Yup, it stands for Rising Above It - II

[Wonka]

RAI,

((((RAI))))

Gosh, what a hard weekend/week for you! I am so sorry that you had to tell the kiddos about the D. The only change I would have made in that scenario is for W to have been present as well because the WAS needs to see the impact on the kids.

I think it stinks that they ducked out on this huge responsibility and not see firsthand the choices they've made really impacts everyone. I am not saying that you were wrong here. Not at hall. Just that I would have told W to get her butt over to the house and sit through it together with you.

[Fogg]

RAI,

Sorry about the rough weekend, that is quite a bit to deal with. Its understandable your work is suffering, don't beat yourself up too much. This is a life changing event that is out of your control, its to be expected.

Inside Out was fantastic (5-stars, IMHO, and I don't give it lightly). I highly recommend it for individuals in our sitch. The premise is that sadness is an essential part of life and even an essential part of joy. I bawled my eyes out.

I did also, it was a great movie. The Pixar volcano short got me in the beginning also.

So, using a somewhat rehearsed script from MWD, I told the kids last night (except D9).

Its done and over with, one less thing you need to deal with now. Just be there for them during this time, they are going through a roller coaster of emotions also and are confused. Be that great dad that they know you are, they need it more than ever.

Take care, RAI.

[Joe46]

RAI, I am sorry you had a bad weekend. I hope things start to turn around for you. I can understand what you are going through, especially telling the kids. One of the hardest things I have ever done. Now I am just doing my best to show them I love them and will never leave them. I can also understand your anger toward W. I felt that also. It has gone away for the most part now. My focus now is on me and my kids and work. My WW is free to do whatever she wants!! Keep up your DB!! This too shall pass!!

[RAI]

Wonka,

Thanks for the hugs.

I guess I was not clear. WW was present - for precisely that reason. Except for saying how much we both love the children and hugging S3 and D6, she was pretty silent throughout, though. She spoke with the kids after our pow-wow as well.

Honestly, although she was present, I don't think she sees that her choices affect anyone. I know I am mind-reading, but looking at her face, I think there is a serious disconnect. It is so bizarre. I don't think she has an iota of guilt or shame over what she is doing. I think she is sad over what is happening, but does not see herself as the driver here - just another victim of the fallout of D. It is like someone who murdered his parents grieving over becoming an orphan.

As usual, there were no comments from her after the conversation. I would have settled for anger towards me, or sadness, or anything. She just slinked back to wherever it is she is now sleeping in our house - I think D9s bed, while she is away at camp. I think there is a black lump of coal where her soul used to be.

I know there is a lot of anger/venom oozing out of my words, but I am still angry. Working on that. I also met with L this afternoon - which did not help much. I am very fearful, still, of what the future holds.

RAI

[RAI]

u-turn, I did not specifically address your words of encouragement from your previous post. All the more poignant when coming from someone in a similar sitch. Thanks.

Fogg and Joe, your posts appeared in the time I was writing my last post:

Fogg,
Volcano made me cry too.
I am going to be that great dad that they know I am. Thanks.

Joe,
I now appreciate that I have to put the focus on my kids and work. I need to let go the anger. Howdja do it?

On another note, I don't believe in accidents. I am always seeing signs from the almighty. I did a huge double take when you wrote "this too shall pass". Unbeknownst to you, my wise-beyond-his-years S13 told me that last night. He also coupled it with a famous fable about the Wise King Solomon who asked his most trusted minister to find a special ring with special powers: "If a happy man looks at it, he becomes sad, and if a sad man looks at it, he becomes happy." His minister found an elderly merchant who engraved "This too shall pass" on the ring. The lesson being: be in the moment because everything passes.
I agree. This too shall pass.

You guys all put a much needed smile on my face.

Back to my regularly scheduled GAL and PMA.

RAI

P.S. My Mother is out of the hospital!

[Joe46]

RAI, for me letting go off the anger was me seeing the wrongs I did in our marriage. I than made a list with some notes. I sat W down a few months ago and told her how very sorry I was for my wrongs and asked her to forgive me. Than I started working on myself and praying for God to help me. I also prayed for WW. I began to try to forgive her. Each day it got easier. It took me time and lots of little things keeping busy. Am I happy about what my W has done? NO. But I forgive her. Do I want to get back together with her? NOT NOW. Down the road? Maybe. If that is God's plan. She would have a TON of work to do herself before I would reconcile. A few boundaries of mine, HONESTY and FAITHFULNESS. Right now, I don't feel she would be willing to change those things. But maybe one day! But I am not sitting around waiting. I have alot of things in my life to do! And so do you! Let go of the anger and go do something that makes you feel good for yourself!

[PigPen]

RAI,

My heart goes out to you. OF COURSE your work is suffering. Our situations are as close to having an addiction as I can think of - and that's coming from someone who's in his situation partly due to addiction.

The obsessive thinking, low energy, lack of creativity, no memory, and general feeling like hell is all par for the course.

I recently read the book Resilience and in it the author, who is an ex Navy SEAL talks about how the year after his divorce he was essentially useless. This is a guy that kills people for a living and has probably seen stuff that would make all of throw our lunches up numerous times. He said his goal some days was just to wiggle his toes because he knew if could do that then he could move his leg, that let him know he could put his foot on the floor, that let him know he could get out of bed. I know I said it, but this is a guy that KILLS people for a living.

Keep taking deep breaths, keep putting one foot in front of the other and know that feeling the pain that you do means that you love deeply and are a good man.

[u-turn]

RAI - It hurts to just read this - I am sorry. So hard with young kids that just don't understand what and why and how (not that we understand any more than they do). This hurdle is crossed, it wobbled but didn't tip over, you landed on your feet and now time to run to the next one. (what's this, a marathon with hurdles? - yikes)

I also completely get the work struggles - both of my jobs suffered. I coasted by in one without putting my heart into it which saddens me because kids depend on me and I was selfishly coasting and thinking of myself when I should have been giving more to them (luckily I slightly rebounded and refocused toward the end of the school year). and in my business, I dropped about every ball that can be dropped (and though W doesn't know of the extent of that, she has judged me over it). I had a client last year/early this year tell me (he knew a little about my situation) I like you, you do great work, but you are paralyzed by this and I cannot count on you - it was heart breaking that a person couldn't count on me. It was a turning point - like another BD. I have done this so many times (burnt bridges) since BD. I knew I needed to detach from my sitch, detach from my M, detach from my W and focus on what is necessary right now, providing for my kids in a sustainable way. Not perfect yet, but re-building, getting better.

You WILL get better and it WILL get better.

Chin up. "this too shall pass"

[Wonka]

RAI,

Yay...you must be relieved that your mother is finally out of the hospital.

[Mozza]

RAI, I'm curious: what are you going to do about work? I've suffered from the same lack of focus and motivation and the impact was a hit on my income because I freelance and just couldn't be bothered to work. But there was no self-assessment nor boss to disappoint, only some clients who found me elusive for a while ("He must be busy because he's very good!").

The Announcement sounds like a terrible moment for you. I, too, cried when I announced it, along with then-D6. And WW was also emotionless, paying her dues and politely waiting for the duty to be over. It's not mind-reading, she told me so herself. There's nothing to understand from their attitude: their mind is elsewhere. It will take months or years before they reflect on it. They might never feel as much guilt as we feel pain. It's just a hazard of the human experience, I'm afraid.