Could someone explain why my wife is so angry in light of her taking control of her life in a new home in another town suddenly able to take the journey to "find herself"? She is sweet and loving until we have a disagreement about dividing assets or household items or discussing her move out and then this venomous unrecognizable personality comes out and points out every shortcoming I have and every time I put my needs in front of hers. Is it her genuine anger or is she using it to get me to cave in to her out of guilt for my marital failures?
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Any number of reasons, but one huge potential reason is that she has to cast you in the role of the bad guy to justify her doing something that is deeply painful and which she is ashamed of. In our society women are socialized to see themselves as responsible for managing relationships. They are judged on their worth based on their ability. Not only is her M failing, but she is the one walking away from a vow that almost every little girl is trained even today that this is one of her life's biggest dreams and accomplishments. That's a lot of baggage to be saddled with. In that kind of situation, there can be a lot of protecting oneself from the slings and arrows of self, friends and family, and society, as well as hurt that she couldn't have that dream and is a failure in her own eyes and society's.
She also may be hurt that you seem to be getting on without her rather or seeming to do OK while she is still a wreck inside.
Some people come to grips with it and let go of the anger. Others, unfortunately never do. Not returning the anger, listening and validating and detaching, etc. are the best things you can do to help her be the former and not the latter, but ultimately it will be up to her.
So, while it feels very personal, and there are certainly some real reasons for anger towards you, a lot of the reasons are not about you and not personal.
Now, it also could be a negotiating strategy, as well.
Either way, not biting the hook is the best way forward. Lots of STFU smoothies are in your future for a while, unfortunately. IC and support network, as well as other means to healthily vent are good to have in your plan.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
It is just so strange. Her Mother is still angry at her Dad after twenty five years of being divorced and both having remarried. The tough part for me is knowing that I will have to deal with this angry ex for the rest of my life. Hopefully in the end there will be peace for her because number one she deserves it and number two if she ain't happy ain't nobody happy in her world.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
I sat and read the information and the threads on here over the last seven months and I was just to sick to implement anything as far as GAL but over the last few weeks I have started to run and work out again. While I am very weak and my stamina is very diminished I am improving and the best benefit is the peace that a really good workout brings. So many impart that wisdom to the folks who are suffering from the problems in their marriage and I am here to attest to how well it works. I'm also going out a day or two a week and reconnecting with some old friends. Amazing how they have allowed me to jump right back in with them after so many years apart. Running two miles now so I am 2/3 of the way to my goal of running a 5k.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
So out of the blue this morning W calls. Wanting to know how I have been. Her friend had seen me at the gym and W wanted to know how that was going. The honest answer was that I am a train wreck and my body is in excruciating pain. My response was that I am doing fine and my body feels great. Informed her of having found a picture she was looking for. Would like to know why she would further confuse me when I am trying so hard to detach and move on.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Spending the weekend with s13 putting a new roof on our camper. Got the rubber in place just before a heavy downpour. The cold rain felt amazing after having completely soaked myself in sweat. After a shower we went to a pub and had a cheeseburger and fish & chips. This GAL thing is going to save me! So thankful for that lesson learned from the kind folks who post on this website.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Thank you Cadet. I've been trying to DB for over a year with a seven month respite while battling this illness. I struggled early on as W kept changing her story and keeping me off balance. In early November she informed me that we had worked things out and she was committed to the R. I know don't believe anything they say.......... By December I was fighting cancer. I have very few memories of that time period (kind of a blessing) but do have a few memories of some very abusive behavior by W. It's probably much too late to save this marriage but I am definitely feeling better about myself and my 180's have made me much more independent. I'll never allow myself to become dependent on my wife or anyone else in the future. The toughest thing for me now is to drop the rope although it is beginning to feel appropriate to make that call to my attorney to file for dissolution.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
