off, try to turn it from a power struggle of needs to asking her if you could both step back and look it it differently. Then say you are more worried about the impact on S and making the next decade as easy on all three of you for the good of all of you, but esp. S. Then ask her what she thinks would be best. Given some of the things you've said, she may just throw her wants in, but she also may appreciate that you've de-escalated, and also shown her respect by asking her opinion.
On the Prozac: go to a psychiatrist to get it rather than your regular doctor. Anti-depressants are a bit of an art, as different people respond to different ones (& we don't know why). Still, psychiatrists generally are able to make decent hunches about which one will work based on having worked with so many people. The psychiatrist will want to see you in about 3-4 weeks to assess if the drug is working, and may try something else based on the results. It takes about 3 weeks for most to have an impact, and as psychiatrist will be better and weaning you off when it comes time.
Some need a more sedating anti-D because anxiety is an issue. Paxil is often used. If your D is more the lethargic type, than Prozac or Wellbutrin are often used. But it is the combination of symptoms that gives a psychiatrist the hints of which may be right for you.
Hang in there. You're a very strong person going through all you have and taking life head on.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
I just read your thread and I'm so sorry about the pain and suffering you have been through and have to deal with.
You received some great advice from many, so I just want to add one remark about your WAW and her anger when you discuss assets and money. From your description of her, it's because it's her priority in life. It's what means something to her, and it's what she's willing to fight for. It's as simple as that. It has nothing to do with you, so don't take it personally.
People often focus on something in their life, it's what they become successful at. She's got a high paying job, she's looking for rich men, she is aggressive in the settlement of assets. It all adds up to a person who has made money a priority in her life, at the cost of other things. I sincerely hope you will find someone down the road who shares your ideals and priorities in life.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Thank you Painter. I am so thankful to have my friends here and I don't know where I would be without this place. I see now that there was never a chance of reconciliation with my wife but I do not regret having taken every chance that I could to save my family.
Mostly I am sad to see it end but a little excited to start over. Trying to be patient and follow the advice of my counselor and give it a year before jumping back into dating. We'll see as I have discovered that half of the single people out there are women!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Rouky I am doing OK. It took me a couple of days to process but I do thank you for asking. Had a really bad week but thanks to you and everyone else on here I will make it through this. It is so nice to know that you are looking out for me. God bless you!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Thank you PigPen. I think I need support as much as anything. My therapist says there is no other answer than to go through this. I just want to be a better person when I get to the other side of it. I do get a tiny bit better every day. I tell people that it is as if you were reading the dictionary and you turned one page every day. Again I am thankful for the friends that I have here. Rouky, PigPen, asitis, HurtJeff I love you all!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
It seems as if mornings have become much more difficult of late. I am finding it hard to get up and eat breakfast. It's a big deal as my weight has fallen to 152 lbs. Everyone is telling me that I am divorce thin. Going to see the Encologist tomorrow and will ask for some advice about gaining weight. Pray for a good report on my blood test!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Saw encologist today. Everything went well. Wrote me a prescription for Prozac. Therapist had advised me that I am a candidate for it. I'm not crazy about taking pills but I'll give it a try. I understand it takes a couple of weeks to fully kick in. Maybe it will get me through the next couple of months and the divorce.
STBXW has become very uncooperative. I don't think she planned on going through the stages of grief and I could be wrong but she seems very angry. At this point I am just trying to be strong for S13.
Going to a music festival this weekend and taking our instruments. Going to be fun playing music around the campfire. I can no longer sing as a result of the cancer and treatment but one of the greatest joys of my life is playing accompaniment for S13 while he solo's on violin and mandolin. I guess it's fiddle for this weekend! Going to be nice to get out of this house for a few days.
Peace to everyone!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Shotgun, I'm not seeing new thread so I'll post here. Please be careful with Prozac, it should not be prescribed by an oncologist, only by a psychiatrist. If your therapist is not able to write prescriptions, he/she should refer you to a psychiatrist for evaluation and possibly prescribing it, but it is a very powerful medication that can have significant side effects, and it should be monitored frequently by a psychiatrist to begin with.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Hi shotgun, can't find your new thread, so I'm assuming that you are having such a great time with your son. That is a good news from the oncologist.
I have been on an equivalent of Prozac and there is nothing wrong to take it for a while to help you cope. It isn't a sign of weakness but a sign of growth and maturity as you tried hard to deal with things on your own but sometimes you have to ask for help and rely on it for a while.
About your wife being angry, I guess that she has underestimated the impact of filing for divorce and doesn't know how to deal with the fact that you have detached.
I hope you had a great weekend with your son. Hang in there :-)
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Go to the top of the screen and there is a new topic box on the left hand side. Click on it and then you will open the window to create a new subject as well as a posting. It's the same way that you created this thread.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Had a real ugh day here. Legal matters with the attorney. Felt much better after meeting with therapist tonight. Thank God for her!
Had a fantastic weekend with friends at a bluegrass music festival. S13 and I took our instruments and sat in with some amazing musicians around the campfire. Slept in a tent and it poured rain for two solid days but found a couple of short breaks that permitted some playing. Left there to stop at a muzzle loading shoot and met up with some musicians there that let us sit in also.
A note about title of new thread. It occurred to me tonight while frying bologna that I am getting back to being the person that I was before I lost myself in my marriage. I must say though that I do not have any regrets for having poured myself into my family and would do it all over again. In spite of the very unhealthy situation that it became there were also many blessings. I pray that God will continue to bring me peace and acceptance.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Maybe not for breakfast, that's a difficult meal for me, too.