I have spent the last 2 days reading your posts and I am amazed at your insight and information. My life came crashing down back in October when my W and I began fighting over finances and her constantly going out to the clubs with her GFs. Our marriage has been rocky the past few years but I wasn't expecting her to drop the bomb.
At first I dismissed it as her being mad about our fights and frustrated with our financial situation. It wasn't until a few days later when she started sleeping on the couch, locking her phone, blocking me on Facebook and I noticed she had changed her grooming habits, that I started to get really worried.
After about a month of tension she insisted that we seperate as the only means to save our marriage. She wanted me to move out and give her space. I began suspecting her of being a WW due to her strange and erratic behavior and so moving out was something that I did not want to do.
After another month, and more signs, I decided to start figuring out what was really going on. She was leaving the home at all hours of the day and night. I decided to purchase a GPS tracking device and I placed it on her vehicle. It was only on there for 24 hours before she found it, and she was irrate at me for doing it. She told me "Our state is a no fault state. I can go to the clubs and spread my legs for all the men there and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it."
A few days later my kids told me that my W had a texting app and told me what her alias on it was. I made up a fake account and started texting her. Within a half an hour I had my W telling me her favorite sexual positions, that she is a moaner and what a piece of crap her husband (me) was... I couldn't believe she was talking like this! I called her out on it the next day and she said she was bored.
A week after this incident she told me she wanted me to go with her to see a Marriage specialist. This actually turned out to be a Divorce Mediator. He suggested that our marriage was over do to her being indifferent and that we could begin divorce proceddings and be divorced in 6 weeks. He wanted us to tell the children of our plans and then split living time in the home. I work a week off, week on schedule and he suggested that on my days off I live in the home and then she live there on my days at work. When we got home she cried and played on my sympathies and convinced me that we could work on our marriage if I would be willing to be the one to move out for a seperation.
At this time I moved in with my mother. I was coming home on the weekends and spending time with the kids. I noticed that we had condoms in the dresser and I was sure we didn't have anymore as we had not been intimate in months. But I counted them and took a picture so I wouldn't forget. She had been "gaslighting" me for months and I felt as if I couldn't trust my own memory anymore.
A week passed and I returned home again for the weekend. Again she was cold, distant, always texting, always leaving... One morning she actually got up to see me off to work. Something she hadn't done in months. Then a few hours later she called me at work to "say hello and see if I had recieved her text message". It felt forced and I knew she was checking to see if I was at work. That night we had to meet at the hospital as our son required stitches. We left the hospital and she raced home. We did get home at about the same time and she immediately went into the master bedroom (where I had been sleeping) and came out with a handful of trash from the bathroom. She took this trash and threw it in the kitchen trash. Remembering the condoms I went into the bedroom and counted the condoms. There was one missing. I then went to the kitchen trash and was able to dig out a condom wrapper. She dragged me into the bedroom and we began arguing. She claimed she was cleaning and didn't want to freak me out that she had swept up a condom wrapper from under the bed. We went for a drive to talk and she was very mean, cold and distant. When we returned home my W took the garbage out to the trash can. Something she never did...
After about 20 minutes I quietly went outside and retrieved the trash bag she had thrown out. I brought it into the master bathroom and began digging through it. I found a used condom. At that exact moment she sent me a text that said "I didn't cheat, I'm sorry.." I began crying hysterically. She must have heard my crying because she came into my bedroom. I held up the condom and asked "Why". She said we needed to go for another drive.
While we sat in an empty parking lot she explained to me that she hadn't cheated but that her friend and her OM stopped by the house to talk to her and asked if they could throw away their condom. This story later morphed into her friend using our home to commit adultery. To this day I still don't buy it.
That next morning she admitted to me that she had lied to me about the men she had been with before we got married. She told me about a lot of things she had lied about during the coarse of our marriage. I don't know why she decided to tell me all of this now, but it was very hurtful. The next morning I asked her point blank if she was having an affair. She told me she had been having multiple affairs. I began to ask lots and lots of questions.. When, where, how... After abobut 3 minutes of asking questions she said "Come on, do you really think I am capable of that! I haven't had any affairs" When asked why she would do that to me she said "I was so tired of you always asking me that I decided just to tell you what you wanted to hear". I think it was her way of admitting to them.
Again we discussed a seperation and she told me it would be the only way to save the marriage. She insisted that it needed to be a long seperation in order for us to work through our feelings. So again I left and went to live with my mother.
I was at my mothers house for about 3 weeks when my W asked if I would watch the kids so that she could take a trip to another state for her birthday. She works for an airline and we had taken the kids on day trips before but I knew somethng was up. She went on her trip while I watched the kids and ended up getting stuck there for 3 days. When she returned home she came to see me at my mothers house. We went for a drive and she told me how she felt our marriage had been lovelss and void of passion for years. She told me our sex was like a "hookup" and had no passion in it. I immediately wondered if she was having passionate sex with someone else and how she would even know what a hook up felt like.
A week later I contacted a friend that works for the same airline and had her look up my W ticket. She confirmed what I already knew. My W had taken someone with her on that trip the week before. I went home with all my belongings and told my W that I knew about her trip and that I was not going to go along with the seperation as long as she wasn't giving it any effort. She told me she booked someone with her but it was a favor for a friend and that she didn't spend any time with them. She told me that she had been in contact with her HS BF and that he had actually met her there and they spent most of their time together. I don't know which one was worse!
After a small discussion I left the house to return to my mothers again. Another two weeks went by and my children were telling me that my W was never home and leaving the house at all hours of the night. I decided I had enough and again I returned home.
When I arrived home she immediately got angry and started yelling at me. Telling me she hated me and that she never wanted to see me again. I began following her around the bedroom, begging her not to do this. I then said to her that whoever this man was, it wasn't worth throwing our marriage away for. She said to me "There isn't just one man, there has been 8 and they have made me feel amazing".
I could hear the kids listening throught the door so I turned around and said "Did you hear that kids?" Upon me saying this she punched me in the chest. I then reached for my phone and called the police. Long story short the police showed up I asked them not to press charges (I am actually in law enforcement myself) and they asked her to leave with the kids. She went to her parents house. She was only gone about 4 hours when she returned home and told me that she didn't know how she was going to get the kids to school or work, because she works from home. I agreed to once again leave the house (Stupid, stupid, stupid) A week went by and at the end of that week she had me served with a protection order.
The next week was a blur. I talked to friends, I talked to my kids, I talked to anyone I could to make sense of what was going on. My daughter told me that the day my W had found the GPS device, that she had come across an app on my W's phone where she was exchanging flirt texts with another man. They told each other how amazing they thought each other was and he sent her the Lone Star song "Amazing". I don't think I will ever be able to hear that song again without crying.
After that week I hired an attorney to fight the Protection Order and learned she had filled for divorce. That was 4 months ago... We have talked a lot over those 4 months and had mediation. The mediation didn't go well because we argued over the actual value of the home. She has told me that she is unwilling to R at this time and doesn't know when she will want to. She's told me "ILYBINILWY", and the latest was that if I would just leave her alone and give this some time that she may feel differently about me and the situation. But that she thinks I am unwilling to give it the time it will need for everything to heal.
After reading your posts Sandi, I now see that I really do need to leave her alone and let time do it's magic. I bought DB and DR last night and poured over it. Not a lot seems to apply to my sitch except for the LRT. About a month ago I blocked her phone number and refused to talk to her for 3 days. She finally got a hold of me on a number I didn't recognize and she cried and told me how she didn't want it to end this way and how sad she was. It was a side of her I hadn't heard in months. It only lasted that one phone call though as I called her that night and begged and cried and asked her to R with me.
The biggest problem now is that my W didn't make mortgage payments while all this was going on and our home has fallen into forclosure. We've discovered that we can file a Chapter 13 to save it and get caught up on the payments over the next 3-5 years. But guess who will be paying for all that? I'll have to pay for the CH13, the catch up payments and part of the mortgage. All while she enjoys living in our big beautiful home while I am forced to live in a small apartment. Small because I can't afford a nice apartment and paying to save the house that she will be living in. There is over 100K worth of equity in the house but I just don't think it's fair that I am displaced and paying for everything while she continues her plush lifestyle.
Sandi I know you said it sometimes takes a great loss to knock someone out of the fog. I can't think of any greater loss than that of our beautiful home. We have 6 children and it is going to be difficult to find housing for both of us where our children will be comfortable. One of our sons has a medical condition that is very expensive and one of our sons has a learning disability that would make it difficult for him to start over in a new school where the staff would need to learn how to work with him. His current school has done such a wonderful job finding out what works for him.
I know this is really long and I know it might not fit the exact topic but I wanted to make sure you saw this Sandi and I knew you had recently posted in this thread. Please give me any advice that you would think would be helpful. I'm so emotionally and physically exhausted.
-Prowl
BD Oct 2014 S Dec 2014 D filed Feb 20, 2015 D on hold as money ran out for attorneys and the marital home's future is up in the air
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
The biggest problem now is that my W didn't make mortgage payments while all this was going on and our home has fallen into forclosure. We've discovered that we can file a Chapter 13 to save it and get caught up on the payments over the next 3-5 years. But guess who will be paying for all that? I'll have to pay for the CH13, the catch up payments and part of the mortgage. All while she enjoys living in our big beautiful home while I am forced to live in a small apartment. Small because I can't afford a nice apartment and paying to save the house that she will be living in. There is over 100K worth of equity in the house but I just don't think it's fair that I am displaced and paying for everything while she continues her plush lifestyle.
Now that we have you on your own thread, what is your lawyer saying to do about that CH13 and the divorce proceedings?
My attorney is a childhood friend so he has been very understanding and helpful. He actually recomended the CH13 as a way to save the 100K+ worth of equity in the home. Of coarse my W loves the idea as it allows her to stay in the house for the next few years while we try and get caught up.
The divorce will then continue after the house is safe.
BD Oct 2014 S Dec 2014 D filed Feb 20, 2015 D on hold as money ran out for attorneys and the marital home's future is up in the air
This has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through.
my W has definately re-written our marriage history. Now all I hear is how unhappy she was. How I was never there for them (I worked 2 jobs for 18 years to keep her home to raise the children)
I'm not a strong person. I suffer from depression and anxiety. I have screwed up for months with begging, pleading and crying for her to R. I am so incredibly thankful for this website and I pray I can get strength from it as I try to DB this freaking situation!
I am on day 3 of going dark and she just sent me a text. I responded very casually because it was about our son and she is fishing for more. Me not responding with anything more than the information pertaining to the facts is definately a 180 from my usual reponses.
BD Oct 2014 S Dec 2014 D filed Feb 20, 2015 D on hold as money ran out for attorneys and the marital home's future is up in the air
Well I did it!!! I just had my first conversation in nearly 8 months where I took control and my power back.
There is a situation going on with my son and my W wanted to talk to me about it. She said she needed to talk to me immediately. I called her, kept the subject on my son and as soon as I gave her my input I told her that I had to get back to work.. She immediately said "Are you mad at me?" I said no I am just really busy. She said "ooookkkay, because it sounds like you're mad, did I do something wrong"? My reponse "Nope, I'm just really busy dealing with some issues here. Ill talk to you later".
It felt amazing and you could almost hear the confusion in her voice. I'm at work, in uniform, and I am trying not to cry. I have such a long uphill road to travel and it feels good to take the first step. I don't know what God has in store for me but I really hope it's my family at the top of that hill.
BD Oct 2014 S Dec 2014 D filed Feb 20, 2015 D on hold as money ran out for attorneys and the marital home's future is up in the air
I'm not a strong person. I suffer from depression and anxiety.
SO how can you 180 these things?
What are some small goals that you can set to start to work towards these 180's?
I definately need to be a more confident, happy person. I really hope I can. It's difficult when I'm alone in a place that isn't my home and my kids only come over twice a week. But I'm definately going to try.
BD Oct 2014 S Dec 2014 D filed Feb 20, 2015 D on hold as money ran out for attorneys and the marital home's future is up in the air
I'm sorry if I keep the updates coming but it gives me strength. The W sent me another text telling me she needed me to call her. I called her and we talk about her dropping the kids off with me this evening so I can take them to a baseball game. I kept straight to the subject.
When I sent her the text asking her if she would let me know if she could bring the kids, I told her I was meeting friends at the ballpark. When we were talking she asked me "Are you meeting a woman tonight"? I said "No, my best friend from HS is in town and him and his family are meeting me there." She said "oh, ok... I just think it would be good for the boys to see you hang out with another woman so they aren't mad at me all the time." My S11 gets really mad when she talks to other men or has them at our house.
I then told her thank you and said I appreciate her bringing the boys over. She then said "It's weird that we're actually having normal conversations" I said "Yup, thanks again" and hung up.
Small baby steps... I keep getting told this is a marathon and not a sprint. I want to be home so badly with my family and it seems like such an impossible task. Please pray for me.
BD Oct 2014 S Dec 2014 D filed Feb 20, 2015 D on hold as money ran out for attorneys and the marital home's future is up in the air
