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My wife is leaving me after 15 years. I have beaten cancer but the recovery is also very tough. I have read DB and DR and have done my best to implement the steps laid out therein. Also have read Sandi's rules and many of her posts. GAL has been challenging with the cancer and treatment. I'm not looking so much for pity as I am words of encouragement.


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
(http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534754&page=1).

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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Hey Shotgun, I'm a cancer survivor too! You will find lots of encouragement here...just keep posting. I will check in on you later.


Me44 H47
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D23 S17

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shotgun Offline OP
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Thank you Cadet. I've been reading these posts for a year now. Everything seems to be spot on. Read MWD's books a year ago. My wife is in therapy and I am as well although we have not gone together.


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


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shotgun Offline OP
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Thank you. I am familiar with much of the advice here and as far as I know W does not know of this site. I did break one of Sand's rules in the midst of my cancer treatment and talked to the one sister of mine that can't keep her mouth shut and word got back to W. Of course with very bad results. Still love my sister though!


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
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Very sorry you are here. I'm a two-time cancer survivor, and I had a rough treatment about a year before my W had her wake up to realize she wasn't happy and that I wasn't giving her what she needs. It definitely is one piece/trigger for her fleeing.

Are you still under treatment that impacts your health and daily life? Are you finding other support?

Keep posting. You'll get a lot of support & help.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
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shotgun Offline OP
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Hi asitis. My treatment ended late April. PET scan was all clear and very good news. My biggest physical challenge at this point is having lost so much strength and having no stamina. Also starting new job to make sure of having insurance coverage when and if D comes. I have a big family that is very supportive and loving. Interestingly we have all had trouble in our marriages in the last couple of years. We have had four divorces, two separations and another likely separation. Our children have hit their teen years and that seems to be when the mid-life issues come into play. I have a new found respect for the people fighting cancer and I hope you are doing well in your fight. It is certainly very hard on families and caregivers.


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 563
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shotgun Offline OP
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Had a huge fight over dividing our assets. The first fight we ever had that didn't involve my two children from previous marriage. I have never seen her so venomous. Definitely helps to detach from her to see so much hatred in her eyes.


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
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Welcome to the group, Shotgun. Prayers for your continued recovery and health, and of course, for your marriage.


Me: 46 Her: 41
M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18
3/26 W and I meet OW
BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring
W goes to stay with OW 6/26
NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16
I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
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