WAW Filed for D the Next Day Part 10 (Bob)

[Bob723]

Make sure you stop and chew the roses my friend...

Hi PigPen,

Thanks for the kind words and making me LOL!

Bob

[Bob723]

Glad you're ok but how do you do a Heimlich manover on yourself? That's like licking your own elbow.

Hey NDY,

LOL! Thank you for the kind thought, it was scary for a few minutes. I wonder how many people know you cannot lick your own elbow? I knew that. Has anybody else ever tried? If not, try it.

What I did was run to the bathroom, bent over, and forced myself against the bathroom sink. I was with others, or I would've done it against tha back of my chair. If the bathroom sink didn't work, I was going to run out with my hands around my neck. Whew!

Thanks for stopping by.

Bob

[NDY]

Bob. Glad I made you laugh.

Peace my friend.

[Bob723]

Bob. Glad I made you laugh.

Peace my friend.

You sure did, NDY. Peace to you as well.

[Bob723]

Warning, this is a very long post. If you are sleepy and have something to finish before you go to bed I suggest not reading it now. LOL!

Kidding aside, I REALLY need everyone's help big-time.

Turning on the bat light for Wonka, Sandi or any other vets who busted their D. As I always mention, certainly all of my friends are welcome to give their advice! Dear Wonka checks in quite often, but I wonder if this one might be easier for Sandi to break down. I know Sandi has her hands full with her family, but if anyone knows how to contact her could you please do that for me? I don't want to "hijack" anyone else's thread (although I honestly never mind if someone "hijacks" mine--I'm always so happy to help in anyway I can.)

I really need advice on how to respond to a text I got from my WAW 4 hours ago. I had just left my house to go visit my D22 when I got the TM. For this one, I can't think of any draft reply.

In case you are new to my situation, the reference my W makes to getting her a new car has to do with an awful car crash she was in 2 years ago at the end of this month. She was alone and supposedly blacked out and totaled her car, bumped into a few other cars and was taken to the ER. It was the 6th crash she was involved in in less than 4 years--all were determined to be her fault. After the one in July 2013, I got over-protective, but didn't know it at the time. I was so worried about her safety. After W filed for D, she said it made her feel smothered. I understand that now and validated it to her a long time ago.

A very high-level review of my situation:

1. We get married in 2001, 1/2 year later my W is diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis and can't work any more.

2. My W and I get along great through most of our marriage, she refers to me many times as her soul mate (I do the same!) Suddenly, in 2009, she walks out on me but did not file for D. We ended up back together after about a 1 month separation. Her reason: We had been arguing more than usual -- which was almost never before that period.

3. My W walks out on me during a weekend I was out of town visiting my S23 and files for D next day (Oct 2014). This was after almost 13 1/2 years of marriage.

4. Months ago, probably the last time we actually spoke on the phone, I asked her how long she was unhappy and she said about 3 years. If she is remembering correctly that was before the car crash.

5. A few weeks ago, totally out of the blue, she sent me a text that brought me to tears. Exactly one week later she apologized calling it a "vicious" text. During that week I, of course, did not respond to her nonsense where she claimed she wasn't happy for 13 years (well she wrote that I took from her more than I gave, etc.). All of the recent TMs are on the first page of this thread.

6. Wonka and others have been helping me with replies. Wonka's very humorous lines at the end of the last 2 texts were never acknowledged by my W, not that I expected them to be.

7. Tonight when I was with my D22, she mentioned that her stepsister (yes my W's D20) cancelled a get together that both of my daughters, my step daughter and my stepson we're going to have on Wednesday. I didn't know about this until tonight and the reason given was that they were going to see their Mom on Wednesday. Hmmm....

8. If my W is coming here next week to see them, I wonder if she plans on stopping at our house to get a whole bunch of things with the help of her children? Why? Because of the text she sent me tonight yet again changing when she's going to come over.

9. I know this is mind reading, but I feel like she's pushing my buttons. First she asked me to send her things, then she kindly asked me if I could work in the office next week so my MIL and W don't disturb me and now yet another change of plans.

10. I forgot to ask my D22 when my SD20 cancelled our kid's get-together for next week. This seems suspicious to me. I am waiting to hear back from my D22.

11. Before I joined the forum I had 3 DB Coaching sessions with Chuck. One thing I really took away from those was to be as agreeable with my WAW as possible within reason to try to build trust back and an emotional attachment, which I agree with. I believe that's how Wonka was able to reconcile with Ms. Wonka along with some humor at times. I love the idea!

So...I sent W this TM 2 days ago. Wonka helped me. W had asked what days I would be in the office, so she could stop by and get a few of her things:

Me: "(W), thanks for the heads up. I will be in the office Tuesday through Thursday. Just let me know which day works best for you. You might want to watch out for Bigfoot when you swing by--he's a bit shy. Have a good day. Bob"

TM from my W tonight: "Hi Bob, I'm sorry about all the changes-but I have to change mine regarding coming out next week. I had to change an appt. and I could only make it for July 14. I have to come out to the townhouse Wed 7/15 to the house. I need to get some things, then I'm leaving. You should put the townhouse on the market ASAP. It's for the best. I hope you're doing well. You just should have replaced my car when you had the chance, my life is better now, more peace of mind. Be well. (W)"

What do the vets think? Especially about this sentence: "You just should have replaced my car when you had the chance, my life is better now, more peace of mind." I promised W we would look for a car as soon as a court case with my XW (D in 1999) about my children's college expenses was closed. My W filed for D 10/20/14, the case with my XW closed 2 days later!! And I informed my W before she left the case was almost agreed upon.

I am very sad right now, but remembering to trust the process. This could be a test, who knows? Still, I am really down and confused as to why she has "more peace of mind." My best guess is she means we are not arguing about the car situation.

What should I do? Reply? If so, I don't even know where to start.

If you made it thru all this post, or at least tried, God Bless You!

Bob

[Bob723]

My D22 texted me and said she found out 2 days ago that my SD20 cancelled for next Wednesday's outing. What a coincidence! The same day I sent my W the text stating I'd be in the office Tue thru Thur. I think I should be here Wed.

[Vanilla]

It is their meeting Bob, a girls day, let them have their day.

You have yours. Be in the office Tuesday to Thursday. You can always text on the day"shall I drop in? Do you need any help? Or is WW going to remove things from the house which are yours? Do you need a plan for that?

Leave the car issue to fallow.

That's my view

V

[Bob723]

Or is WW going to remove things from the house which are yours? Do you need a plan for that?

Hello V!

Thank you for taking the time to read my post, I really appreciate it.

I am happy if my W gets to see her D20 and S19 next week. But I quoted your line above because that is my concern. W has been here a few times w/o me present and did not take anything. But she made such a big deal about which days I would be in the office next week. Then, my D22 randomly mentions last night the she and my D19 were planning on seeing each other next Web 7/8, but W's D20 cancelled, indicating they were going to see W on that day. I also find it ironic that my D22 got the text from W's D20 the same day I let my W know my schedule.

Sad to say, but I feel like this is some kind of setup. I bet she is not planning on coming here Wed 7/15, but Wed 7/8 since I let her know I wouldn't be here.

I feel I should reply in a polite way (as always!) that mentions something about me having to work from home at least 1 of the 3 days I said I would be in the office (something to do near the house) and add something like, "I guess it doesn't matter now since you'll be stopping by next week." Then wait if W replies with "what do you mean" or something similar. That would tell me she is planning on stopping by next Wed 7/8. Do you see my point?

I don't like playing games, and feel like I haven't in 8 months, but something about this doesn't feel right. I have to protect myself.

As for the car, there's nothing I can do about it now. But I'm still not 100% sure how the car and "peace of mind" fit together. Also, she acts like if I bought her one before all this, she would not have walked out and filed for D. Really?? With the other things she has complained about (smothering, more arguments) I don't believe that. Besides, shortly after she left and we were speaking fairly regularly, I reminded her that the court case with my XW (college expenses) was over and now I have MUCH better idea what we can afford, and I'd love to go car shopping with her. I still remember her reply, "Well, we'll see,"

V, thanks again for reading my long post and for your advice!

xoxo

Bob

[Bob723]

Sandi, are you online? I could really use your's or Wonka's help!

Thanks!

Bob

[Wonka]

Bob,

Your W is in pain (physically and emotionally) so she's lashing at you for perceived 'wrongs' and for holding her back. This is quite complicated with MS on top of it.

Let her work through her issues and she may or may not come to few realizations with space and distance. Time will tell.

A word to the wise about my sitch: Ms. Wonka and I are NOT reconciled. Ms. Wonka is still with the OW. Oh well. I have a new woman in my life. I am very happy and content.

As for W's email, I find it interesting that she is ducking responsibility for getting her own car. I mean, this is blame shifting at it's finest. If she ever gets her own car, then probably will get into another accident and her children will most likely apply pressure on her to cease driving. Let them do this instead of you because, if it came from you, then she's just aim her daggers at you as the target.

I am not sure if you two jointly own the TH together or not. I am going with an assumption that you two are joint-owners of the TH.

Response from W

Hi Bob, I'm sorry about all the changes-but I have to change mine regarding coming out next week. I had to change an appt. and I could only make it for July 14. I have to come out to the townhouse Wed 7/15 to the house. I need to get some things, then I'm leaving. You should put the townhouse on the market ASAP. It's for the best. I hope you're doing well. You just should have replaced my car when you had the chance, my life is better now, more peace of mind. Be well. (W)

Suggested Response

W, thanks for letting me know your plans to swing by on the 15th. If it would help better, I can organize the items by putting aside them for you so it would be easier for you to pick them. As for the townhouse, I would prefer that we take our time before considering putting it on the market. I too wish you the best as well. Take care. Have a good weekend. -Bob

Do you have any items of value that belongs to YOU? Then I would take action to safeguard them so W doesn't "loot" you of your precious treasures.

I am so sorry for this mess...ugh!