OK - got it. I was concerned you thought I was taking the "low road". I don't want to that. There has been enough of that already.
How I wish my W would be there with the family for the vacay but sadly that won't happen. It's also sad that she will miss spending time with the kids for 2 weeks. I so wanted to "tell her off" and say "this is what you chose" but of course I didn't. STFU. She has made her choices and I will respect them even if I don't agree.
It hurts to be the lighthouse sometimes. Telling the truth, adhering to our values, doing the right thing. Sacrifices. Going through this with you, Heavy. Literally.
So W invited me to attend a S9 event for a summer camp. It was a chance for us to be a "family" or at least play one.
On the way over, she texts me "I invited B (family friend) didn't want you to be surprised".
She always has a buffer with her now. I said I thought this was a family event? B is not family. So, of course I was outnumbered at the event and it was uncomfortable. B spent time taking pictures of S9 and W. I took a few selfies of me and S9.
This friend was always with us the last few years, never could do anything with W becuase she ALWAYS invited this friend. The friend is about 70 years old, a nice enough person but not family.
Oh well, another dysfunction in our relationship. A always said she wanted to spend time with me, but always brought someone else along. I commented on it many times but she almost always brought her along. Even my W's mothe commented does B always have to be around? I just said "apparently".
Water under the bridge now.
For the future, when we do family events (as rare as that might be) should I say family only or just ignore it and let her invite whoever she wants. I guess I have no control over who she invites to family events but does that strike anyone as odd?
Zip it....I do think at some point, you all will eventually spend family time without Friend B or Friend Z around. Right now, W is probably feeling uncomfortable and it is all ON HER.
Now I am wonderfing if she felt uncomfortable around me for the past few years. As this friend was at every birthday party, any dinners out on weekends, went on vacation together, just so much ingrained in our lives. Yes, she babysat for us a lot too and I am grateful for that but now looking back, it strikes me as another oddity.
Just catching up. I see the frustration you have ... but wanted you to notice something.
Do you see the movement? Its always slow and tough to see .... but your W is slowly moving. Her actually admitting the A was part of the reason she left ... big. Was not long ago this had nothing to do with OW and the A right? She is starting to process things and realizes ... in her own scrambled head way ... her and the A are part of the problem. And she seems to be desiring more family time ... but it terrifies her, its alot of pressure to face you .. so sure .. lets bring in a buffer, or suggest things that do not involve much one on one time with you such as movies (Mine was good at that avoid tactic)
Quote:
All my fault that she had the affair. She "tried to talk to me" about her feelings about another person after she had kissed and made out with them and planned her escape". She said she left becuase I am abusive and controlling. She said she won't talk about it anymore. I said wow - still no empathy for any of this. She said "no". She said she would do it again.
She is glad she left - doesn't regret anything and this has nothing to do with our children being affected in any way. We will carry on being a family but just redefined. If I object to that she states I am being controlling becuase this is what she wants. She is angry when we talk and angry when we don't talk.
This may or may not help you ... but Ms Cali did/said all this and worse. I did not recognize her, not with these things she said to me. I will tell you ... it was about this same time ago last year ... along with reel me in.. cast me out moments along the way.
My advice .. pick your battles on when and how you want family time. Invite her along if she would like to go ... join when you feel detached enough to have fun and not analyze her and the sithc to bits.
Heavy I know its tough, but remember believe nothing of what she says .. and only 50% of what she does .. this works for both the good and bad stuff.
1. Congrats on your situation improvements. I am so very happy for you.
2. I will heed your advice and pick any battles carefully. Its all in the hands of the L now anyway so there is nothing left to do exept sign some papers when the time comes.
Peace to you and I hope your improvements keep coming and look forward to reading about you moving HOME.
Now I am wonderfing if she felt uncomfortable around me for the past few years. As this friend was at every birthday party, any dinners out on weekends, went on vacation together, just so much ingrained in our lives. Yes, she babysat for us a lot too and I am grateful for that but now looking back, it strikes me as another oddity.
With this new additional information, I am going to revise my earlier comments.
So you are telling me that Friend A has been with you and W at every birthday party, dinners, vacations together, and pulling babysitting duty, right?
If this is the case, then I see it as a positive that W is bringing Friend A to spend time together as a family. This is the first time that it's happened in a long time since the BD.
I think having Friend A is a positive step for W. I would take it in a positive light. It is a good baby step here.
When you do see W with the family get-together, be light and breezy. Chat with Friend A about some common interests or discuss some new food that you liked.
