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It's not baseball, so it's not 3 strikes and your out. Most of us have stepped in lots of pile during the process. Re-reading DR will remind you that it is practices not one event.

Don't beat yourself up over misinterpreting the cousin. Part of the problem we all (including myself) is that we are looking for ways to hopefully interpret what we hear or see. It is normal and natural, and your DB coach will give you some perspective on how many people have stepped in lots of piles and still saved their M.

Also remember that don't trust what they say (I wouldn't say 100%, but definitely most) and only part of what they do. She needs space. She asked for space. Take that seriously. She has a process to go through just like you do, and during stretches of that she genuinely does not feel like coming back. What matters is where she ends up, not where she is at the moment. Let her go through her process and focus on you working through your process.

Believe me, there will likely come times where you don't feel much for her and wonder about whether this is worth it. I know I don't feel much causing me to want to be with my W of late. Does that mean I will stay that way? All it will take is her wanting to genuinely invest in the R and showing me some of the person I know I love for that to start to change. Once you start seeing that in yourself, you will start to understand that where she is at the moment (even if she is being honest with herself or you) isn't really the issue.

If you aren't taking notes re: your coaching sessions and your goals and baby steps and the signs that things are moving in the right direction, start doing so. It gives you something to review to help stay on track. It also helps you see where you might not be doing your best to follow through on the plan you and your coach laid out, and the insights about the process you learn in your coaching sessions.

It is amazing how much this causes us to see things we aren't doing as well as we should, gives us something to focus and work on rather than worrying about what our Ss are doing, and remind us that we have a plan and that we need to give that time to actually work. It won't be quick.

Hang in there. No game changing mistakes have been made. She hasn't moved the D process along. And you don't know whether she has really made up her mind. Patience.

My coach has told me repeatedly that the single most important factor determining success is giving things time to work. Not jumping around, being inconsistent, changing messages at the first sign of mistake or that things aren't working.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
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Originally Posted By: asitis

My coach has told me repeatedly that the single most important factor determining success is giving things time to work. Not jumping around, being inconsistent, changing messages at the first sign of mistake or that things aren't working.


I'm reading this and rereading this and rereading this over and over and over today. For some reason I want to just jump out of my skin this morning and DO SOMETHING. I want to write a handwritten letter, I want to make a phone call, I want to send an email, I want to make a crafty FB post that hopefully she'll see, I want to write a frickin poem. Anything.

But, I'm going to sit the "censored" down and be still and let this all play out without my interference. I'm not going to spend all day on this forum, nor obsess about my sitch. I'm going to work, create, meditate, workout, and communicate with people I love.

It looks like all hell broke loose in the marriage world over the weekend with all the newcomers around here. Hang on folks, my heart goes out to each and every one of you.


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PP,

Now, let's work together on a concerted approach to the first MC session.

What's your plan now that you've read up some articles on apologies vs. making amends?

It is just around the corner and you would want to be as prepared as possible.

Proper preparation prevents poor performance.

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Hi Wonka,

Thank you for your time, truly. This will definitely help me focus. I'm scattered today and probably shouldn't have had the extra half cup of coffee.

My approach after reading the materials was to shift heavily away from:

Here is a list of every awful thing I did and why I'm so so so sorry that I did it. I realize that she's heard me apologize before and still left. She's also stated that she doesn't need every detail of our M brought back out to the surface. If I'm honest, doing that would have been a veiled attempt at covertly trying to win her back - I'm sorry, we're cool now right?

My approach after shifting away from the above (thank you for saving me from that btw) was to approach the session with truly no expectations other than empathizing.

My W didn't leave because I was unavailable, et al. She left because she was tired of getting hurt, lied to, and feeling like she was on her own for everything. She described me as the "eternal child" archetype.

My approach is to take ownership for my role, and then empathize with how she must have felt throughout our M, how hard it must have been for her to have to experience our M in this way, and then ask how I can make amends.

The sub goal (not sure how to do this, other than display it through actions such as validating, STFU'ing, and staying emotionally centered), is to show her that I've changed. Not to tell her that I've changed, but show her by not defending myself, making excuses, or minimizing the fact that all along I had choices that I could have made and didn't. I think another way to do this is to use the language I've learned on here, in the books I've read, and from what I've learned from IC'ing. My W works with therapists everyday and part of our challenge was her feeling like she worked in one world and lived in another.

That's my approach. Also, to do as little of the speaking as possible and let the MC lead the way.

I sincerely appreciate your input.


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PP,

Here's one more homework assignment for you.

Call an addictions counselor (preferably with the appropriate credentials, etc) to explain your sitch and your goals. Ask for assistance and insights on the best way to make sincere amends to a spouse. If I were you, I'd ask for permission to contact couples with former recovering addicts for some further insights.

Some while ago, I recall going with a client to a court mandated training sessions on drunk driving. I went along to make sure that he didn't wind up in jail if he missed it. The leader of the group was a recovered alcoholic who really changed his life after losing his wife. He got sober and now works as a director of a substance abuse center. Hearing his story was truly inspiring. He was homeless for some time. He truly, truly hit rock bottom.

P.S. When is the MC session date/time?

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Thanks Wonka, I'll make the call. I know someone who can help guide me in this as well as point me in the right direction to talk to other couples.

The session is scheduled for July 9th in the afternoon.

PP


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Originally Posted By: PigPen
Originally Posted By: asitis

My coach has told me repeatedly that the single most important factor determining success is giving things time to work. Not jumping around, being inconsistent, changing messages at the first sign of mistake or that things aren't working.


I'm reading this and rereading this and rereading this over and over and over today. For some reason I want to just jump out of my skin this morning and DO SOMETHING. I want to write a handwritten letter, I want to make a phone call, I want to send an email, I want to make a crafty FB post that hopefully she'll see, I want to write a frickin poem. Anything.

But, I'm going to sit the "censored" down and be still and let this all play out without my interference. I'm not going to spend all day on this forum, nor obsess about my sitch. I'm going to work, create, meditate, workout, and communicate with people I love.

It looks like all hell broke loose in the marriage world over the weekend with all the newcomers around here. Hang on folks, my heart goes out to each and every one of you.


Trust me, I know exactly that urge, and it is really, really hard to resist scratching that itch. You know that it won't help, and will only hurt. Focus instead on the feelings themselves. What's going on in your body while you are having these feelings and urge? Bringing your attention to the actual feelings and sensations and being with them is the best way to let them lose some of their power.

Also, try to reach out and connect to someone you can do something with (even going out to coffee to chat) or other activity that gets you around people.

Good luck & hang in there.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,387
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Today was a kick in the pants. I've been anxious all day about my sitch and a meeting with my business partner regarding moving forward. I want to do some other stuff and we've changed our incomes to reflect that, but he wants more. It felt like I'd had six cups of coffee and my solar plexus were a knot of fireworks.

The meeting didn't go that well, there are now upset feelings. Although I did use a lot of Wonka's validation words. It was a balance of saying I knew where he was coming from but also valuing my role. I left it and while driving to the supermarket to get dinner almost hit some poor girl crossing the road on her phone. I was just a distracted mess and didn't even see her.

Truthfully I pulled into the parking lot and started crying. I'm a grown man, and fell apart. No kids, no evil W, none of the regular awfulness I read around here and still it's knocking me off my feet.

I get that this may be gift, but some days it's hard to find the silver lining. I'm going to slow down a bit, take more breaths this week, and focus on the positive. That and drive more carefully.

May there be positive changes in people's sitch's tonight.


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Originally Posted By: PigPen
Truthfully I pulled into the parking lot and started crying. I'm a grown man, and fell apart. No kids, no evil W, none of the regular awfulness I read around here and still it's knocking me off my feet.

I get that this may be gift, but some days it's hard to find the silver lining. I'm going to slow down a bit, take more breaths this week, and focus on the positive. That and drive more carefully.


Don't ever feel bad for crying, nothing at all wrong with that. Regardless of the differences in our sitches this experience is the hardest thing we have ever been through and we need to release those emotions at times.

Yeah, be careful driving. As embarrassing as this is, I ran into a firehydrant a month or two ago from being distracted. I was coasting in a parking lot and it went into the side of the wheel destroying it. Mistakes happen, we learn from them and move on the best we can.

Sorry the meeting didn't go as well as you wanted, tomorrow is another day. Take it one day at a time if need be.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
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Thanks Fogg, I appreciate you dropping in. Truthfully I got pulled over yesterday too. I didn't come to a complete stop at a stop sign (again, thinking of my W) and the cop asked if I had been drinking.

I took my sunglasses off, smiled and said, "I'm 160 days sober my friend." He asked if I was serious, and I told him I was. I showed him the little sobriety day counter app I have on my phone.

He shook my hand, said, "Congratulations" and told me to be a bit more careful. If there's one of many positive things that have come of my sitch it's the knowledge that I will never wake up hungover again, and will never worry about what's in my system when I get behind the wheel.

I'm sorry to hear about the fire hydrant, I'm glad to hear that you at least laid it all the way out and didn't just half ass it.

Two days in a row means, I'm going to start driving with much more attention. Enough's enough.

Thanks again for your kind words.


M 39 W 36
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BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
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