WAS or what (2)

[roist]

Any advice, comments or opinions on this? I want to focus on me and adding light bulbs to my lighthouse, but feel this needs attention. I don't like being underhanded and def prefer to be direct with W and friend, but will do anything to save family and M.

Last night after putting s5 to bed I went mountain biking with a friend. It was good. We are not fit enough for our race on Sunday but it should be fun anyway.

[Cadet]

I will give you my opinion however you will not like it.

I do not think that trying to get the OM to back off is a good idea.

You should confront your wife.

Tell her that her behavior is inappropriate if that is the way you feel.
Are you afraid of your wife?
What are you afraid of?

[roist]

You are mind reading Cadet, careful!

Actually your advice to confront her pleases me as I was fighting against not doing so. I reread parts of DR and some stuff here and confrontation seems to be to be avoided.

Pushing the guy seemed the most likely to have a result based on what I know. It is my reading of him based on six months of snooping. I could outline the basis of that thinking, but that is s sidetrack. But I would be interested in knowing why you think it was a bad idea?

I am not afraid of confronting my W. And unless I have another convincing reason not to, I'll do so tonight. OK I propose to just state that I have thou about it and do not find it normal or appropriate what happened Saturday. night. Would you advise to go further and speak in general?


Whereas I do not fear bringing up the topic with W, I am unsure if it will help. I suppose short term it will push us a part more, but maybe with time she will respect it.


Any tips/advice about best approach? Anything to avoid?

[Cadet]

Pushing the guy seemed the most likely to have a result based on what I know. It is my reading of him based on six months of snooping. I could outline the basis of that thinking, but that is s sidetrack.
But I would be interested in knowing why you think it was a bad idea?

The OM is just a prop in YOUR play, he is nothing other than someone who is there and accessible to your wife.
So confronting him is really a waste of time and energy and could possibly be fraught with other potential problems.

I am not afraid of confronting my W. And unless I have another convincing reason not to, I'll do so tonight. OK I propose to just state that I have thou about it and do not find it normal or appropriate what happened Saturday. night. Would you advise to go further and speak in general?


Whereas I do not fear bringing up the topic with W, I am unsure if it will help. I suppose short term it will push us a part more, but maybe with time she will respect it.


Any tips/advice about best approach? Anything to avoid?

I hope that you are detached enough that when she denies anything has happened you are not pulled into a fight and you can just walk away from the conversation.
Yes this is about winning the war not this battle.
I think you seem to know based on what you wrote above.

The point is, if things are going to get worse then it is only a matter of time anyways.

Basically you have a boundary that you will not be in a relationship with her if she is in a relationship with some one else.

I hope that is clear.

[roist]

Thanks C. It is clear.

I agree with boundary and will enforce it if needed. But all I know is that there is inappropriate behaviour ........

I had not planned on starting the war. I had given myself until we got back from visiting my brother inthe states (end Aug) and then reevaluate.

I think I can talk to W without reacting. I think my wife will state that they are just friends, that everyone is falsely putting their issues on him and that he us not the reason for any issues we have. She may even believe that.

I will state what is inappropriate, I will not accuse relationship, but will state boundary .

Thanks C. Any other comments from anyone??

[roist]

Quick update.

Not knowing what way it would go or what the aftermath would be I sat down with my wife.

Long story short, we chatted, neither of us aggressive or negative. I outlined that some of their interactions were not appropriate esp with everything people are saying about this guy. I concentrated on Saturday night but not exclusively. But most stuff I couldn't bring up as I only know due to snooping. That stuff I hinted at.

I stated clearly and calmly TWICE the boundary that there is no way I will be in a relationship with someone who is in another relationship. I stated that I was not accusing her nor was I saying I believed she was in another relationship, but I wanted to be clear. I did say that I was going to take my time to decide what I actually thought of the situation. I also said we would see if there were other developments. She said it was clear, assured there was nothing and would be nothing.

That is the short version. We chatted around it for half an hour . She never mentioned us so I didn't see the point in starting a R talk.

For once I am sure it was the right thing to do. No second guessing. View that there was no real confrontation or negative reaction, it has not had any immediate effect. EXCEPT that I brought up the subject, set my boundary and in doing that took back some power/control going forward.

Just after I went out to water the garden and unusually she followed me and did a little weeding.

No battle, no war, no bomb..........

[Zephyr]

Well I am glad u were able set your boundary with No confrontation.

Keep up you PMA and keep a receptive mind whenever she wants to talk. There is still so much to work out, but not today. It will come when she is ready. When she does talk...listen...listen...listen. She still needs to learn to trust who you are becoming.

You are the strength here that will help be the foundation for any future.

Glad you posted was anxious to finding out!

[Zephyr]

Hey Roise, how did your weekend end up???

[roist]

Thanks for asking Z. Weekend was ok. Usual bag of mixed signs.

Friday the kids finished school, so we got a take away to picnic in a park. After eating the boys went off playing. I thought W would either clam up or follow boys. But no she stayed and chatted with me for an hour. Sometimes she is skimpy on eye contact but then she won the staring contest!

Saturday was busy, some together some apart.

Sunday I did my adventure race. I left early. She brought kids to see the finish and eat together afterwards. The afternoon I got in the pool with the kids and w disappeared. I found that strange but turns out she went to get ready to come into pool too. We had fun.

In short there have been some good interactions, but always interspersed with less good ones. I don't mean to undermine any positive signs, but they are just signs.

The good interactions seem to enhance the poor ones. I try to interact always the same positive way but ultimately an interaction depends on both of us.

She has said some stuff that may or may not be an insight on us. I have food for thought and a possible 180 to try.

Overall I am OK. I am re-concentrating on me. I will look for opportunities to improve the dynamics between us. I don't like snooping so if I can I am going to stop. I am not turning a blind eye but want to concentrate on other stuff for now.

Tomorrow night W was supposed to picnic with three friends (2 women and Mr inappropriate). Now we are bringing kids to open air cinema and Friday we are going to one of her friends for a BBQ. So their just the four adults private picnic seems to have become a with kids, me and another family added. I don't know or care why this changed. So looks like I will have another night out with him.

Then next Saturday we head off for a long weekend with the inlaws..

I am going to be busy for next month and W is involved in a lot of that. I will try add some apart activities but overall if W wants to do stuff together i will make the most of it. Sometimes she chooses (and usually asks to do it instead of being asked) to do something with me but is not in super form as if doesn't want to do it with me. That can be a bit of a downer at times, but I can handle it.

I had not planned on writing much or maybe not even posted at all. I want to concentrate on work and other stuff. I think this place is great. The support is super. The vets taking the time to help us in our struggles us awesome. However sometimes it is hard to read so many people struggling and/losing in their fight. But mostly I believe my situation will not change much soon and I will only be talking about signs etc. I am slow to type on my phone and I need to make the most of my time at work and at home.

[roist]

Rereading DR, I realize I have been knocking any good signs too much. The book warns about overlooking small signs of change and of their importance in encouraging us to continue. You have to allow yourself to be encouraged by small signs as you need to feel hope. Michele goes on to warn that these are not gaurantees but for now focus on the positive.

Great words of wisdom from Michelle, summed up by her mantra: little steps are big deals.

I am also reading 5LL and it supports what I thought that my w seems to have increased her acts of service towards me. If that is her ll does that mean she will be most receptive to acts of service than the other 4ll? I know the answer is in the book, but until I get to finish reading it I thought I would ask ye who have already read it.

The boys and their cousin asked W to have s disco at the house yesterday evening. On short notice she did great job organising a stand up finger food meal. I got home and had to repair lights for it, which I had intended doing hshortly. The kids ask if we were going to disguise ourselves too. Said we were OK like that but at last minute she went and put on a stunning dress. What a sight esp when she dansed. I resisted touching. Wanted to though. It was fun.

Afterwards W said she was tired so didn't want to do stuff outside. I went anyway and eventually she checked in to see what I was doing.

Tonight BBQ with her friends incl Mr inappropriate. I am OK with that and am nit stressed by it, so progress for me, I guess. I have stocked up on STFU pills, PMA tablets and am fairly sure I can at least act fun but maybe even be fun.

The weekend away is postponed until next weekend, so I have a big project on at the house. That is what I started last night. Actually suits me better so glad SIL couldn't make it this weekend.