Yeah, I won't be complacent, Wonka. Just starting to feel like the deck is being stacked against me... they are going in on investments together, all the socializing with the OW's circle of people... I suppose it's possible that the faster they jump into all these entanglements while still in the fog of the affair, the quicker things could get heated between them when reality sets in. On the other hand, my W is stubborn... she might slog through the mess just not to be wrong, or in order to not have to disentangle from her after disentangling from me.
She hasn't exactly been blowing up my phone with texts since I've been away, either. Some texts over the weekend, esp Saturday regarding the shopping trip for the kids. And she did try to call me even, but I didn't answer and she wound up texting. But nothing since then. I know I'm not practicing detachment well if I'm thinking this much about her, but... I can't help but wonder what she's thinking over there, if anything about me. I mean, after all, she's got carte blanche now to see the OW at will.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
I know I'm not practicing detachment well if I'm thinking this much about her, but... I can't help but wonder what she's thinking over there, if anything about me. I mean, after all, she's got carte blanche now to see the OW at will.
Stop those awful thoughts!!! It does you NO GOOD at all, sweetie.
Dif - One thought I have in reading your posts. A lot of the things you are doing seem to be in a way to try to manipulate your W's feelings one way or another. Maybe not intentionally, but in some of your writing it comes off that way. You are going away fr so long and not telling your W to see her reaction, or bringing up shopping but not going, so she sees what she's missing, lighting candles to arouse certain scents for her, and so on. I'm not saying these are necessarily bad activities or behaviors by themselves.
But I think in your mind, you can't come at this like a puzzle you need to figure out. You're not on Apollo 13 trying to figure out the specific sequence of actions to land the ship. Somehow, you need to actually let her go. I think on some level she will feel it. I just think on some level trying to manipulate her feelings in a specific way is going to leave you worn out but still no closer to your goal.
I could be way off base, but that's the thought I had.
Stop those awful thoughts!!! It does you NO GOOD at all, sweetie. Get back on your GAL horse and gallop away!
I know, Wonka. Some days that seems to require a stronger act of the will than that of which I am capable. As far as GAL, just kind of faking it, I guess. I'm too far away for her to know otherwise, so I'll steel myself to do more than fake it when she sees me again later this week. Today I guess I was thrown by the postponed lunch. Really hard to focus today on much else besides her, ugh. I need to start my new job!
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Well Matt, you could be right to a certain extent... but I'm taking my cues from my coach. She suggested making the house something familiar and warm, hence the candles. She suggested getting her more involved with the boys without me to keep her individually vested in the family, hence the shopping trip. And this trip away... really, I'm not trying to be mysterious about where I am, no doubt she knows where I am. I just haven't said when I'm coming back. It might be controlling, but I DO NOT want the OW in our home, and if my W knew on Friday I'd be gone till Tuesday, I wouldn't put it past her to have invited her over the weekend...
I suppose I should be more detached from the outcomes of these actions, and that's the problem I'm having, at least today.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Well Matt, you could be right to a certain extent... but I'm taking my cues from my coach. She suggested making the house something familiar and warm, hence the candles. She suggested getting her more involved with the boys without me to keep her individually vested in the family, hence the shopping trip. And this trip away... really, I'm not trying to be mysterious about where I am, no doubt she knows where I am. I just haven't said when I'm coming back. It might be controlling, but I DO NOT want the OW in our home, and if my W knew on Friday I'd be gone till Tuesday, I wouldn't put it past her to have invited her over the weekend...
I suppose I should be more detached from the outcomes of these actions, and that's the problem I'm having, at least today.
I'm certainly not disagreeing with you or your coach on DOING any of the actions. This whole thing sometimes feels like solving an intricate, delicate puzzle.
I think there's some karmic benefit to thinking - I'm going to take my kids to do xyz because I know they'll love it vs. - I'm going to take my kids to do xyz because my wife might get sad she missed it
The first way you can get the joy of the event and sustain PMA. The second, you may get upset or disappointed your wife didn't react in a certain way, which casts a shadow over the whole thing.
It's sometimes hard for me to distinguish the two, but I'm trying to get myself more in the first mindset.
Yeah, I know Matt. The coaches are more focused, I think, on attracting our spouses back than they are concerned with our PMA. At least that's how I saw things after working with mine. She pretty much helped me develop a strategy to achieve a goal, and that's reconciliation. I wouldn't say coaching conflicts with the advice on this board, but it's more targeted toward that end. Here, the focus is on taking care of ourselves as a critical component of either re-attracting our spouses or setting ourselves up for a healthy and happy life without them. My coach didn't really let me imagine a future that didn't include reconciliation. And perhaps I think about that goal a bit too much, and it does mess with my PMA.
When is your first session with your coach? I'm eager to hear how things go for you...
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Yeah, I know Matt. The coaches are more focused, I think, on attracting our spouses back than they are concerned with our PMA. At least that's how I saw things after working with mine. She pretty much helped me develop a strategy to achieve a goal, and that's reconciliation. I wouldn't say coaching conflicts with the advice on this board, but it's more targeted toward that end. Here, the focus is on taking care of ourselves as a critical component of either re-attracting our spouses or setting ourselves up for a healthy and happy life without them. My coach didn't really let me imagine a future that didn't include reconciliation. And perhaps I think about that goal a bit too much, and it does mess with my PMA.
When is your first session with your coach? I'm eager to hear how things go for you...
I get that. And that's really what I need in my life now. I think I've proven to myself that I can be happy and successful alone. But I don't know how to take that next step to start to ¿lure? my wife back to me.
On your side, I'm seeing that you've got all the steps and plans. But have you proven to yourself that you don't need HER yet?
"Need" her is a really strong word. I know if she doesn't come back, there still is a future and I can make the determination to be happy. But I can't really see that yet, and I want her back more than anything. Which leads to funky moods when I get the sense I'm tilting at windmills.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Yeah....I could have worded it better. How about this....
In my mind, we're all here fighting two fights - one for ourselves and one for our marriage. Ultimately, there's two things I hope to achieve - 1) to get my WIFE back and 2) to get my LIFE back.
I have no idea if there's a right or wrong way to prioritize them. But I see in myself that I am hoping that achieving (2) will allow (1) to happen. I have no plans as of this moment as to how to re-attract my wife. I'm hoping that my coach will help me. But I find that I'm the most down when I have lulls in my LIFE. When the kids are in bed and I have nothing to do, when I wake up, etc.
In reading your posts, I feel like you are trying to achieve (1) in order for (2) to happen. You have a lot of specific plans about doing something to re-attract your wife and when they fall through or she doesn't react as you hoped, I can sense that you get down.
I don't know...maybe its semantics? maybe all you need is, as you said, to detach from the outcome. Try something and see if it works vs try something you hope will work and be down if it doesn't.
I don't know. Again, just some thoughts I had. Hope you don't stay down for long!
