While I generally believe that the OM's wife shouldn't be the only one of the four of you that doesn't know the truth about what's going on, you're not NEAR ready enough to handle the fierce blowback from exposure.
You need to build up your self-esteem and learn to set simple boundaries before you move on to any big stuff.
I'm really confused. I think it would be good to expose the affair to the OMs wife as a way of ending it. I am on a few forums and on another they say to expose it as soon as possible. That once it's exposed she will hopefully be able to come out of the "fog".
I don't have a lot of evidence but I want to ask the OMs wife if he went out of town the same time my W did and to ask her if she knows about all the time he's been spending at my house...
BD Oct 2014 S Dec 2014 D filed Feb 20, 2015 D on hold as money ran out for attorneys and the marital home's future is up in the air
1) how sure are you of this affair? 50%? 90%? 99%? Are you prepared to be the cause of ruining their marriage if the 1/10/50% case is the truth?
2) as Starsky said, are you strong enough to do with the blowback from this? If you do expose this, things will get a LOT worse. I'm sure there are multiple threads out there with some examples. Mahone flushing a junkie's stash down the toilet. YOU are now solely responsible for crushing this and you will be blamed. Are you strong enough to deal with it now?
3) what do you hope to gain from this? How does this help you reach your goals.
Not saying you should or shouldn't take this step. But it's a HUGE step and there's no going back once you open that door.
I am on a few forums and on another they say to expose it as soon as possible.
So why are you here?
Mixing and matching different forums advice may be a recipe for disaster.
DB and MWD does not endorse exposure.
I do not think it is appropriate for us to get into a discussion about different forums at this time.
That has never turned out well here.
We wish you luck with saving your marriage. I think this is the best advice
Originally Posted By: Cristy
Hello Prowl,
First, I am so sorry about the situation you are in.
I must disagree regarding contacting the OM's wife. In fact, most of your friends here in the online community would advise against contacting her. MWD doesn't recommend contacting the affair partner's spouse at all! There are lots of reasons not to do it!
It would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me to discuss our program at 303-444-7004.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
I've been trying to find something, ANYTHING, to save my marriage. I didn't do anything the other forums recommended because 1. I didn't have anything to go off of before
2. Nothing before felt right until I came across another forum. I have a friend in another state who did expose his Ws affair and it ended up working in his favor.
I'm really not here to say what is better or not. I have purchased both DB and DR and am already half way through DR. I've been reading all day and I am on the last resort pages as I type this.
I have pulled back completely and have done a total 180 from where I was even a week ago. Between the advice here an my own W telling me to back off I finall went out and GAL. I worked out this week and I haven't contacted her at all. She's called me the last three days and we've actually had normal conversations. She still alludes to the divorce procedding and talking to me as a "co-parent". But she has taken notice. We haven't had a conversation in 4 months were I wasn't asking her to R or to tell me how she's feeling. I've been the one to say "goodbye" at the end of conversations.
I just need some assurances from the people here that these little acts are something. I read to appreciate the little things and her noticing our conversations are normal is a small victory. I just get nervous when she keeps talking about a future without "us" and talks to me like a "co-parent".
Last edited by Cadet; 06/30/1511:47 PM. Reason: other forums names are not allowed
BD Oct 2014 S Dec 2014 D filed Feb 20, 2015 D on hold as money ran out for attorneys and the marital home's future is up in the air
My biggest issue right now is my house. In the next month or so I will have to make a decision to let my house go into forclosure which will force my family out and will definately push the divorce forward as there will be nothing left to fight over. Or file a CH 13, that I will have to pay for, that will keep my family in our home but I will be paying for us to get caught up but will delay the divorce as we will be trying to save the house.
I have a difficult time paying for my wife to remain comfortable in our home an carry on with her A from inside the walls that I built. And all the while paying for it.
So as everyone can see time plays a major role in this. I almost want to tell her that if she is unwilling to R then I refuse to file the CH 13. Problem is I don't think she has any problems about letting everything go so she can be happy.
BD Oct 2014 S Dec 2014 D filed Feb 20, 2015 D on hold as money ran out for attorneys and the marital home's future is up in the air
My biggest issue right now is my house. In the next month or so I will have to make a decision to let my house go into forclosure which will force my family out and will definately push the divorce forward as there will be nothing left to fight over. Or file a CH 13, that I will have to pay for, that will keep my family in our home but I will be paying for us to get caught up but will delay the divorce as we will be trying to save the house.
I have a difficult time paying for my wife to remain comfortable in our home an carry on with her A from inside the walls that I built. And all the while paying for it.
I'm not an expert here Prowl, but maybe you want to think about it this way.
If you stay in your hour you're not paying for your wife to remain comfortable in your home and carry on with her A. You're paying to keep your family in your home and delay your D.
You can pay for your house with either mindset, or as you said, not pay and force your family out and lead to a D.
Do you want a D? Or do you want to keep your family in your home and delay the D?
It doesn't sound like your house has anything to do with it.
Last edited by PigPen; 07/01/1512:06 AM.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
I agree with Pigpen.....stay in the house and MBR.....if she wants to leave....you can't stop her. I chose to stay in my house and fight the battle from the MBR. Wife has moved into kids room. Working on GAL and focusing on kids. Doing my best to make 180s. What can I say but this really S@#$#. W is totally checked out but cannot support herself as she was a SAHM.... so she is stuck....I refuse to file for D. I will not do that to my kids......will she file for D....maybe after OM's D is final.
As far as contacting OM's wife.....well....I didn't have to contact her as she contacted me and was instrumental in uncovering the truth which is still lied about to this day. The OM has left his wife and there D will be final in another month. He is still apparently pursuing my W. Is my W still seeing this guy?......I have no idea but her current behavior says she is.....or she truly hates me for some reason.
Last edited by Hurt06; 07/01/1502:03 AM.
M44 H37 D13 S8 S6 Married 14 W is stay at home mom ILYBNIWY:9-28-14 A started 04/2014 OM confirm 11/24/2014 Admit PA 01/05/2015 09/11/2015 W file for D and wants the moon
Unfortunately I am not living in the house and haven't been since January. She convinced me a seperation was the only way to save the marriage and then filed for a protective order once I started finding clues to her A. I didn't figure out the "who" until just recently but it's a huge coincidence that his marriage is now at risk at the same time as mine...
I spent all day reading DR and I agree that maybe calling the OM wife isn't the best idea. MWD says to ride it out and that A usually last around 6 months. To be completely honest I was involved in an EA 5 years ago and came clean with my W about it and wanted to fix what was wrong in our marriage. I remember the rush and being in the fog. I even remember thinking I wanted to end my marriage at that time. It lasted about 4 months until we both came to our senses and ended things. My W is on dating sites, apps, etc... So I don't think she is just interested in one OM. I think it's a possible MLC and she's enjoying all the attention she is getting from losing weight and her new found attention she gets from other men.
She's in the stage of only remembering the bad times. How horrible our marriage was and how unhappy she felt. All of that explained in DR. I've been crying and badgering for months. I really need to continue my 180 I just started 3 days ago and see what happens. I haven't called her at all. She called me at 3 AM last night to discuss a situation with our son. And then twice today.
I got to the end of DR and read some of the success stories. They made me bawl like a baby. I can't tell everyone how badly I want my sitch to have a happy ending. I've worked to hard and sacrificed to much to just let my marriage end like this. I did take it for granted but I realize now just how much I stand to lose.
BD Oct 2014 S Dec 2014 D filed Feb 20, 2015 D on hold as money ran out for attorneys and the marital home's future is up in the air
