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Sandi,

I have spent the last 2 days reading your posts and I am amazed at your insight and information. My life came crashing down back in October when my W and I began fighting over finances and her constantly going out to the clubs with her GFs. Our marriage has been rocky the past few years but I wasn't expecting her to drop the bomb.

At first I dismissed it as her being mad about our fights and frustrated with our financial situation. It wasn't until a few days later when she started sleeping on the couch, locking her phone, blocking me on Facebook and I noticed she had changed her grooming habits, that I started to get really worried.

After about a month of tension she insisted that we seperate as the only means to save our marriage. She wanted me to move out and give her space. I began suspecting her of being a WW due to her strange and erratic behavior and so moving out was something that I did not want to do.

After another month, and more signs, I decided to start figuring out what was really going on. She was leaving the home at all hours of the day and night. I decided to purchase a GPS tracking device and I placed it on her vehicle. It was only on there for 24 hours before she found it, and she was irrate at me for doing it. She told me "Our state is a no fault state. I can go to the clubs and spread my legs for all the men there and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it."

A few days later my kids told me that my W had a texting app and told me what her alias on it was. I made up a fake account and started texting her. Within a half an hour I had my W telling me her favorite sexual positions, that she is a moaner and what a piece of crap her husband (me) was... I couldn't believe she was talking like this! I called her out on it the next day and she said she was bored.

A week after this incident she told me she wanted me to go with her to see a Marriage specialist. This actually turned out to be a Divorce Mediator. He suggested that our marriage was over do to her being indifferent and that we could begin divorce proceddings and be divorced in 6 weeks. He wanted us to tell the children of our plans and then split living time in the home. I work a week off, week on schedule and he suggested that on my days off I live in the home and then she live there on my days at work. When we got home she cried and played on my sympathies and convinced me that we could work on our marriage if I would be willing to be the one to move out for a seperation.

At this time I moved in with my mother. I was coming home on the weekends and spending time with the kids. I noticed that we had condoms in the dresser and I was sure we didn't have anymore as we had not been intimate in months. But I counted them and took a picture so I wouldn't forget. She had been "gaslighting" me for months and I felt as if I couldn't trust my own memory anymore.

A week passed and I returned home again for the weekend. Again she was cold, distant, always texting, always leaving... One morning she actually got up to see me off to work. Something she hadn't done in months. Then a few hours later she called me at work to "say hello and see if I had recieved her text message". It felt forced and I knew she was checking to see if I was at work. That night we had to meet at the hospital as our son required stitches. We left the hospital and she raced home. We did get home at about the same time and she immediately went into the master bedroom (where I had been sleeping) and came out with a handful of trash from the bathroom. She took this trash and threw it in the kitchen trash. Remembering the condoms I went into the bedroom and counted the condoms. There was one missing. I then went to the kitchen trash and was able to dig out a condom wrapper. She dragged me into the bedroom and we began arguing. She claimed she was cleaning and didn't want to freak me out that she had swept up a condom wrapper from under the bed. We went for a drive to talk and she was very mean, cold and distant. When we returned home my W took the garbage out to the trash can. Something she never did...

After about 20 minutes I quietly went outside and retrieved the trash bag she had thrown out. I brought it into the master bathroom and began digging through it. I found a used condom. At that exact moment she sent me a text that said "I didn't cheat, I'm sorry.." I began crying hysterically. She must have heard my crying because she came into my bedroom. I held up the condom and asked "Why". She said we needed to go for another drive.

While we sat in an empty parking lot she explained to me that she hadn't cheated but that her friend and her OM stopped by the house to talk to her and asked if they could throw away their condom. This story later morphed into her friend using our home to commit adultery. To this day I still don't buy it.

That next morning she admitted to me that she had lied to me about the men she had been with before we got married. She told me about a lot of things she had lied about during the coarse of our marriage. I don't know why she decided to tell me all of this now, but it was very hurtful. The next morning I asked her point blank if she was having an affair. She told me she had been having multiple affairs. I began to ask lots and lots of questions.. When, where, how... After abobut 3 minutes of asking questions she said "Come on, do you really think I am capable of that! I haven't had any affairs" When asked why she would do that to me she said "I was so tired of you always asking me that I decided just to tell you what you wanted to hear". I think it was her way of admitting to them.

Again we discussed a seperation and she told me it would be the only way to save the marriage. She insisted that it needed to be a long seperation in order for us to work through our feelings. So again I left and went to live with my mother.

I was at my mothers house for about 3 weeks when my W asked if I would watch the kids so that she could take a trip to another state for her birthday. She works for an airline and we had taken the kids on day trips before but I knew somethng was up. She went on her trip while I watched the kids and ended up getting stuck there for 3 days. When she returned home she came to see me at my mothers house. We went for a drive and she told me how she felt our marriage had been lovelss and void of passion for years. She told me our sex was like a "hookup" and had no passion in it. I immediately wondered if she was having passionate sex with someone else and how she would even know what a hook up felt like.

A week later I contacted a friend that works for the same airline and had her look up my W ticket. She confirmed what I already knew. My W had taken someone with her on that trip the week before. I went home with all my belongings and told my W that I knew about her trip and that I was not going to go along with the seperation as long as she wasn't giving it any effort. She told me she booked someone with her but it was a favor for a friend and that she didn't spend any time with them. She told me that she had been in contact with her HS BF and that he had actually met her there and they spent most of their time together. I don't know which one was worse!

After a small discussion I left the house to return to my mothers again. Another two weeks went by and my children were telling me that my W was never home and leaving the house at all hours of the night. I decided I had enough and again I returned home.

When I arrived home she immediately got angry and started yelling at me. Telling me she hated me and that she never wanted to see me again. I began following her around the bedroom, begging her not to do this. I then said to her that whoever this man was, it wasn't worth throwing our marriage away for. She said to me "There isn't just one man, there has been 8 and they have made me feel amazing".

I could hear the kids listening throught the door so I turned around and said "Did you hear that kids?" Upon me saying this she punched me in the chest. I then reached for my phone and called the police. Long story short the police showed up I asked them not to press charges (I am actually in law enforcement myself) and they asked her to leave with the kids. She went to her parents house. She was only gone about 4 hours when she returned home and told me that she didn't know how she was going to get the kids to school or work, because she works from home. I agreed to once again leave the house (Stupid, stupid, stupid) A week went by and at the end of that week she had me served with a protection order.

The next week was a blur. I talked to friends, I talked to my kids, I talked to anyone I could to make sense of what was going on. My daughter told me that the day my W had found the GPS device, that she had come across an app on my W's phone where she was exchanging flirt texts with another man. They told each other how amazing they thought each other was and he sent her the Lone Star song "Amazing". I don't think I will ever be able to hear that song again without crying.

After that week I hired an attorney to fight the Protection Order and learned she had filled for divorce. That was 4 months ago... We have talked a lot over those 4 months and had mediation. The mediation didn't go well because we argued over the actual value of the home. She has told me that she is unwilling to R at this time and doesn't know when she will want to. She's told me "ILYBINILWY", and the latest was that if I would just leave her alone and give this some time that she may feel differently about me and the situation. But that she thinks I am unwilling to give it the time it will need for everything to heal.

After reading your posts Sandi, I now see that I really do need to leave her alone and let time do it's magic. I bought DB and DR last night and poured over it. Not a lot seems to apply to my sitch except for the LRT. About a month ago I blocked her phone number and refused to talk to her for 3 days. She finally got a hold of me on a number I didn't recognize and she cried and told me how she didn't want it to end this way and how sad she was. It was a side of her I hadn't heard in months. It only lasted that one phone call though as I called her that night and begged and cried and asked her to R with me.

The biggest problem now is that my W didn't make mortgage payments while all this was going on and our home has fallen into forclosure. We've discovered that we can file a Chapter 13 to save it and get caught up on the payments over the next 3-5 years. But guess who will be paying for all that? I'll have to pay for the CH13, the catch up payments and part of the mortgage. All while she enjoys living in our big beautiful home while I am forced to live in a small apartment. Small because I can't afford a nice apartment and paying to save the house that she will be living in. There is over 100K worth of equity in the house but I just don't think it's fair that I am displaced and paying for everything while she continues her plush lifestyle.

Sandi I know you said it sometimes takes a great loss to knock someone out of the fog. I can't think of any greater loss than that of our beautiful home. We have 6 children and it is going to be difficult to find housing for both of us where our children will be comfortable. One of our sons has a medical condition that is very expensive and one of our sons has a learning disability that would make it difficult for him to start over in a new school where the staff would need to learn how to work with him. His current school has done such a wonderful job finding out what works for him.

I know this is really long and I know it might not fit the exact topic but I wanted to make sure you saw this Sandi and I knew you had recently posted in this thread. Please give me any advice that you would think would be helpful. I'm so emotionally and physically exhausted.

-Prowl


BD Oct 2014
S Dec 2014
D filed Feb 20, 2015
D on hold as money ran out for attorneys and the marital home's future is up in the air

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
(http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534754&page=1).

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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Originally Posted By: Prowl
The biggest problem now is that my W didn't make mortgage payments while all this was going on and our home has fallen into forclosure. We've discovered that we can file a Chapter 13 to save it and get caught up on the payments over the next 3-5 years. But guess who will be paying for all that? I'll have to pay for the CH13, the catch up payments and part of the mortgage. All while she enjoys living in our big beautiful home while I am forced to live in a small apartment. Small because I can't afford a nice apartment and paying to save the house that she will be living in. There is over 100K worth of equity in the house but I just don't think it's fair that I am displaced and paying for everything while she continues her plush lifestyle.

Now that we have you on your own thread,
what is your lawyer saying to do about that CH13 and
the divorce proceedings?


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My attorney is a childhood friend so he has been very understanding and helpful. He actually recomended the CH13 as a way to save the 100K+ worth of equity in the home. Of coarse my W loves the idea as it allows her to stay in the house for the next few years while we try and get caught up.

The divorce will then continue after the house is safe.


BD Oct 2014
S Dec 2014
D filed Feb 20, 2015
D on hold as money ran out for attorneys and the marital home's future is up in the air

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I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. My wife is in the "fog" right now as well. Good Luck


Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs
EA: Started 3/2015
MC Started: 4/2015
She moved out and served 6/2015
PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015
2 young kids

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This has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through.

my W has definately re-written our marriage history. Now all I hear is how unhappy she was. How I was never there for them (I worked 2 jobs for 18 years to keep her home to raise the children)

I'm not a strong person. I suffer from depression and anxiety. I have screwed up for months with begging, pleading and crying for her to R. I am so incredibly thankful for this website and I pray I can get strength from it as I try to DB this freaking situation!

I am on day 3 of going dark and she just sent me a text. I responded very casually because it was about our son and she is fishing for more. Me not responding with anything more than the information pertaining to the facts is definately a 180 from my usual reponses.


BD Oct 2014
S Dec 2014
D filed Feb 20, 2015
D on hold as money ran out for attorneys and the marital home's future is up in the air

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Originally Posted By: Prowl
I'm not a strong person.
I suffer from depression and anxiety.

SO how can you 180 these things?

What are some small goals that you can set to start to work towards these 180's?


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Well I did it!!! I just had my first conversation in nearly 8 months where I took control and my power back.

There is a situation going on with my son and my W wanted to talk to me about it. She said she needed to talk to me immediately. I called her, kept the subject on my son and as soon as I gave her my input I told her that I had to get back to work.. She immediately said "Are you mad at me?" I said no I am just really busy. She said "ooookkkay, because it sounds like you're mad, did I do something wrong"? My reponse "Nope, I'm just really busy dealing with some issues here. Ill talk to you later".

It felt amazing and you could almost hear the confusion in her voice. I'm at work, in uniform, and I am trying not to cry. I have such a long uphill road to travel and it feels good to take the first step. I don't know what God has in store for me but I really hope it's my family at the top of that hill.


BD Oct 2014
S Dec 2014
D filed Feb 20, 2015
D on hold as money ran out for attorneys and the marital home's future is up in the air

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Originally Posted By: Cadet
Originally Posted By: Prowl
I'm not a strong person.
I suffer from depression and anxiety.

SO how can you 180 these things?

What are some small goals that you can set to start to work towards these 180's?


I definately need to be a more confident, happy person. I really hope I can. It's difficult when I'm alone in a place that isn't my home and my kids only come over twice a week. But I'm definately going to try.


BD Oct 2014
S Dec 2014
D filed Feb 20, 2015
D on hold as money ran out for attorneys and the marital home's future is up in the air

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I'm sorry if I keep the updates coming but it gives me strength. The W sent me another text telling me she needed me to call her. I called her and we talk about her dropping the kids off with me this evening so I can take them to a baseball game. I kept straight to the subject.

When I sent her the text asking her if she would let me know if she could bring the kids, I told her I was meeting friends at the ballpark. When we were talking she asked me "Are you meeting a woman tonight"? I said "No, my best friend from HS is in town and him and his family are meeting me there." She said "oh, ok... I just think it would be good for the boys to see you hang out with another woman so they aren't mad at me all the time." My S11 gets really mad when she talks to other men or has them at our house.

I then told her thank you and said I appreciate her bringing the boys over. She then said "It's weird that we're actually having normal conversations" I said "Yup, thanks again" and hung up.

Small baby steps... I keep getting told this is a marathon and not a sprint. I want to be home so badly with my family and it seems like such an impossible task. Please pray for me.


BD Oct 2014
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D filed Feb 20, 2015
D on hold as money ran out for attorneys and the marital home's future is up in the air

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Hey Prowl - post as often as you like. As I was told, "electrons are cheap".

I'm trying to get through all of your situation, but there's a lot to take in and I think it's best if a vet gets you started. But I will say, get and read the book. Absorb ALL the links in the intro post.

You're a lot stronger than you think. Find it in yourself.


At BD - Me: 33 Her: 33; M: 10 T: 15; D: 6 and 3

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Originally Posted By: Matt777
Hey Prowl - post as often as you like. As I was told, "electrons are cheap".

I'm trying to get through all of your situation, but there's a lot to take in and I think it's best if a vet gets you started. But I will say, get and read the book. Absorb ALL the links in the intro post.

You're a lot stronger than you think. Find it in yourself.


Thanks Matt.. I'm hoping one of the old pros (especially Sandi) will chime in and give me some advice. This is THE hardest thing I have ever gone through.


BD Oct 2014
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D filed Feb 20, 2015
D on hold as money ran out for attorneys and the marital home's future is up in the air

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Be strong prowl. The folks around here will help.


Me:43 Her:42
M:14
S:9
EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts)
PA started 2014/05/30
BD:2014/11/05
I left 2015/10/01
I returned 2015/05/02
She left 2015/06/10
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Originally Posted By: NDY
Be strong prowl. The folks around here will help.


Thanks NDY... My W has been telling me for months that we need to start over as friends and build a new foundation. Heck she's been saying that since before the BD. I don't know if that is just part of the WAW script but I keep reading that I need to listen to what she is asking me to do. Stop calling, give her space, man up... She's said all of these things to me. It's difficult when you aren't very patient and all you want is your family back together again.


BD Oct 2014
S Dec 2014
D filed Feb 20, 2015
D on hold as money ran out for attorneys and the marital home's future is up in the air

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Originally Posted By: Prowl
I keep reading that I need to listen to what she is asking me to do.
Stop calling, give her space, man up... She's said all of these things to me.
It's difficult when you aren't very patient and all you want is your family back together again.

So why do you think that pursuit is going to get your family back?
DB'ing is counter intuitive.

Although I say to believe none of what she says,
I would give her what she wants.
STOP CALLING and GIVE SPACE.

Have you read the 37 rules and are you using them?


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Prowl,

You are getting good advice and support from the great folks here. Keep going.

Originally Posted By: Prowl
Thanks Matt.. I'm hoping one of the old pros (especially Sandi) will chime in and give me some advice. This is THE hardest thing I have ever gone through.


Sandi is temporarily AWOL as she needs to take care of H and D who are facing some serious issues.

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Hi prowl

On cadets homework post there it a link to the resources. Use that link and read up on the Stockdale Paradox. It helped me immensely as I, just like you felt impatient and wanted everything back the way it was.


Me:43 Her:42
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S:9
EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts)
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Originally Posted By: Prowl
I've done some investigating and have figured out who one of my wife's affairs could be. They have been co-workers for years and he was never a threat because he was always "happily married". This man has been coming over to my home and my kids don't like it. After I asked my W about him the very next day him and his wife blocked me from Facebook.

He has been right under my nose the whole time. My wife went on a trip and she told me this man and "his wife" happened to be on the flight too... She told me later she was skipping my sons Dr. appt to go have lunch with this man "and his wife". She knew I wouldn't suspect him.

I am being told to call this man's wife and ask her questions pertaining to the facts that I know. Find out if she really was with him all the times my W met with him.

What should I do? What should I say to her? I'm sure my W has told her I'm a lose cannon and crazy.


I brought this post from infidelity over here because no one was answering you there and my posts don't often show up on that forum (I'm still on restriction). Plus, staying on one thread is easier to manage anyway.

I read your opening long post and without the post above I could have told you her affair partner was married. She lies and gaslights you to protect the secret because as soon as OM's wife finds out...the affair will be likely over. OM doesn't want to divorce. He just wants to have an affair.

As far as talking to OM's wife....HECK YES. She deserves to know and you can't hint about this at all to your wife. The fact OM's wife already removed you from Facebook just a couple days ago is an ominous signs. I think it probably means they (OM and/or your wife) either went into her account and removed you themselves (so you wouldn't contact there) and/or they played the very typical game where OM tells his wife about supporting your wife as a friend during the difficult divorce process your wife is going through and that you are a jealous obsessive controlling husband who is apparently now, [gasp] accusing OM of having an affair with his wife.

Because they may have forewarned OM's wife, my recommendation would be that you somehow get undeniable proof that OM can't lie his way out of. You've already seen months of how crafty a wayward wife can be when faced with overwhelming evidence (a used condom wrapper in your house) and trying to convince and confess to 8 different men so you wouldn't focus on discovering the "ONE" . Airline employees are well versed in the "adultery lie game". I don't know how you get absolute proof but OM's wife is going to need it in order to truly be convinced you aren't the one actually lying to her.

OM's wife is entitled to the truth about her life. Not telling her, IMO, is enabling the affair and becoming it's co-conspirator. Most likely OM's wife will get her husband to end the affair immediately. That's why it's this big secret. If OM wanted to leave his wife and kids, he would have done it already. Captain OM likes the image of being perfect citizen, former military guy, upstanding husband and father. You need solid evidence to overcome that wall of denial.


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Hello Prowl,

First, I am so sorry about the situation you are in.

I must disagree regarding contacting the OM's wife. In fact, most of your friends here in the online community would advise against contacting her. MWD doesn't recommend contacting the affair partner's spouse at all! There are lots of reasons not to do it!

It would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me to discuss our program at 303-444-7004.


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A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

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Prowl,

Zip it. Don't contact the OM's wife. Focus on YOU. Don't drag other people into your sitch.

Focus on what you CAN control and make those 180 changes that you can live with for the next 50 years of your life.

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Prowl,

While I generally believe that the OM's wife shouldn't be the only one of the four of you that doesn't know the truth about what's going on, you're not NEAR ready enough to handle the fierce blowback from exposure.

You need to build up your self-esteem and learn to set simple boundaries before you move on to any big stuff.


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I'm really confused. I think it would be good to expose the affair to the OMs wife as a way of ending it. I am on a few forums and on another they say to expose it as soon as possible. That once it's exposed she will hopefully be able to come out of the "fog".

I don't have a lot of evidence but I want to ask the OMs wife if he went out of town the same time my W did and to ask her if she knows about all the time he's been spending at my house...


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A few things -

1) how sure are you of this affair? 50%? 90%? 99%? Are you prepared to be the cause of ruining their marriage if the 1/10/50% case is the truth?

2) as Starsky said, are you strong enough to do with the blowback from this? If you do expose this, things will get a LOT worse. I'm sure there are multiple threads out there with some examples. Mahone flushing a junkie's stash down the toilet. YOU are now solely responsible for crushing this and you will be blamed. Are you strong enough to deal with it now?

3) what do you hope to gain from this? How does this help you reach your goals.


Not saying you should or shouldn't take this step. But it's a HUGE step and there's no going back once you open that door.


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Originally Posted By: Prowl
I am on a few forums and on another they say to expose it as soon as possible.

So why are you here?

Mixing and matching different forums advice may be a recipe for disaster.

DB and MWD does not endorse exposure.

I do not think it is appropriate for us to get into a discussion about different forums at this time.

That has never turned out well here.

We wish you luck with saving your marriage.
I think this is the best advice
Originally Posted By: Cristy
Hello Prowl,

First, I am so sorry about the situation you are in.

I must disagree regarding contacting the OM's wife. In fact, most of your friends here in the online community would advise against contacting her. MWD doesn't recommend contacting the affair partner's spouse at all! There are lots of reasons not to do it!

It would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me to discuss our program at 303-444-7004.


Cristy
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I've been trying to find something, ANYTHING, to save my marriage. I didn't do anything the other forums recommended because 1. I didn't have anything to go off of before

2. Nothing before felt right until I came across another forum. I have a friend in another state who did expose his Ws affair and it ended up working in his favor.

I'm really not here to say what is better or not. I have purchased both DB and DR and am already half way through DR. I've been reading all day and I am on the last resort pages as I type this.

I have pulled back completely and have done a total 180 from where I was even a week ago. Between the advice here an my own W telling me to back off I finall went out and GAL. I worked out this week and I haven't contacted her at all. She's called me the last three days and we've actually had normal conversations. She still alludes to the divorce procedding and talking to me as a "co-parent". But she has taken notice. We haven't had a conversation in 4 months were I wasn't asking her to R or to tell me how she's feeling. I've been the one to say "goodbye" at the end of conversations.

I just need some assurances from the people here that these little acts are something. I read to appreciate the little things and her noticing our conversations are normal is a small victory. I just get nervous when she keeps talking about a future without "us" and talks to me like a "co-parent".

Last edited by Cadet; 06/30/15 11:47 PM. Reason: other forums names are not allowed

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My biggest issue right now is my house. In the next month or so I will have to make a decision to let my house go into forclosure which will force my family out and will definately push the divorce forward as there will be nothing left to fight over. Or file a CH 13, that I will have to pay for, that will keep my family in our home but I will be paying for us to get caught up but will delay the divorce as we will be trying to save the house.

I have a difficult time paying for my wife to remain comfortable in our home an carry on with her A from inside the walls that I built. And all the while paying for it.

So as everyone can see time plays a major role in this. I almost want to tell her that if she is unwilling to R then I refuse to file the CH 13. Problem is I don't think she has any problems about letting everything go so she can be happy.


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Originally Posted By: Prowl
My biggest issue right now is my house. In the next month or so I will have to make a decision to let my house go into forclosure which will force my family out and will definately push the divorce forward as there will be nothing left to fight over. Or file a CH 13, that I will have to pay for, that will keep my family in our home but I will be paying for us to get caught up but will delay the divorce as we will be trying to save the house.

I have a difficult time paying for my wife to remain comfortable in our home an carry on with her A from inside the walls that I built. And all the while paying for it.



I'm not an expert here Prowl, but maybe you want to think about it this way.

If you stay in your hour you're not paying for your wife to remain comfortable in your home and carry on with her A. You're paying to keep your family in your home and delay your D.

You can pay for your house with either mindset, or as you said, not pay and force your family out and lead to a D.

Do you want a D? Or do you want to keep your family in your home and delay the D?

It doesn't sound like your house has anything to do with it.

Last edited by PigPen; 07/01/15 12:06 AM.

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I agree with Pigpen.....stay in the house and MBR.....if she wants to leave....you can't stop her. I chose to stay in my house and fight the battle from the MBR. Wife has moved into kids room. Working on GAL and focusing on kids. Doing my best to make 180s. What can I say but this really S@#$#. W is totally checked out but cannot support herself as she was a SAHM.... so she is stuck....I refuse to file for D. I will not do that to my kids......will she file for D....maybe after OM's D is final.

As far as contacting OM's wife.....well....I didn't have to contact her as she contacted me and was instrumental in uncovering the truth which is still lied about to this day. The OM has left his wife and there D will be final in another month. He is still apparently pursuing my W. Is my W still seeing this guy?......I have no idea but her current behavior says she is.....or she truly hates me for some reason.

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Hurt06

Unfortunately I am not living in the house and haven't been since January. She convinced me a seperation was the only way to save the marriage and then filed for a protective order once I started finding clues to her A. I didn't figure out the "who" until just recently but it's a huge coincidence that his marriage is now at risk at the same time as mine...

I spent all day reading DR and I agree that maybe calling the OM wife isn't the best idea. MWD says to ride it out and that A usually last around 6 months. To be completely honest I was involved in an EA 5 years ago and came clean with my W about it and wanted to fix what was wrong in our marriage. I remember the rush and being in the fog. I even remember thinking I wanted to end my marriage at that time. It lasted about 4 months until we both came to our senses and ended things. My W is on dating sites, apps, etc... So I don't think she is just interested in one OM. I think it's a possible MLC and she's enjoying all the attention she is getting from losing weight and her new found attention she gets from other men.

She's in the stage of only remembering the bad times. How horrible our marriage was and how unhappy she felt. All of that explained in DR. I've been crying and badgering for months. I really need to continue my 180 I just started 3 days ago and see what happens. I haven't called her at all. She called me at 3 AM last night to discuss a situation with our son. And then twice today.

I got to the end of DR and read some of the success stories. They made me bawl like a baby. I can't tell everyone how badly I want my sitch to have a happy ending. I've worked to hard and sacrificed to much to just let my marriage end like this. I did take it for granted but I realize now just how much I stand to lose.


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Ah, didn't realize you weren't living there too Prowl. That may change some things.

Your kids are living there though yes?

Might want to reach out to the vets about moving back in.


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My biggest issue right now is my house. In the next month or so I will have to make a decision to let my house go into forclosure which will force my family out and will definately push the divorce forward as there will be nothing left to fight over. Or file a CH 13, that I will have to pay for, that will keep my family in our home but I will be paying for us to get caught up but will delay the divorce as we will be trying to save the house.

Make the decision based on Fin considerations, otherwise emotion is running your life. Whatever decision you make you will need to live with so a cool head and good advice.

I have a difficult time paying for my wife to remain comfortable in our home an carry on with her A from inside the walls that I built. And all the while paying for it.

it's time for WW to step up to the plate and be involved in this. Are you able to look after your children and move back to the house.

So as everyone can see time plays a major role in this. I almost want to tell her that if she is unwilling to R then I refuse to file the CH 13. Problem is I don't think she has any problems about letting everything go so she can be happy.

These statements concern me greatly. The reason that should occur to you is that your behaviour would be controlling. Yes, I know this hasn't been said but it is in your thoughts. It would be useful for you to make a definitive contrast list of your choices.

I know this isn't easy and none of the choices are ideal but look after you and be stable for your children

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Hold on a second....

"To be completely honest I was involved in an EA 5 years ago and came clean with my W about it and wanted to fix what was wrong in our marriage. I remember the rush and being in the fog. I even remember thinking I wanted to end my marriage at that time."

I see how you CONVENIENTLY left this fact out of your story. This is HUGE. So you had an EA first, wanted to end your M (doesn't matter that you didn't, but you considered it) and now that your W wants to do it, you're condemning her?

Kettle meet pot.

It doesn't matter that your M might have been bad before. It doesn't excuse your A. AND the fact that you failed to mention any of this before shows your lack of taking responsibility.

Did the two of you go to C about it or did you just sweep it under the rug and blame her for "driving" you to the EA?


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Her Telling you that the only way the marriage will survive is through a separation is text book BS.

What your are describing seems to be "Caking Eating" with her wanting to stay home while you pay for everything.

I suggest you talk to your attorney about getting back into the house ASAP.

Vets please chime in here.

You have just as much of a right to live there as she does. The Protection order might not allow this to happen but your atty will know what to do.


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Originally Posted By: MrBond


I see how you CONVENIENTLY left this fact out of your story. This is HUGE. So you had an EA first, wanted to end your M (doesn't matter that you didn't, but you considered it) and now that your W wants to do it, you're condemning her?

Kettle meet pot.

It doesn't matter that your M might have been bad before. It doesn't excuse your A. AND the fact that you failed to mention any of this before shows your lack of taking responsibility.

Did the two of you go to C about it or did you just sweep it under the rug and blame her for "driving" you to the EA?


I came clean to her about everything and yes we did go to counseling. I told her every little detail that she asked for and she even contacted the OW for details. I never blamed her for "forcing" me into the life of someone else.

After I found out about all the men she had been talking to and seeing she said to me "You opened the door up for this 4 years ago". I have apologized profusely for my actions and I spent years after trying to make it right.

Am I condemning her? I sure am... I came to her about my feelings for someone else and I wanted to fix what was wrong in our marriage. She started seeing someone, very possibly brought them into our home and marital bed, convinced ME to leave the house so she could carry on with her A and then used the law to make sure I couldn't return to my home. A home I worked tirelessly for. She then didn't make house payments for 6 months during the S and has put us in a situation where we may lose our house and has absolutely destroyed our credit.

We saw a mediator at the very beginning of all of this and he said he could have us divorced in 6 weeks. All we had to do was share time in the marital home with the kids. That wasn't good enough for her. She was getting advice from a childhood friend, who is now an attorney, about getting me out of the house so she could file a protective order and get the upper hand. During this she assaulted me twice and I never laid a finger on her. The day after she filed the protection order she went on social media and posted a screen shot of her and her high school boyfriends conversation making fun of me and saying that I have "lost my mind" and how every man loses their mind after she leaves them. This is something my children saw.

So yes I am condemning her... It's one thing to want out of a marriage. It's another to blame me for her A's. destroy my credit, lose our home, destroy my reputation, laugh at my expense, and hurt my children. I felt horrible for having feelings for someone else and I tried to make it right. She decided to make it her personal vendetta to destroy me after she decided to step out of our marriage.


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Originally Posted By: Hurt06
Her Telling you that the only way the marriage will survive is through a separation is text book BS.

What your are describing seems to be "Caking Eating" with her wanting to stay home while you pay for everything.

I suggest you talk to your attorney about getting back into the house ASAP.

Vets please chime in here.

You have just as much of a right to live there as she does. The Protection order might not allow this to happen but your atty will know what to do.


My Atty has said to me that there is nothing I can do unless she is willing to lift the restraining order. This is the same Atty that will be filing the CH13 for us.

So basically I will be paying the $2K to file the CH13, paying the catch up mortgage payments, paying a portion of the regular mortgage, paying for rent in my own Apt. all the while she gets to live in our big beautiful home and not one thing in her life has changed. If I don't agree to this we lose the 100K worth of equity in our home.

Cake eating at it's finest.


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Prowl -

MrBond was trying to explain that it's a missing part of the story. It's a major incident in your MR that was left out and fills in some gaps in your initial story. Knowing this piece of history can change a lot of the advice you receive.

It also indicates something else about you that you may want to consider? Why did you not share it? Do you think it isn't televant to your current situation?


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Thanks Matt and I agree it probably did new to be mentioned at the beginning. It is something she uses to validate her behavior and reason for wanting out of our marriage.


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Originally Posted By: Prowl
Thanks Matt and I agree it probably did new to be mentioned at the beginning. It is something she uses to validate her behavior and reason for wanting out of our marriage.


I hate speaking for MrBond. I'm sure I'm not doing a good job. But you said this:

Originally Posted By: Prowl

I felt horrible for having feelings for someone else and I tried to make it right. She decided to make it her personal vendetta to destroy me after she decided to step out of our marriage.


MrBond asked you what you did to try to "make it right". Apologizing is not enough. Ow did you rebuild trust? How did you rebuild intimacy? This is not a "time heals all wounds" kind of thing. If you just said "I'm sorry" a bunch, she has probably never recovered from this.

Look, I don't think anyone is saying what she's doing is right. But the fact that you didn't think that this was an important part of what was a very lengthy first post leads me to believe that you two never really got over that incident together. That extra layer really changes a lot, don't you think?


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"Thanks Matt and I agree it probably did new to be mentioned at the beginning. It is something she uses to validate her behavior and reason for wanting out of our marriage."

And she'd be right.

You spend alot of time scorekeeping in terms of how what she's doing is so much worse than what you did. Cheating is cheating. It is admirable that you "came clean", but in the end, you were the one that wanted out and cheated first. Cheating does alot of damage and, as you know, is an extreme breach of trust.

Even though you two went to C, there was probably a part of her that never let it go. Just because you are okay with it, doesn't mean that she has to be. People react differently. You say that you didn't do anything "destructive" to her in the same way that she's doing to you. I say you're wrong. The emotional destruction is usually much worse than the physical or financial.

Again, I'm not justifying what she's doing, but the fact that you left out that part of your story and made yourself out to be the "good guy" here shows that you have alot to learn about relationships and about your role in all this.


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You're absolutely right... So please advise me on what to do now... I just want to make all of this right again.


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It seems like she tried to bait you with the whole "It would be good for the boys to see you hang out with another woman." Good job holding your tongue, that would have been tough for me to identify while it was happening. It really seems she just wanted to know if you have moved on. Hang in there.


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After your A was discovered, what did the C recommend? Did the two of you actually follow through with therapy or did you just kind of let it go?


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Originally Posted By: MrBond
"Thanks Matt and I agree it probably did new to be mentioned at the beginning. It is something she uses to validate her behavior and reason for wanting out of our marriage."

And she'd be right.

You spend alot of time scorekeeping in terms of how what she's doing is so much worse than what you did. Cheating is cheating. It is admirable that you "came clean", but in the end, you were the one that wanted out and cheated first. Cheating does alot of damage and, as you know, is an extreme breach of trust.

Even though you two went to C, there was probably a part of her that never let it go. Just because you are okay with it, doesn't mean that she has to be. People react differently. You say that you didn't do anything "destructive" to her in the same way that she's doing to you. I say you're wrong. The emotional destruction is usually much worse than the physical or financial.

Again, I'm not justifying what she's doing, but the fact that you left out that part of your story and made yourself out to be the "good guy" here shows that you have alot to learn about relationships and about your role in all this.


I agree he should have mentioned this but only because it helps us understand her some of her inappropriate justifications and rationalizations; not because "she'd be right".

I'm over a decade recovered. My wife has repented for her behavior and I have forgiven her. Her sin is as far from the east as the west. If I hold onto resentments that is my current sin and not my wife's fault. I am not justified to cheat on my wife today because of what she did "first". Her affair would play no role in my choices. My character, my vows and my choices are not controlled by nor dependent upon my wife.

SURRRRRRELY if I were to become wayward I would use the excuse. SUURRRRRRELY, I would try to rationalize and justify my wayward behavior telling anyone that would listen about how my wife cheated on me first while forgetting to mention it was over a decade ago and SURRRRELY I would attempt to manipulate my wife to keep quiet about any such wayward behavior or I'd tell everyone about what she did a decade ago; but, none of that would be something my wife would need to spend a minute upon "analyzing" and trying to figure out "her role in this". Instead, the current non-wayward me would want her fighting her butt off doing anything she could to try to stop me and save me from destroying my integrity and my family.

Wayward spouses do what wayward spouses do. They will use whatever rationalizations and justifications are handy. They are not real excuses. They are the sideshow. They are the peeling paint in the men's room on the Titanic. Not completely irrelevant but certainly a purposed distraction from the main show. Certainly learning how to improve his marital relationshis is an important skill for prowl to study and understand. They've got 6 kids counting on them. But a long discussing about his very modest seeming emotional affair IS mostly irrelevant, especially in the context of him having to "accept his role in this" as though it's his fault.

I just don't understand why the focus is on Prowl and what he did 5 years ago when his life is falling apart around him today. Begging, pursuing and pleading with a wayward isn't advised and neither is running around apologizing for past misdeeds and missteps that occur in EVERY marriage. Waywards just eat up those discussions and simply use it to further fuel their affairs.


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Originally Posted By: MrBond
After your A was discovered, what did the C recommend? Did the two of you actually follow through with therapy or did you just kind of let it go?


We went to C for a year. We worked on having more open communication and being transparent. No locks on phones or computers. To be honest a lot of the therapy was more to help our relationship and wasn't centered so much on helping her work through my betrayal. And to be honest after the second year I became frustrated with her inability to "forgive and forget". I see that was very selfish and uncaring of me now. I've spent the last two days reading both DB and DR and there is so much more I could have done.

To be honest I've learned just how many things I was doing wrong. I wish we could R so that I could show her just how much I've learned and how things could be better and different. I hope I don't have to take those lessons to a different relationship.

Last edited by Prowl; 07/02/15 05:03 AM.

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Originally Posted By: Prowl
Originally Posted By: MrBond
After your A was discovered, what did the C recommend? Did the two of you actually follow through with therapy or did you just kind of let it go?


We went to C for a year. We worked on having more open communication and being transparent. No locks on phones or computers. To be honest a lot of the therapy was more to help our relationship and wasn't centered so much on helping her work through my betrayal. And to be honest after the second year I became frustrated with her inability to "forgive and forget". I see that was very selfish and uncaring of me now. I've spent the last two days reading both DB and DR and there is so much more I could have done.

To be honest I've learned just how many things I was doing wrong. I wish we could R so that I could show her just how much I've learned and how things could be better and different. I hope I don't have to take those lessons to a different relationship.


You can't start over again, and you got a lot of selfish between you and the A, so it will take a long time. I'm not surprised W is baiting you, as she has built up quite a bit of rage. You did well not to take the bait.

Just keep practicing the I'm not a selfish bastard, I recognized that you suffered STFU smoothies, listening, and validating. Buy some stock in STFU smoothies, because you are likely going to be contributing to some profitable quarters.

You can't really replay the healing from infidelity process that MWD outlines in that chapter of DR, but I suspect that there are a lot of tips about the way to approach your very hurt W that you can glean from it. She is going to go through a lot of starts and stops, testing and venting, approaching and distancing. You have a different kind of rollercoaster to ride than some of us, but you seem to have your head and heart in the right place.

Good luck, & good job on getting through the selfish, aren't you going to let it go phase.


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Originally Posted By: Georgia Bulldogs
Originally Posted By: MrBond
"Thanks Matt and I agree it probably did new to be mentioned at the beginning. It is something she uses to validate her behavior and reason for wanting out of our marriage."

And she'd be right.

You spend alot of time scorekeeping in terms of how what she's doing is so much worse than what you did. Cheating is cheating. It is admirable that you "came clean", but in the end, you were the one that wanted out and cheated first. Cheating does alot of damage and, as you know, is an extreme breach of trust.

Even though you two went to C, there was probably a part of her that never let it go. Just because you are okay with it, doesn't mean that she has to be. People react differently. You say that you didn't do anything "destructive" to her in the same way that she's doing to you. I say you're wrong. The emotional destruction is usually much worse than the physical or financial.

Again, I'm not justifying what she's doing, but the fact that you left out that part of your story and made yourself out to be the "good guy" here shows that you have alot to learn about relationships and about your role in all this.


I agree he should have mentioned this but only because it helps us understand her some of her inappropriate justifications and rationalizations; not because "she'd be right".

I'm over a decade recovered. My wife has repented for her behavior and I have forgiven her. Her sin is as far from the east as the west. If I hold onto resentments that is my current sin and not my wife's fault. I am not justified to cheat on my wife today because of what she did "first". Her affair would play no role in my choices. My character, my vows and my choices are not controlled by nor dependent upon my wife.

SURRRRRRELY if I were to become wayward I would use the excuse. SUURRRRRRELY, I would try to rationalize and justify my wayward behavior telling anyone that would listen about how my wife cheated on me first while forgetting to mention it was over a decade ago and SURRRRELY I would attempt to manipulate my wife to keep quiet about any such wayward behavior or I'd tell everyone about what she did a decade ago; but, none of that would be something my wife would need to spend a minute upon "analyzing" and trying to figure out "her role in this". Instead, the current non-wayward me would want her fighting her butt off doing anything she could to try to stop me and save me from destroying my integrity and my family.

Wayward spouses do what wayward spouses do. They will use whatever rationalizations and justifications are handy. They are not real excuses. They are the sideshow. They are the peeling paint in the men's room on the Titanic. Not completely irrelevant but certainly a purposed distraction from the main show. Certainly learning how to improve his marital relationshis is an important skill for prowl to study and understand. They've got 6 kids counting on them. But a long discussing about his very modest seeming emotional affair IS mostly irrelevant, especially in the context of him having to "accept his role in this" as though it's his fault.

I just don't understand why the focus is on Prowl and what he did 5 years ago when his life is falling apart around him today. Begging, pursuing and pleading with a wayward isn't advised and neither is running around apologizing for past misdeeds and missteps that occur in EVERY marriage. Waywards just eat up those discussions and simply use it to further fuel their affairs.




whistle whistle whistle whistle


Amen.


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Originally Posted By: Georgia Bulldogs
I just don't understand why the focus is on Prowl

Because PROWL is the one here and the only person that we are advising.
Not his WW.
She too has issues their is no disputing that.

My only point is lets try to keep the discussion on him and not make this meta about other posters.


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I think it should be noted that Prowl proactively came clean about his own EA here. This was NOT one of those "Prowl, it seems like there's something missing here" or "Are you sure there isn't something you're not telling us?" things that we see often on this forum.

So he proactively confessed to it here to us, just as he did about the EA itself to his wife after it happened.

I think he deserves our support in that, not our condemnation.


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Originally Posted By: Cadet
Originally Posted By: Georgia Bulldogs
I just don't understand why the focus is on Prowl

Because PROWL is the one here and the only person that we are advising.
Not his WW.
She too has issues their is no disputing that.

My only point is lets try to keep the discussion on him and not make this meta about other posters.



Very true..

And brining this back to Prowl, his wife is not in any way, shape or manner currently in any pain over what Prowl did or did not do 4 or 5 years ago. His prior EA is only relevant to his wayward wife to the extent she can use it to bad mouth, manipulate and/or guilt/shame Prowl to do what she says and not interfere in her corrupt behavior.

Prowl....your prior EA explains, in part, your marriage's vulnerability and susceptibility to infidelity but it doesn't excuse or justify her choices. Your wife is lost right now and needs your help (help being an active verb) versus you sitting around navel gazing bemoaning any and all your prior infractions in the marriage that she is more than happy to help you fixate on. Personally, I think paying for the house and enabling her to maintain this wayward lifestyle is probably foolhardy. I can't imagine losing the equity in you home but the way your wife is going you are probably only losing half of it (since the other half would be going to her and this lifestyle) anyway. I presume you've already stop paying for extra luxury items like cable and internet?

Don't sweat the credit problem. It's destroyed already so there is little you can do today to change it. It's gone for now but once this is over it can be rehabilitated pretty quickly . You've got bigger problems.

Can you beat the protection order and move back home? I'm guessing you had to settle and agree to leave her alone because you are in law enforcement and can't have a PO on your record. In the words of Johnny Rotten, "bollocks".


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Just a little kindness here, I think there is a lot of hurt all around.

I have a female friend whose husband cheated on her three days before the wedding 35 years ago. She is still upset about it sometimes. Five years within the time frame isn't long at all.

I believe the reason my friend is still unhappy is because she feels that her H didn't fully apologise and atone for the behaviour. His attitude is "I married you, didn't I". As far as everyone knows it never happened again but this lady hasn't forgiven although she let go of the resentment. It isn't whether Prowl considers he atoned but whether WW believes he did and accepts that matter is closed.

It is as it is.

Everyone is hurting, WW may also be using this as an excuse for her waywardness but it can damage for a long time.

I do still believe that WW is being wayward today and nothing excuses that behaviour by WW. Even though WW may be upset and in pain, none of us can mind read, that A behaviour by Prowl could be a part of the issue for WW.

Prowl, if you take the higher ground on this and realise that WW may have some validity but that does not excuse her behaviour at all then you will not go far wrong.

You may wish to consider reading Mozza's thread too as that may be informative. That does not mean that I think you should be any less strong about WW and her behaviour, nor should she pull less than her Fin weight in this sitch.

I would like to offer you all the strength and support I can projected across the miles and peace in your heart.

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Thanks to everyone. I'm so thankful to have all of your advice and support. I know my EA was wrong and I am sure my W doesn't feel I have fully atoned for my mistake. Do I continue to bring it up and apologize for it or let it rest?

Today has been extremely difficult. I saw her for the first time in months yesterday during a kid swap. It's weird seeing her. She's lost so much weight and her cold, uncaring attitude towards me is something I am still getting use to.

As for the house I really don't know what to do. She hasn't made a mortgage payment in 6 months and she really doesn't have any bills. When I put her child support in her account this week it didn't even take her out of the negative. How does she expect us to pay the mortgage, the catch up payments and my apartment? To give everyone a little back history, my wife is kinda a princess. She was mad when she had to start working 5 years ago and to this day reminds me that "she would never have to work and I would always take care of everything." My overtime went away and she was able to find a part time job working from home. Our biggest fights and resentment comes from this. In the fall of 2013 she didn't work for 3 months and I didn't find out until we started bouncing checks. This last fall she didn't work for a month and a half. When I found out I was extremely angry and that was part of the big fight that led to BD. I remember asking her what we would do if I took months off at a time...

So her wanting to remain in our beautiful home while I pay for everything is kinda par for our marriage. During mediation she wanted to remain in the house until the kids were grown and then sell and split the equity. In a way she is getting this for 3-5 years or until I get the mortgage payments caught up. I don't like living in an apartment. I want to be in my house. I suffer from anxiety and depression and being alone is difficult for me. Especially when I feel I'm being played.

I know I sound selfish and I'm trying not to. I've felt used my entire marriage. I always worked 2-3 jobs and would come home and have to do my own laundry, dishes, etc... My wife is very social and doesn't like doing much around the house. My kids tell me how they are doing everything around the house and the older kids are making dinners most nights while she's "out".

I know this sounds like a complain session and maybe it is. I'm really frustrated this morning and it's all I can do to not call her and cry and beg for her to reconsider.


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Lately, there have been a few days I did not have as much time to devote to the board, and other days I have my old trusty IPad that keeps me connected. It actually helps me by redirecting my focus (for a little while, anyway) where I may not feel quite as useless & helpless as I do when I have sick loved ones. You all know how tough it is when you want to "do" something, but some things are out of your control. There are so many things we face down through life we will not be able to control. I try to apply what I have encouraged others to do, and that is to give of ourselves wherever we can help others.....and in return it helps us deal with our own problems. This community has continued to support and bless me. I just wanted to say, again, thanks for your prayers, concern, and well wishes. It is comforting to me, and I appreciate it greatly.
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Prowl, I just saw your post today, and I am trying to catch up on your thread. I hope it doesn't close before I send my post, but if it does, please start another thread. I don't want you to think I was ignoring you. I am extremely flattered that you would reach out for my help. I do take it seriously, b/c whenever we give advice.....there should be a level of responsibility behind it. At least, that's how I personally feel.

I have not read any previous posts before the one on Thriver's thread, but I have been reading the current thread and see you getting mixed opinions. It must leave you feeling very confused. I usually try not to jump into the middle and add my own VP, too. Since you have sought me out through the title of the thread, I hate not to respond at all.

I will reply in a separate post from this one, okay?


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You need living arrangements that can accommodate visitation with all those kids and a place with a pool that the kids will WANT to visit, then as the more responsible more loving parent you just do your job, pay your modest support and be the best parent you can be until such time that you can petition the court for primary custody of your children. Based upon their ages, they will have a lot of say in which parent they choose to live with and your wife just doesn't really care about them at all right now as she destroys their security, their family AND their father.

Get on some men's rights websites. You've got to be really prepared and document everything for a number of months, even years to eventually "beat" her at this game but your youngest is 8 so really you only have 10 years at most left.

Your wife is a entitled terrorist you can't negotiate with or ever trust so there is no bargain or deal to ever be had with her. This is one situation where I think cutting her off financially, letting the house go, improving YOUR situation to the best of your ability and protecting yourself (and your kids) is priority number one. If your wife hits rock bottom in the process and "repents" so be it. Get out of God's way. If she wants to "save the house" ....let her get a job. She can work now while you have visitation.

Do you have 50/50 visitation?


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Thank you Sandi!! Today's been tough and I'm so happy you took some time from your life and taking care of your family to respond to me. It means so much to me!

I've been crying a lot today and trying desperately not to call and beg her to let me come home and fix our family. I've been strong for four days and I don't want to ruin it now. I'm so tired... Emotionally and physically.


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Originally Posted By: Georgia Bulldogs
You need living arrangements that can accommodate visitation with all those kids and a place with a pool that the kids will WANT to visit, then as the more responsible more loving parent you just do your job, pay your modest support and be the best parent you can be until such time that you can petition the court for primary custody of your children. Based upon their ages, they will have a lot of say in which parent they choose to live with and your wife just doesn't really care about them at all right now as she destroys their security, their family AND their father.

Get on some men's rights websites. You've got to be really prepared and document everything for a number of months, even years to eventually "beat" her at this game but your youngest is 8 so really you only have 10 years at most left.

Your wife is a entitled terrorist you can't negotiate with or ever trust so there is no bargain or deal to ever be had with her. This is one situation where I think cutting her off financially, letting the house go, improving YOUR situation to the best of your ability and protecting yourself (and your kids) is priority number one. If your wife hits rock bottom in the process and "repents" so be it. Get out of God's way. If she wants to "save the house" ....let her get a job. She can work now while you have visitation.

Do you have 50/50 visitation?


My schedule doesn't really allow me to have 50/50 custody. I work a 4 on 4 off 12 hour shift schedule. She's told me she's more than happy to let me have 50/50 but she will only agree to a full week. I can't leave my kids all day when I'm at work and I can't get them to school on the days I work.

She is very entitled and she knows I'll always bail her out. I don't know what to do about the house but I tried to even explain to her today that there is no way we can afford the house and rent. She'll move out and let the house go into forclosure before she'll let me come back home. That's her current stand. We have been getting around much better this week and I'm hoping to see any gains soon.


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Originally Posted By: Prowl
Originally Posted By: Georgia Bulldogs
You need living arrangements that can accommodate visitation with all those kids and a place with a pool that the kids will WANT to visit, then as the more responsible more loving parent you just do your job, pay your modest support and be the best parent you can be until such time that you can petition the court for primary custody of your children. Based upon their ages, they will have a lot of say in which parent they choose to live with and your wife just doesn't really care about them at all right now as she destroys their security, their family AND their father.

Get on some men's rights websites. You've got to be really prepared and document everything for a number of months, even years to eventually "beat" her at this game but your youngest is 8 so really you only have 10 years at most left.

Your wife is a entitled terrorist you can't negotiate with or ever trust so there is no bargain or deal to ever be had with her. This is one situation where I think cutting her off financially, letting the house go, improving YOUR situation to the best of your ability and protecting yourself (and your kids) is priority number one. If your wife hits rock bottom in the process and "repents" so be it. Get out of God's way. If she wants to "save the house" ....let her get a job. She can work now while you have visitation.

Do you have 50/50 visitation?


She'll move out and let the house go into forclosure before she'll let me come back home. That's her current stand. We have been getting around much better this week and I'm hoping to see any gains soon.


I'm confused by this. If you pay all the bills, how can the house go into foreclosure if you move in and she leaves?

When you say getting on much better, what does that mean? You are talking about doing things she doesn't want. Of course she's going to be sweet to you to try to get you to not do them. Don't mistake niceness or peace for progress.


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Originally Posted By: Matt777


I'm confused by this. If you pay all the bills, how can the house go into foreclosure if you move in and she leaves?

When you say getting on much better, what does that mean? You are talking about doing things she doesn't want. Of course she's going to be sweet to you to try to get you to not do them. Don't mistake niceness or peace for progress.


Because the past few months I have been paying the mortgages in lieu of child support as agreed on with our attorneys. She ran out of money 2 months ago and can't afford to pay for her attorneys and continue with the D. then the bank contacted us and warned us the foreclosure was looming this month because of the payments she missed before...

Now if she leaves the house I will be paying child support instead of the mortgage. I can't afford the mortgage and CS. She's also said I am welcomed to move back in and she'll move out but she'll go full steam with the D. So basically if I don't stay out of the house there will be no saving anything. She's bullying me and using the situation to her advantage.


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Originally Posted By: Matt777


When you say getting on much better, what does that mean? You are talking about doing things she doesn't want. Of course she's going to be sweet to you to try to get you to not do them. Don't mistake niceness or peace for progress.


I meant to write "getting along better"... I haven't been crying, begging, etc... We've only been talking about the kids. We haven't been fighting or bringing up past hurts. My kids even made a comment about noticing us not fighting on the phone anymore the last few days. I'm trying desperately not to beg and plead.


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Originally Posted By: asitis


You can't start over again, and you got a lot of selfish between you and the A, so it will take a long time. I'm not surprised W is baiting you, as she has built up quite a bit of rage. You did well not to take the bait.

Just keep practicing the I'm not a selfish bastard, I recognized that you suffered STFU smoothies, listening, and validating. Buy some stock in STFU smoothies, because you are likely going to be contributing to some profitable quarters.

You can't really replay the healing from infidelity process that MWD outlines in that chapter of DR, but I suspect that there are a lot of tips about the way to approach your very hurt W that you can glean from it. She is going to go through a lot of starts and stops, testing and venting, approaching and distancing. You have a different kind of rollercoaster to ride than some of us, but you seem to have your head and heart in the right place.

Good luck, & good job on getting through the selfish, aren't you going to let it go phase.



Thank you Asitis, this is great advice...

My wife has mentioned this taking a very long time to recover from. Even years... I don't know whether she is using this as an excuse to live in the home with me hoping for a R. Or if she really feels there is a chance for us and that it will just take a while. She is following the script to the "T". She can't or wont recall any good times. None at all!! It's maddening! But it doesn't surprise me anymore after reading DB & DR. She's doing exactly what it says she will be doing.

So for now I'm just going to follow my script. I've stopped playing the victim. Stopped crying and begging and just doing my best to give her "good feelings"...


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What are the ages of you and W, and how many years have you been together?

You are seeking help from a great deal of resources in a relative short period of time. Blend it with all the various stressors you face right now, you must be feeling like a man who is about to go under the last time. Considering your health, I hope you will take a deep breath and try to calm yourself as much as possible. I believe when a person is under tremdous pressure and trying to obtain so much "quick" information, it could result in what I call "brain overload". Has nothing to do with IQ, but the circumstances or conditions. The body, mind, and spirit can just tolerate so much at once, until something starts shutting down. You already feel on the verge of emotional collapse, so please protect yourself by going into survival mode. You can't save your children, marriage, home, etc., if you drown first. So, this post will be my suggestions of what to do before you go down for the last time.

I don't say this as a plug for the DBing forum, but you really have to stop reading various forums.....at least for the time being. The more forums....the more opinions.....the more confusion for you. Your state of being cannot handle all of it at this time. In order to survive, go with one forum/author/program.

Think of your overall stitch as if it were a great body of water. Think of the M as being a a boat that's sinking. You cannot swim if your fear of deep water causes you to fight it, right? You won't survive by going down with the boat, right? You can't save the other passenger (WW) if she drowns you in the process. If you start grab at everything that is rushing pass by (all forums and all advice), the weight will be too great and you will drown. And, you won't swim until you first let go of that boat that has the bottom blown away? No matter what nice possessions you have obtained, you can't drag them along while trying to swim. So, which will it be? If you are too exhausted or scared to swim, and the waters are taking you down, grab a life saver that will hold you up till you can get to shallow water.

So, for now.....stop trying to save everything. Stop trying to win back your WW. Let go. Get your own sharp lawyer who will fight for your rights as a father, and will see what can be done about that PO. Get an educated, certified, legal adviser (someone who knows the laws about bankruptcy, realestate, divorce settlements, child support and custody, and the laws in your state. Don't rely upon the poll from public forums or friends (especially one who is giving advice to her, too?) about your finances and what to do with that monster of a house (that will soon be vacated by those teenagers). You want them to live in a comfortable, nice house? Do you really think the first five kids will still be living at home by the time you can catch up with the payments (not to mention paying off the mortage). What about college? What good will a big nice house be to their future, if they can't find a good job? See what I mean? What is most important? To have a big, empty house the kids can visit in a few years, or to downsize into an affordable, less comfy, house? Which should take priority, paying for their education to give them a better shot at having good careers......or this particular nice house for a few short years?

What do you believe is more important to the kids, to have both parents under the same room while getting divorced......or to keep things as it is now? Which is less stressful for them, and for you? Which way can you cope the best? What does the law have to say about which way is best for you? Find out.

Take care of you health, even if you don't care about it, six other people, at lest, care. Do something to help deal with the depression. Some types have to have help, b/c it doesn't go away by itself. You need to GAL, do something fun, and be around people who like you! Your WW is not going to give you emotional support. Don't go down that tunnel.

You are not powerless, you just feel powerless b/c all of it together is too strong. I am not telling you to go file for a D, if that's not what you want. Get your priorities in order to survive the crises. Then you can deal with other issues, including what and how to deal with our WW, her OM, etc., & etc.

Get some sleep. Tomorrow is another day.

((hugs))


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So I need to throw this out there because she made a comment about it earlier this week.

She claims I am very controlling and have been our whole marriage. In a way maybe I have been and I have my excuses but I'm sure I am wrong in my thinking... Like I mentioned earlier I have always worked 2-3 jobs during our marriage. When it came to buying our house I wanted to use a certain builder because of the amazing lot we could get that had a view that over looked the valley. Not the house she wanted but because I was the one working 2 jobs, I wanted the house from this builder. Yes I know selfish, please don't condemn me. I am learning a lot through this and discovering my faults.

Then the cars. I bought her a new van 15 years ago. The next year I bought myself a small commuter car and gave plasma for 6 months to pay for it. 6 years later I worked 2 years of nearly straight overtime to purchase my dream car. I'm now being told again how selfish I am as I have had two new cars and she's still driving a van from 15 years ago. She wanted me to purchase her a new car this fall, about a month before BD.

My question is how do I show her I am not the selfish person she thinks I am without making her feel wrong or invalidated. I tried asking her if a selfish person would work the amount of hours I did to take care of their family and miss out on numerous events. I've always spoiled my children to the greatest of my abilities. Worked tirelessly to pay for their sports and activities and know I am having to defend myself as not being selfish...


BD Oct 2014
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D on hold as money ran out for attorneys and the marital home's future is up in the air

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Controlling doesn't equal selfishness. It seems as if you're misinterpreting things.

Did you control how much she spent, where she went, what she would purchase, how she treated the kids, etc.?

BTW, much of what you post revolves around money and how great of a provider you are, etc. She's looking for someone to fill her emotional needs. Not just financial.


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Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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Originally Posted By: MrBond
Controlling doesn't equal selfishness. It seems as if you're misinterpreting things.

Did you control how much she spent, where she went, what she would purchase, how she treated the kids, etc.?

BTW, much of what you post revolves around money and how great of a provider you are, etc. She's looking for someone to fill her emotional needs. Not just financial.


You hit the nail on the Head MrBond. I know I neglected her emotional needs the past couple of years. She has said this numerous times. What can I do to 180 that?

As for controlling yes and no... She flew all over the country going to concerts and being a groupie with all her other GFs from all over the country. I always encouraged her to do this. When it came to money she was and still is horrible at budgeting. A lot of our fights came from this. This fall when all hell broke lose and I began suspecting her of her A I made comments that would have been very controlling. She hadn't worked for nearly six weeks and didn't tell me. I learned after we started bouncing checks. I told her I wanted to start seeing her pay stubs.. I know, I know... 😞 then one night I discovered she was at a club instea of a wedding like she told me. Her friends tagged her on FB pics they had taken. I called her and after telling her I knew she was lying I demanded that she come home. I told her I was tired of her going out to bars and clubs instead of being home with her husband and kids. She brings both of these up a lot. In my defense I was freaking out and knew nothing about DB and had that feeling that she had already started her A.

Again please be gentle as I am learning and I am open to any and all advice.


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Prowl,

You are not controlling. Full stop. End of story.

"Controlling" is the battle cry of every wayward wife (and many wayward husband's too).

Like I said about your EA. It's the side show. A magician's parlor trick with a slight of hand to distract you from focusing on the real problems in your marriage that she has no intention of discussing, changing or accepting responsibility for.

Read up on the term "gas lighting". Essentially, it's a distraction technique whereby they try to act like and convince their "victim" that they are crazy.

Another way to say it. Your wife's best defense is a good offense. By focusing on your "controlling" behavior and taking advantage of your desire to fix things and make your home and family a happier place, your wife manipulates you into allowing her to do whatever she wants lest you be deemed a "controlling jerk". Your continuing guilt from your EA likely made this an easier manipulation.

What should you do about being called controlling? Open the cage door. She's free to go. If you truly are "controlling" you obviously aren't very good at it. It's a lie and you just don't need to believe it, buy into it or let it make you feel guilty anymore to such an extent that you allow HER to control you.

I'm not saying you have to fight her over the issue. You could even sit there and validate it. "So you think I'm controlling...How?, that is an interesting concept". Anything to keep her talking and while you meet her emotional needs for conversation.


Why can't YOU insist on 50/50 and a 4 day/4 day rotation???? Seems the courts would give it to you in most states these days. Stick to your guns and fight for it.


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Hi Prowl,

I am so sorry to hear that you are going thru all this. It is very painful and you are grieving. It's ok, it's happened to us all at one time or another. I ride a roller coaster of emotions and right now I feel like I am grieving. Other days, I feel ok.

I think it was in one of your first posts you wrote: "My W has definitely re-written our marriage history. Now all I hear is how unhappy she was." I can relate because that is exactly what my WAW has done. Also, many other WAS' have done this, too.

Whether you are a beleiver or not, I will dedicate a special prayer to you. Also, I hope you find this people verse comforting:
“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future’” (Jeremiah 29:11).

I wish you well.

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
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Prowl, I'm sorry for what you are going through. There's a lot of great people on this board so just listen to what they say. One of those is Sandi and she accidentally posted on my thread thinking I was you. Here is the link to her post. I urge you to heed her advice...stay strong my friend.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...350#Post2584350

Cadet, we may be in need of some moderation. Can you please move Sandi's post from my thread into Prowl's?


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Sandi,

I have spent the last 2 days reading your posts and I am amazed at your insight and information. My life came crashing down back in October when my W and I began fighting over finances and her constantly going out to the clubs with her GFs. Our marriage has been rocky the past few years but I wasn't expecting her to drop the bomb.

At first I dismissed it as her being mad about our fights and frustrated with our financial situation. It wasn't until a few days later when she started sleeping on the couch, locking her phone, blocking me on Facebook and I noticed she had changed her grooming habits, that I started to get really worried.

After about a month of tension she insisted that we seperate as the only means to save our marriage. She wanted me to move out and give her space. I began suspecting her of being a WW due to her strange and erratic behavior and so moving out was something that I did not want to do.

After another month, and more signs, I decided to start figuring out what was really going on. She was leaving the home at all hours of the day and night. I decided to purchase a GPS tracking device and I placed it on her vehicle. It was only on there for 24 hours before she found it, and she was irrate at me for doing it. She told me "Our state is a no fault state. I can go to the clubs and spread my legs for all the men there and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it."

A few days later my kids told me that my W had a texting app and told me what her alias on it was. I made up a fake account and started texting her. Within a half an hour I had my W telling me her favorite sexual positions, that she is a moaner and what a piece of crap her husband (me) was... I couldn't believe she was talking like this! I called her out on it the next day and she said she was bored.

A week after this incident she told me she wanted me to go with her to see a Marriage specialist. This actually turned out to be a Divorce Mediator. He suggested that our marriage was over do to her being indifferent and that we could begin divorce proceddings and be divorced in 6 weeks. He wanted us to tell the children of our plans and then split living time in the home. I work a week off, week on schedule and he suggested that on my days off I live in the home and then she live there on my days at work. When we got home she cried and played on my sympathies and convinced me that we could work on our marriage if I would be willing to be the one to move out for a seperation.

At this time I moved in with my mother. I was coming home on the weekends and spending time with the kids. I noticed that we had condoms in the dresser and I was sure we didn't have anymore as we had not been intimate in months. But I counted them and took a picture so I wouldn't forget. She had been "gaslighting" me for months and I felt as if I couldn't trust my own memory anymore.

A week passed and I returned home again for the weekend. Again she was cold, distant, always texting, always leaving... One morning she actually got up to see me off to work. Something she hadn't done in months. Then a few hours later she called me at work to "say hello and see if I had recieved her text message". It felt forced and I knew she was checking to see if I was at work. That night we had to meet at the hospital as our son required stitches. We left the hospital and she raced home. We did get home at about the same time and she immediately went into the master bedroom (where I had been sleeping) and came out with a handful of trash from the bathroom. She took this trash and threw it in the kitchen trash. Remembering the condoms I went into the bedroom and counted the condoms. There was one missing. I then went to the kitchen trash and was able to dig out a condom wrapper. She dragged me into the bedroom and we began arguing. She claimed she was cleaning and didn't want to freak me out that she had swept up a condom wrapper from under the bed. We went for a drive to talk and she was very mean, cold and distant. When we returned home my W took the garbage out to the trash can. Something she never did...

After about 20 minutes I quietly went outside and retrieved the trash bag she had thrown out. I brought it into the master bathroom and began digging through it. I found a used condom. At that exact moment she sent me a text that said "I didn't cheat, I'm sorry.." I began crying hysterically. She must have heard my crying because she came into my bedroom. I held up the condom and asked "Why". She said we needed to go for another drive.

While we sat in an empty parking lot she explained to me that she hadn't cheated but that her friend and her OM stopped by the house to talk to her and asked if they could throw away their condom. This story later morphed into her friend using our home to commit adultery. To this day I still don't buy it.

That next morning she admitted to me that she had lied to me about the men she had been with before we got married. She told me about a lot of things she had lied about during the coarse of our marriage. I don't know why she decided to tell me all of this now, but it was very hurtful. The next morning I asked her point blank if she was having an affair. She told me she had been having multiple affairs. I began to ask lots and lots of questions.. When, where, how... After abobut 3 minutes of asking questions she said "Come on, do you really think I am capable of that! I haven't had any affairs" When asked why she would do that to me she said "I was so tired of you always asking me that I decided just to tell you what you wanted to hear". I think it was her way of admitting to them.

Again we discussed a seperation and she told me it would be the only way to save the marriage. She insisted that it needed to be a long seperation in order for us to work through our feelings. So again I left and went to live with my mother.

I was at my mothers house for about 3 weeks when my W asked if I would watch the kids so that she could take a trip to another state for her birthday. She works for an airline and we had taken the kids on day trips before but I knew somethng was up. She went on her trip while I watched the kids and ended up getting stuck there for 3 days. When she returned home she came to see me at my mothers house. We went for a drive and she told me how she felt our marriage had been lovelss and void of passion for years. She told me our sex was like a "hookup" and had no passion in it. I immediately wondered if she was having passionate sex with someone else and how she would even know what a hook up felt like.

A week later I contacted a friend that works for the same airline and had her look up my W ticket. She confirmed what I already knew. My W had taken someone with her on that trip the week before. I went home with all my belongings and told my W that I knew about her trip and that I was not going to go along with the seperation as long as she wasn't giving it any effort. She told me she booked someone with her but it was a favor for a friend and that she didn't spend any time with them. She told me that she had been in contact with her HS BF and that he had actually met her there and they spent most of their time together. I don't know which one was worse!

After a small discussion I left the house to return to my mothers again. Another two weeks went by and my children were telling me that my W was never home and leaving the house at all hours of the night. I decided I had enough and again I returned home.

When I arrived home she immediately got angry and started yelling at me. Telling me she hated me and that she never wanted to see me again. I began following her around the bedroom, begging her not to do this. I then said to her that whoever this man was, it wasn't worth throwing our marriage away for. She said to me "There isn't just one man, there has been 8 and they have made me feel amazing".

I could hear the kids listening throught the door so I turned around and said "Did you hear that kids?" Upon me saying this she punched me in the chest. I then reached for my phone and called the police. Long story short the police showed up I asked them not to press charges (I am actually in law enforcement myself) and they asked her to leave with the kids. She went to her parents house. She was only gone about 4 hours when she returned home and told me that she didn't know how she was going to get the kids to school or work, because she works from home. I agreed to once again leave the house (Stupid, stupid, stupid) A week went by and at the end of that week she had me served with a protection order.

The next week was a blur. I talked to friends, I talked to my kids, I talked to anyone I could to make sense of what was going on. My daughter told me that the day my W had found the GPS device, that she had come across an app on my W's phone where she was exchanging flirt texts with another man. They told each other how amazing they thought each other was and he sent her the Lone Star song "Amazing". I don't think I will ever be able to hear that song again without crying.

After that week I hired an attorney to fight the Protection Order and learned she had filled for divorce. That was 4 months ago... We have talked a lot over those 4 months and had mediation. The mediation didn't go well because we argued over the actual value of the home. She has told me that she is unwilling to R at this time and doesn't know when she will want to. She's told me "ILYBINILWY", and the latest was that if I would just leave her alone and give this some time that she may feel differently about me and the situation. But that she thinks I am unwilling to give it the time it will need for everything to heal.

After reading your posts Sandi, I now see that I really do need to leave her alone and let time do it's magic. I bought DB and DR last night and poured over it. Not a lot seems to apply to my sitch except for the LRT. About a month ago I blocked her phone number and refused to talk to her for 3 days. She finally got a hold of me on a number I didn't recognize and she cried and told me how she didn't want it to end this way and how sad she was. It was a side of her I hadn't heard in months. It only lasted that one phone call though as I called her that night and begged and cried and asked her to R with me.

The biggest problem now is that my W didn't make mortgage payments while all this was going on and our home has fallen into forclosure. We've discovered that we can file a Chapter 13 to save it and get caught up on the payments over the next 3-5 years. But guess who will be paying for all that? I'll have to pay for the CH13, the catch up payments and part of the mortgage. All while she enjoys living in our big beautiful home while I am forced to live in a small apartment. Small because I can't afford a nice apartment and paying to save the house that she will be living in. There is over 100K worth of equity in the house but I just don't think it's fair that I am displaced and paying for everything while she continues her plush lifestyle.

Sandi I know you said it sometimes takes a great loss to knock someone out of the fog. I can't think of any greater loss than that of our beautiful home. We have 6 children and it is going to be difficult to find housing for both of us where our children will be comfortable. One of our sons has a medical condition that is very expensive and one of our sons has a learning disability that would make it difficult for him to start over in a new school where the staff would need to learn how to work with him. His current school has done such a wonderful job finding out what works for him.

I know this is really long and I know it might not fit the exact topic but I wanted to make sure you saw this Sandi and I knew you had recently posted in this thread. Please give me any advice that you would think would be helpful. I'm so emotionally and physically exhausted.

-Prowl
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Sandi response:
What are the ages of you and W, and how many years have you been together?

You are seeking help from a great deal of resources in a relative short period of time. Blend it with all the various stressors you face right now, you must be feeling like a man who is about to go under the last time. Considering your health, I hope you will take a deep breath and try to calm yourself as much as possible. I believe when a person is under tremdous pressure and trying to obtain so much "quick" information, it could result in what I call "brain overload". Has nothing to do with IQ, but the circumstances or conditions. The body, mind, and spirit can just tolerate so much at once, until something starts shutting down. You already feel on the verge of emotional collapse, so please protect yourself by going into survival mode. You can't save your children, marriage, home, etc., if you drown first. So, this post will be my suggestions of what to do before you go down for the last time.

I don't say this as a plug for the DBing forum, but you really have to stop reading various forums.....at least for the time being. The more forums....the more opinions.....the more confusion for you. Your state of being cannot handle all of it at this time. In order to survive, go with one forum/author/program.

Think of your overall stitch as if it were a great body of water. Think of the M as being a a boat that's sinking. You cannot swim if your fear of deep water causes you to fight it, right? You won't survive by going down with the boat, right? You can't save the other passenger (WW) if she drowns you in the process. If you start grab at everything that is rushing pass by (all forums and all advice), the weight will be too great and you will drown. And, you won't swim until you first let go of that boat that has the bottom blown away? No matter what nice possessions you have obtained, you can't drag them along while trying to swim. So, which will it be? If you are too exhausted or scared to swim, and the waters are taking you down, grab a life saver that will hold you up till you can get to shallow water.

So, for now.....stop trying to save everything. Stop trying to win back your WW. Let go. Get your own sharp lawyer who will fight for your rights as a father, and will see what can be done about that PO. Get an educated, certified, legal adviser (someone who knows the laws about bankruptcy, realestate, divorce settlements, child support and custody, and the laws in your state. Don't rely upon the poll from public forums or friends (especially one who is giving advice to her, too?) about your finances and what to do with that monster of a house (that will soon be vacated by those teenagers). You want them to live in a comfortable, nice house? Do you really think the first five kids will still be living at home by the time you can catch up with the payments (not to mention paying off the mortage). What about college? What good will a big nice house be to their future, if they can't find a good job? See what I mean? What is most important? To have a big, empty house the kids can visit in a few years, or to downsize into an affordable, less comfy, house? Which should take priority, paying for their education to give them a better shot at having good careers......or this particular nice house for a few short years?

What do you believe is more important to the kids, to have both parents under the same room while getting divorced......or to keep things as it is now? Which is less stressful for them, and for you? Which way can you cope the best? What does the law have to say about which way is best for you? Find out.

Take care of you health, even if you don't care about it, six other people, at lest, care. Do something to help deal with the depression. Some types have to have help, b/c it doesn't go away by itself. You need to GAL, do something fun, and be around people who like you! Your WW is not going to give you emotional support. Don't go down that tunnel.

You are not powerless, you just feel powerless b/c all of it together is too strong. I am not telling you to go file for a D, if that's not what you want. Get your priorities in order to survive the crises. Then you can deal with other issues, including what and how to deal with our WW, her OM, etc., & etc.

Get some sleep. Tomorrow is another day.

((hugs))

Sandi


---------------------------
Thought this might help to bring this together.

And these are two wonderful special posts that deserve to be side by side.

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I thought I had lost my post, but no worries cause friends came to the rescue. Prowl, I think I posted to you in Thriver's thread, and Vanilla has kindly united your first post with the last one I sent yesterday.

Hope your nerves will calmer today. I will try to check back in a while.


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Originally Posted By: thriver

Cadet, we may be in need of some moderation. Can you please move Sandi's post from my thread into Prowl's?

The merge appears to have worked and that post is now in this thread at 9:40 PM 7/2/15.

The merge function in UBB is not the best and although I have used it quite a few times I have also had some issues with it.
I don't like doing it from my phone either as if I make a mistake their is no FIXING it.


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I feel like giving up today. it's too exhausting both emotionally and mentally.

She called me about an hour ago and now she wants to file a Chapter 7 instead of a Chapter 13. the difference being our credit gets cleaned up a lot quicker, She's under the impression that our house wont be taken from us because we have small children. But all of our other property, Cars, furniture, my business items (Photography equipment) will be taken. Of coarse her solution to that is to hide all of our property at friends homes. I'm so frustrated with her mind set of "throw it all away in the name of "ME" being happy." I sat through listening to how happy she is now and that she just wants this to all be over so she can find someone to create her happily ever after with. I just listened and validated... I just don't see any hope in this situation of a R.


BD Oct 2014
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D on hold as money ran out for attorneys and the marital home's future is up in the air

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I don't think you can do Chap 7 when you have a fair or good amount of equity in your home. The trustee will make you sell it to pay off/down your creditors first.

Please don't feel hopeless. There is ALWAYS hope.

I don't know what God's purpose will be for this is in your life as satan attacks your family but I do know you will make it. Your wife might be lost for good, but through faith and a tireless love for your children YOU will be ok.


I wish you could talk her into letting YOU have the marital home. Then "saving it" makes sense as you can then protect your equity position. Catching up so she can stay there makes no sense. She needs rock bottom and you need to protect your kids best interests because she doesn't care about anything but herself these days.


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Morning, Prowl, did you rest last night? I see your WW has played one of the favorite and most used cards......."The Contoll Card". That is where the WW accuses the H of always trying to control her. Her objective is to condition him to give over to whatever she wants now.

Quote:
She claims I am very controlling and have been our whole marriage


I would think it must be very difficult for a H/F at this stage where he has to mentally/emotionally shift gears in order to make these major decisions. He has trained himself to be the protector and provider for his family. His family is his focus and center of his life. He serves as an umbrella that covers his children, wife, as well as himself. When the WW chooses to leave the M, she walks away from the loving protection of the umbrella (the H). IMO, the H's decisions from that point forward are not required to place her wants first on his list. He has been fired as her H, so he does not have to protect and provide for her well being as if she were under the umbrella. His priorities are what is best for his children and himself. Not EVERYBODY, as he once was conditioned to think.

This may sound harsh to some, but the WW is harsh and will not hold back to get everything like she wants. Her solutions to any problem will have selfish motivation. She is not going to put the others first. Her best is what she's seeking throughout all of these decisions.

Quote:
She called me about an hour ago and now she wants to file a Chapter 7 instead of a Chapter 13. the difference being our credit gets cleaned up a lot quicker, She's under the impression that our house wont be taken from us because we have small children. But all of our other property, Cars, furniture, my business items (Photography equipment) will be taken. Of coarse her solution to that is to hide all of our property at friends homes. I'm so frustrated with her mind set of "throw it all away in the name of "ME" being happy." I sat through listening to how happy she is now and that she just wants this to all be over so she can find someone to create her happily ever after with. I just listened and validated... I just don't see any hope in this situation of a R.


Prowl, get professional advice!



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Originally Posted By: sandi2
Morning, Prowl, did you rest last night? I see your WW has played one of the favorite and most used cards......."The Contoll Card". That is where the WW accuses the H of always trying to control her. Her objective is to condition him to give over to whatever she wants now.


Yes Sandi I was actually able to get some rest. A friend of mine contacted me and I stayed with them the last 24 hours. It was nice to get out of my small, lonely apartment and spend some time in a friends loving home.

How plausable is it for a WW to use medical issues to get compassion or sympathy? I swear ever since the S her and her family have had numerous health issues and stints in the hospital. She has been claiming to feel really tired and faint lately and has gone so far as to tell me that she now has a series of medical test that they want to run on her. The thing is whenever my kids have seen the doctor, or had a medical issue, I have been getting the bill for it in my mail. I have not seen one medical bill for all of her medical issues that she has claimed to be having.

Going along with her new medical themes, she has asked me to take the kids on a certian day next week becuase she has testing in the morning. This is a woman that left her kids two weeks ago for 3 days while she lived it up in Vegas with her girlfriends. I find it interesting that she wants me to take the kids overnight so that she doesn't have to worry about them being home by themselves for a few hours while she is 5 miles away. I guess it just goes back to believing nothing that she says and only half of what she does.


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Quote:
How plausable is it for a WW to use medical issues to get compassion or sympathy?


Very! Not that she feels a need for compassion or sympathy (especially from you), but she will use it for manipulation purposes. If you feel sorry for her, you become more pliable. When the waywardness consumes her, everything is about herself. Her thoughts and actions are all centered around what is best for her. Some things a WW does is just too crazy to figure it out.


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Prowl,

I just read about your whole sitch. So sorry.

My WW was diagnosed with diabetes in the middle of all this. She enlisted the whole community to garner sympathy for her and to help her manage it. She did the same thing when she found a lump in her breast (turned out to be nothing). When I tried to explain that she fired me as her spouse and that I cannot be there for her while she is in the midst of an A, she made me feel terrible. Like I am deserting her. She then used it as another excuse to do what she is doing.

You can't win these things. No matter what you do, to the WW you are either the villain or the cake provider. That is why you have to work on yourself and look out for your own best interests.

Yours in strength,

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Originally Posted By: sandi2

Very! Not that she feels a need for compassion or sympathy (especially from you), but she will use it for manipulation purposes. If you feel sorry for her, you become more pliable. When the waywardness consumes her, everything is about herself. Her thoughts and actions are all centered around what is best for her. Some things a WW does is just too crazy to figure it out.


That would make sense. The last time she told me about a medical emergency was the day before mediation. She called to tell me that her father was in the hospital for a heart issue. She said that if we were only going to got to mediation and fight, she didn't want to go at all and deal with the drama while she has to worry about her father...

I mentioned grandpa's heart condition to the kids and they had no idea what I was talking about. WW seemed irritated later when the kids started asking if grandpa was going to be okay.


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Just got off the phones with the wife after she sent me a picture text that basically said "If you are with someone that makes you unhappy more than they make you happy, it doesn't matter how much you love them, you must let them go. Not because you no longer care but because you are finally putting your own needs and happiness first".

I validated her and told her that I agree that both of us haven't been happy for a while. She says she wants me to go and find someone that can make me happy like I deserve. That there is no trust in our relationship now... I probably did the wrong thing in telling her that the trust could be re-built. But I want her to know that I could trust her again.

I carried on with the conversation longer than I should have as she became agitated and told me that I didn't repect her wishes by wanting to have this discussion right now. I ended it then and wished her a good day.

SIGH...


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The W called to talk about me watching the kids this week while she has her medical testing done.

The conversation then turned sour and she wanted me to know what a great time she had with the kids yesterday and how our S11 opened up to her yesterday about past holidays and how he recalled her and I fighting on them. She wanted me to know that S11 had opened up to her because normally he has been the most upset about this sitch and her A.

Then she brought up my EA... She wanted to remind me that both of us were unhappy in the marriage. That I was so unhappy that I went looking for someone else. I tried again to validate her feelings and apologize for my past actions. Part of me wonders if she is saying this because she has basically done the same thing. (Unhappy so she went looking for someone/something else)

Then she always throws in a jab about her entire family getting together for a BBQ today. She knows I really miss these gatherings and she knows it hurts me that I am no longer invited. I don't understand why she does that.


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Why not tell her communication needs to be through email?




Last edited by sandi2; 07/05/15 10:03 PM.

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I don't know why she keeps calling me. This time it was to tell me that she wants to contact a real estate agent tomorrow and and get the house on the market..

She then went back into how much happier she is now that we have been seperated. I asked her if she was ever happy. She responded with "Not as happy as I could have been". I asked her where I failed in our marriage to make her happy. She told me I never supported her. That I didn't make her feel good about herself. I tried to refute that by reminding her that I always called her "beautiful" (That was my nickname for her) She came back with "I know I'm beautful, It was everything else you failed to make me feel good about"

Then it got ugly. I took the bait and I didn't care. I asked her if her new man made her feel good about herself. If he did the things and didn't do and said the things I failed to say.. I told her it didn't matter that she denies having anyone else, that eventually he would emerge. She was taken back a little by this sentence and asked me to repeat what I just said. I said it again and she laughed... She said "Well I guess you'll find out then huh? Sign the papers!"

After a few more minutes of arguing about her possible A I asked her why she would hurt me and throw 8 men in my face when I was begging for her to save our family. Her response "Don't worry I chose the best out of the 8". I then quietly hung up.

Can I be honest... I'm so F*&%ing exhausted. Mentally and emotionally i've had it. That last sentence hurt. Suicide immedicatly came to my mind on how to make this God awful pain stop. I honestly don't want to fight this battle anymore. She doesn't want me, why can't I accept that? She has found someone better and more suited to her. Once again in my life I will be alone. I was a lonely kid that made up imaginary playmates to jump with on the tramp. A kid whos parents would buy him expensive toys so that the other kids in the neighborhood would play with him (For a short time). In High School I had one friend but eventually lost him to a different crowd. I remember walking the halls alone with my head down so no one would notice me. I transfered high schools because I made friends with a co-worker and just wanted one friend to talk to. That friend graduated and I was left alone my senior year.

Now this... My best friend of 19 years leaving me and treating me like the garbage that I feel I am. I'm honestly considering walking out of my job tonight and not returning. Putting this all behind me. Walking away from the life I knew and starting somewhere else. it's either that or take my own life. I can't do this anymore. I can't face being rejected by one more person. I can't do it. I don't want to do it. I'm so tired of being alone.


BD Oct 2014
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Is there anyone in your life you can reach out to tonight Prowl? Anyone that you can stay with, or have stay with you? Friend or family?

If not, it's not a bad idea to call in some professional help and/or talk things through on a hotline.

Start there though, call someone as soon as possible and tell them that you're in a crisis point and need some help. No shame in asking for help.


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Call someone immediately, please.


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Prowl, please call someone and get some help. I understand those thoughts of just wanting this to all end, I do. I was in that same place in January, things will get better you have to trust that. You are not garbage no matter what she may say. Many of us on here understand those feelings, you will never be rejected here.


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Your value is not based upon what she says. Please notify someone at work that you are in crises.

You want this pain to stop, and you see ending your life as a solution. It is not the answer. Your life is worth so much more than the cruelity your W inflicts. This is not the way to make her regret her words or actions.


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Prowl,

I'm really sorry that you are so low. You mention the possibility of taking your life. If you have that thought, call 1-800-SUICIDE immediately. If you think you are going to imminently harm yourself, please call 911 (if you're in the states) immediately. You have kids and they would be devastated. They are innocents in this, and it would scar them for life. This isn't just about your life.

Even if think you aren't serious about that threat, you need (1) to get with someone supportive now. (2) You need to be seen and evaluated by a psychiatrist ASAP. You likely need a bit of medication to get you through this time. It could also help you get a bit less reactive to your W. It is not over, despite what was said. Remember the not believing what they say. That goes especially in an argument. You need to be able to detach from this and come back with a bit more distance and perspective. (3) Find some IC if you haven't soon. You need someone with more training and an appropriate therapeutic relationship that is beyond us here.

It's not over. There is a famous saying that really is true if you stop to think it through: "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem."

I know you are hurting bad. Real bad. We'll be thinking & praying for you.

Last edited by asitis; 07/05/15 10:56 PM.

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Originally Posted By: sandi2
This is not the way to make her regret her words or actions.


It's not about making her regret anything anymore... It's just about getting this pain and loneliness to stop.


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Originally Posted By: Prowl
Originally Posted By: sandi2
This is not the way to make her regret her words or actions.


It's not about making her regret anything anymore... It's just about getting this pain and loneliness to stop.


We have medications and therapy to make it stop. There are medicines that can give you a temporary all stop, and there are those that can help make the pain manageable. These are much better options than the one you are contemplating.


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Please make the phone call Prowl. We've all been where you are. All of us.

We've all had to reach out for help.


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Quote:
It's not about making her regret anything anymore... It's just about getting this pain and loneliness to stop.


This is not what you wish to teach your children. This is not how you would want them to deal with pain.

Do not deprive yourself from seeing your children grow, and being an important part of their lives. There are blessings waiting for you. This hour will pass.


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Prowl,

Studies of people who are saved after attempting suicide make clear that suicidal feelings are TEMPORARY. The problem is that they don't feel temporary in the moment. But they are. The pain WILL NOT be this strong SOON!

Call for help and let us know that you're OK. Please?!


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Prowl, we've all been there. I urge you to reach out to someone. A crisis hotline, a pastor or priest will talk with you (even if you're not a religious person, they can help). Please understand that these feelings will pass. Don't let your W decide what your worth is.

We have your back, buddy. Keep posting.


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Prowl, we've all been there. I urge you to reach out to someone. A crisis hotline, a pastor or priest will talk with you (even if you're not a religious person, they can help). Please understand that these feelings will pass. Don't let your W decide what your worth is.

We have your back, buddy. Keep posting.


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How are you Prowl? Have you reached out to anyone?


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I don't want to face the day when I have to see her with someone else. I don't want to have to work in the environment I work in any longer because she is taking half of my retirement and now I won't be able to afford to retire! I don't want to watch another man be more of an influence on my children because he gets to spend more time with them... I don't want to go back to my lonely, crap hole apartment. I don't want another holiday to pass where I spend it alone. I've done this alone thing for so long and i've come to the conclusion that i'm just not a person others want to keep around. Maybe it's my lack of social skills. Maybe it's my recluse/introvert personality that protects my heart from being hurt again. Whatever it is people don't keep me around.


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Prowl.... I don't completely understand bc I'm not you with those experiences and your life. But I recognize many similarities to some of your feelings, which I've had or still have.

First, this is tough perhaps one of the most painful things ever, it is okay to ask for help. Friends, family or a professional. Please reach out to someone to talk. I went to a therapist for 11 weeks, some of those double sessions. I had to pack in my pride, but it helped me beyond Words.

Second, you stated a bunch of things you don't want.... What do you want? Do you want to walk your daughter down the isle? Do you want to see your boys through happy marriages with kids of their own? They need you. You are their only father. You alone will only ever be there father. They deserve the best father you can be. Continue to try for them.

Last edited by mahhhty; 07/06/15 12:04 AM. Reason: Typo

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We get that you are hurting really, really badly, and that right now, you are imagining all sorts of bad things in your future, and they seem like certainties. They are not certainties, and how you will feel about those things in those future moments are not certainties.

So, you feel like you will never find love because you are introverted, and you'll be stuck working, and she will be having a great ol time with someone else. Let's talk those through.

First, you are introverted, but there are ways for introverts to meet people, more comfortable venues, and there are ways through counseling to work to mitigate some of your introversion.

Second, you don't know what your future economic situation is going to be. You don't seem to like your job and feel trapped. That is something you can work on and do something about. You also fear not having enough for retirement, but it that was on the assumption that you were supporting both you and your W. You may not be (and you still have a chance to save your M, btw - read the statements of hope at the beginning of DR & DB on 11th hour changes of heart) supporting both, which means you can maintain your standard of living on a lower retirement savings. If you do end up D'ed, who knows who you'll meet, and maybe they are better off than you.

Third, your W may find out that she is not happy and decides to give it a chance. Would you say, no way I'm not going to want you, I couldn't stand seeing you w/ someone else and having to learn the lesson. She may regret her decision for the rest of her life. She may change her mind before she goes down that path. You may find that after working through everything that your W wasn't the person you thought she was and the person she is, is no longer such a object of desire.

Again, if the suicidal thought continue, please call one of those numbers I listed.

Even if they don't you need to be seen by a psychiatrist for help getting through this so that you can see it when the shock of your situation has passed. You also need some IC to deal with why you feel so weak and dependent on this woman, why you think your life isn't worth living without her? You have a lot of issues that have come out in your last posts, but now is not the time to go through them. However, I do know that with some work on some of those issues, you will think and feel differently about your sitch.

Keep talking to someone. Us, the 800 number I posted, or a dependable friend or family member, or call 911 and get some medical relief during your moment of crisis.


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OK Prowl. Checking in. You still there? How are you faring up?

Keep talking to us.


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Hi Prowl -

I was in this place shortly before coming to the board. The reason I didn't go through with it is that I felt my children deserved better than to have to live with that legacy.

You are needed. And you are important. And you can get to the other side of this situation.

My friends on the board helped me through the LRT, and it was very empowering. And using it is good training for the relationship ups and downs that occur even after you get back together. Building your skillset helps you through depression as well.

I hope you have been in touch with someone, preferably in person, that can help you immediately, a healthcare professional, a pastor or crisis center.

Please let us know how you are doing.


http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

sg


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Prowl, I get it too. When my WW dropped the ball, I was diagnosed with stomach cancer. I slept in our basement bedroom, every night, crying and alone. Begging God to do something, to help me, to get HER to care about me. Nothing changed. All night she would be on FB, I could see her on messanger and knew she was talking to other guys. Meanwhile I was throwing up in a bucket, craving food but completely unable to eat.

That was in January. January/February (she moved out on V-Day) were two of the roughest months of my life. Watching my life completely dissolve right before my eyes was horrible. Watching my wife go on, acting like everything was fantastic in hers killed me.

Today is July 5th. I beat cancer. I am doing great in life. I am still waiting to get the divorce done, but you know what? I did things for ME and my children. I have been where you are now and I can tell you that it DOES and it WILL get better. I sat in that little bedroom, time and time again, thinking "I could just put a gun in my mouth and end this all..." But I didn't. I knew I was stronger than that and so are you.

You sound like a great guy, someone who is going through a rough patch. Someone who just needs a little cheering up and believe it or not, we are all here for you. Keep your head up, focus on your children and yourself and GAL man. That is what saved me, is "getting a life". Doing things outside the norm, just pick an activity and go with it, something that you would NEVER do. Good luck and I hope to see you posting again soon.


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Prowl!
Look up the story of Chesley Sully Sullenberger. He was the pilot who save hundreds in the miracle on the Hudson. His father committed suicide. He has spoken about it. It is a terrible legacy to leave to your kids. Instead you have to be opportunity to model resilience and true grit. Your moment to shine may still be years away. Don't miss it by exiting early! Hang in there, you will get through this. I know the pain seems unbearable. We all feel that pain at times. You have a lot of folks here who understand and care. Just take each day as it comes. You are in Damage control more right now. Focus only on taking care of yourself. If you have to get away for a few days, then make up an excuse and get away. Doing this saved my life after BD.
If you can't shed suicidal thoughts then please please call the hotline.

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Hi Prowl. One of the reasons my ex ended our relationship was because I told him I had considered taking a bottle of sleeping pills to end the pain of my depression. It was the last straw for him. I thought by sharing my suicidal thoughts with him, he finally understand how much pain I was in with the depression.

So many of us get the feelings and the thoughts you describe. I probably more than most get the introvert nature and the desire to be connected and not knowing how to make that happen. Like you I struggled as a child, adolescent and young adult with making and keeping friendships. I didn't know how they worked and were maintained. The people who came into my life I became attached to me very strongly and very quickly and when they left my life for whatever reason, I was left devastated, on one occasion resulting in a suicide attempt age 21.

The loss or change in any relationship for me sends me into a tail spin of self doubt, negative self talk and deep feelings of abandonment and rejection. These feelings have brought me here.

Like me Prowl this is your work, this is why you are here! Your pain and your lack of self worth and shame make your doubt you're worth loving, make you feel that your life is not worth living. I have spent 20 years running from myself, looking at suicide as an option. My mantra through life was to give everything a try to make life better, but if it turns to sh*t, I can always kill myself.

In recent years and even months, and from many special people here (Zues and lady V, and U-turn and Zelda and Gan.), who took the time to ask me my story and to tell me that my story and who I am is as valuable as anyone else here on the board. I have learned that I have place in this world, no matter how small or quiet it might be I have a place.


Prowl you have a place, the most important place is that just being you is enough, then being a father. I had a father who abandoned me emotionally and its legacy is far reaching. So far reaching that it plays it self out in every thought of suicide I have had in my life. please do not leave that legacy for your children. You may not have your wife for right now and you may not have the life you want right now, and you may be scared about the future and what it looks like, but you have the love of your children and the support and love of your DB friends. Please let that be enough for this one day. Tomorrow we will find a few more reasons to remain hopeful about a life worth living.

I hope this helps! I am here, I have your back, find me on my thread. I will be coming by regularly for an update on YOU!

Thank you for posting and letting us see your vulnerability, your humanity! You let us be better human beings by doing so. You are a gift!!!

JB xxxx

Last edited by JellyB; 07/06/15 10:58 AM.
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Hey Prowl,

How're you doing today? How about an update.

PP



Edit - And please start a new thread with the good news. - Cadet

Last edited by Cadet; 07/06/15 04:17 PM. Reason: message

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Called into work today... I've been in bed all day. All the things she said yesterday and all the memories that will never happen again going through my head.

I just can't stop crying...


BD Oct 2014
S Dec 2014
D filed Feb 20, 2015
D on hold as money ran out for attorneys and the marital home's future is up in the air

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Can you reach out to anyone today Prowl? A buddy? A family member?


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Theirs nothing wrong with crying Prowl. I have cried more in the last 6 months than I have in my entire life. Honestly, many of us have been exactly where you are right now. I'm even a very introverted person and being alone scares the hell out of me. Its one of my deepest fears but I cant let that fear control my life.

Trust this process and give things time, be patient. My W was so vicious and angry at me in the beginning. Threatening to take my kids away if I said anything about the guy she was pursuing. Telling me she didn't love me anymore. Don't listen to any of it. It is no reflection of who you are at all, just her.

Those memories can happen again, have faith.

This isn't easy, but if you do the work and keep moving forward things will get better. You can use this to become a new man, just as I have. I believe you can do it. That pain will lessen over time. Give yourself time.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
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And I second Fogg, I've cried more in the last six months than I have in the last 39 years combined. I'm highly menopausal.

That's good. It's when you don't cry that you end up not healing. Look at crying as a positive.


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Prowl,

I am going to get real and be straight with you.

You're a cop, right? What did you learn at the Academy and into your job about domestic disturbances that involved suicide threats? You probably saw the emotional and physical devastation left in the wake of a person who went through an actual suicide.

They left behind small children, devastated spouses and parents. All for what? A means to escape pain that are temporary. They were all weak people. Guess what? The sad thing is THAT is all people talk about those poor souls, "he couldn't handle it...blah blah"

Never mind about this person's accomplishments. Hardly ever mentioned. It is always, "you remember Joe? That guy who offed himself...ya, that one..." How sad is that sort of legacy?!

I don't think you're a weak man....am I right in my estimation of your character here?

C'mon, pull yourself up by your bootstraps and yell "F*CK YOU, I will not be defeated here!"

Today is a new day.

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Morning Prowl...I spent the first two months crying in the shower every morning, and then while I was getting dressed and then while was driving to work, no then in the bathroom at work on a really bad day....Prowl its part of managing the shock and grief of the situation, your mind, body and soul managing change...and while it feels bad, it is as PP said healing.

Ps so glad to see you post!

JB xxx

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Cadet

Can we have a new thread for Prowl?

Unsure how that works but this one may close. Please, not sure Prowl is feeling that great and the wonderful folks on the board are offering their support.

Prowl, I would just like to wrap you in warmth and let you cry it all out as much as you need for as long as you want

Tons of hugs

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
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Prowl I emphatize , not a day goes when I'm not sobbing like a baby . Praying for you , hang in there . The pain physically and mentally hurts I know


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Going along with what Wonka said, I want to tell something that helped my to stop thinking that way. I understand the pain your in is the worst you have even been in, but it is temporary. Ending things does not end that pain, for all. It may end it for you in a selfish way, but it doesn't stop it. It just transfers it to your children to face the rest of their lives. I had to look at my children and think how can I do this to them? My W did this to me, but that doesn't give me the right to do it to my children.


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Prowl, as I had mentioned earlier and others keep saying, crying is natural. I am roughly 8 months into the DB thing, I find myself crying once in a while. BUT when this all started, it was a daily occurrence. Things DO get better. You just need to keep saying "I can handle this".

As for social interaction, look into your church (if you don't have one, I suggest finding one that fits your needs), just about every single one has a divorce counseling group. It's not a singles mixer or anything, but a group of people that are going through the same thing.

I used to be very religious when I was a teenager. Sadly, I lost my way and only over the last 7 or 8 months started going again. It took me a few tries to find the right church, but I LOVE the one I go to now. Please consider that.


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Prowl,

I've been there, as have many of us, on being unable to face the day and being unable to stop crying.

Seriously, there are anti-anxiety meds that work really, really fast that can get you back to functional and give you a bit of breathing room. They aren't long-term solutions, and as they can produce a bit of dependency after a while, but anti-depressants can kick in by then (and those are not dependency producing).

Even if it not going to a psychiatrist, call your regular doctor or go into a clinic and tell them you are having trouble getting through the day given your news. Ask them to get you a 30 day supply of anti-anxiety meds (they'll likely go with Atavan). It has few side effects, acts very fast, and for most people really does the trick to getting to a manageable level of yuck.

Anti-depressants and other psychiatric meds are best through a psychiatrist, as they are a bit trickier (figuring out which ones work for you, dosage, etc.). But, you'll probably want to explore that route for the duration.

In the mean time, lock up any guns and give a trusted friend or family member the key. Get an appointment with a therapist to start working on your emotions. Your work may have some kind of private short-term help for people struggling with emotional issues or drugs/alcohol. This is becoming more standard, and they truly are private if you are worried about employer finding out. They are usually free for a limited number of visits (ours is 6 free).

Keep that suicide hotline number handy if your thoughts start turning in that direction.

Don't rely on toughing this one out. Even the toughest of us need some help at times like these.

Hang in there. We're all pulling for you.


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