Recovery from cancer and separation

[shotgun]

Thank you for the prayers DifRent. I am fighting to get back to pre-cancer health by running and working out. It is certainly a very long and hard road back. I do plan to run a 5k by Fall. I ran 1.75 miles this morning very slowly. Have to start somewhere!

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Does anyone have advice on detachment? I have read as much as I can on the detachment thread but it is the hardest thing for me to do. Maybe it is for everyone here as well.

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Tonight is my first real attempt to GAL since learning of my cancer. My wife invited me to go to the fireworks but some friends had already invited me to a 4th of July party. Very hard to do but even though I don't feel as good as I would like, I know that I have to soldier on!

[asitis]

I'm glad you have a goal on doing the 5K. It really helped to get back in shape. I lifted weights before, and after my chemo, I was back to beginner weights and struggling to keep from vomiting. When I got back to body weight on squats, I knew I had crossed a major hurdle.

On detachment, one of the best things is to focus on you and GAL activities. Making yourself happy and healthy allows you to be less reactive to the things your W does and says.

Having a list of reminders like: I can't fix her, I can only fix myself; remember not to believe most of what she says and a lot of what she does [I don't like the 100% on what she says, as there is usually a nugget in there worth considering]; patience is the best predictor of success; often doing nothing is the best thing you can do; she is hurting, scared, and angry, so what she says is more about her than me; etc.

It just helps to remind yourself of these over and over and over. Re-read Sandi2's 37 rules regularly.

When you feel triggered by something your W does or says, come here and vent about it and get advice first.

And, just because it is so important, again, the focus needs to shift to yourself and figuring out what will make you happy outside of the M.

Good luck.

[shotgun]

Thank you asitis. I am completely starting from the beginning on the weights. I had put an inch on my chest and a half inch on my arms and lost three inches off of my waist before my cancer diagnosis. Now I can barely do ten push-ups. As I regain my health I believe I will be able to rebuild a social life and begin to detach from W. After a year and a half of hearing about all of my shortcomings I am starting to see that she has a few too. I guess there is just no easy way to detach.

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Sorry I should have said four divorces, three separations, and another likely separation. I could add the passing of the family matriarch, my grandmother to the pain my family has had to face. Maybe it only gets better from here!

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W just dropped the bomb on S:13. I think he is ok but W said he feels sorry for his Dad. I've got to be strong for him.

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Today I am shopping for an attorney. I feel that I need some information about dividing assets and custody arrangements and support. Certainly not what I want to happen but I must protect myself. W says she needs to live alone for a few months to see if she wants to be away from me. It's so shocking to be at this point.

[asitis]

I'd ask you if you really want to save this M, given your W's behavior when you most needed her support. I know a lot of people run when something comes up that is really threatening, especially the fear of losing a S or facing their own mortality. Still, is your heart still in this given her behavior during your struggles w/ cancer?

Do you have IC? A lot of issues for you to work on within and without the M.

Use the space & time to explore your feelings on this M.

[shotgun]

Thank you asitis. I do have an IC. Not sure where I would be without her. A lot of what I have done in there involves the cancer. She has also helped me to recognize that W is just not into our M at this point. Hard medicine to swallow. I guess I'm like a lot of people here trying to hang on and hope for the best. So much of what Michele has written in DB and DR are effective in drawing W back to me but perhaps there has just been too much water under the bridge.