It seems like she tried to bait you with the whole "It would be good for the boys to see you hang out with another woman." Good job holding your tongue, that would have been tough for me to identify while it was happening. It really seems she just wanted to know if you have moved on. Hang in there.
Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs EA: Started 3/2015 MC Started: 4/2015 She moved out and served 6/2015 PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015 2 young kids
"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
"Thanks Matt and I agree it probably did new to be mentioned at the beginning. It is something she uses to validate her behavior and reason for wanting out of our marriage."
And she'd be right.
You spend alot of time scorekeeping in terms of how what she's doing is so much worse than what you did. Cheating is cheating. It is admirable that you "came clean", but in the end, you were the one that wanted out and cheated first. Cheating does alot of damage and, as you know, is an extreme breach of trust.
Even though you two went to C, there was probably a part of her that never let it go. Just because you are okay with it, doesn't mean that she has to be. People react differently. You say that you didn't do anything "destructive" to her in the same way that she's doing to you. I say you're wrong. The emotional destruction is usually much worse than the physical or financial.
Again, I'm not justifying what she's doing, but the fact that you left out that part of your story and made yourself out to be the "good guy" here shows that you have alot to learn about relationships and about your role in all this.
I agree he should have mentioned this but only because it helps us understand her some of her inappropriate justifications and rationalizations; not because "she'd be right".
I'm over a decade recovered. My wife has repented for her behavior and I have forgiven her. Her sin is as far from the east as the west. If I hold onto resentments that is my current sin and not my wife's fault. I am not justified to cheat on my wife today because of what she did "first". Her affair would play no role in my choices. My character, my vows and my choices are not controlled by nor dependent upon my wife.
SURRRRRRELY if I were to become wayward I would use the excuse. SUURRRRRRELY, I would try to rationalize and justify my wayward behavior telling anyone that would listen about how my wife cheated on me first while forgetting to mention it was over a decade ago and SURRRRELY I would attempt to manipulate my wife to keep quiet about any such wayward behavior or I'd tell everyone about what she did a decade ago; but, none of that would be something my wife would need to spend a minute upon "analyzing" and trying to figure out "her role in this". Instead, the current non-wayward me would want her fighting her butt off doing anything she could to try to stop me and save me from destroying my integrity and my family.
Wayward spouses do what wayward spouses do. They will use whatever rationalizations and justifications are handy. They are not real excuses. They are the sideshow. They are the peeling paint in the men's room on the Titanic. Not completely irrelevant but certainly a purposed distraction from the main show. Certainly learning how to improve his marital relationshis is an important skill for prowl to study and understand. They've got 6 kids counting on them. But a long discussing about his very modest seeming emotional affair IS mostly irrelevant, especially in the context of him having to "accept his role in this" as though it's his fault.
I just don't understand why the focus is on Prowl and what he did 5 years ago when his life is falling apart around him today. Begging, pursuing and pleading with a wayward isn't advised and neither is running around apologizing for past misdeeds and missteps that occur in EVERY marriage. Waywards just eat up those discussions and simply use it to further fuel their affairs.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
After your A was discovered, what did the C recommend? Did the two of you actually follow through with therapy or did you just kind of let it go?
We went to C for a year. We worked on having more open communication and being transparent. No locks on phones or computers. To be honest a lot of the therapy was more to help our relationship and wasn't centered so much on helping her work through my betrayal. And to be honest after the second year I became frustrated with her inability to "forgive and forget". I see that was very selfish and uncaring of me now. I've spent the last two days reading both DB and DR and there is so much more I could have done.
To be honest I've learned just how many things I was doing wrong. I wish we could R so that I could show her just how much I've learned and how things could be better and different. I hope I don't have to take those lessons to a different relationship.
Last edited by Prowl; 07/02/1505:03 AM.
BD Oct 2014 S Dec 2014 D filed Feb 20, 2015 D on hold as money ran out for attorneys and the marital home's future is up in the air
After your A was discovered, what did the C recommend? Did the two of you actually follow through with therapy or did you just kind of let it go?
We went to C for a year. We worked on having more open communication and being transparent. No locks on phones or computers. To be honest a lot of the therapy was more to help our relationship and wasn't centered so much on helping her work through my betrayal. And to be honest after the second year I became frustrated with her inability to "forgive and forget". I see that was very selfish and uncaring of me now. I've spent the last two days reading both DB and DR and there is so much more I could have done.
To be honest I've learned just how many things I was doing wrong. I wish we could R so that I could show her just how much I've learned and how things could be better and different. I hope I don't have to take those lessons to a different relationship.
You can't start over again, and you got a lot of selfish between you and the A, so it will take a long time. I'm not surprised W is baiting you, as she has built up quite a bit of rage. You did well not to take the bait.
Just keep practicing the I'm not a selfish bastard, I recognized that you suffered STFU smoothies, listening, and validating. Buy some stock in STFU smoothies, because you are likely going to be contributing to some profitable quarters.
You can't really replay the healing from infidelity process that MWD outlines in that chapter of DR, but I suspect that there are a lot of tips about the way to approach your very hurt W that you can glean from it. She is going to go through a lot of starts and stops, testing and venting, approaching and distancing. You have a different kind of rollercoaster to ride than some of us, but you seem to have your head and heart in the right place.
Good luck, & good job on getting through the selfish, aren't you going to let it go phase.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
"Thanks Matt and I agree it probably did new to be mentioned at the beginning. It is something she uses to validate her behavior and reason for wanting out of our marriage."
And she'd be right.
You spend alot of time scorekeeping in terms of how what she's doing is so much worse than what you did. Cheating is cheating. It is admirable that you "came clean", but in the end, you were the one that wanted out and cheated first. Cheating does alot of damage and, as you know, is an extreme breach of trust.
Even though you two went to C, there was probably a part of her that never let it go. Just because you are okay with it, doesn't mean that she has to be. People react differently. You say that you didn't do anything "destructive" to her in the same way that she's doing to you. I say you're wrong. The emotional destruction is usually much worse than the physical or financial.
Again, I'm not justifying what she's doing, but the fact that you left out that part of your story and made yourself out to be the "good guy" here shows that you have alot to learn about relationships and about your role in all this.
I agree he should have mentioned this but only because it helps us understand her some of her inappropriate justifications and rationalizations; not because "she'd be right".
I'm over a decade recovered. My wife has repented for her behavior and I have forgiven her. Her sin is as far from the east as the west. If I hold onto resentments that is my current sin and not my wife's fault. I am not justified to cheat on my wife today because of what she did "first". Her affair would play no role in my choices. My character, my vows and my choices are not controlled by nor dependent upon my wife.
SURRRRRRELY if I were to become wayward I would use the excuse. SUURRRRRRELY, I would try to rationalize and justify my wayward behavior telling anyone that would listen about how my wife cheated on me first while forgetting to mention it was over a decade ago and SURRRRELY I would attempt to manipulate my wife to keep quiet about any such wayward behavior or I'd tell everyone about what she did a decade ago; but, none of that would be something my wife would need to spend a minute upon "analyzing" and trying to figure out "her role in this". Instead, the current non-wayward me would want her fighting her butt off doing anything she could to try to stop me and save me from destroying my integrity and my family.
Wayward spouses do what wayward spouses do. They will use whatever rationalizations and justifications are handy. They are not real excuses. They are the sideshow. They are the peeling paint in the men's room on the Titanic. Not completely irrelevant but certainly a purposed distraction from the main show. Certainly learning how to improve his marital relationshis is an important skill for prowl to study and understand. They've got 6 kids counting on them. But a long discussing about his very modest seeming emotional affair IS mostly irrelevant, especially in the context of him having to "accept his role in this" as though it's his fault.
I just don't understand why the focus is on Prowl and what he did 5 years ago when his life is falling apart around him today. Begging, pursuing and pleading with a wayward isn't advised and neither is running around apologizing for past misdeeds and missteps that occur in EVERY marriage. Waywards just eat up those discussions and simply use it to further fuel their affairs.
I think it should be noted that Prowl proactively came clean about his own EA here. This was NOT one of those "Prowl, it seems like there's something missing here" or "Are you sure there isn't something you're not telling us?" things that we see often on this forum.
So he proactively confessed to it here to us, just as he did about the EA itself to his wife after it happened.
I think he deserves our support in that, not our condemnation.
Because PROWL is the one here and the only person that we are advising. Not his WW. She too has issues their is no disputing that.
My only point is lets try to keep the discussion on him and not make this meta about other posters.
Very true..
And brining this back to Prowl, his wife is not in any way, shape or manner currently in any pain over what Prowl did or did not do 4 or 5 years ago. His prior EA is only relevant to his wayward wife to the extent she can use it to bad mouth, manipulate and/or guilt/shame Prowl to do what she says and not interfere in her corrupt behavior.
Prowl....your prior EA explains, in part, your marriage's vulnerability and susceptibility to infidelity but it doesn't excuse or justify her choices. Your wife is lost right now and needs your help (help being an active verb) versus you sitting around navel gazing bemoaning any and all your prior infractions in the marriage that she is more than happy to help you fixate on. Personally, I think paying for the house and enabling her to maintain this wayward lifestyle is probably foolhardy. I can't imagine losing the equity in you home but the way your wife is going you are probably only losing half of it (since the other half would be going to her and this lifestyle) anyway. I presume you've already stop paying for extra luxury items like cable and internet?
Don't sweat the credit problem. It's destroyed already so there is little you can do today to change it. It's gone for now but once this is over it can be rehabilitated pretty quickly . You've got bigger problems.
Can you beat the protection order and move back home? I'm guessing you had to settle and agree to leave her alone because you are in law enforcement and can't have a PO on your record. In the words of Johnny Rotten, "bollocks".
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
Just a little kindness here, I think there is a lot of hurt all around.
I have a female friend whose husband cheated on her three days before the wedding 35 years ago. She is still upset about it sometimes. Five years within the time frame isn't long at all.
I believe the reason my friend is still unhappy is because she feels that her H didn't fully apologise and atone for the behaviour. His attitude is "I married you, didn't I". As far as everyone knows it never happened again but this lady hasn't forgiven although she let go of the resentment. It isn't whether Prowl considers he atoned but whether WW believes he did and accepts that matter is closed.
It is as it is.
Everyone is hurting, WW may also be using this as an excuse for her waywardness but it can damage for a long time.
I do still believe that WW is being wayward today and nothing excuses that behaviour by WW. Even though WW may be upset and in pain, none of us can mind read, that A behaviour by Prowl could be a part of the issue for WW.
Prowl, if you take the higher ground on this and realise that WW may have some validity but that does not excuse her behaviour at all then you will not go far wrong.
You may wish to consider reading Mozza's thread too as that may be informative. That does not mean that I think you should be any less strong about WW and her behaviour, nor should she pull less than her Fin weight in this sitch.
I would like to offer you all the strength and support I can projected across the miles and peace in your heart.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 07/02/1504:58 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
