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So I need to throw this out there because she made a comment about it earlier this week.

She claims I am very controlling and have been our whole marriage. In a way maybe I have been and I have my excuses but I'm sure I am wrong in my thinking... Like I mentioned earlier I have always worked 2-3 jobs during our marriage. When it came to buying our house I wanted to use a certain builder because of the amazing lot we could get that had a view that over looked the valley. Not the house she wanted but because I was the one working 2 jobs, I wanted the house from this builder. Yes I know selfish, please don't condemn me. I am learning a lot through this and discovering my faults.

Then the cars. I bought her a new van 15 years ago. The next year I bought myself a small commuter car and gave plasma for 6 months to pay for it. 6 years later I worked 2 years of nearly straight overtime to purchase my dream car. I'm now being told again how selfish I am as I have had two new cars and she's still driving a van from 15 years ago. She wanted me to purchase her a new car this fall, about a month before BD.

My question is how do I show her I am not the selfish person she thinks I am without making her feel wrong or invalidated. I tried asking her if a selfish person would work the amount of hours I did to take care of their family and miss out on numerous events. I've always spoiled my children to the greatest of my abilities. Worked tirelessly to pay for their sports and activities and know I am having to defend myself as not being selfish...


BD Oct 2014
S Dec 2014
D filed Feb 20, 2015
D on hold as money ran out for attorneys and the marital home's future is up in the air

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Controlling doesn't equal selfishness. It seems as if you're misinterpreting things.

Did you control how much she spent, where she went, what she would purchase, how she treated the kids, etc.?

BTW, much of what you post revolves around money and how great of a provider you are, etc. She's looking for someone to fill her emotional needs. Not just financial.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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Originally Posted By: MrBond
Controlling doesn't equal selfishness. It seems as if you're misinterpreting things.

Did you control how much she spent, where she went, what she would purchase, how she treated the kids, etc.?

BTW, much of what you post revolves around money and how great of a provider you are, etc. She's looking for someone to fill her emotional needs. Not just financial.


You hit the nail on the Head MrBond. I know I neglected her emotional needs the past couple of years. She has said this numerous times. What can I do to 180 that?

As for controlling yes and no... She flew all over the country going to concerts and being a groupie with all her other GFs from all over the country. I always encouraged her to do this. When it came to money she was and still is horrible at budgeting. A lot of our fights came from this. This fall when all hell broke lose and I began suspecting her of her A I made comments that would have been very controlling. She hadn't worked for nearly six weeks and didn't tell me. I learned after we started bouncing checks. I told her I wanted to start seeing her pay stubs.. I know, I know... 😞 then one night I discovered she was at a club instea of a wedding like she told me. Her friends tagged her on FB pics they had taken. I called her and after telling her I knew she was lying I demanded that she come home. I told her I was tired of her going out to bars and clubs instead of being home with her husband and kids. She brings both of these up a lot. In my defense I was freaking out and knew nothing about DB and had that feeling that she had already started her A.

Again please be gentle as I am learning and I am open to any and all advice.


BD Oct 2014
S Dec 2014
D filed Feb 20, 2015
D on hold as money ran out for attorneys and the marital home's future is up in the air

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Prowl,

You are not controlling. Full stop. End of story.

"Controlling" is the battle cry of every wayward wife (and many wayward husband's too).

Like I said about your EA. It's the side show. A magician's parlor trick with a slight of hand to distract you from focusing on the real problems in your marriage that she has no intention of discussing, changing or accepting responsibility for.

Read up on the term "gas lighting". Essentially, it's a distraction technique whereby they try to act like and convince their "victim" that they are crazy.

Another way to say it. Your wife's best defense is a good offense. By focusing on your "controlling" behavior and taking advantage of your desire to fix things and make your home and family a happier place, your wife manipulates you into allowing her to do whatever she wants lest you be deemed a "controlling jerk". Your continuing guilt from your EA likely made this an easier manipulation.

What should you do about being called controlling? Open the cage door. She's free to go. If you truly are "controlling" you obviously aren't very good at it. It's a lie and you just don't need to believe it, buy into it or let it make you feel guilty anymore to such an extent that you allow HER to control you.

I'm not saying you have to fight her over the issue. You could even sit there and validate it. "So you think I'm controlling...How?, that is an interesting concept". Anything to keep her talking and while you meet her emotional needs for conversation.


Why can't YOU insist on 50/50 and a 4 day/4 day rotation???? Seems the courts would give it to you in most states these days. Stick to your guns and fight for it.


The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
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Hi Prowl,

I am so sorry to hear that you are going thru all this. It is very painful and you are grieving. It's ok, it's happened to us all at one time or another. I ride a roller coaster of emotions and right now I feel like I am grieving. Other days, I feel ok.

I think it was in one of your first posts you wrote: "My W has definitely re-written our marriage history. Now all I hear is how unhappy she was." I can relate because that is exactly what my WAW has done. Also, many other WAS' have done this, too.

Whether you are a beleiver or not, I will dedicate a special prayer to you. Also, I hope you find this people verse comforting:
“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future’” (Jeremiah 29:11).

I wish you well.

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
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Prowl, I'm sorry for what you are going through. There's a lot of great people on this board so just listen to what they say. One of those is Sandi and she accidentally posted on my thread thinking I was you. Here is the link to her post. I urge you to heed her advice...stay strong my friend.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...350#Post2584350

Cadet, we may be in need of some moderation. Can you please move Sandi's post from my thread into Prowl's?


Me: 34
W: 30
Together: 11 years
Married: 4 years
BD: 4/2014
A Discovered: 5/2014
WW Filed: 7/2014
Separated: 8/2014
Divorced: 10/2015
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Sandi,

I have spent the last 2 days reading your posts and I am amazed at your insight and information. My life came crashing down back in October when my W and I began fighting over finances and her constantly going out to the clubs with her GFs. Our marriage has been rocky the past few years but I wasn't expecting her to drop the bomb.

At first I dismissed it as her being mad about our fights and frustrated with our financial situation. It wasn't until a few days later when she started sleeping on the couch, locking her phone, blocking me on Facebook and I noticed she had changed her grooming habits, that I started to get really worried.

After about a month of tension she insisted that we seperate as the only means to save our marriage. She wanted me to move out and give her space. I began suspecting her of being a WW due to her strange and erratic behavior and so moving out was something that I did not want to do.

After another month, and more signs, I decided to start figuring out what was really going on. She was leaving the home at all hours of the day and night. I decided to purchase a GPS tracking device and I placed it on her vehicle. It was only on there for 24 hours before she found it, and she was irrate at me for doing it. She told me "Our state is a no fault state. I can go to the clubs and spread my legs for all the men there and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it."

A few days later my kids told me that my W had a texting app and told me what her alias on it was. I made up a fake account and started texting her. Within a half an hour I had my W telling me her favorite sexual positions, that she is a moaner and what a piece of crap her husband (me) was... I couldn't believe she was talking like this! I called her out on it the next day and she said she was bored.

A week after this incident she told me she wanted me to go with her to see a Marriage specialist. This actually turned out to be a Divorce Mediator. He suggested that our marriage was over do to her being indifferent and that we could begin divorce proceddings and be divorced in 6 weeks. He wanted us to tell the children of our plans and then split living time in the home. I work a week off, week on schedule and he suggested that on my days off I live in the home and then she live there on my days at work. When we got home she cried and played on my sympathies and convinced me that we could work on our marriage if I would be willing to be the one to move out for a seperation.

At this time I moved in with my mother. I was coming home on the weekends and spending time with the kids. I noticed that we had condoms in the dresser and I was sure we didn't have anymore as we had not been intimate in months. But I counted them and took a picture so I wouldn't forget. She had been "gaslighting" me for months and I felt as if I couldn't trust my own memory anymore.

A week passed and I returned home again for the weekend. Again she was cold, distant, always texting, always leaving... One morning she actually got up to see me off to work. Something she hadn't done in months. Then a few hours later she called me at work to "say hello and see if I had recieved her text message". It felt forced and I knew she was checking to see if I was at work. That night we had to meet at the hospital as our son required stitches. We left the hospital and she raced home. We did get home at about the same time and she immediately went into the master bedroom (where I had been sleeping) and came out with a handful of trash from the bathroom. She took this trash and threw it in the kitchen trash. Remembering the condoms I went into the bedroom and counted the condoms. There was one missing. I then went to the kitchen trash and was able to dig out a condom wrapper. She dragged me into the bedroom and we began arguing. She claimed she was cleaning and didn't want to freak me out that she had swept up a condom wrapper from under the bed. We went for a drive to talk and she was very mean, cold and distant. When we returned home my W took the garbage out to the trash can. Something she never did...

After about 20 minutes I quietly went outside and retrieved the trash bag she had thrown out. I brought it into the master bathroom and began digging through it. I found a used condom. At that exact moment she sent me a text that said "I didn't cheat, I'm sorry.." I began crying hysterically. She must have heard my crying because she came into my bedroom. I held up the condom and asked "Why". She said we needed to go for another drive.

While we sat in an empty parking lot she explained to me that she hadn't cheated but that her friend and her OM stopped by the house to talk to her and asked if they could throw away their condom. This story later morphed into her friend using our home to commit adultery. To this day I still don't buy it.

That next morning she admitted to me that she had lied to me about the men she had been with before we got married. She told me about a lot of things she had lied about during the coarse of our marriage. I don't know why she decided to tell me all of this now, but it was very hurtful. The next morning I asked her point blank if she was having an affair. She told me she had been having multiple affairs. I began to ask lots and lots of questions.. When, where, how... After abobut 3 minutes of asking questions she said "Come on, do you really think I am capable of that! I haven't had any affairs" When asked why she would do that to me she said "I was so tired of you always asking me that I decided just to tell you what you wanted to hear". I think it was her way of admitting to them.

Again we discussed a seperation and she told me it would be the only way to save the marriage. She insisted that it needed to be a long seperation in order for us to work through our feelings. So again I left and went to live with my mother.

I was at my mothers house for about 3 weeks when my W asked if I would watch the kids so that she could take a trip to another state for her birthday. She works for an airline and we had taken the kids on day trips before but I knew somethng was up. She went on her trip while I watched the kids and ended up getting stuck there for 3 days. When she returned home she came to see me at my mothers house. We went for a drive and she told me how she felt our marriage had been lovelss and void of passion for years. She told me our sex was like a "hookup" and had no passion in it. I immediately wondered if she was having passionate sex with someone else and how she would even know what a hook up felt like.

A week later I contacted a friend that works for the same airline and had her look up my W ticket. She confirmed what I already knew. My W had taken someone with her on that trip the week before. I went home with all my belongings and told my W that I knew about her trip and that I was not going to go along with the seperation as long as she wasn't giving it any effort. She told me she booked someone with her but it was a favor for a friend and that she didn't spend any time with them. She told me that she had been in contact with her HS BF and that he had actually met her there and they spent most of their time together. I don't know which one was worse!

After a small discussion I left the house to return to my mothers again. Another two weeks went by and my children were telling me that my W was never home and leaving the house at all hours of the night. I decided I had enough and again I returned home.

When I arrived home she immediately got angry and started yelling at me. Telling me she hated me and that she never wanted to see me again. I began following her around the bedroom, begging her not to do this. I then said to her that whoever this man was, it wasn't worth throwing our marriage away for. She said to me "There isn't just one man, there has been 8 and they have made me feel amazing".

I could hear the kids listening throught the door so I turned around and said "Did you hear that kids?" Upon me saying this she punched me in the chest. I then reached for my phone and called the police. Long story short the police showed up I asked them not to press charges (I am actually in law enforcement myself) and they asked her to leave with the kids. She went to her parents house. She was only gone about 4 hours when she returned home and told me that she didn't know how she was going to get the kids to school or work, because she works from home. I agreed to once again leave the house (Stupid, stupid, stupid) A week went by and at the end of that week she had me served with a protection order.

The next week was a blur. I talked to friends, I talked to my kids, I talked to anyone I could to make sense of what was going on. My daughter told me that the day my W had found the GPS device, that she had come across an app on my W's phone where she was exchanging flirt texts with another man. They told each other how amazing they thought each other was and he sent her the Lone Star song "Amazing". I don't think I will ever be able to hear that song again without crying.

After that week I hired an attorney to fight the Protection Order and learned she had filled for divorce. That was 4 months ago... We have talked a lot over those 4 months and had mediation. The mediation didn't go well because we argued over the actual value of the home. She has told me that she is unwilling to R at this time and doesn't know when she will want to. She's told me "ILYBINILWY", and the latest was that if I would just leave her alone and give this some time that she may feel differently about me and the situation. But that she thinks I am unwilling to give it the time it will need for everything to heal.

After reading your posts Sandi, I now see that I really do need to leave her alone and let time do it's magic. I bought DB and DR last night and poured over it. Not a lot seems to apply to my sitch except for the LRT. About a month ago I blocked her phone number and refused to talk to her for 3 days. She finally got a hold of me on a number I didn't recognize and she cried and told me how she didn't want it to end this way and how sad she was. It was a side of her I hadn't heard in months. It only lasted that one phone call though as I called her that night and begged and cried and asked her to R with me.

The biggest problem now is that my W didn't make mortgage payments while all this was going on and our home has fallen into forclosure. We've discovered that we can file a Chapter 13 to save it and get caught up on the payments over the next 3-5 years. But guess who will be paying for all that? I'll have to pay for the CH13, the catch up payments and part of the mortgage. All while she enjoys living in our big beautiful home while I am forced to live in a small apartment. Small because I can't afford a nice apartment and paying to save the house that she will be living in. There is over 100K worth of equity in the house but I just don't think it's fair that I am displaced and paying for everything while she continues her plush lifestyle.

Sandi I know you said it sometimes takes a great loss to knock someone out of the fog. I can't think of any greater loss than that of our beautiful home. We have 6 children and it is going to be difficult to find housing for both of us where our children will be comfortable. One of our sons has a medical condition that is very expensive and one of our sons has a learning disability that would make it difficult for him to start over in a new school where the staff would need to learn how to work with him. His current school has done such a wonderful job finding out what works for him.

I know this is really long and I know it might not fit the exact topic but I wanted to make sure you saw this Sandi and I knew you had recently posted in this thread. Please give me any advice that you would think would be helpful. I'm so emotionally and physically exhausted.

-Prowl
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Sandi response:
What are the ages of you and W, and how many years have you been together?

You are seeking help from a great deal of resources in a relative short period of time. Blend it with all the various stressors you face right now, you must be feeling like a man who is about to go under the last time. Considering your health, I hope you will take a deep breath and try to calm yourself as much as possible. I believe when a person is under tremdous pressure and trying to obtain so much "quick" information, it could result in what I call "brain overload". Has nothing to do with IQ, but the circumstances or conditions. The body, mind, and spirit can just tolerate so much at once, until something starts shutting down. You already feel on the verge of emotional collapse, so please protect yourself by going into survival mode. You can't save your children, marriage, home, etc., if you drown first. So, this post will be my suggestions of what to do before you go down for the last time.

I don't say this as a plug for the DBing forum, but you really have to stop reading various forums.....at least for the time being. The more forums....the more opinions.....the more confusion for you. Your state of being cannot handle all of it at this time. In order to survive, go with one forum/author/program.

Think of your overall stitch as if it were a great body of water. Think of the M as being a a boat that's sinking. You cannot swim if your fear of deep water causes you to fight it, right? You won't survive by going down with the boat, right? You can't save the other passenger (WW) if she drowns you in the process. If you start grab at everything that is rushing pass by (all forums and all advice), the weight will be too great and you will drown. And, you won't swim until you first let go of that boat that has the bottom blown away? No matter what nice possessions you have obtained, you can't drag them along while trying to swim. So, which will it be? If you are too exhausted or scared to swim, and the waters are taking you down, grab a life saver that will hold you up till you can get to shallow water.

So, for now.....stop trying to save everything. Stop trying to win back your WW. Let go. Get your own sharp lawyer who will fight for your rights as a father, and will see what can be done about that PO. Get an educated, certified, legal adviser (someone who knows the laws about bankruptcy, realestate, divorce settlements, child support and custody, and the laws in your state. Don't rely upon the poll from public forums or friends (especially one who is giving advice to her, too?) about your finances and what to do with that monster of a house (that will soon be vacated by those teenagers). You want them to live in a comfortable, nice house? Do you really think the first five kids will still be living at home by the time you can catch up with the payments (not to mention paying off the mortage). What about college? What good will a big nice house be to their future, if they can't find a good job? See what I mean? What is most important? To have a big, empty house the kids can visit in a few years, or to downsize into an affordable, less comfy, house? Which should take priority, paying for their education to give them a better shot at having good careers......or this particular nice house for a few short years?

What do you believe is more important to the kids, to have both parents under the same room while getting divorced......or to keep things as it is now? Which is less stressful for them, and for you? Which way can you cope the best? What does the law have to say about which way is best for you? Find out.

Take care of you health, even if you don't care about it, six other people, at lest, care. Do something to help deal with the depression. Some types have to have help, b/c it doesn't go away by itself. You need to GAL, do something fun, and be around people who like you! Your WW is not going to give you emotional support. Don't go down that tunnel.

You are not powerless, you just feel powerless b/c all of it together is too strong. I am not telling you to go file for a D, if that's not what you want. Get your priorities in order to survive the crises. Then you can deal with other issues, including what and how to deal with our WW, her OM, etc., & etc.

Get some sleep. Tomorrow is another day.

((hugs))

Sandi


---------------------------
Thought this might help to bring this together.

And these are two wonderful special posts that deserve to be side by side.

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V 64, WAW


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I thought I had lost my post, but no worries cause friends came to the rescue. Prowl, I think I posted to you in Thriver's thread, and Vanilla has kindly united your first post with the last one I sent yesterday.

Hope your nerves will calmer today. I will try to check back in a while.


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Originally Posted By: thriver

Cadet, we may be in need of some moderation. Can you please move Sandi's post from my thread into Prowl's?

The merge appears to have worked and that post is now in this thread at 9:40 PM 7/2/15.

The merge function in UBB is not the best and although I have used it quite a few times I have also had some issues with it.
I don't like doing it from my phone either as if I make a mistake their is no FIXING it.


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I feel like giving up today. it's too exhausting both emotionally and mentally.

She called me about an hour ago and now she wants to file a Chapter 7 instead of a Chapter 13. the difference being our credit gets cleaned up a lot quicker, She's under the impression that our house wont be taken from us because we have small children. But all of our other property, Cars, furniture, my business items (Photography equipment) will be taken. Of coarse her solution to that is to hide all of our property at friends homes. I'm so frustrated with her mind set of "throw it all away in the name of "ME" being happy." I sat through listening to how happy she is now and that she just wants this to all be over so she can find someone to create her happily ever after with. I just listened and validated... I just don't see any hope in this situation of a R.


BD Oct 2014
S Dec 2014
D filed Feb 20, 2015
D on hold as money ran out for attorneys and the marital home's future is up in the air

D18
S17
S15
S13
S11
S8
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