Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 6 of 11 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 10 11
Bob723 #2583305 06/30/15 01:30 AM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
Z
Zues126 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
Hey Bob. Been a hard few days.

Thursday/Friday I was pretty bottomed out. Just so overwhelmed and sad. Mediation starts Thursday. So much piling up. And what we're doing just seems so horrible. I was so empty on Friday, I went to work because I had to, but when someone asked me how I was doing I just broke down and started crying. That kind of a day.

I talked to my Dad on Friday and he came down on Saturday for a visit (he lives 2 hours away). We had lunch, then we went to a poolhall that has a weekly tournament. We both played in it. He won a match (which was pretty cool) and I ended up winning the tournament (which also was pretty cool).

Playing pool makes me feel sublime. Why? At the surface you could say the ego thing, winning tournaments with people watching, etc. Partly it's because it is an escape from the pain. More of it has to do with how amazing it is to play the way I play. It's hard to explain. At times it's otherworldly, and it's a joy to be able to channel the beauty that is that level of exquisite play. But a large part of it is that it makes me feel like myself. Maybe because I've played since I was 12. Maybe for other reasons. But somehow when I play it gets me in touch with my spirit, the part of me that reminds me who I am and why I enjoy being me.

Even though it took a lot of energy to play, I found myself recharged in so many ways. I used that to get a lot of things done yesterday and today, paperwork for L, grocery shopping, bills, laundry, and lots of work for my job.

My two thoughts of the day. First, I am sad at times but not depressed. It's situational, because this stuff is hard, hard stuff. It's not depression because I don't think I AM a problem, I am just dealing with a problem. For me that's a big step, because I used to be depressed, now I'm doing better and just dealing with a lot. Second, I remember that I'm not sad simply due to the divorce. Sure, that's still difficult for me. But that's life. If I was in my M I would be frustrated as hell with STBX, dealing with resentments and hurts, and other pain from our M. It's so easy to think that if we were still M it would somehow all be better, but that's not life. It helps me to remember that busting the D or not is not a contest of whether I'll be eternally fulfilled or eternally lonely and heartbroken. It's a big deal, but in some ways it's really not a big deal. It's just life.

So mediation Thursday. This does make me anxious. I feel like I'm playing a game with the future of my family and my life as the stakes. I've played for a lot of money, but this is ridiculous. My plan is to work out in the morning, then meditate for a while. I also plan on writing out 3 things that could come up that would be 'triggers' that might be hard to deal with, then visualize myself handling it according to my game plan. I'm treating this like a big game, not in the sense that it's a joke to me...remember, I take games very seriously.

As of this moment I'm chill, relaxed, playing some online chess and reading. I just won with the black pieces and found a way to draw a lost position with the white pieces. I guess my life is ok wink


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues126 #2583368 06/30/15 11:08 AM
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 986
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 986
Hey Zues....I just wanted to reflect on your feelings on playing pool in the tournament. Your description prompted me to recall my reading of Martin Seligman's book Authentic Happiness...especially Chapter 7 called Happiness in the Present. He discusses the ideas or experiences of "gratifications" and being in the "flow". I believe your above description of what happens for you when you play pool fall fully into these descriptions. I would not do the terms justice in describing them here. So If you get a chance to read this book, particularly chapter 7, I think it would be informative and valuable and allow you insight into what your skill, strength and joy at playing pool might really mean to your overall happiness in life. I think it might give you a new appreciation for the place of pool in your life. But then again maybe not, lol. Just my hope really.

Anyway all my good thoughts for you at this time while you are sad but optimistic. XxxxJB

Last edited by JellyB; 06/30/15 11:10 AM.
JellyB #2583737 07/01/15 04:15 AM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
Z
Zues126 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
Thanks JB. I've got quite the list of book recommendations, I still haven't gotten to gans or the stuff my dad has given me. But yours is on my list. I do love to read, and I still am holding out hope that I can learn and grow.

Still reading "9 fantasies that will destroy your life". For being easy reading it's not easy reading because I have to stop and think often, and there are quite a few things that trigger me to rehash situations in my marriage. I'm still stunned with how much of a disaster it was.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm psyching myself out on relationships. I mean, I read daily about breakups, wayward spouses, betrayals, etc. Everything is strategy, people trying to face demons, grow and change. Books, counselors, and tremendous daily effort. I know relationships are tough, but looking at all of this, thinking about all of my problems, all the challenges I would bring, all the things to balance out or work through...it just gets me feeling like it's impossible.

As I write this I am a little fed up. One of my biggest problems is that I am a perfectionist, and I could drive myself insane trying to change into something I'm not. I'm all about "no more mr. nice guy" in the sense of learning to be more direct, reducing my expectations, etc. But I read all of these books and posts and it creates this idea in my head that there is a 'right' way to be, and I'm just never going to be there. I want to keep doing what I can to avoid destructive outlooks and behavior, but the idea that I can become someone I'm not is maybe the most destructive, because I can't, and I just feel defeated and discouraged when I think I'm supposed to.

One example is that I'm not confident with women, nor do I shine in situations in which there are social games being played. I'm not sure if I've ever asked a woman out for a date. I'm certainly not awkward socially, I'm a sales professional, I put people at ease, if other people are uncomfortable I can still break the ice, I have a great sense of humor, and I believe in myself tremendously. I'm just not the bold alpha male that commands everyone's attention.

When the man-cave thread came out there were a bunch of guys talking about how to become that type of man. Mozza is a guy that is pushing himself out of his comfort zone, being more direct, asking for what he wants...but that doesn't work for me in that I don't want to go date a bunch of women, nor do I want a woman that wants that type of man.

The truth is I'll probably always be shy of women initially, but I'm fortunate to live in an internet age, and when I'm in my element (pool, work, etc) I am extremely confident because I'm almost 'in character'. For example, I had no problem handling myself cool and calm with the coworker that expressed some interest several months ago (until I found out she was married and ran for the hills). So I'm thinking things will work out the way they work out. But the biggest point is that I'm done thinking there's just one way to be. The alpha male is to men what the anorexic models are to women. Good for them that they're 80lbs, and good for them those guys that they have their confidence through their ears...for me I may need to ease of trying to grown and change, and instead work on accepting myself as is. I think that would be the biggest growth of all.

Thanks for listening all. Wishing you all a good night's sleep in DB world.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues126 #2584040 07/02/15 01:06 AM
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
Amen.

I dont know what we expect of ourselves now. What's the test that you have become that person you want be? I dont think there can be a single test designed. I think the test is just life. Live it. You know what behaviours you dont want in your life. So just live, and if you notice them, squash them or deal with them. If you fail and end up back here, start again.

We need to find compassion and forgiveness for ourselves which is harder than finding it for others.

I know what you mean about disaster. Almost everyday I realise something that was really screwed up in my M/R. One of them is similar to your issue with women. My core-belief system won't allow me to believe that a woman could be attracted to me, and so I have almost snagged each R on the first bite. This is not exactly true, but I certainly have not been as discerning as I should have been.

There were massive incompatibilities in my M that I worked around. Dont get me wrong I love my W terribly, and this is why I did turn a blind eye to the incompatibilities. But maybe I should've just kept fishing until I met someone that had it all. Maybe I should've had the confidence to remain in the pool for longer, single. Maybe this is about expectations again. Maybe this is the way it will always be. With my W this wasn't an issue until the M started turning bad.

It occured to me a while back, when I was thinking about meeting someone in the future and the reality of how hard it actually is to do that, that I am most likely going to have several Rs before finding the right one. This saddens me more, to the point where I couldn't even be bothered starting.

Oh well frown. I am having a rough trot as well Z. I am back to agonising over my W's behaviour (past and current) and also her PA with OM. I feel it is just making a mockery out of our M and in particular me. I dont know for sure but everything suggests that she is now the physical partner she never was for me. Maybe she did just love me like a brother as she said once. I just feel drained! Of course doesn't help that I have L action impending and sick kids to boot.

-Py


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Pyrite #2584060 07/02/15 02:20 AM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
Z
Zues126 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
Sorry you're in the rough Py. I've got mediation scheduled for tomorrow. I've had a pre-med. call with L, have studied the talking points and both of the L's proposals, have done some preparation, but still feel like I'm clueless as to what's going to happen. STBX and I are so far apart in some ways I just don't see how we can bridge the gap. But I guess I'll see what happens.

As for the rant above, I have a hard time with understanding things that aren't linear. Pool? Solved. Chess? Makes sense. Sales? Much more multidimensional, but a clear target with a desired outcome, keep making tweaks until you bring home the bacon.

Relationships are tough because there isn't a "right". I mean, there are some general do's and don'ts, but there are many more shades of grey. Do I demand more from a partner, or accept that we're all imperfect and compromise? Is this a need or a want? A desire or an expectation? Am I a bulldozer or a pushover? Can we make the M better, or is this the best it can be and I should shut up and be appreciative because trying to fix something that isn't broken is breaking it? Am I a terrible person or a good guy managing his problems the best he can?

These questions are tough for me. Being a perfectionist I get uncomfortable without a right or wrong. Even in my current sales role I've driven my manager nuts because I'm pretty over-analytical (although he's reckless and a bit careless, just polar opposites...but we have a TON of mutual respect). My confidence in myself is really low because of all of these grey areas, but little by little I take all of these complex systems and abstract dynamics and it's like I stare at them and I stare at them and I stare at them...then it's like I'm in the Matrix and I'm seeing all 0s and 1s, and suddenly I have it SOLVED. Then I'm like world class and all of the things that I used to think about are now intuitive and ingrained, and I can THEN feel confident and go off of feel. But first I have to do thousands of hours of heavy computing.

I think if I have a hope of salvation that's how it will look in my interpersonal R's. I have been reading, posting, IC, etc...I am spinning my brain in circles, and right now those problems look unsolvable. And some certainly are to an extent. But I may get to the point that I figure out who I am to the point I'm satisfied.

Funny story about that...there are three styles of pool players in terms of speed: those that play fast, those that play slow, and those that shift gears depending on how they feel and the table layout. They each have their advantages and disadvantages. In my quest for perfection I spent like 3-4 years obsessing with the 'right' speed to play. I studied champions of all styles, looked at the differences between the guy that never won but was always top 10, vs. the guy that would win two in a row then go into a slump. I experimented, studied, picked the brains of my peers, and FINALLY...after years I found the answer: IT DOESN'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE. JUST PLAY MY GAME. But even though that answer seems obvious and like my efforts were a waste, I'm never bothered by that questions now because I've made peace.

Thanks for talking Py. I'm a little nervous. Good to know you know I'm wrestling alligators wink


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues126 #2584086 07/02/15 04:50 AM
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,387
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,387
Good luck tomorrow Z. I work with athletes all day, and have for years. The best advice I've ever been given and have ever given is what you said in your last paragraph - Just play your game.

It's yours. It'll never be perfect because perfect doesn't exist. It's an impossibility. But it's yours. Play your game tomorrow. Play your game with your W. Play your game in your next R. And play your game in sales.

No one can be you as well as you can. In business, on the pool table, tomorrow in the meeting, and down the road with someone else. You know who's going to end up being perfect? You'll be perfect in the eyes of someone, with all of your faults, insecurities, and foibles. And there will be stuff about you that you didn't even know existed that will drive her nuts. So you'll adapt. Life is fluid my friend.

Be water.

Will be thinking of you tomorrow, play well.


M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
PigPen #2584094 07/02/15 07:22 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Z, I think 'right' is acting in accordance with your core values - even when you feel emotional and it's tough to do that. It's acting in a way that 2,3,5 years down the line you'll look back and feel proud and at peace with. Good luck my friend x


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Zues126 #2584109 07/02/15 12:39 PM
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 569
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 569
Zues,
Just wanted to say I was thinking of you on this tough stretch.


Me:35 W:30
D:4 S:1
Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA
In House Separation: 01/14/15
W moves out: 04/05/15
I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15
W serves D papers: 06/19/15
Mediation: 09/16/15
D final: 12/01/15
Defacto #2584164 07/02/15 04:53 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
Z
Zues126 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
Thanks guys. I can feel all of my emotions very strongly going into this session.

I am concerned with allowing my emotions take focus on what's important- my children. I'm concerned that my emotions will overpower me and I'll allow this to become a forum to voice my feelings.

Divorce is wrong. Mediation is wrong. This is wrong. This is a crime of the highest order. I am against my will being forced into a process that is dismantling my family.

I appreciate the mediators and lawyers that are trying to make this civil and minimize the damage, but it's hard not to resent them as their very existence endorses this path.

I read about "how to prepare for divorce mediation" and there are all of these articles that treat this like it's a day at the office.

Walk away wives. Lawyers. Courts. Magazine journalists. Good for all of you. How very progressive a culture, our right to personal happiness has now blossomed and we don't have to put up with oppressive marriages that could threaten that.

I am praying to find a way to forgive the crime that has been committed against me, and all of you. I won't waiver on my beliefs that it is a crime of the highest order, and it is when people defend or minimize it that I feel my emotions flare up. But I need to find compassion for not just the perpetrators, but those that minimize these issues. I have faith I'll get there.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues126 #2584167 07/02/15 05:00 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
You'll get there Z - Acceptance and Business are my two watchwords just now. Acceptance of the impending D process and Businesslike in my response...

I hope it goes as well as it can ((((Zues)))


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Page 6 of 11 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard