2 Post - learning too slowly

[Last]

Clear evidence that I am my own worst enemy. Everything below is true. All of it. It's a real reality check from WW. I have made strides but I have more work to do. It is SO hard. Even this info is bad because it was an R talk, but at least useful and should be the last one for a while.

Insight from WW tonight(Her words):

(On why the flip from cuddly to cold overnight) Intimacy we had for past few weeks began to feel like it was intimacy for intimacy's sake.

We were intimate and then you went and pulled some snooping and it was a slap in the face, like our connecting didn't matter.

We were just playing like everything was ok because we were lonely, but what had changed?

Felt like you were shifting back to old habits. "Not being your own person"

Worried about investing again only to be hurt. "If I am going to start over, should I choose a better bet?"

Being around you makes me not want to be around you. Every interaction turns into a R talk or argument.

I am handling this better than you. I am alone too. I have lost my best friend too. I am holding it together and you are losing it periodically.

Your actions ruined the connection we had reestablished. You don't get to ruin the emotional connection and still have a physical one.

You never noticed me improving (during months of weight loss). You didn't compliment me, congratulate me, or encourage me. (this I did do but clearly not effectively if this is what she remembers)

If I would have just adhered to the principals I have already learned, I would have been so far ahead of where I am now. It is a battle against my own nature and insecurities and I am only now beginning to turn the tide. I pray it's not too late!!!

[asitis]

So what are you going to do about it?

First, no R talks. None. Not even hints or questions. None.

Second, no snooping. Even if you find something out, what are you going to do? Tell her and she'll blast you for snooping. You clearly want to know and control her. She is clearly telling you she will leave you if you can't stop. So you just need to stop. Get out if you need to, until you can control yourself.

She wants someone who is strong and consistent during a time when she is weak and struggling. You are falling apart, and it is not attractive. Again, get out and visit friends or something if you can't keep it together. Better to be absent than continue to show her that you are having trouble handling things.

You are your own worst enemy right now. Almost all of us have been there. So, don't think you're some exception and a failure. You haven't killed it, but you do need to stop doing all of the above right a way.

[Last]

So what are you going to do about it?

First, no R talks. None. Not even hints or questions. None.

Second, no snooping. Even if you find something out, what are you going to do? Tell her and she'll blast you for snooping. You clearly want to know and control her. She is clearly telling you she will leave you if you can't stop. So you just need to stop. Get out if you need to, until you can control yourself.

She wants someone who is strong and consistent during a time when she is weak and struggling. You are falling apart, and it is not attractive. Again, get out and visit friends or something if you can't keep it together. Better to be absent than continue to show her that you are having trouble handling things.

You are your own worst enemy right now. Almost all of us have been there. So, don't think you're some exception and a failure. You haven't killed it, but you do need to stop doing all of the above right a way.

Yes. I have mastered the snooping. I don't do it. I don't even want to know anymore. What would it help?

These R talks, they start with just a tiny hint of a question and then take off in crazy directions and last WAY too long. I can't even ask the little questions. Have to just kill that completely.

Showing strength. I need to know what that looks like. What does a "strong" person do? What actions? How do they appear strong? Even when I am dying inside I want to put on a strong appearance.

Perhaps I take a cue from my wife. She is setting the tone for our interaction by removing herself. I could have done that. Only, we are in the same house with 2 kids. How do I show similar strength? What are ways that I can demonstrate strength since to this point I have failed to do so?

[asitis]

So what are you going to do about it?

First, no R talks. None. Not even hints or questions. None.

Second, no snooping. Even if you find something out, what are you going to do? Tell her and she'll blast you for snooping. You clearly want to know and control her. She is clearly telling you she will leave you if you can't stop. So you just need to stop. Get out if you need to, until you can control yourself.

She wants someone who is strong and consistent during a time when she is weak and struggling. You are falling apart, and it is not attractive. Again, get out and visit friends or something if you can't keep it together. Better to be absent than continue to show her that you are having trouble handling things.

You are your own worst enemy right now. Almost all of us have been there. So, don't think you're some exception and a failure. You haven't killed it, but you do need to stop doing all of the above right a way.

Yes. I have mastered the snooping. I don't do it. I don't even want to know anymore. What would it help?

These R talks, they start with just a tiny hint of a question and then take off in crazy directions and last WAY too long. I can't even ask the little questions. Have to just kill that completely.

Showing strength. I need to know what that looks like. What does a "strong" person do? What actions? How do they appear strong? Even when I am dying inside I want to put on a strong appearance.

Perhaps I take a cue from my wife. She is setting the tone for our interaction by removing herself. I could have done that. Only, we are in the same house with 2 kids. How do I show similar strength? What are ways that I can demonstrate strength since to this point I have failed to do so?

Strong person GAL, doesn't beg or pursue, doesn't start up R talk, respects her wish for space, and is consistent. Not the stereotype of strong, but someone who doesn't appear needy and can keep getting what needs to be done during a painful time. Think of it as her wondering if she can count on you when the sh*t hits the fan. It is hitting it hard and she wants to see you stand up in the moment and do what is necessary, including doing the things you don't really want to do (like stop wooing her).

The R talk coming from little things is why I said there can be none. You need to go cold turkey. Again, if you need a few days away to gain that kind of control, do it. No matter what she says, you are not to ask about the R, talk about the future together, or anything. That is going to be number one on your agenda right now.

Good luck. I know it's hard.

[Matt777]

So what are you going to do about it?

First, no R talks. None. Not even hints or questions. None.

Second, no snooping. Even if you find something out, what are you going to do? Tell her and she'll blast you for snooping. You clearly want to know and control her. She is clearly telling you she will leave you if you can't stop. So you just need to stop. Get out if you need to, until you can control yourself.

She wants someone who is strong and consistent during a time when she is weak and struggling. You are falling apart, and it is not attractive. Again, get out and visit friends or something if you can't keep it together. Better to be absent than continue to show her that you are having trouble handling things.

You are your own worst enemy right now. Almost all of us have been there. So, don't think you're some exception and a failure. You haven't killed it, but you do need to stop doing all of the above right a way.

Yes. I have mastered the snooping. I don't do it. I don't even want to know anymore. What would it help?

These R talks, they start with just a tiny hint of a question and then take off in crazy directions and last WAY too long. I can't even ask the little questions. Have to just kill that completely.

Showing strength. I need to know what that looks like. What does a "strong" person do? What actions? How do they appear strong? Even when I am dying inside I want to put on a strong appearance.

Perhaps I take a cue from my wife. She is setting the tone for our interaction by removing herself. I could have done that. Only, we are in the same house with 2 kids. How do I show similar strength? What are ways that I can demonstrate strength since to this point I have failed to do so?

Strong person GAL, doesn't beg or pursue, doesn't start up R talk, respects her wish for space, and is consistent. Not the stereotype of strong, but someone who doesn't appear needy and can keep getting what needs to be done during a painful time. Think of it as her wondering if she can count on you when the sh*t hits the fan. It is hitting it hard and she wants to see you stand up in the moment and do what is necessary, including doing the things you don't really want to do (like stop wooing her).

The R talk coming from little things is why I said there can be none. You need to go cold turkey. Again, if you need a few days away to gain that kind of control, do it. No matter what she says, you are not to ask about the R, talk about the future together, or anything. That is going to be number one on your agenda right now.

Good luck. I know it's hard.

And don't forget the positive attitude.

Show her your best self. Always.

[Last]

So what are you going to do about it?

First, no R talks. None. Not even hints or questions. None.

Second, no snooping. Even if you find something out, what are you going to do? Tell her and she'll blast you for snooping. You clearly want to know and control her. She is clearly telling you she will leave you if you can't stop. So you just need to stop. Get out if you need to, until you can control yourself.

She wants someone who is strong and consistent during a time when she is weak and struggling. You are falling apart, and it is not attractive. Again, get out and visit friends or something if you can't keep it together. Better to be absent than continue to show her that you are having trouble handling things.

You are your own worst enemy right now. Almost all of us have been there. So, don't think you're some exception and a failure. You haven't killed it, but you do need to stop doing all of the above right a way.

Yes. I have mastered the snooping. I don't do it. I don't even want to know anymore. What would it help?

These R talks, they start with just a tiny hint of a question and then take off in crazy directions and last WAY too long. I can't even ask the little questions. Have to just kill that completely.

Showing strength. I need to know what that looks like. What does a "strong" person do? What actions? How do they appear strong? Even when I am dying inside I want to put on a strong appearance.

Perhaps I take a cue from my wife. She is setting the tone for our interaction by removing herself. I could have done that. Only, we are in the same house with 2 kids. How do I show similar strength? What are ways that I can demonstrate strength since to this point I have failed to do so?

Strong person GAL, doesn't beg or pursue, doesn't start up R talk, respects her wish for space, and is consistent. Not the stereotype of strong, but someone who doesn't appear needy and can keep getting what needs to be done during a painful time. Think of it as her wondering if she can count on you when the sh*t hits the fan. It is hitting it hard and she wants to see you stand up in the moment and do what is necessary, including doing the things you don't really want to do (like stop wooing her).

The R talk coming from little things is why I said there can be none. You need to go cold turkey. Again, if you need a few days away to gain that kind of control, do it. No matter what she says, you are not to ask about the R, talk about the future together, or anything. That is going to be number one on your agenda right now.

Good luck. I know it's hard.

Yes I agree. You know I kept trying to get these little temp. checks to see what she was thinking and invariably it would expand and go on for a half hour. Nothing is resolved and we both walk away regretting the interaction. What a waste. R talks are DONE.

What is a loving way to decline if SHE initiates one?

[Last]

So what are you going to do about it?

First, no R talks. None. Not even hints or questions. None.

Second, no snooping. Even if you find something out, what are you going to do? Tell her and she'll blast you for snooping. You clearly want to know and control her. She is clearly telling you she will leave you if you can't stop. So you just need to stop. Get out if you need to, until you can control yourself.

She wants someone who is strong and consistent during a time when she is weak and struggling. You are falling apart, and it is not attractive. Again, get out and visit friends or something if you can't keep it together. Better to be absent than continue to show her that you are having trouble handling things.

You are your own worst enemy right now. Almost all of us have been there. So, don't think you're some exception and a failure. You haven't killed it, but you do need to stop doing all of the above right a way.

Yes. I have mastered the snooping. I don't do it. I don't even want to know anymore. What would it help?

These R talks, they start with just a tiny hint of a question and then take off in crazy directions and last WAY too long. I can't even ask the little questions. Have to just kill that completely.

Showing strength. I need to know what that looks like. What does a "strong" person do? What actions? How do they appear strong? Even when I am dying inside I want to put on a strong appearance.

Perhaps I take a cue from my wife. She is setting the tone for our interaction by removing herself. I could have done that. Only, we are in the same house with 2 kids. How do I show similar strength? What are ways that I can demonstrate strength since to this point I have failed to do so?

Strong person GAL, doesn't beg or pursue, doesn't start up R talk, respects her wish for space, and is consistent. Not the stereotype of strong, but someone who doesn't appear needy and can keep getting what needs to be done during a painful time. Think of it as her wondering if she can count on you when the sh*t hits the fan. It is hitting it hard and she wants to see you stand up in the moment and do what is necessary, including doing the things you don't really want to do (like stop wooing her).

The R talk coming from little things is why I said there can be none. You need to go cold turkey. Again, if you need a few days away to gain that kind of control, do it. No matter what she says, you are not to ask about the R, talk about the future together, or anything. That is going to be number one on your agenda right now.

Good luck. I know it's hard.

And don't forget the positive attitude.

Show her your best self. Always.

I have been doing well with the PMA. I have stopped many bad habits that were negative. I have cut a great deal of negativity out of my life. When I encounter it now I shy away. I want to be a positive person.

I am working out, dressing my best always. Staying well groomed, smelling good.

Always open to other suggestions for demonstrating positivity.

[Matt777]

So what are you going to do about it?

First, no R talks. None. Not even hints or questions. None.

Second, no snooping. Even if you find something out, what are you going to do? Tell her and she'll blast you for snooping. You clearly want to know and control her. She is clearly telling you she will leave you if you can't stop. So you just need to stop. Get out if you need to, until you can control yourself.

She wants someone who is strong and consistent during a time when she is weak and struggling. You are falling apart, and it is not attractive. Again, get out and visit friends or something if you can't keep it together. Better to be absent than continue to show her that you are having trouble handling things.

You are your own worst enemy right now. Almost all of us have been there. So, don't think you're some exception and a failure. You haven't killed it, but you do need to stop doing all of the above right a way.

Yes. I have mastered the snooping. I don't do it. I don't even want to know anymore. What would it help?

These R talks, they start with just a tiny hint of a question and then take off in crazy directions and last WAY too long. I can't even ask the little questions. Have to just kill that completely.

Showing strength. I need to know what that looks like. What does a "strong" person do? What actions? How do they appear strong? Even when I am dying inside I want to put on a strong appearance.

Perhaps I take a cue from my wife. She is setting the tone for our interaction by removing herself. I could have done that. Only, we are in the same house with 2 kids. How do I show similar strength? What are ways that I can demonstrate strength since to this point I have failed to do so?

Strong person GAL, doesn't beg or pursue, doesn't start up R talk, respects her wish for space, and is consistent. Not the stereotype of strong, but someone who doesn't appear needy and can keep getting what needs to be done during a painful time. Think of it as her wondering if she can count on you when the sh*t hits the fan. It is hitting it hard and she wants to see you stand up in the moment and do what is necessary, including doing the things you don't really want to do (like stop wooing her).

The R talk coming from little things is why I said there can be none. You need to go cold turkey. Again, if you need a few days away to gain that kind of control, do it. No matter what she says, you are not to ask about the R, talk about the future together, or anything. That is going to be number one on your agenda right now.

Good luck. I know it's hard.

Yes I agree. You know I kept trying to get these little temp. checks to see what she was thinking and invariably it would expand and go on for a half hour. Nothing is resolved and we both walk away regretting the interaction. What a waste. R talks are DONE.

What is a loving way to decline if SHE initiates one?

If she initiates, you listen and validate.
She can talk as much as she wants.

Your goal is not to feed the fire.

[Last]

So what are you going to do about it?

First, no R talks. None. Not even hints or questions. None.

Second, no snooping. Even if you find something out, what are you going to do? Tell her and she'll blast you for snooping. You clearly want to know and control her. She is clearly telling you she will leave you if you can't stop. So you just need to stop. Get out if you need to, until you can control yourself.

She wants someone who is strong and consistent during a time when she is weak and struggling. You are falling apart, and it is not attractive. Again, get out and visit friends or something if you can't keep it together. Better to be absent than continue to show her that you are having trouble handling things.

You are your own worst enemy right now. Almost all of us have been there. So, don't think you're some exception and a failure. You haven't killed it, but you do need to stop doing all of the above right a way.

Yes. I have mastered the snooping. I don't do it. I don't even want to know anymore. What would it help?

These R talks, they start with just a tiny hint of a question and then take off in crazy directions and last WAY too long. I can't even ask the little questions. Have to just kill that completely.

Showing strength. I need to know what that looks like. What does a "strong" person do? What actions? How do they appear strong? Even when I am dying inside I want to put on a strong appearance.

Perhaps I take a cue from my wife. She is setting the tone for our interaction by removing herself. I could have done that. Only, we are in the same house with 2 kids. How do I show similar strength? What are ways that I can demonstrate strength since to this point I have failed to do so?

Strong person GAL, doesn't beg or pursue, doesn't start up R talk, respects her wish for space, and is consistent. Not the stereotype of strong, but someone who doesn't appear needy and can keep getting what needs to be done during a painful time. Think of it as her wondering if she can count on you when the sh*t hits the fan. It is hitting it hard and she wants to see you stand up in the moment and do what is necessary, including doing the things you don't really want to do (like stop wooing her).

The R talk coming from little things is why I said there can be none. You need to go cold turkey. Again, if you need a few days away to gain that kind of control, do it. No matter what she says, you are not to ask about the R, talk about the future together, or anything. That is going to be number one on your agenda right now.

Good luck. I know it's hard.

Great day today. Nothing bad happened!

She went out with friends and I was solid as an oak. I encouraged her and was very PMA (and it was real). I Paid her a compliment and got a warm thank you. She even texted me a few times while out to comment on her time with friends. She asked to spend a little time together watching a favorite TV show of ours and shared a story of something that happened on a work trip I wasn't aware of.

Good day. Let's string some of these together and we may have something.

Saturday is my birthday. Going in with ZERO expectations. I am gonna grill and shoot off fireworks regardless of who is there with me. My kids will be all about it.

Sunday I am going to take my oldest daughter to church. I have never been religious. But I am gonna go. I find myself talking to God these days. Perhaps there is something for me in the fellowship of the church.

[asitis]

Good. Just don't expect a couple strung together to make something happen. Your making something happen has to first be not having things deteriorate further for a while. Don't mean to discourage you, but prep yourself that you won't get any pats on the back from the W anytime soon.

You did well. Keep it up. It will pay off one way or the other, and you will be proud that you stood up and did what was right and necessary and tough.