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HaWho, it will be a s-l-o-w turnaround as H works his way through the crisis.

There will be little nice things along the way... enjoy them, but don't think that it means he's done baking. He won't be for a while.

Job tells us that slow and steady wins the race. Go for that!

I read your opening post in Newcomers. It reminded me of some things I had forgotten from the beginning of our crisis. (I like to think of it as "our" crisis, not "her's". I understand what she's going through and how she got there. It's really not her fault, and she deserves to be loved!)

The avoiding eye contact, the "dead" look in her eyes, the hiding in another room, the going to bed without saying goodnight...

I'm so glad that's mostly behind us now!

If doing all the child care leaves you feeling like a doormat, don't be afraid to ask H to help out with certain tasks. He can and likely will help if you ask nicely... when he does you'll feel better about the sitch, and it will give you more strength to stand... which you're gonna need!


Last edited by ForeverYoung; 07/05/15 05:01 AM.

M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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HaWho Offline OP
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Hi Cadet-Hope you had a nice 4th of July.

Thanks for the link to Trustinginfaith's posts. Very helpful!

I have read that somewhere on the forum are the posts of Happyending or Happyendings? (Maybe even happy_ending or happy_endings.) Many people say he gives an excellent description of what it's like inside one MLCer's mind.

Can you please send me the link and/or tell me how to find this person? I have tried to search for the name but nothing pops up. Hopefully this does not mean his posts have not been deleted!


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Thanks ForeverYoung for all the advice. And thank you for the reminder that he deserves to be loved and that slow and steady is best.

Yesterday was a strange day, lots of good. As some with live-in MLCers say this is especially hard to watch because you get glimpses of what "could be." It is painful. As we were heading out to see fireworks, I just started to cry. We were in the car w/kids and I tried to hide it and recover. They were quiet tears not like it was completely obvious. But I know he noticed. As we were walking to the car he said "maybe you need an allergy pill." I didn't say anything.

At dinner there were only large beers. He asked if I wanted to split one. I said sure, very casually. Trying not to analyze and hoping he wasn't sharing out of pity for me. During the fireworks he spoke in future "next year we should try to see a different fireworks display." A few weeks ago I was thrilled when he spoke of future Christmas plans. I know not to read anything into this. Today all I thought, was what will be left of me in 1 year? I need some serious armor. As we left he said "another fireworks in the books."

Positives: today he took one of the kids on his errands with him so I could pick up the house. So normal it was strange.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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HaWho Offline OP
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I need some advice.

I realize I am stuck mentally and don't know how to progress.

I have recently gone back to work full time and H is in MLC and lives/works from home. His routine is he works for a few hours in AM. On M, W, F he hires a babysitter from about 10-1:00 or 2:00. On T, Th he leaves the kids alone during that same time. He says he needs "to think about things" during this time. Maybe this is true or maybe he is also having an affair during this time, as well.

I think the duration is too long/lonely for the kids and I don't think we should pay a sitter for this every day. I just feel this whole sitch is so crazy. Why can't he limit the time/days out? He refers to himself as the stay-at-home dad but 3 hours to yourself EVERY day? So hard to co-parent young kids with an MLCer!!

One of the things also tripping me up is if he is having an affair I want him to move out. I have told him "no" on an open marriage which he asked for at BD. I said if you are having an EA/PA tell me before it starts. He agreed but many here have warned me to prepare for him to lie/already be lying on this.

Having the EA/PA is a definite "you need to move out for me" and it's a fork in my road right now. But there is no point in asking him as I don't believe what he says these days. I don't want to have him followed as I feel sneaky doing so. But what if he is cake eating? Thoughts?


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Hawho

As far as the 3 hour thing ... I would go nuts being a stay at home dad without a 'break' from the kids, 3 hours to me is not that much to ask for to get myself out ... do something remotely adult ... and clear my head. Now is he is MLC ... that head is 40x more cloudy than mine so I might not put pressure (We all know how an MLCr reacts to pressure) on this topic.
If it were flipped, wouldn't you need some 'me' time?

As far as the EA/PA .... "Believe none of what they say and only 50% of what they do" right?

Your H knows that this is a deal breaker for you .. you were clear, why on earth tell you? Even more so .. the fact dude is a stay at home type ... where would he go?

Regardless of EA/PA or not, you DB or you don't .. the A (if its going on) is not the reason you are having issues at home, its all the stuff that has you here ... along with the MLC ... and the MLC typically has an A associated with it.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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[quote=CaliGuy]Hawho


Hi CaliGuy-thanks.

Follow up question: but as we are living together, if he is having an affair then he's cake eating. What's to disrupt this if he gets to play model dad AND keep girlfriend.

I am coming to terms with my hand in all this. I know the affair is not the start. I went through a depression the lasted 3 years and I distanced myself. Also per his feedback (which is true) prior to this, I focused too much on the kids, did not make him a priority, etc.

He wants "time and space" but I know I need to work at rebuilding the friendship that was lost. But there's no way I can work on the friendship myself with someone who will cross streets to avoid me. And yet we co-exist in the same house?!?


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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First of all - I know opinions vary on this, but I would not feel comfortable leaving a 9 year old and an 11 year old home alone. Just for example, do you think either of them could successfully perform the Heimlich maneuver on the other? I would spring for the sitter for all 5 days. Working from home is not easy with interruptions from kids.

Second - as to your questions about whether to have him leave or not - it depends on a lot of factors. Is an affair a dealbreaker for you? Are you able to use him still being in the house to showcase the "new you" ? Does it financially benefit you for him to stay? You may want to make a Pros and Cons list and sit on it for a while.

If you're pretty definite that an affair is a deal-breaker for you, then you already know the days and times when it is probably happening, and could hire someone to tail him or (although this may not be legal in your state) put a tracking device on his car.

One question - does the current babysitter say he stays working in the house while she's there, or does he leave when she is there?

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Hi KML-thanks for the response and the opinion.

He leaves when the sitter comes and he told me he would leave when the sitter came. He is the type who would have been overwhelmed staying at home w/kids before MLC so I am sure this is arduous. Probably I should spring for a babysitter for all three of them! He is in the fog-very scary to witness!

I think your advice about the pros and cons list is solid. Need to reflect.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Posts: 1,597
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He has not moved out. He is still living at home. I think this is what makes it a bit diffferent of a sitch. So, if he is home and having an affair then he is a cake eater.

If he moved out after BD then that is different. But living at home, if he is having EA/PA he is playing model dad to kids, family etc. Basically he is getting everything he wants.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Posts: 2,538
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There is for and against MLCers continuing to live at home. They are called 'drop ins' by some, as opposed to 'Drop Outs' who can't get away fast enough, and treat us as if we had the plague, and 'droplets' but move out but stay in touch.

So little is really known about MLC - apart from having the almost universal denominator of a seriously strange upbringing together with a personality that does not cope well with failure or change (probably because their upbringing didn't give them coping skills.

Some MLCers stay for a while and then leave; others finally get kicked out by their long suffering wives, and some reconcile without their ever leaving.

MLC follows a script, but with variations. It is hard having them home in crisis, but it is also hard having them leave, especially if they set up with an OP.

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