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Hi, I would love advice from people who have survived this situation. I have been with my husband for 25 years, married for almost 17. In the last few years my daughter's health- emotional and physical have caused us major stress. She is 14 and has severe OCD and anxiety and lashes out at me and my husband to the point where she was getting violent with us. My husband reached rock bottom and started saying he needed to leave the house because of her behavior. In February he went away for a business trip and when he came home he announced "that's it, I decided to leave." I said "I am trying to get her help, looking into residential centers." and he said "No, its not her, it is YOU. I HATE YOU. While I was gone I reconnected with my parents and they opened my eyes to everything that has been going on, and YOU created this in her, YOU destroyed my life, YOU caused her to be codependent on you and drive me away. This is all you and I'd rather be dead than stay married to you. I love you but I am not in love with you anymore." I begged him to stay, promised we'd go to counseling immediately, etc, he agreed but said he didn't think it would work.

A few days later I get the credit card bill and discovered he was having an affair. He insisted it was "just a friendship" with a coworker, they encouraged each other to reconnect with their parents so it is a special therapeutic friendship and not physical. He agreed to end it when confronted with restaurant receipts. OK, so we go to therapy, the therapist tells him to end it not because I say so but because it is wrong. Husband interprets that as "don't let your wife tell you to end the affair" so he keeps it going for 3 months longer. All this time he is drinking heavily, raging at me daily and saying the most cruel things possible, talking "privately" to his parents and the little I overheard or saw via email was VERY hateful towards me, his mom is calling me questioning me over details about my "jealous nature" and my controlling ways, asking me to explain myself, and telling me I need to apologize to the entire extended family, his dad told me "you are lucky my son has better morals than I do, because if it was me I would have F***** her by now, and actually I did cheat on my wife so I understand".

So this goes on for 3 more months, until on mother's day I said I couldn't continue marriage counseling if he was still in the affair. I told him to end it or I'd call a lawyer. He ended it but that made him rage at me even harder for another week until I called his mother and asked her to stop fueling his hatred, that her 3 grandchildren live here and it is scary and out of control, and that I will do ANYthing to save this marriage. He abruptly ended the "campaign of hate" when his mom told him to. OK, now we are a month past that. He is still here. He is better with the kids than ever before.

Oh! My daughter was hospitalized for 9 weeks in the meantime and is doing amazing and her OCD and aggression is gone! My husband seems calm, has started sleeping in the bed with me again, we go out once a week on a "date" (I set it up, he goes along) and things at home are pleasant but not at all emotionally close or connected. If I say I love you it is met with silence, if I get upset at all he looks genuinely bewildered that anything could be wrong, if I try to discuss my feelings he can NOT handle it, so I just act like everything is normal and keep hoping that things are better, but my heart is broken and I honestly have NO idea at all what is going on in his brain. He also started smoking and he listens to music on his earbuds ALL day and even in bed so nobody can talk to him because his music is blasting. But he is pleasant, he is here, and he started doing work around the house again. He seems to have no memory of the nasty things he said during those 3 months, does not remember ripping up my pictures, etc, seems to have blocked it all out. We are still in counseling, I feel like I can't talk though because everything I say he hashes out with his parents and they hate me, and for all I know he is still talking to his girlfriend, and he definitely does NOT love me. So what do I do? Am I doing the right things? I am trying to just be an "awesome wife"- not pressuring him, being pleasant, listening to him if he would talk (he doesn't). I don't know what to even say or do in counseling as I feel very emotionally unsafe around him. Also, needless to say, I am heartbroken and I miss my husband so much. This is like living with a stranger.



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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
(http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534754&page=1).

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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Thank you. I will read those links.



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OK, stupid question, but I just read Sandi's rules about not pursuing. Part of my husband's complaints about our marriage is that we weren't going out without the kids, so now I have been about once a week making dinner plans and he goes along with this. A few times he even selected the restaurant, but he never initiates the plan. Is this pursuing? Because I thought it was good to spend time together and our dinners out are probably the most pleasant interaction we have all week. Not romantic, but pleasant. And probably the only time we talk for more than 5 minutes, unless in counseling which to be honest is torture.



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OK, another question, about boundaries. When after 3 months I told him I wouldn't continue marriage counseling and would get a lawyer instead if he continued his affair. I thought I was setting a good boundary.
I mean, why continue paying $175 an hour for counseling and pouring my heart out when he is not even "in" the relationship?
And probably calling her and telling her everything during counseling.
Our counselor told me that I made "the biggest mistake of my marriage" by giving him this ultimatum, I thought it was good to stand up for myself.
So was I setting a boundary or did I screw up?
He did, to the best of my knowledge, end it with her at that point.
Also, to be honest, I was throwing up every day and sleeping about 2 hours per night, just so sick to death about the affair and I could NOT physically or emotionally continue.
I was breaking down crying and just couldn't live like that anymore.
So I wasn't bluffing.

Last edited by Cadet; 06/29/15 06:20 PM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability


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Originally Posted By: photoka
So was I setting a boundary or did I screw up?
He did, to the best of my knowledge, end it with her at that point.

I am not sure this is exactly what we have in mind for a boundary, although it is close.

I think setting a boundary that you won't be in a relationship with him while he is in a relationship with someone else is very healthy.

DB'ing is also about doing what works and changing what doesn't.

That being said I think the counselor may have been more against the fact that it was an ultimatum.
How is it working out now?
and where do you go from here?


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Thank you, I thought it was a healthy boundary, I really didn't feel like I had a choice as I was literally getting sick over this and I have children to take care of.
I think the counselor thought I should be quiet and just let my husband work things out his own way?
I don't really understand.
But I felt good about myself for the first time after that happened.
Although it increased my husband's anger for another week or so, until I told him I wouldn't take his "hatred" anymore and asked his mother to stop adding to it. (her and father in law have been extremely fueling his anger- I can't even get into that- it has been by far the worst part of this whole experience.)

So that was boundary #2 - since then things have been better but very quiet and distant.
So I don't really know if they are better or if this is just the calm before the next storm.

I really don't know how I can continue if he goes back to cheating and raging on me,
I really just as a human being cannot live that way, even though I want our marriage to work out more than anything.





Last edited by Cadet; 06/29/15 06:49 PM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability


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Originally Posted By: photoka
I really don't know how I can continue if he goes back to cheating and raging on me,
I really just as a human being cannot live that way, even though I want our marriage to work out more than anything.

YOU can't!
It would be best at that point to go dark and let him wallow in his own misery.

You didnt break him and can not FIX him.


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OK thank you. Does anybody think there is a chance that now that he is being "nicer" that he is actually coming out of this? It has only been 4 months which seems like an eternity to me, but I am getting discouraged reading other people's stories.



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OK, I ordered the books.



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