Recovery from cancer and separation

[shotgun]

Tough days here. Just want it to be over and get on with life. I don't want to know any more info about W's involvement with OM. Things just keep popping up. Work is getting a little easier. The physical activity is helping me to get stronger but by the end of the day I am exhausted.

[asitis]

Hang in there. I know the just wanting it over feeling, but of course it won't end until you've worked through the emotions and detached fully anyway.

Here you on the struggle back to physical health after chemo. It took a while, but it did come. Now I worry about other reasons for feeling exhausted, but chemo effects did finally wear off. Chemo fog and a slight tremor were the last to disappear for me. I'm still never sure now whether there is a touch of chemo fog mixed in with the being a parent and stress of S & possible D that makes me forgetful. I've gotten really bad remembering people's names when I'm talking to someone else.

Good luck on all fronts.

[shotgun]

Thanks for the support asitis. I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one dealing with memory problems. Names and places are extremely hard to remember. Detachment is my biggest challenge regarding my situation. W was very good at keeping me hanging on. I think she was unsure of what she wanted for a very long time. I had done pretty well DBing until the cancer. Ultimately I was never able to convince her that I could move on without her.

Just curious how far out of treatment are you? Do you have side effects remaining besides the memory issues? What is the status of your health challenges?

[shotgun]

Got my walking papers today. My summons was stuck in the door at home. Have to get to work on all the particulars of that in the next couple of days. I have 21 days to attend a class on parenting through a divorce. W wants me to go with her but I just can't having just learned of more information about her affair. I'm just too hurt and I can't even look at her let alone sit next to her.

[asitis]

Sorry about this. This is her & her L's openning salvo. Consult your L. It won't be on her timetable.

Not unexpected, but still must hurt like h*ll.

I'm about 2.5 years out from treatment & no detectable side effects. I may have heart problems down the road, but no sign of that yet. The memory is likely other causes at this point, although there may be some lingering contribution. Otherwise, I'm back to normal, w/ a different perspective on a lot of things.

Hang in there. You're showing incredible courage and resilience, which bodes very well for you.

[shotgun]

Not feeling so resilient asitis. Do you feel that there is any connection between your illness/treatment that contributed to your W's issues with you. My wife is not a caregiver on any level and I knew that I was in trouble with her even though she stated that we had worked everything out and that we were fine and her therapist told her that I had said all of the right things. When treatment got tough she just checked out. I have also learned that OM was contacting her at that point.

[Rouky]

I'm so sorry about this. I think that you need to look after yourself and if that means you going on your own to this class, then so be it.

I'm really lost for words and don't know what to say to bring you comfort. I'm praying for you.

[asitis]

You are dealing with your treatment & recovery on your own while going through all this, and you are more detached & able to think this through better. I'd call that resilience.

On the impact of my illness on my W, the answer is yes. We went through a rough 7-8 years with deaths in the family, career disappointments, moving to another state for a year, then back, two children, then my cancer. Along the way I got depressed & wasn't all that much fun to be with or supportive of her. That was a lot. She felt like she was always paying attention to everyone else's needs & not her own. When she let me know she was that unhappy, I tried to do everything I could to support her taking care of her needs. It wasn't enough or it made it worse.

She is also about the age when hormones start shifting for menopause, is starting to notice that she is getting older, she claims she is happy w/ her job, but I see signs of "is this all there is for the next couple decades?" blues on the career.

How that all stirs together, and what is responsible for how much, is not something I can answer, but that is a potent brew.

[shotgun]

Rouky I am so appreciative of your support and your prayers. The one thing that I have learned through my ordeal is that the people who really care are the ones who say "I am praying for you". I do feel comfortable going to the class alone.

Asitis I am curious as to whether there was a period when your W felt closer to you after learning of your cancer and the possibility of losing you. My W was more passionate toward me in the first month after learning of my diagnosis that ever. Three weeks into the treatment that all changed though.

[asitis]

I didn't really notice a difference. W said that when I was hopped up on anti-nausea meds (esp. Atavan & Marinol, the latter is synthetic pot), I was very mushy and appreciative, and she was like 'finally.' When that didn't last, she felt let down. That was towards the end of my chemo, but she never told me this until after she had said that she was no longer happy (about a year later). If she had, I would have shown here more of that, but her inability to ask (or wanting it wo/ having to ask) got in the way. It made me very sad to learn this in hindsight, as have a number of things.