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Originally Posted By: photoka
my husband is just totally 100% different so what happened?

Sounds like he has most of the ingredients of a MLC.

Certainly the symptoms.

Keep learning and posting and read the books.

Knowledge is Power.


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I have been reading the MLC info and I am not sure I can deal with this. It said over there that the MLC stems from childhood issues and the worse the childhood the worse the MLC. I hope that isn't true because my H's childhood was a nightmare. I do not want a divorce, but I definitely do not want this either. I will be strong for now and I guess I will know when either enough is enough or things will improve. I hope the books get here quickly.



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Photoka, I just want to drop in and say I am sorry you are here. I am pretty sure I have an MLCer as well. No fun! It is certainly trying my patience in a big way. What overwhelms me about MLC is the length of of time it can take for it to run its course. You need to get rid of expectations for timeline ASAP. I am still grappling with it and wondering if I can han in there that long. It is a process! What are the ages of you and your H? You might want to add a signature like mine. It helps people remember a bit about your sitch when they reply. You can add in edit profile.

I am still fairly new to this having only joined in mid-April. My advice it to listen to the advice you are given on here, especially from vets. It is easy to second guess and do what is intuitive. Each time I have, I regretted that decision and took steps backwards.

Hang in there!


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Yes, the book discusses MLC, depression, etc. I think one of the distinguishing factors in MLC and WAS has to do with childhood experiences and/or something that happened somewhat recently that threw him, or triggered this crises. The WAS has very similar overt behaviors, so it may be confusing to the newcomer who is trying to figure out how to "label" this dysfunction. I tend to agree with Cadet about the MLC with your H. I am certainly not an expert on the subject, but I really hope it's not a MLC, b/c it can take years for that person to get completely through it. Don't decide right now if you can or cannot deal with it. Give it time, and take in as much information as you can on both topics.

I have to tell you that I admire those folks in the MLC section, b/c I don't think I could do what they do.....but then we never know what we'll do until it faces us.

When I first joined the board, I didn't go to the newcomers section, and actually didn't know my way around the board at all. I posted in the MLC, and honestly thought I was having a MLC. Funny, b/c people continued to tell me (in a nice way) that I was too old to have a MLC! cry MWD says it can happen to people in their 20's and 30's, so I'm thinking there must not be an age limit. (Maybe she even said so, I can't remember at the moment.) Anyway, I knew I was in some type of crises and was headed for a life changing event if I didn't get some help.

Another thing I was told back then, was that "I" was the one who showed up on the board....not my LBH. I was the one getting the advice and tools....not my LBH. Man, that one was hard for me to handle b/c I wanted to blame everything on him.

Even though your H is in counseling, he may not be getting exactly what he needs, or he may not digest everything, due to his present state of mind. His physical and mental state is having a breakdown. His thinking, attitude, and behavior has changed as if he has a split personality. I'm guessing he feels unstable, too. How much he is able to absorb and apply from counseling is anyone's guess. I strongly believe in the importance of "timing". If the timing is not right, it won't have the same results as when everything has come to that point and the timing is right, in order for that person to receive certain information....and for him to accept it with the right mindset.

I was blessed that the timing was right when I came to this board and just the right folks talked to me very straight and helped me get my head screwed into place. Do you know that there are some things I can't remember, even after joining the board? Sometimes a person will ask me how long it took me to do this or that, and I can't remember time space or dates, maybe even details. What I'm saying is that your H's crisis is doing so much damage to him (as well as his family) and he won't remember some things, or remember them as you do. He won't function like he once did. I can only imagine how frustrating and/or angry that could be for you. Try not to take it personally or see him doing this b/c he's just being an a$$. I think it only makes it harder on you. Know what I mean? Just remember that this won't last forever. It may last a long time, but not forever. You will know when/if you can't do it any longer. ((hugs))


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Thank you. BW05, I am sorry you are going through this too. My dh and I are both 46, we have 3 children- 14, 11, 9.

Sandi, thanks. I will try to remember that this won't last forever. The last 4 months feel like an eternity though.

I am taking this all in. Reading and rereading the replies to my posts. Thank you, this is helping.



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BTW, you can't post too much when you first arrive in the DB community.

I also wanted to clarify that I don't want you, or any other reader, to think I am defending your H. I am just trying to explain, hopefully, about some of the similar behaviors in a wayward or walk away spouse...and a spouse in MLC.

I had to smile, b/c at the time I wrote my previous post, I had missed Mr. Bond's post where he said your H sounded as if he was being a real a$$........then I came along and said what I did, even using the same description. Bond and I go back a few years on the board, and pretty much see eye to eye (as far as I can tell).

Frankly, I am rather surprised at my softer approach with this particular WS, or maybe it's a feeling I have about this stitch. Bond calls it mind reading, and I say I'm just very perceptive, wink In all fairness, he has been very respectful and never accused me of mind reading (as far as I know).

Forgive me if I am sounding a little silly here. I don't mean any offense to your pain or your thread. There are some vet friends on the board who no longer keep their own thread, so the only way I can pick at them is to do it through someone else's thread.


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Thank you Sandi. We went to MC last night and it was horrible. I have been up all night crying and not sure how I am going to function today.

The counselor said he sees women in my position every day and I am handling things very well, better than most. He said he sees I am coping and changing myself and doing well. But then he said I "failed" the test when I demanded that dh stop seeing the OW. I just lost it at that point. I want to save my marriage, of course, but not at all costs. I lived with the knowledge of his affair (which was probably just an EA but how do I know) for a little over 3 months, and I continued being kind and loving to him during this time, while he raged at me and slept on the sofa texting her ALL night long. I threw up every day and slept about 2 hours per night. I reached my breaking point. So maybe I "failed" this stupid test, but I passed it for 100 days before failing it, and guess what? After he ended the affair his behavior improved, and I felt better about myself, and I don't regret it. So I don't care what the counselor said, I didn't fail his stupid test.

And then to make matters better or worse, I cried all night and my H seemed to really care and he comforted me and was very sweet. So that is good that he seems to care, but bad that I let him see me so weak. This is all such torture.

And now tomorrow we are on vacation to visit his parents, and I refuse to put up with their BS. I am praying that they will be on "vacation" mode and I know they are thrilled to see their grandchildren so I am praying the focus will be on that and not on questioning me.



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Originally Posted By: sandi2
When I first joined the board, I didn't go to the newcomers section, and actually didn't know my way around the board at all.
I posted in the MLC, and honestly thought I was having a MLC.
Funny, b/c people continued to tell me (in a nice way) that I was too old to have a MLC! cry
MWD says it can happen to people in their 20's and 30's, so I'm thinking there must not be an age limit.

Funny after you posted this I decided to go back in time 8 years and read your first thread.
It is in the Newcomers Archive and titled:
"Wife in MLC"

I was excited to see those who posted to you, AmyC, Imlin,
Was2Sad, and a few others.

FTR a MLC is normally thought to be between the ages of 35 - 55, however I have seen people older and younger have them.
Really it doesnt matter when all gets said and done.

Sorry for the HIJACK photoka - Sandi is giving you great advice and is a blessing to have on your thread, listen to her.


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hang in there photoka, act as if, don't let them get the best of you, be strong and keep standing up for your family, will be praying for you!


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Sandi, all silliness and lightheartedness and mind reading soft approaches are welcome! I have been so sad for so long that I appreciate the "human" touch and your honesty is so helpful to me with 1- my situation and 2- just as a person trying to get through the day and desperately needing a little bit of pleasant interactions to break up the hell. In all honesty, my children are keeping me laughing, I am not sitting around crying all day (well at least not 24 hours a day), I am ok, but its kind of like living on the edge of a cliff and waiting for H to either push me off or pull me to safety. I am trying to figure out how to take a step back from the edge without losing sight of him, if that makes sense.

I do have more hope than not, but each day is a rollercoaster. I am just so tired of the emotional drama, and feeling like an idiot for getting excited if H uses a ! in his text, reading it as a positive sign, or if he takes too long to text back (or not at all) reading it as a negative sign. I just want to "be". Working on it. Thank you for the support and advice.



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