Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 541
D
DifRent Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 541
Thanks, NDY... I don't know. I feel like maybe I employed some of the suggested strategies a little poorly in the beginning, and she's pulled away from me and towards the OW in response. I have "snooped" mostly in plain sight... in an account to which I have access, but I confess I've also read text messages. Mostly, they are teenage-like "sext" messages, and they don't bother me, because they are stupid and juvenile and embarrassing. I mean... they see each other every freaking night. What's the need to text about this stuff in between?

The W and I spent the first five months of our relationship apart as she was working overseas, and with the exception of maybe one somewhat heated and desperate Skype conversation, we never did that sort of thing. We talked about things that had meaning, and substance... relationship building conversation, not sex. WW and OW? Well, I won't repeat the nonsense I've seen!

As far as this current situation... if things don't work out between us, they don't. I can't even imagine being with the woman my W has become anyway.

But I don't want to have miscalculated making a particular move in such a way that it contributes to or makes impossible genuine reconciliation at some point. Too much time vested, and even too much money vested with a DB coach.

I wish I could ignore her, but the OW is an unconscionable human being who couldn't find an appropriate single person to date, so she saw an opportunity in my W's vulnerability and pounced. I can see in retrospect how she lined things up to her advantage from the moment she met us... in MARCH... to destroy our family and take what she wanted. It enrages me... which does me no good, but it is what it is.

My W is just as culpable, of course - and none of it should matter. I am supposed to focus on ME, I know this!

But... forgive me. I'm slogging through dark times here, like all of us. It's just that I might be dealing with more than most... the kids moving out (coming home to their empty room today was very distressing), not having a "job" because I no longer work in our business, losing my wife, my best friend, my home, the whole future I imagined. Yeah, it's not the best PMA. But...

At the divorce group tonight, the leader began with a prayer from a book. And the prayer noted that when people are widowed, it's a completely different story: people bring casseroles, they want you to cry on their shoulders, you are given time and space to grieve. Why isn't it the same when our spouses leave us? And isn't even worse? Because when a spouse dies, s/he didn't leave you on purpose. You weren't rejected. Another person didn't come into the picture and steal your spouse away...

I am trying to be strong. All you good folks here are helpful, to be sure. But really... it would have been easier if she had died. I'd be two months into the grieving process by now, and there would have been closure. This? Wow... could not have ever imagined how awful THIS could be.


Edit - merged your threads so you still have 20 more posts in this one - Cadet

Last edited by Cadet; 07/01/15 02:24 AM. Reason: message

Me: 46 Her: 41
M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18
3/26 W and I meet OW
BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring
W goes to stay with OW 6/26
NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16
I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 541
D
DifRent Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 541
Wonka, I think I did read that story at some point. I surely admired the guy. Although I get it and it makes perfect sense, I would have to dig deep and set aside more than my pride for that kind of response. Right now, the W and I are in the house alone, in separate rooms, because I just can't stand to face her. Hardly best friend material - though if I had known better and could do this whole thing over since the BD, I might have taken that path and found myself in a different place emotionally today.


Me: 46 Her: 41
M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18
3/26 W and I meet OW
BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring
W goes to stay with OW 6/26
NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16
I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 541
D
DifRent Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 541
I am having the strangest feelings this morning. Saw the W briefly last night as she came home earlier than usual, and I had just returned from my divorce support group. This morning, she repulses me. She hasn't even said or done anything to trigger that emotion. I just know I don't want to see her, talk to her, or be anywhere around her... I don't know who she is. For the first time, I just want to get away and be free of her. I wish I had my new housing situation lined up already so I could go.

Maybe this stems from having spent five peaceful days away from her, and I want that peace back. It might have something to do with how utterly cold she was when the boys moved out and I was faced with what might have been the saddest moment of my life on Friday. At this moment, I'm feeling like the OW can have her, they deserve each other.

But I know this is just a fleeting feeling, and I better just get to church and pray for her.


Me: 46 Her: 41
M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18
3/26 W and I meet OW
BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring
W goes to stay with OW 6/26
NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16
I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,902
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,902
Normal part of the process. I remember having those feeling so disgust also, being repulsed by W. Didn't know who this woman was, didn't want to be around her, wanted life to move on without her. Times where I didn't even want her to come back at all. Just a feeling that hits us and we know not to make decisions on feelings.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 541
D
DifRent Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 541
Yep Fogg, we know not to make decisions based on feelings. But I reacted this morning. She came into the bedroom and said we needed to talk. I said, "not now." She asked when. I said I don't know, next week maybe, but right now, I really would prefer some space. She said okay, and left the room.

But she just had to pop back in about fifteen minutes later, because of this dinner with the boys on Friday. "I understand you don't want to talk to me, but if we're going to do this dinner..." I told her the not wanting to talk isn't a permanent condition, but that I'm surprised she even wanted to do the dinner. Figured she had plans.

Then the conversation just went off the rails, I'm not even sure how, but's like all the negative bases got covered again ad nauseum. I shut my computer and started packing it, telling her to shut her mouth for once and just stop talking. At the end of the hurl of accusations back and forth, I reminded her again that my love for her is self-sacrificial, and that no, I'm not giving up on my commitment the way she gave up on hers. She said, "Well, no... and maybe you shouldn't."

Have no idea what that meant, and she followed with, "Regardless, at this moment in time, we cannot live together."

And of course, I agreed. Then I left... knowing a friend is out of town on vacation and her house is available to me, I just packed things and headed over here, probably will stay for the night even. The nice thing is that my boys are here, too... since they won't have internet hooked up at their place till the weekend, they've been hanging out here. So I get to be with them, at least today. smile

Whew. After dinner on Friday, I'm meeting with an acquaintance in the neighborhood who is looking to rent space in her townhome. I think it would be a good interim option for me, so fingers crossed that works out. Would like to start devising my exit strategy.


Me: 46 Her: 41
M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18
3/26 W and I meet OW
BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring
W goes to stay with OW 6/26
NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16
I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
Dif

Just caught up on your thread, sometimes reading all the sitches here I get caught up in a few things from my own .... like pulling the scab off a wound that is almost healed. I forget how your BD was just 2 months ago .... I know it stinks ... but you are doing very well, the backslide you had .. well .. just a backslide .. dust yourself off ... 'Faghettaboutit' and move on.

A couple things.... the moving bit ... I typically always follow Wonka around like a love struck puppy and agree .. in this case I don't. I feel its similar to the D, I was not about to pretend to rise above it, as you put it .. 'dig my own grave' and pack up all our memories for her to move on ... and that was BEFORE I even knew OM existed ( Still trying to figure out how blind I really was) I would not help her move, her choice not mine ... very similar to the D ... if they want it let them deal with the reality of it. Not saying Wonka is wrong .. heck .. I know she isn't but I also know me moving her would be a nightmare and not a 'pleasant memory'


As far as OW .... look at this from a different perspective. Your W is all sorts of confused, and yes in her mind your M is already over and she is in a R with OW, so the basic approach is them against you .... good thing for you, and maybe you did not see this in that response. OW is threatened by you. Lets look at this like a house, YOUR M was built as you described on things of substance, hence a solid foundation. The A in question .. yours, mine, anyone else's.... was built on rubble, lies, deciet shallowness. When the high waters and winds hit .. like any relationship and trust me they will hit ... which house stands a chance. Ironically I just read Matthew 7:24-27 last night ... I am not one to site scripture ... but kinda had to with your sitch, just replace the term house with marriage. Don't worry about OW and her manipulations, in time its that very thing that will destroy the A, your W just needs that fog to lift a tiny bit to see it. Let God handle her and the OW for a bit while you continue to Detach, GAL, 180 .. work on you ... use this time as it is truly a gift, I know you might think I am nuts for saying that as I wanted to flick people who would tell me the same, looking back I wished I had done more of the 'me' work.

You are doing well .. hang in there.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,807
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,807
Hi Dif

I have to agree with Caliguy. I too love Wonka and back up 99% of what she says. She is a great person. However, I personally would not help your W pack her things up. That's her own issue.
I am sure the OW will help her do that.


Was made a better person by DB'ers
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 541
D
DifRent Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 541
Ah, Cali... thank you. This was just what I needed to read, a different perspective. Makes perfect sense that the OW is threatened, and it's "them vs. me." Although the instances are fewer as time goes on, every now and then my W says or does something that indicates she might be making a mistake, or that she knows how much I love her, or that she doesn't like it when I'm not around. I am guessing on occasion the OW sees that, too.

I know that time is gift - time to let things unfold between them as they will, time for the manipulations and machinations to come to light. Space will also be a gift... we need it in order for us to possibly see each other with new eyes. I need to focus on creating a better and stronger me too, I know this.

But the other thing I know is that prayer works, and surrendering to God's will brings peace like nothing else. I have been praying, and many, many others have been praying, too. She must feel it somehow. I can see she is becoming increasingly hostile to anything that has to do with God - the attack, the battle, the confusion even within herself is real.

So thanks for calming me down a bit, Cali. I feel strengthened to renew my commitment to staying the DB course.


Me: 46 Her: 41
M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18
3/26 W and I meet OW
BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring
W goes to stay with OW 6/26
NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16
I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 541
D
DifRent Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 541
Yeah, Heavy... I remember reading that bit about the guy who was his WW's best friend, how he packed and helped her move. I think if I had taken his approach from the very beginning and treated her like my best friend, I might be in a state of mind to do that, and it might contribute to an overall cohesive strategy. But since this has been a roller coaster, I'm not really prepared to help her with this. For my own peace of mind, I just want to get myself out and take care of me.


Me: 46 Her: 41
M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18
3/26 W and I meet OW
BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring
W goes to stay with OW 6/26
NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16
I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
Diff,

Yeah, people here have different preferences in regard to how they handle their own emotions. There are two extremes on the spectrum: help WAS move out or let them do it all on their own. There's no right or wrong answer here.

The key is that all of this creates a friction with the OW/OM and they DO become jealous. Then they issue all kinds of crazy ultimatiums.

I want to share that I have had some really ugly thoughts about Ms. Wonka's OW. I have fantasized about giving her a strong right hook or upper cut jab. Ah well....those thoughts now have disappeared. But man...the first three years were ROUGH on me.

Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard