Hey Prowl - post as often as you like. As I was told, "electrons are cheap".
I'm trying to get through all of your situation, but there's a lot to take in and I think it's best if a vet gets you started. But I will say, get and read the book. Absorb ALL the links in the intro post.
You're a lot stronger than you think. Find it in yourself.
Hey Prowl - post as often as you like. As I was told, "electrons are cheap".
I'm trying to get through all of your situation, but there's a lot to take in and I think it's best if a vet gets you started. But I will say, get and read the book. Absorb ALL the links in the intro post.
You're a lot stronger than you think. Find it in yourself.
Thanks Matt.. I'm hoping one of the old pros (especially Sandi) will chime in and give me some advice. This is THE hardest thing I have ever gone through.
BD Oct 2014 S Dec 2014 D filed Feb 20, 2015 D on hold as money ran out for attorneys and the marital home's future is up in the air
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Thanks NDY... My W has been telling me for months that we need to start over as friends and build a new foundation. Heck she's been saying that since before the BD. I don't know if that is just part of the WAW script but I keep reading that I need to listen to what she is asking me to do. Stop calling, give her space, man up... She's said all of these things to me. It's difficult when you aren't very patient and all you want is your family back together again.
BD Oct 2014 S Dec 2014 D filed Feb 20, 2015 D on hold as money ran out for attorneys and the marital home's future is up in the air
I keep reading that I need to listen to what she is asking me to do. Stop calling, give her space, man up... She's said all of these things to me. It's difficult when you aren't very patient and all you want is your family back together again.
So why do you think that pursuit is going to get your family back? DB'ing is counter intuitive.
Although I say to believe none of what she says, I would give her what she wants. STOP CALLING and GIVE SPACE.
Have you read the 37 rules and are you using them?
You are getting good advice and support from the great folks here. Keep going.
Originally Posted By: Prowl
Thanks Matt.. I'm hoping one of the old pros (especially Sandi) will chime in and give me some advice. This is THE hardest thing I have ever gone through.
Sandi is temporarily AWOL as she needs to take care of H and D who are facing some serious issues.
On cadets homework post there it a link to the resources. Use that link and read up on the Stockdale Paradox. It helped me immensely as I, just like you felt impatient and wanted everything back the way it was.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
I've done some investigating and have figured out who one of my wife's affairs could be. They have been co-workers for years and he was never a threat because he was always "happily married". This man has been coming over to my home and my kids don't like it. After I asked my W about him the very next day him and his wife blocked me from Facebook.
He has been right under my nose the whole time. My wife went on a trip and she told me this man and "his wife" happened to be on the flight too... She told me later she was skipping my sons Dr. appt to go have lunch with this man "and his wife". She knew I wouldn't suspect him.
I am being told to call this man's wife and ask her questions pertaining to the facts that I know. Find out if she really was with him all the times my W met with him.
What should I do? What should I say to her? I'm sure my W has told her I'm a lose cannon and crazy.
I brought this post from infidelity over here because no one was answering you there and my posts don't often show up on that forum (I'm still on restriction). Plus, staying on one thread is easier to manage anyway.
I read your opening long post and without the post above I could have told you her affair partner was married. She lies and gaslights you to protect the secret because as soon as OM's wife finds out...the affair will be likely over. OM doesn't want to divorce. He just wants to have an affair.
As far as talking to OM's wife....HECK YES. She deserves to know and you can't hint about this at all to your wife. The fact OM's wife already removed you from Facebook just a couple days ago is an ominous signs. I think it probably means they (OM and/or your wife) either went into her account and removed you themselves (so you wouldn't contact there) and/or they played the very typical game where OM tells his wife about supporting your wife as a friend during the difficult divorce process your wife is going through and that you are a jealous obsessive controlling husband who is apparently now, [gasp] accusing OM of having an affair with his wife.
Because they may have forewarned OM's wife, my recommendation would be that you somehow get undeniable proof that OM can't lie his way out of. You've already seen months of how crafty a wayward wife can be when faced with overwhelming evidence (a used condom wrapper in your house) and trying to convince and confess to 8 different men so you wouldn't focus on discovering the "ONE" . Airline employees are well versed in the "adultery lie game". I don't know how you get absolute proof but OM's wife is going to need it in order to truly be convinced you aren't the one actually lying to her.
OM's wife is entitled to the truth about her life. Not telling her, IMO, is enabling the affair and becoming it's co-conspirator. Most likely OM's wife will get her husband to end the affair immediately. That's why it's this big secret. If OM wanted to leave his wife and kids, he would have done it already. Captain OM likes the image of being perfect citizen, former military guy, upstanding husband and father. You need solid evidence to overcome that wall of denial.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
First, I am so sorry about the situation you are in.
I must disagree regarding contacting the OM's wife. In fact, most of your friends here in the online community would advise against contacting her. MWD doesn't recommend contacting the affair partner's spouse at all! There are lots of reasons not to do it!
It would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me to discuss our program at 303-444-7004.
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