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u-turn #2583586 06/30/15 07:53 PM
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Originally Posted By: u-turn


distrust of W and her potentially glomming on to another broken soul to repair who strokes her ego. This seems to be a problem that I'VE had. Even if OM1 were a thing of the past, how would I ever get past it and not suspect that every male lost soul that she wants to fix is not the next predator?



U

Your wife needs to arrive at a point that she is remorseful for what she has done and would do anything to prove that to you, and to show that she is capable of trustworthy behavior. Seems she is not at this point yet.

For me its full transparency, full disclosure, and no more secret lives, no more Married-Sinlge type things. That's the start point, and now has been a slow progress of building trust which will take years, but everything is out in the open .. no more elephants .. that's where you would have to be but at this point your W is still in the A lala-land fog ... honestly I think its going to take her feeling she will lose you to re-think this wonderful situation where she feels everyone's needs are being met and you all should be happy.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2584145 07/02/15 03:02 PM
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Right Cali - I get this. I seem to be asking the same questions that I did here 6 months ago. EVERYTHING is stuck in the mud here.

-------

I've retained the lawyer and am proceeding. It is a sickening feeling - but it is my path. To be honest, I am more than a little scared.

I will begin finding the information and filling out the rough draft forms.

----

I had a (great?) discussion with my IC last night, I let her know what my plans were - she sees this as a healthy thing that I am doing for myself and family. (I broke down in her office - a little embarrassing). But all we can see is that I am going to continue to be sh!t on by someone who is truly unraveling. I don't know if she's unraveling or if everything is still perfect in her world - I don't know.

I asked IC if people that are unraveling ever know they are, if they figure that out. She told me that I did, and that's why I found help.

IC found the story about W berating me about talking with my brother for support and then berating me for not stepping up to help our friend very telling of how she is yanking me around. I do feel yanked around by all of this (as V put it a couple of posts back).

She thinks I have come a long way in becoming my own person.

I talked about timelines and what this summer means to me. My teaching job starts again mid august and I do not want to under-perform (my standards) AGAIN. Teaching has actually become part of me - not just a way to supplement. I do not want to allow myself to under-perform with my business again - this business has been part of me for a long time. (though it has sentimental value for me too / started with W). That being said, I wanted to have my direction this summer.

Yes these are just jobs and I could go work anywhere, but this is what I do, what I like, how I provide for my family (kids). My kids have seen me enjoy working - taking pride in it. I don't feel that work will ever supersede my family or relationships, but as my kids get older, and they need/want less time from me, it is something to occupy myself that I enjoy.

Just an update - thanks for everyone's support!


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
u-turn #2584676 07/04/15 09:13 AM
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U

I empathise with you a great deal, as I too struggle to perform. I say I function but I don't perform.

I find if I begin then I can carry on moving forward. The key is to begin.

Can I ask what tactics you use to motivate yourself?

The bravest poster I know on this is mustardseed who pushed through her way through a very difficult job position. I admire her strength and have taken a lot from it.

I admire your attitude to your working life making it part of your core values.

IC is important to some of us for recovery, the right IC makes a big difference in letting go of the rope.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 07/04/15 09:22 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2584677 07/04/15 09:28 AM
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Apologies internet ate part of my post as a result of fat finger syndrome.

If you are going to 'break down' and cry then the IC office is the best place, I can think of no better than being with a 'safe' person. Tears make you strong, if it helps Google lacrimal fluid and you will understand how important tears are to cleanse the body and soul.

U I am smiling for you now. this is a very important corner turned, very important indeed, I read it in your written words, there is a very strong positivity in the tone. Let it unfold as it will.

Peace

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 07/04/15 09:30 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2584871 07/05/15 05:48 AM
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Thanks for your warm words V - they always help.
I too lost a long post that I was trying to write yesterday - poof gone - dead battery - probably for the best.

As far as motivation, to be honest, I was tired of letting more people down and being dragged down by that. It was a terrible cycle that I couldn't break free of.

I am still quite distracted at times (this forum does not exactly help with that - I find myself getting lost reading everyone's story) so I do limit my time here.

At some point I realized that there is nothing I can do about my M situation - nothing. and especially nothing at the time I should be working.

It really is all about taking the first step.

Doing a good, thorough job, being creative, making people happy with the product they are getting; all this helps my PMA which in turn helps my motivation to do more.

I am getting on track - but not nearly there yet.

THINGS ARE UNFOLDING

Thanks Vanilla


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
u-turn #2584873 07/05/15 05:53 AM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 924
U
u-turn Offline OP
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OP Offline
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Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 924


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
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