Thanks guys - again, it hurts because it doesn't appear she's coming back. She wants the house sold, she wanted to tell the kids, she filed for divorce, she is maintaining the affair and OM, she doesn't initiate contact. All her actions show she has moved on.
So, now as I work on me, any books you guys recommend to help with self-esteem, detaching, etc. I don't think NMMNG really applies to me or my sitch . . .
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Rip, This introspection is courageous and admirable. I'm right there with you. I've realized how much of my identity and self worth were wrapped up in the MR. Once that's pulled out from underneath us, we feel empty as individuals. It felt so right to intertwine ourselves with another at the time. However, now we have to carefully pull up all the roots. It's painful and scary. We are rediscovering ourselves. Cadet is correct that this is progress but knowing this doesn't make it any easier.
I too have been experiencing dreams about W. Wish they'd go away.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
I see that you haven't really fully dropped the rope. As long as you tug at the rope, it is still being attached to W.
Ramp up your GAL activities and be less available to W. Busy, busy.
I am sorry about W's comments about being 'happier' with the OM. It is fantasy that's doing the talking here. Pay no heed to this nonsense.
I can tell you that I have witnessed many A's IRL and they've ALL fizzled out. My late father's A's have all fizzled out. One couple had a torrid A for a while then they divorced their respective spouses to marry each other and had a young son. Well, they divorced 4 years later. It goes on and on....
Wonka - thank you. It appears so. I thought I had dropped the rope and was less/completely unavailable for her. The problem that arose there is it also meant I was unavailable when it came to talks about separation agreements/settlements, etc and that just made matters worse. In that regard yesterday was a great talk - we made progress and her words (let's see her follow through with the actions) state that we don't have to battle and be enemies/attack each other. Right now for me and our sons, that's a plus.
In fact, that's how I knew the rope wasn't fully dropped. The more I spoke with her, her giving me a hug, smiling made me realize I missed her. Now I wondering if it's really her I missed or the fantasy of the happy marriage family that I thought we had.
It was nice to hear her say she doesn't and never hated me (has been angry and bitter, but never hated). Then I realize that's again me feeling a need to make her happy that I'm fulfilling, instead of trying to make me happy and do more self work.
I'm actually a little surprised I fell this far. I thought I was much further along. The tri-fecta of going to a wedding SAT night and hearing "our songs". meeting her SUN and being alone with no GAL activities or kids SUN really hit me hard.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
You are shooting yourself in the foot - never offer pay her more than you have to. You said you decided to pay her halfway between your offer and what she is demanding. What you have effectively done is increase your offer. You are demonstrating that you can pay this amount and setting the status quo, so now you will have to negotiate above that. Your goal is to pay her as little as possible, and demonstrate a status quo that she can make ends meet on that amount.
First, dont take any action like this without clearing it with your lawyer. Stop the payment now. If she freaks out, blame your lawyer.
Second, I would highly advise you to pay child support now, but fight tooth and nail against paying alimony. If you fight for yourself, and have a good attorney who will fight for you, there is a very good chance you could get out of alimony so long as you dont make mistakes like voluntarily agreeing to pay her too much money.
Fade, I appreciate the feedback. In the state of KS - it's VERY black and white. There is no fault. Her affair means nothing. I WILL pay support AND maintence. They use a worksheet and it's 100% based off how much more I make than her - in BOTH instances.
That being the case, the only way it's less than the worksheet is if SHE agrees to take less. The only way that happens is to make an effort, be cordial and not have her feel like I'm fighting her on payments.
Realistically, my lawyer told me her amount would prob be something we should just agree to, because if we went to a hearing the judge might agree to higher than that. This way I still got it LESS than what she countered with.
Every state's different and in KS, even though I'm wronged, it doesn't matter.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
That [censored], but I guess nothing you can do about it. You would think since she broke the M commitment and walked away it would impact her some in that matter.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
That [censored], but I guess nothing you can do about it. You would think since she broke the M commitment and walked away it would impact her some in that matter.
Just so you know, it's identical in Michigan, Fogg.
Yeah, you would think. But, my attorney said KS looks at is as a moral issue, not legal, so doesn't make an impact.
Really [censored]. So THAT'S why I'm more agreeable and wanting to make sure to keep lines of communication open, because it feels like she holds a lot of cards.
Will go back to GAL and not pursuing. However, will be more open to talking with her on things like legal matters, our kids and selling the house. Can't fight or go dark on those things anymore, even though I'd like to have her sit in it. Unfortunately when I do she gets angry (of course) and goes to her lawyer. That's something I don't want to mess with.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
That [censored], but I guess nothing you can do about it. You would think since she broke the M commitment and walked away it would impact her some in that matter.
Just so you know, it's identical in Michigan, Fogg.
I knew it was no fault state and the child support was calculated solely from how much each make. However, I thought I read somewhere maintenance is rarely given unless there are specific circumstances.
Not that it matters too much for me anyway, my W is so stubborn taking anything from me is a sign of weakness and proves she cant do this on her own. Shes already said she wont want alimony and doesn't even want child support.
Last edited by Fogg; 06/29/1509:37 PM.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
