as_it_is - my adventure continues

[Defacto]

Asitis,
Thanks for dropping by my sitch (and everybody else's) and giving great advice. I'm sorry that your day was a bit out of whack. Here's to hoping you can sneak that beer in. Cheers!

[PigPen]

Thanks for your comments on my thread Asitis. I just read through your whole situation. Glad to have found a fellow meditator.

I think for us both, time on the cushion is vital right now. I'm committing to at least 25 min a day next week as it helps me stay much calmer throughout the day. 25 minutes for a calm day? I'll take it.

Sounds like your sitch has some complexity to it but also that you and your W are both doing the necessary work despite what she may be telling you about what she wants.

Keep breathing.

PP

[asitis]

Yes, meditation is an incredible gift. If you get a chance when you feel brave enough to ride the emotional rollercoaster, I highly recommend doing some multi-day retreats. Clearing some space for yourself every day is great, but having to just sit and face yourself with no escape is another part of the practice. But be warned, it can be rough emotionally.

I go to a nearby Zen monastery for almost monthly weekend sesshins (intensive retreat), and am headed out for a couple weeks of almost as intense practice there in about 2 weeks. I'll be gone over my anniversary which will also be a big plus.

I'd also recommend a couple practices & books/audio. First, Pema Chodron's stuff is excellent. I highly recommend When Things Fall Apart (book or audio book), and her audio recording of a retreat titled Getting Unstuck (Don't Bite the Hook is good on patience and anger as well).

I've also found Lojong training helpful. It is another Tibetan tool, but I like Norman Fischer's (a Zen priest) book on it (Zen Practice of Compassion).

Do you have a group to sit with? Another highly recommended thing, as there is a difference and it adds social/GAL to the process.

I have a formal teacher (Soto Zen), and she keeps me busy with stuff to read and practice. Definitely has helped with ability to keep my seat in the midst of chaos and GAL. If you have inclinations down this path, definitely a good use of the free time you've been given.

Cheers!

[asitis]

OK, so I've been interacting on a lot of people's thread in recent days on wrestling with frustration and discouragement that their sitch isn't showing signs of progress/improvement. I struggle with this, and am currently wrestling with seeing nothing and also that my kids seem to be showing some signs of negative impact. There have also been a few people that have voiced objection to the notion that we have been given a gift on a couple threads I've been following. So, I thought I would post a little something on persistence and why I have faith that staying the course I've plotted will give me what I need (not necessarily what I think I want right at the moment, but what I need).

I have no control over a whole host of things. People I care about may not respond to my efforts the way I want them. The only thing I have are my values and my belief that good will come of sticking with those. This is not blind faith. For me, it is not faith in some kind of reward in the afterlife (that may be, but it is not what I'm getting at & not that far in the future - hopefully I have a ways before afterlife is an issue anyway). It is more a recognition that in the past when I've practiced good and stuck with my best values, no matter how hard, it has given me good in return, even if it wasn't the good I was hoping for.

So, I'll just remind myself what has come of my struggles to save my M so far in the past 14 months as a bit of reminder for myself of why patience and persistence are the path I want to tread even when things seem tough in the short run.

First, I learned to let my emotional walls down and regained a connection with an inner emotional life that I had been muted for a long time, and that this muting had left me less than fully alive and ineffective in my relationships. I learned then to deal more effectively with those emotions and keep my walls down even when the painful emotions hit me full force.

I've developed a very deep and sustainable personal meditation practice, that has spread out into learning additional practices that help me more effectively live a full life and get a handle on some difficult relationships and habits. I often tended to be quick to anger, for instance. Now, I almost never get angry and even irritation and irritability are not much of an issue. I've been able to dig deeply into a whole host of dysfunctional core beliefs and habit patterns due to my practice, and made them less powerful parts of my everyday life. I've developed patience, a much more calm, positive outlook, sense of joy in life, and playfulness thanks to these things.

I've learned better what was truly important to me and what was not. I've learned better to appreciate the people in my life and to care for them. I've learned to detach and give those people the space to grow on their own better. I've learned to listen much better and offer unsolicited advice a lot less.

I've made a lot of new friends, and tried some new activities that I found I really enjoyed. I'm making a career change that I'm very excited about. I've been better about taking care of my health, dropped some excess flab and gotten fitter.

All of these things flowed out of the M crisis and my W's continued movement away and out of my life.

I've become genuinely more happy and like where my life is headed. Sure, I hope the M can be rebuilt, but the rest of my life wasn't in a very good place and now it is. I'm much closer to my kids. I've found a lot of people who have given me a lot of support. I've also been able to pay that forward by helping a lot of other people.

I'm continuing to grow, and know that that will continue for as long as I live and am functional. I know I'm able to have much healthier intimate relationships, and will be a much better partner with someone.

So, do I have faith that my M will work out? No. I hope it will. I don't look forward to the next couple decades of co-parenting w/ and XW, which is a real possibility. I don't look forward to wading into the single world again. I don't look forward to the possibility that I will only be a half-time father. But as with other times in my life when I've stood up and persisted to do the right thing even when times were tough, I trust that good things will come from that. It is the only thing I can truly control. That is enough. Of course, I would like certain specific outcomes, but I know that they will not come from not persisting on the course I've set out on, and I also know that I won't be as likely to keep realizing all the truly wonderful things I have by doing the tough, but right thing if I abandon this path.

Now I need to print this page out and stick it somewhere to pull out when I'm having doubts.

Peace.

[asitis]

Rough day today. Just felt out of sorts. The kids had a rough night, so I didn't get a great night sleep. Older S had meltdown at the Library that was no fun and scared the younger.

W had to come pick something up & do some mowing (we have a big yard and have to take turns mowing, and it has been raining daily since I got back from vacation). We talked briefly. Seemed distant and cold. Never fun, and I was already out of sorts, so I had a "what's the use" thought (I know ironic given my last post, but you see how hard it is to keep your mind in a good place even with lots of practice and insight).

Helping others on their thread seems to have helped restore some of my mood. Just wish the kids would stop provoking each other and settle down a bit. Back to see if I can get them out of their mood with a bit more playtime.

[NDY]

Hi mate.

So first, thanks for the insightful posts on my thread. It's incredibly useful to hear from you. I recon you will be a vet one day.

As for today? Yea. That's the rollercoaster. Bummer or what? But what was it you said to me? You and so many others. Don't let her mood dictate your mood.

So spend time with the kids. Play. Have fun. It's apparently very attractive to be a good dad. Many a woman on this forum have told me that truism.

Peace my friend.

[Fogg]

(I know ironic given my last post, but you see how hard it is to keep your mind in a good place even with lots of practice and insight).

Happens to us all. Hard to keep yourself in that middle ground where you aren't falling apart from desperation or wanting to say f' it and be done. Rollercoaster of emotions.

Helping others on their thread seems to have helped restore some of my mood. Just wish the kids would stop provoking each other and settle down a bit. Back to see if I can get them out of their mood with a bit more playtime.

My kids have been fighting most of the day. At one point D4 was dragging S2 around the floor by his leg after he wouldn't leave "her space". Had to put an end to that.

The help to others is appreciated, its nice to always have that detached opinion from others.

[PigPen]

Sorry you had a tough one Asitis, what's the best Zen approach? Breathe and let it roll off of you. Stay present. Lean into it.

Pema is a genius, I had the opportunity to hear her speak a few weeks back and she talked about how in hindsight the hardest times in her life were the ones that gave the opportunity for the most growth. They were the times that now at 79, she was most grateful for. I heard her. Knew somewhere intellectually that I've grown in unmeasurable ways from my situation - and equally wished that my W was at the talk holding my hand.

I fully believe that how much sleep we get also dictates how much energy we have to staving off our emotional ups and downs. On days when I don't sleep well or dream of my W I have a terrible time the next day. It's like a curse until I get to go to bed the next night and roll the dice again.

Keep breathing and know that this too shall pass and tomorrow is a brand new day filled with infinite possibilities.

Big hug my friend,

PP

[asitis]

Just wanted to post this one from the archives because it is a great reminder to all us LBHs when we are frustrated that our WAWs aren't buying our changes and aren't seeming to respond to our DBing the way we want. It is something I want to be reminded of when I'm going through and reviewing my own thread.

Advice from WAW

Cheers.

[PigPen]

It's a good read. And a hard one. We do focus on our own pain.

I know I was furious at my W when I told her, "But I've quit smoking, for real, never again. This time I mean it." five days after she had left and she said that five days of good behavior meant nothing. I knew in my heart I was done, but she'd heard that same speech 10 times in our M.

She couldn't look into my heart and see the depth of the change and I couldn't look into hers and see the depth of her pain or how many times I had hurt her. On my hard days I try to remember that it's an even trade.

Somewhere I read that "healing happens on the injured party's timeline." Thus the necessity of time around here. And often, the longer the better. Rushing back into something too early is a recipe for disaster not because us LBS's haven't changed, but because the WAW's haven't fully healed.

Getting that concept was big for me. Even if I forget on most mornings when my emotions over ride the understanding.

Thanks for posting that Asitis. Happy sitting.

PP