mleigh, Your h's drug of choice right now is work. Some become workaholics and it does sound like your h is walking that path.
Take whatever your h says w/a grain of salt. You know your son the best...your son may not be the one that is dragging his feet to come home. However, if he is, step back a bit and give them the time and space a bit.
Give yourself a break. Sometimes you are too hard on yourself. It's not easy walking the MLC path and there isn't a right or wrong way to deal w/it. It's a trial by error type of situation and you'll learn as you go to choose your battles.
So, what's on your agenda for the holiday weekend?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Give yourself a break. Sometimes you are too hard on yourself. It's not easy walking the MLC path and there isn't a right or wrong way to deal w/it. It's a trial by error type of situation and you'll learn as you go to choose your battles.
Well said, job! It's very true, m. When you start thinking long-term when it comes to addressing things and dealing with issues, it helps put things in perspective. It's not just a right here, right now gig. It's a long haul...
Yeah .. as usual job is spot on, do not take this wrong but the fact your H seems to pour himself into work vs an OW I feel is somewhat unique here. You have been at this a bit, and I know its hard ... I guess I have just read so many sitches here that what .. 90% have a OP/A going on, not that its any better .. just a different twist in your sitch.
Love that quote .. have seen it before.
I do think your H is working on the R with your S ... its a good thing, we have seen others just run from that.
Not much to add ... you as always seem to handle these things with such strength and confidence... its an admirable trait you have and I do pray your H wakes up and realizes what a prize he has in you.
I do agree, work has become H's focus and escape. He seems to put all his time and energy into it. At least as far as I know based on my limited conversations with him. I have no idea what he does in his spare time, he could have OW for all I know.....just seems it would have come out by now.
Of course, I would much prefer he be a workaholic over having OW, my heart hurts for what so many of you have to deal with when it comes to facing an A. But sometimes when I let my brain start thinking about this and taking this all in....this would mean he really did leave home, family, break us apart, just to be alone? He told me, he just wanted to be alone. So, I see a man who just couldn't handle the every day pressures of wife, child and work. So, he dropped me, took on child part time, and puts everything he has into his job. That ticks me off, and hurts too.
MLC or big fat baby wimp? Sometimes I'm not so sure. Ok ok practice compassion, patience and grace... Either way, my plan is to come out of this a better person
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
MLC or big fat baby wimp? Sometimes I'm not so sure. Ok ok practice compassion, patience and grace... Either way, my plan is to come out of this a better person
Lol that made me laugh ... I have often thought about this too ... in a way giving them the MLC card almost feels like they get passes to be whack-jobs ... I know its not the case, and I also question my own sanity knowing a normal person would have cut anchor long ago.
I did good tonight with leeway and patience! Tonight H offered to pick up S instead of me dropping off. He was going to be in the area fixing someone's AC. Well, as expected, he got stuck in traffic and ended up over 2 hours later than planned. No worries for me, bonus time with S.
While here, I went over the plan for tomorrow. We both are off work, so I thought it fair we split the day with S. (S not so happy, wanted to come home in the morning) H and I discussed and decided on 3. He was a little wishy washy about it, so I will plan on picking S up at that time to avoid drama.
H asked what S and I were doing for the 4th. I told him, going to see the fireworks! (Duh. I am a 45 year old kid!) So he asked where? I said either my town or his town, they both have good shows.......and just smiled......wait for it......lol......He asked, can I come? I said, of course! I added, in fact, I am going to bbq some ribs if you want to eat with us before? His face lit up, said he would bring some smoking chips for the bbq so I can try it. AAAHHH, it's so nice when it is THEIR idea, you know? I was holding out for that.....
So that is the plan. You know me and plans. I will keep my expectations at zero and hope for the best. It has been quite a while since we have all spent any time together. I am hoping we can relax and enjoy it. He seems so stressed out all the time, kind of a downer....we shall see.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
You did great! You and your son will enjoy having "dad" there for the bbq and the fireworks. I do hope you have a great time and the weather cooperates. I think your will enjoy the time w/you and your son.
Enjoy the holiday and keep your expectations very low for now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thursday night H had S. Got a TM about 10:30 that night, a video from a couple of years ago of son singing and dancing like Axel Rose. He labeled it, an oldie but a goodie. This time, I didn't think.....awww he's thinking of me! Didn't read anything into it at all.
On Friday, H and I had agreed to 3 o'clock drop off. At 2, H sent me a TM that they were just eating lunch, then wanted to get frozen yogurt. He acknowledged that it was getting late (close to 3) and asked if I wanted to join them. We had agreed to meet up, but decided it was too hot to leave dog in truck, so instead H stopped by my house to drop off dog real quick first. He opened the front door, let dog in, and said we will meet you there! Door closed and off they went. I thought to myself, would it be too much to all drive together? I swear, I grumbled to myself that I am so happy I don't have to deal with you everyday you A** I almost didn't go, for just a split second. Decided I am Not going to let S down because of his father's rude behavior. On my way, got a TM from H saying sorry, he didn't want S to fry in the truck. Well, at least he acknowledged it...
So I showed up, smile on my face, had our frozen yogurt, and S and I came home.
Yesterday was the 4th. S and I planned our port activities for our cruise. It's only 2 weeks away! Then we cooled off in our mini pool, (the hot tub) Got a text from friend (that had stayed over, possibly setting off rumors to H) asking what my plans were for the day. I haven't heard from him since he gave me attitude at the graduation party. Anyway, I answered that H was coming over to bbq and watch fireworks. As far as I am concerned, I want him to think H is over a lot! He responded that he was happy to hear we were spending the holiday together as a family. I told him thank you and wished him a fun day.
H came over about 6. He stopped by real quick to drop off the smoking chips for the bbq, then was going down the street to buy some fireworks. He asked S to go, but S didn't feel like going with him. H got upset, had a little huffing and puffing tantrum, and stormed out to get fireworks. I looked at S, he looked upset. I thought, H was here 5 minutes and filled the house with his bad energy and drama. I wish S had gone with H, but they just don't have that relationship, not mine to fix.
So I decided H was not going to ruin the fun day we were having. I put some music on, gave S a big hug and got our party started. When H came back, S was a bit more excited, asked H what he got. They then went right outside to try some out. Whew! H's mood got much better. Next thing I knew, powder and garbage was all over my backyard oasis, but I let it go! I cooked up our meal while they played. We all ate outside and had some great conversations and laughs, was very relaxing. We finished off our fireworks and watched the local show, we can see it from the house. It was fun. H spent a lot of time on the phone, but only seemed to be looking things up, and taking pictures and videos. He explained what he was doing every time he went on his phone, not sure if that was for me.
He left about 10:30. He gave S and dog big hugs, then came over to give me one, which he rarely does. He was jumpy and nervous, I calmly and slowly hugged him, held it for a couple of seconds, gave him a squeeze while I thanked him for the firework show and let him go.
After 15 years, I have no idea what is going on in his head. I really can't tell where he is at. The only thing that stood out to me was that he called his place "the rental house" instead of home. I really tried to just focus on enjoying the family time. It went better than I expected.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
I think you are handling your sitch with such grace. You seem to have found the delicate balance between kindness and some firm boundaries. Mainly, I'm inspired by your ability to handle his antics without taking it personally.
Much love,
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
